whenever you get married your money isn't really yours anymore.........thats usually how it works.

compromise is the key to any marriage.

So is communication.

As is empathy.

I actually went thru something similar. In my case it was my comics collecting. I was spending an excessive amount of money on the hobby. At the time, i didn't see it that way. To me, blowing $60.00 a week on comics and collectibles wasn't out of the ordinary. Well, after a few years of this (we were living together then) she got fed up with my lack of interest in more practical things like better habitation and left me. That actually was what it took to get me to stop collecting. I went cold turkey for several months.

We eventually got back together again and married. I started collecting again (with her complete blessing) shortly afterwards as I realized i actually did miss the hobby. Only this time it was just the stuff I actually enjoyed and not the ENTIRE DC and MARVEL output. Moderation is the key. As is realizing that the bulk of your money needs to go towards the betterment of both your lives.

Now, I can always count on her to buy me a DC Direct statue, a DVD or two or a video game come b-day or Christmastime with a smile on her face. I just make sure that I budget my cash and keep a reasonable allowance for myself to spend however I please. Be it on eat-out food during my lunch hours, DVD's or comics or what have you.

The point is that there is a limit. And the point i think for ALL WOMEN is to know your partner enough and respect him enough to know that what you may condsider foolishness and a waste of money is what brings him joy and happiness and that is the true place where that money went.

While I have never been married, my ex-girlfriend at one point became VERY jealous of my DVDs when we together. She became angry anytime I bought a DVD and couldn't believe I was spending so much money on them (at that time, I only had about 50-60 -- this over a two year period.) She also thought the DVDs took time away from her even though she was welcomed to watch them. Needless to say, she wasn't a big movie fan.

It's about time we changed that.

Sade

Bottom line, you cannot win with them

Sade

The basic sense I get from the original post is that the two of you share a home, but not a life. I know this happens alot. The DVD buying, dog issue, etc. are just symptoms of a larger problem. I saw no mention of kids, which is a good thing.

That is the common misconception...but it is false. There are plenty of studies that show that divorce rate is the same between couples who live together prior to marriage, or who have had an extended courtship. (Some studies show that it might be slightly HIGHER) It is probably rooted in an underlying acknowledgement that there is no lasting commitment (before marriage)...in the back of each partner's mind, they know that they are only together as long as each one feels like it. The longer that exists, the more likely it is to carry over once they get married.

I get the strong sense that the reasons cited are NOT the true reasons behind the break-up.

Sounds like there is some resentment on her part for being the major wage earner. Perhaps she felt that because she made more money, she worked "harder" than he did. Maybe she didn't like her job and resented him for liking his even though he made less and felt that he should "suffer" in a higher paying job to contribute more.

It doesn't appear that he has his priorities exactly in line either. It isn't quite fair to compare the size of other people's DVD collections as a measure of reasonableness. Each person's DVD collection needs to be measured within the context of their lives, income, and life situation. My DVD collection is approximately the same size as his, but virtually half of my collection didn't cost me a dime... I obtained those "Free ones" during the dotcom boom and when the dotcom went bust (I like to think I single handedly took them down with the freebies ) the growth of my collection slowed WAY down.

DVDs, CDs, and "collectibles" are NOT good investments. They don't appreciate in value. Your home IS an investment... preventative maintenance isn't just common sense, it is "investment protection".

It wouldn't surprise me if she took his view of their house vs. his hobby/collections as a sign of immaturity and felt that she had to "step up" and be the adult....

And finally, it does indeed look like they had separate lives but shared the same space.

I hope the original poster does not take offense... I'm just offering some observations based on (obviously) very little information, so take it for what it's worth.
----------------------------------------------------------
Oh, compromise is NOT the key to a happy marriage. I know conventional wisdom says that it is... but it isn't. Compromise implies "giving something up". When you "give something up" there's a little bit of resentment that builds up...and over time it becomes a burden to heavy to carry. Compromise also means that both parties participate. No matter how open and willing each one is, they'll look over to see just how much their partner is compromising...and if one is "compromising" more than the other, there's going to be resentment.

As to what IS the key to a happy marriage... well, that is a topic for the Otter Farm.

A Herding Dog? What size yard do you have for the dog to roam on? Who walks the dog?

Herding dogs are bred (by work) to nip and move things along. Great for working a ranch and not so great where they are not bred to be (in a house). Not the dog's fault, but if the situation is that the dog is intended to spend a good bit of time indoors - well 'nuff said.

