To me that sounds pathetic, but I think it's great that you know exactly what your priorities are. Good luck to you.

All The woman I hang out with don't see then need for a good sound system either. I always get "turn it down" crap from them.

This is why I am single. Women always take thr fun out of our toys. LOL

Give the guy a break! He was married for 6 years! That's VERY successful for a marriage these days! (well... at least it is here in California) I don't think I know anyone from the 25-40 year old range that's had a marriage last THAT long!

LOL!! You think 6 years is some kinda record? You must live in LA!!!!

Tricks for DVD marriage survival:

1. Don't order 12 separate orders per month. If you want to get 12 DVDs order all 12 at once if you can.

2. Join Netflix rather than Columbia House if either you must.

3. If you absolutely dont wanna shell out for new drapes at least offer your free labor.

4. If the dog bites her, take that d@mned dog to obedience class. He doesn't think either of you are the boss. There is nothing more obnoxious than a herding dog that thinks its the house ALPHA. Read the book "THE DOG LISTENER."

5. Invest in some "couple friendly" pr0n!

6. Start jogging...too many dvds make you into a flabby sack-o-taters.

7. Buy at least 2 Criterions to offset every Marc Descascos DVD in your collection. (Armageddon:CC does not count!)

8. Get a copy of that Paris Hilton video. Watch it with your lady then send it to me, I really want to see it!

9. Stop spending so much time reading stupid posts on DVDTalk. Spend your non-dvd viewing time writing love poems. Only ready the DVDTalk->DVD Bargains.

10. Da-da-da-daaaa!!! ................ Find the little man in the boat.

Now. Take 4 fingers of cheap Scotch and email me in the morning.

Thanks for all the feedback. I appreciate the comments, both negative and positive. A couple things I should add at this point:

When we adopted the dog from the SPCA, we had no idea what type of dog she was. That is our fault for not looking into the breed before we adopted. I don't like the fact that the dog is aggressive. I was very upset when she nipped my wife. We took the dog to obedience school and also a dog psychologist...seriously. The dog placed 2nd in the class, and the dog psychologist was not very helpful in alleviating the separation anxiety. The dog was on medication for a while, but it did not work. She has hip dysplasia and walks with a permanent limp.

My wife and I have fought for years. During a particularly vocal exchange, the dog urinated on the floor. I feel we have contributed to the dog's problems by creating a negative environment. My wife is not afraid of the dog and loves her also. I can see why some people may see that as "choosing" the dog over my wife, although that is oversimplifying the situation. Knowing that we may have created the dog's problems with our fighting, I did not feel right about returning her to the SPCA, especially if there was danger of her hurting someone else. If we told the SPCA that she nipped, they may have put her down. We really only have a problem with her when we leave the house. If we are careful when we exit, we can avoid a problem.

There are obviously several other deep rooted reasons why this marriage did not succeed. The three reasons I stated in the beginning probably weren't the most important. Money was definitely a major problem for us. I don't necessarily compare myself to other members of the forum, but the way she described things, it seemed I was buying about one per day. Nonetheless, I did value my wife over anything else in my life. We eventually got to the point where we were living separate lives under the same roof.

Just to give you a bit more perspective:

I would include my wife in any activity I planned to do. I would ask her to the movies, to concerts, to go to friend's parties, on road trips, etc. She usually declined for the most part. I would ask her what she would prefer to do. She would reply "I don't know." Then I would take the initiative and buy tickets to an event, or make plans that included her. When the event arrived, she would do anything possible to get out of doing it. If someone isn't willing to tell you what they want to do, and everything you do is wrong, what do you do? Believe me, I am not perfect, but I did try to have a life with her.

The part that makes this so difficult is the history I have with this person. As I said, we met at college in 1988 and remained friends for years. When we got together in 1995, it really felt right because we had such a strong friendship. However, job changes and money issues had a serious impact on the marriage. Her expectations of me changed when the times got rough for us. Instead of support, I felt hung out to dry. I gave up my chosen career to insure a bright future for us.

The other thing I wanted to mention was that I wasn't against preventive maintenance such as central air service, replacing the hot water heater before it burst, new gutters, etc. I was referring to things such as buying a new roof, even though the home inspector told us we still had a few years left on it, painting the house because of the color, cutting down all the trees because the needles are annoying, putting in extra outlets, etc. When we first bought the house, it did not need any immediate work. I felt repairs should be spread out so the funds aren't depleted and keep some for an emergency .

I wasn't really looking for empathy as much as I was wondering if anyone else was experiencing the same thing. Human beings are more important than DVDs, but individuality is also important. I felt I was being forced to be someone I wasn't. I really appreciate all the feedback...

...and being responsible for his share of the maintenance of the home.

He said he did contribute to that, just that he didn't want to pay for unnecessary (in his view) things like new paint and an unneeded new roof (in his view).

