Think abou it again, "though" or "tho".
Which is more retatarded? "Would" or "wood". Is the "l" in any way required??

Josh-da-man,

A lot of what you stated is very true. Her decorating drive is very over the top, along with her need to clean. Usually to the point where she cannot relax until things are a "certain way".

Here is the situation with the dog:

As I mentioned before, the dog is a herding breed. She is compelled to keep us all within a certain area. When we attempt to leave, she gets very upset. She will bark, spin in circles, and try to keep us from exiting the house. It has been something we have dealt with since we got the dog in October 1999.

We took her to obedience classes and she graduated number two in the class of twelve. We took her to a doggie psychologist that outlined a plan to adjust her behavior. We implemented the plan and she is so intelligent that she can distinguish between "trial exits" and "true exits." Meaning she knew when we were attempting to train her and when we were actually leaving. When she knew we weren't really leaving, she would sit there and not make a peep. The plan was simply not working.

Since we adopted the dog, past unknown, at approximately 18 months of age, we learned quickly that the best time to train her had just passed. So we developed a system where my wife would leave first, and I would deal with the nightmare. That way, she could exit safely and I would handle the situation.

One morning, my wife was leaving for work. Per our agreement, I made sure the dog was distracted so she could leave. Moments later I heard her come back inside because she forgot something. I was in the process of getting dressed and came downstairs to see what the problem was. I saw my wife begin to exit the house while the dog was not contained. I shouted for her to hold on so I could get control, and she opted to walk out anyway. She was wearing a long flowing skirt and the dog was attempting to grab hold of her to bring her back inside. She couldn't get a good grip, and kept nipping until she finally got a hold of the back of her leg. Essentially, the dog used her front teeth and wasn't trying to inflict injury. This has been my opinion of the situation. My wife sees it differently.

I realize it is serious when a dog bites anyone. I would not want to see anyone get hurt, especially my wife. I am sure people will say a "bite is a bite", but this action was part of the dog's instinct. She was only doing what she has been bred to do. This is not a mean animal. If I thought she was viciously attacking my wife, I would have gotten rid of her in an instant. This was a situation that was well established and my wife ignored my request to allow me get the dog under control. I am not saying she got what she deserved by any means. I was very upset when this happened. I just don't understand why she couldn't wait 10 seconds to prevent it from happening...

I agree with you Kinyo :lol It would be rare to find that chick that holds that dvd like a baby in her arms lol!

I think the reason for this marriage breakup was because she was Jehova Witness?

-antonio

boc4ever, while I don't have any sage wisdom to offer regarding divorce, I have had friends who had dogs with serious separation anxiety. The thing that REALLY helped them was getting a large cage (crate) for their dogs to be in while they were gone. Crating dogs provides them with a "den" that helps them feel secure while you are out of the house. Since dogs are den animals by nature, it really helps with behavioral problems in that genre. If you haven't tried that yet, I highly recommend it. It has worked for several people I know, who now have much happier doggies. Good luck!

X

boc4ever,

screw everything. shave your head and become a buddhist monk. You need to move away from the materialistic world and enter the spiritual world.

I appreciate the suggestion. When we first adopted her, we crated her every day while we went to work. She was a ball of energy when we finally let her out after work.

One day, we arrived home to find her standing at the door. I believe I didn't secure the latch properly. However, nothing was destroyed. After that, we weaned her off the crate. Any time we tried to put her back in, she got upset. So we haven't used it in a while but still have it.

I might give it a shot when I move into my new place. She likes the feeling of being in a "den" as you mentioned. She will hide under the table and peer out. There might be something to what you are saying. Thanks again for the tip!

thats what I thought when I found my 9 month old rottie/heeler standing at the door, a few weeks back. turns out he pulled back some of the crate with his teeth. it looked like the Hulk had busted out of a safe. the crate was like $120 bucks and too tough for me to bend out of shape. I think Roscoe is like 60lbs. goin' on 100. a freakin' little monster who is very protective of "our" film collection.

crate training is something that should be focused on from the git-go. however...it's not for all dogs. my pup was adopted out of a shelter almost 250 miles away. nobody wanted him for a full month...and in the shelter he stayed. needless to say, he does not care for any prison-type atmosphere. I dont blame him. we have another crate now....and he does ok. I asked my wife to quit her job so she could partner up with me and the buisiness, so now the Rosconator always has someone here...spoiling his ass left and right.

my dog is a little like that. not as bad...but he makes his feelings known. mine has all rottie body but has that "herding"/Blue Heeler thing goin' on upstairs in his head. his jaws are massive and powerful. you have to be careful when playing tug-o-war with a short rope or doll. it's the toy he's gripping....not my hand. sometimes it's ME who gets a mistake riddled fang mark. play with fire...get burnt!

now my wife on the other hand...god bless her soul...sometimes interferes with the training process. this pisses me off to no end. training is a delicate thing and if there is no teamwork...it's a waste of time. right now a policeman friend of mine is helping me train him in the "corner and hold" command. needless to say, if my wife was around during this training...she'd get her hand bitten off.

that is just priceless.....

The first investment you make when getting married is to buy a BOAT! Then you won't have a divorce....... Just a boating accident!

boc4ever,

u need a major paradigm shift. Think outside the box for a moment and make some drastic changes in your life. Throw away all your dvds --- you'll have to leave those one day. Once you understand the illusory happiness of this world (Re: Ugetsu), you won't regret getting rid of your dvds. Then, embark on a spiritual quest, and take your wife along with you. Seek a meta-narrative, rather than fragmentary narratives that have almost no basis in reality. You'll find that your life is more wholesome and fulfilling.