Let's face it, we guys spend time on things that can make time disappear in great gobs. Internet, Computers, home electronics, DVDs, watching DVDs etc. Others have talked about the financial end but what about quality time together? We all are guilty .. at least I am.

Don't know about the two of you and don't pretend to know. But if she worth keeping - don't take advice from me. Just listen to "Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding and get some ideas.

Having been married for 22 1/2 years I can tell you that compromise is ABSOLUTELY the key, at least in our case.

Congratulations, I hope that I live long enough to be married to my wife for 22.5 years!

If you look deeper, you will find that it isn't compromise... you might think it is... but it isn't. If you two are HAPPY with each other and not just TOLERATE each other, then it is because you each think of the other MORE than you think of yourselves.... THAT is the key!

I guess DVDs were more important to you than the marriage, eh?

Good choice, I say!

boc4ever:

my wife and I were married in 1997, too.
my DVD collection is no much bigger than yours.
my wife's hobby are crafts, decorating and miniatures.
Here our similarities stop, since in the case we should divorce it would be me citing her hobby as a reason for divorce
as a fact all my life I've desired collecting films, while only when I was 30 I started thinking of marriage ... how can I put it? marriage is like collecting just one DVD, it's not even collecting, it's boring

My Collection

Exactly! This is called compromise. I don't always get what I want, she doesn't either. We discuss and frequently disagree. It is the desire to find a solution and compromise that makes us think of the other.

Okay Im going to have to be the a$$hole here, but come on boc4ever has put everything else before the relationship. Lets see having a hobby is different than an obsession, and probably yes its not as bad as those on this board that still live at home and are 30 with 2000 DVDs, but come on at some point the "family" has got to come first.

Lets see the dog takes a swipe at your wife. The dog is at the animal shelter faster than you can say "get out."

And Im sorry having worked in radio for three (3) years, unless you are a corporate "yes man" there is no future. Hell in market #6 you are more likely to be receiving unemployment than having any type of job security.

Something just had to be said, rather than the supporting that had been going on earlier.

I haven't even heard *her* side of the story and yet i'm suprised she stayed with you for as long as she did.

Of the 3 reasons for getting a divorce, all she needs are #2 and #3.

Have to choose between your dog and your wife? That's not even a choice. If you love your dog more then...

Have to choose between your dvds and your house/wife? Again, not even a choice.

Sounds to me like she has been very patient with you over the years and finally grew the nuts needed to dump you.

Sorry to be so harsh, but if you wanted a group of people to support you in your poor life choices then you should keep to your "friends."

Not to go too OT, but this must have been quite a while ago if you were getting the ENTIRE DC and Marvel weekly output for only $60.

I was in the comic shop the other day and the damned things were pushing $6 a pop!


Back OT:

Sorry to hear about your turmoil boc4ever.

For some reason, while the DVD collection used to be an issue with my wife, she hardly mentions it at all any more, except in terms of the amount of space it takes up in the living room.

Most of those studies do not take into account couples who break up after living together for a while who intended on getting married but never do. If these couples had goptten married instead of living together first and had ended up getting divorced, the divorce numbers would be higher. Thus, IMO, living together for a while before getting married does tend to reduce the overall number of divorces.

In reality neither of you holds a monopoly on the blame - you're probably both at fault, as is usually the case. You'll be better off in the long run; it doesn't sound like the two of you were on the same page. Go to the dog park and look for hot women who love dogs and movies (and try not to harp on and on about your ex-wife).

I think this is really about control. Wives really want to control their husbands and vice-versa.

The wife thinks he should work and spend all the spare cash (or high percentage of it) on the house. That's her goal and agenda.

Actually most minor house improvements are not good investments in the sense they do not usually increase resale value.

So that is really no better way to spend money than DVDs. Unless you are going to remodel entire rooms (or add entire new rooms), prospective buyers could give a rat's behind if you repainted last year, added new carpeting, or put in a new garage door opener. Those are strictly for the pleasure and convenience of the current home owner. They aren't going to give you more for the house because you did that.

One person cannot completely fufill another persons emotional, intellectual, and recreational needs. Some other outlets and relationships are needed for both parties.

For some guys, it is golfing, bowling, fishing, hunting, or other sporting endevors. For other guys its gambling or just hanging out at the local bar. Most of these are not wife approved either.

When my spouse invariably complains about having too many DVDs, I invariably bring up the subject of what might be considered her excessive jewelry and clothing ownership. The best defense is a good offense.