I mean, take my ex-wife, her hobby is messing with her and her current husband's house. That's what she likes. Her free money is put into that house in some way, whether it be new paint, or new decor or new furniture or whatever. That's her bit. There's nothing wrong with it, but if her husband were spending money on his hobby, I wouldn't say he had his priorities out of whack because he wasn't spending money on her hobby - the house.

When there are things that need to be done to keep the place from falling into disrepair, that's one thing (and maybe that's the case with the original poster here, I don't know), but it's also possible that he is contributing to the necessary home maintenance and just not putting in for the unnecessary extras.

To me, it sounds like these two aren't right for each other and will be better off going their separate ways and finding people who are more compatible. And yes, there seems to be some selfishness on both parts, based solely on the limited bit we get to see here.

On his part if he is neglecting doing his part. And on her part if she truly is so intent on making sure he's a different person than the man she married (pushing him into a different job - say what you will about his prospects, but that's something that was part of him and it really should be him who initiates the discussion to change careers, wanting him to significantly change his hobbies, whatever).

When I first got married (at entirely too young an age), my then-wife and I were very selfish and we had a lot of these same issues. I was really into music at the time, and I remember her demanding that I sell my guitars (it was 'ridiculous' to have five guitars, she said. Which may be true, but I already had them), stop buying CDs and all that. On her end, she would never have considered not buying new clothes every week, etc. And when we did divorce, one of the things she mentioned as a problem was all the money I spent on my guitars (I didn't spend any money on them throughout our marriage. I even sold three of the five, so technically, they made money during our marriage).

So because we were each so focused on what we wanted for ourselves, it only created resentment. I was mad at her because she was demanding I give up something that was very important to me while she was still spending a fortune on clothes. She was mad at me because she perceived that I was still spending money on music-related things (and I was in college at the time, and she disliked that I was unable to contribute as much money to the joint budget as she was, though my father was paying for my school and helping out with the rent to try and even things up a little). Or she'd get mad that I'd spend an afternoon playing the guitar instead of doing our laundry or things like that (It's been almost 11 years since we divorced, so my memory isn't the greatest on all the problems).

In the end, we were thinking of ourselves first and putting ourselves first, and it caused a lot of problems.

If that makes any sense at all.

I obviously wrote my post before reading the last follow-up from the original poster.

Either way, though, it sounds like two people who wanted different things. And maybe they didn't want different things when they started out, but people change. And a few years down the line, what was once good is not good anymore.

Stolen from another thread related to divorce.

IMO it sounds like they should have gotten their priorities straight before they got married.

I can completely relate to what you are saying...

I heard somewhere, (the news maybe) that 62% of marriages end in divorce. And about 80% of 2nd marriages. Don't feel so bad. Not sure if these numbers are true, that's alot.

And the others end in death.

I know, though, that the first stat isn't true. Even the 50% number that's usually bandied about is not entirely accurate (the 50% comes from the stat that for every two marriages in any given year, there is one divorce).

Interestingly, the divorce rate has actually been going down in the last 20 years, though it's still considerably higher than in the 1950s, for example.

This thread is only adding to more reasons why I NEVER want to get married. Keep up the good work!

Also, age plays a factor. The older you are when you get married, the less likely it ends in divorce. People who are getting married between 18-21 have a much higher divorce rate vs. 35 yrs old and older, for example.

Dogs are man best friend so the dog was getting her back for not likeing the DVD's :ROFL

My girlfriend and I have lived together for a year and a half, been together for three years. She gets annoyed with managing money and has asked me to oversee our account. We are in the same ballpark of income, though admittedly, she makes more. We are both in our early twenties, so neither of us is raking in the dough, but we live very comfortably for our age.

I understand what an enormous amount of trust my girlfriend is placing in my by letting me oversee her money, and I consequently take the responsibility very seriously. I buy a reasonable amount of DVDs - my collection is pretty large, but only the result of buying 3 or 4 a month for 4 years, plus presents. However, I do not go as overboard as I would if it was just me here. I would gladly live in a small apartment with no nice furniture or accessories but with a nice home theatre system. However, the fact of another person living in my house makes me care about those things more than I would otherwise.

It sounds like your problems may stem from your wife's initial lack of trust in you. Perhaps if she had shared funds with you and therefore showed her faith in you, you'd be more inclined to give more. As it is, I understand where you're coming from. If the situation you're describing is accurate, you've been asked to commit to a lot with very little commitment in return.

Any woman who wants to get rid of the family dog because she got nipped once is not in the right. You would put the dog in a shelter? That's likely certain death for the dog. I would never be with someone who is so uncaring as to put a dog in a shelter, no matter what the dog did. It sounds like she was insensitive and not very empathetic. It's not the dog's fault. Dogs act on instinct. That's like giving a child up for adoption because the child misbehaves.

People were more likely to stay in unhappy marriages in the 50's.

"Having been married for 22 1/2 years I can tell you that compromise is ABSOLUTELY the key, at least in our case."

If you have been compromising all that time, you would not still be married. One marries because of shared values, not because of disparate values. There should be no need to give up values at all in a good marriage. Watching a chick flick when one would rather watch a horror film is not compromise. It is accommodation. All successful marriages must have accommodation. All failed marriages have compromise.

"I gave up my chosen career to insure a bright future for us."

That was your biggest mistake. A man's career is the most important thing in his life. Either his woman accepts it or she should move on.

I'm sorry that you are going through this ordeal.

From what you've written, it sounds like your wife is not happy with herself. It sounds as if she can't find what makes her happy in life and is holding you responsible for not providing that happiness. It's not your fault you can't make her happy when she herself can't make herself happy. (Seeing the other person in a relationship being happy while you are not only adds fuel to the fire--especially when the unhappy party unrightfully considers the problem is being caused by the happy party being selfish.)

Also, it sounds like your wife has bought into a lot of crap...such as a man "should" earn more than a woman; a man "should" be good at using tools and repairing things; a man "should" spend his income on the needs of his mate first; the "perfect" husband "should" be able to read the mind of his wife and be able to predict her whims . That's all crap. This is the year 2003 and we have equal rights in this country. We aren't going back to male-dominated relationships. Once she understands and accepts this, she might reconsider and see that she is making a mistake by divorcing you.

Just my opinion, but I think your wife needs to enter into some sort of therapy so that she can discover her "true" self. I meet women all the time who are miserable with their lives because they've been bombarded by the media that says that their mates should act a certain way and give them certain things. The media also tells them how they should react if they don't get what they think they should be getting.

I honestly think your marriage could be easily salvaged if your wife would seek some therapy and get out of her materialistic and unrealistic romantic mindsets. In the very end you only have each other when you're sitting home alone and old and waiting for death to finally come. All the time fighting over what turns out to be trivial matters is just a waste of time. Better to enjoy what we have with each other--including the imperfections.

Finally, keep the dog. Love and affection can work miracles on any domestic animal. And your wife (when she gets into her right mind) will recognize this goodness in you and love you even more.

No way!

The content of ones collection should have absolutely no bearing on anything. I could see there being problems if the collection was comprised of titles that made the other person uncomfortable (like fetish, or gay), but even that shouldn't be an issue (just don't watch them).

OP, I really hate to say this on a public board, but after reading your explanatory post above, I believe at best your wife was no longer interested in you and at worst..., well you get the picture. I do not say this to be mean or flippant, but it's quite clear that she is no longer interested in a relationship with you and is willing to use whatever excuse she has to.

I think you should be gracious here. Let's leave the DVDs aside...it's clear you are not compatible and your interests do not coincide. You would both be happier without each other. Have an amicable split, and move on to greener pastures.

Now, here's some free advice from an attorney (but please note, your jurisdiction may vary and you should consult one of your own) - if you want to make sure you keep your DVDs, you need to start culling receipts and other evidence which address a very pertinent fact you mentioned in your original post - that you and your wife had separate accounts from your joint account and it was with this account you purchased your DVDs. See, in most states, items acquired during the course of marriage are considered martial property, meaning both of yours. You need to establish that these were purchased with a personal account (just like her curtains and whatever else). Don't be fooled into using the logic "she doesn't want my DVDs" because while that may be true, two things are: 1) she wants your money, 2) she wants to hurt you. I'm no divorce lawyer, but I've been around enough to know that to be true 99% of the time. Be gracious with other things to keep your DVDs. It's a slippery slope with these things.

I wish you luck. My final thing to say is that ultimately, it's not DVDs, it's not curtains, it's compatibility and happiness. You and your wife were not compatible and not happy. Things will brighted when you find someone with whom both those things are true.

Thank you for your insightful reply. She is definitely not happy with herself and I have stated exactly that to her on many occasions. I hung in there as long as I did because I thought she was going through a phase. She lost interest in things we had done regularly together in the past and didn't find any new activities to replace them. I felt that she expected me to entertain her.

Your perception of traditional values is right on target. Her life revolves around money and the man does this, the man does that. Ironically, one of the things I loved about her is that she is strong willed and career minded. Even though she had a "working women's" mentality, she still had expectations that the man should be the breadwinner.

Anyway, I really hope she becomes happy with herself. If not, she'll probably encounter the same problems in her next relationship.

My soon to be ex could find an excuse for anything...and she admits that she could use just about anything to argue and or blame me for.

She may be using DVD's as an outlet...but its not the root cause of her problems.


Just my opinion though.

Good luck. I filed for divorce and my ex isn't getting a single DVD out of "my" collection.

WOOHOO!

wfujosh,

Thanks for the advice. We have paperwork stating the items to be divided that was drafted by the mediator. It was made very clear that my possessions were to remain mine, and she would keep her things. We are trying to avoid bringing lawyers into the situation (no offense ). I am planning to have a lawyer look over the paperwork for me, but I am confident this should be a relatively painless procedure. He should not have to be retained to fight a battle for me. She has a lot more to lose if she tries to play games because of the "our money" situation.