When she asks how many DVDs do you need, I ask how many necklaces, rings, shoes, and sweaters does she need? (It really isn't about need, it is about something that makes that person happy).

In either case it is the pride and the joy of ownership.

I also point out to her that I am a good reliable provider, am not out at all hours, and seldom partake of any events that exclude her. I just like to curl up with my DVDs as source of relaxation, entertainment, and education. With or without her, that is her choice. (She usually watches the shopping shows instead).

So in my opinion the issue on the DVDs is really about her frustration at not being able to control her husband to do only what she wants him to do (with his time and his money).

If it wasn't DVDs she would find something else that he liked to do and complain about that!

Marriage like politics is all about compromise. Neither party gets everything they want, but they get enough to keep them reasonably happy.

I'll chime in to agree that there seem to be more significant problems than just DVDs here... and that as things appear now, I'd say that boc4ever's in the wrong here.

Getting married, or moving in with a significant other, isn't just getting a new roommate. You're sharing your lives. That requires give and take on both sides. I don't believe in confrontational "Well, you spend X so I can spend Y" situations - I think that the two people should talk about how much they can afford to spend on hobbies/entertainment and decide what's reasonable for each of them. And basic stuff like bills and home repairs and maintenance come first!

I've been (happily) together with my husband for 11 years... some of them the money was very tight, and we spent very little on entertainment, but what we did spend, was on "joint" things or a little for each of us. Now we're no longer starving students, we can afford to spend more, but still in moderation. DVDs are a hobby we share, but we each have individual hobbies too... but the key is to use moderation, common sense, and communication. I don't have a problem when my husband buys a new video card for his computer, because a) he'll enjoy it, b) he'll discuss it with me first, and c) he won't go overboard anyway. The same thing goes for when I buy some fencing equipment - he's not going to grill me on what I bought, because a, b, and c also go for me.

If I were her, I'd be freaked out if there were a dog in the house that attacked me periodically... and the fact that this doesn't bother boc4ever is probably the *real* issue. I am also a pet owner and I believe you should be responsible for pets you adopt; however I wonder if he's able to give this dog the environment it needs? Maybe the responsible thing is to find a new home for it! (NOT just dump it at an animal shelter) Or train it, or fence it off, or something - not just let it keep biting his wife!

Is the DVD collection too big? Whether it's 5 DVDs of 500, it's too big if buying DVDs is more important than communicating with his wife and being responsible for his share of the maintenance of the home.

This is totally not a case of "Oh, women just don't understand DVDs" - and I'm glad that most of the rest of the people who've replied here have seen that!

It sounds like your wife gives you a little more balance in you life, my wife has done the same thing for me.

I would sell my entire DVD collection to keep my wife. She really does show me how to keep life in perspective: Family, kids, money, friendship...and DVDs. She lets me buy them, other than Christmas time, I spend about $50 a month on buying DVDs. I now only buy DVDs the whole will watch over and over again.

She really enjoys Christmas, so I got a 2nd job this year to allow us to do a few more things at Christmas time (Plays, gifts to family and friends, parties...). Another reason for the 2nd job is my wife wants some new furniture and I do not want to dip into our savings. My point is, if take care of her it makes me feel better and she takes care of me in many different ways. When I pratice giving (real sacrifices of my time, energy, emotions, planning...), she sees it and gives back out of gratifulness.

Being married would be like having 1 DVD. Who wants to keep watching the same movie over and over? Unless it was like Clue with the alternate endings and such.

I'm not married, and not dating... no surprise, really, as my personal ad usually looks something like this: SWM, 33, seeks SWF, 21-35. Must love movies/DVDs.

Love me, love my DVDs! 'Til death do my DVDs stay with me. We're a package deal. I wouldn't compromise on something that's so much a part of me.

Marriage isn't easy. I love my dog and my DVDs but if it came down to them or saving my marriage they would have to go.

My GF have lived togther and shared expenses for over 4 years. Thankfully we both do Ok salary-wise, and we're in the same tax bracket, so generally we don't have a problem paying for expenses and indulging our somewhat expensive hobbies. Plus she's a film lover like I am so that helps on the DVD and expensive TV front.

I can tell you right now that even if we marry, our money will always remain separate. Not because we don't trust each other, but simply because that's what works for us. We still rent so the monthly expenses are typically the same from month to month, but once we buy a house, if curtailing my DVD purchasing is required to make more funds available for necessities than that's what will happen, but we certainly don't need a joint account to accomplish that.