Compromise is, with out a doubt, a huge part of any successful marriage/relationship. The thing is that the compromise isn't really between you and your SO . . . it's about you and yourself. You have things that you want to do and then you have your love for your wife/husband/GF/BF/etc. The comprimise is that sometimes you give up something that you want to do for that love for your SO.

Example: I dated a girl who had a special New Years weekend with her college friends every year. Personally, I like spending New Years with my family, but while we were dating, I went with her to visit with her friends. Now that we are no longer dating (long story), I spend New Years with my family again, but I don't regret spending those other years with her and her friends, because, although, personally, I wanted to do something else, it made her really happy to be with her friends and I wanted that for her. I also knew that it would mean a lot to her that I gave up some time with my family for her.Funny, I thought that reasons #2 and #3 were fairly shallow and unreasonable reasons to break up a marriage. Maybe stop hanging out with an aquaintence, but breaking a marriage over DVD's and a dog? That's something that you work on not give up because of.I agree whole-heartedly. People seem to forget that they are going to make a vow when they are getting married. How can you take a commitment seriously when you go into it with the idea that you can back out when things get hard.

BTW, boc, I'm not suggesting that this is what happened in your case . . . I'm just making a related point.I seriously doubt that she hates the DVD's. More likely, she is looking for something that she is not getting out of the marriage and is taking out her frustrations on the DVD's because it is something that boc likes.Good lord, Josh . . . what horrible experience happened to you? More importantly, what is the name of the woman/girl who did it, so I can avoid her . . . ? I understand exactly where you are coming from. My brother has an Australian Sheep Dog that has very similar behavior. Not always the easiest dogs to have as inside dogs. I admire your loyalty and determination to her. I'd imagine that your wife is probably a little nervous/scared based on the first incident . . . hopefully, if given the time, she well feel more comfortable. I hope it works out.



Final thoughts . . .

boc . . . there is basically one main thing that I see as being most important here. Do you still love her? If things were easier, would you want to still be married to her? Like someone others have said, I think that your marriage can still be saved if you want it.

If you want to work on keeping your marriage together, I can suggest one book that could be a good start. It's called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (some infromation here at Amazon). The reason why I recommend this book in particular is that the way you describe your wifes behavior is a very much like a basic symptom that Chapman describes. The basis of the book is that people express love in different ways or "languages" (specifically, "Touch", "Words Of Affirmation", "Acts Of Services", "Quality Time", and "Gifts"). Everybody has one main language that they "speak" natively (and usually at least one secondary one). If your spouse does not speak that language, then you will not feel any love coming from them even if they love you with all of their heart and are trying to show it. Regretfully, this "miscommunication" can ultimately result in the relationship dying. Chapman suggests that the way to fix this is by learning to express love to each other in the appropriate love languages.

From the limited information that I have about you two, my guess would be that your wife might be an "Acts Of Service" person. I am guessing this based on her wanting you to show an active interest in maintaining you home and your comments that she likes to decorate and make sure things are clean. It's hard to be sure, but that would be my first instinct. The fact that you are trying to show her love and getting no response to your attempts is another common symptom of this (basically you are "speaking" and different love language than the one she "understands").

By no means am I saying that this would be an instant fix, but, personally, it has helped me in both me personal relationships and my everyday interactions. In addition, from what I know of the book, Chapman's ideas and recommendations have helped a lot of couples, including ones on the brink of divorce. I would actually recommend this book to anyone, no matter what their relationships status is, but I really think, if you want to fight for your marriage (watching movie together as recently as a week ago is an encouraging sign), that it could truely be of some help.

boc, I'm truely sorry to hear that you are having the trouble that you are. Divorce, even that of a complete stranger like yourself, is always something that makes me sad . . . especially in this situation were you seem to have such a strong background together. I hope that there is some way that you can make this work. If not, I truely wish the best of luck to you both.

danol???

No, wait . . . danol would never suggest that anyone throw away their DVD's . .


. . . unless, of course, they have a dumpster.

I have seen this thread and not opened it several times now expecting it to be relating to a news article or the like and not worth reading. I have now just spent the past 30 minutes or so reading through it and firstly must say boc4ever you are brave to be posting something of this nature which is of course extremely personal on an open forum and I imagine took you some time to do before actually posting. The overall consensus though has been reasonably insightful which in itself is refreshing. Anyway my 2 cents for what it's worth from someone who has been married 6 years myself now is that you seem to have more than adequately made adjustments to your life in an attempt to ensure things were amicable between the two of you. Clearly in my estimation the problem lies more heavily with your wife and it may just be that she has decided you two are not meant to be. I can't see that making your life more miserable is a solution to the problems at hand. Your obviously intelligent and from what I can see to date have been understanding of your wife's needs and made compromises accordingly. I would dread the same thing to ever happen to me in my own relationship but shit happens. You do your utmost to firstly ensure it doesn't but if does you deal with it. You have done that and there apears no solution. I feel for you and trust now the divorce itself being inevitable goes as smoothly as possibly can and you come out the other side finding happiness. Happy New Year!

talemyn,

who or what is danol?


boc4ever,

just get rid of the dvds. they can neither benefit or harm you. If you think they can, then you are living in an illusion.

...he's a suspended member.

alright... I was only giving an honest advice. If any material good, let alone dvds, was causing any person that much of a problem, I would suggest that person to get rid of that thing...

Like I said, just an honest opinion...

Keep the DVDs, lose the cannolis.

danol was a member of DVDTalk who was known for his . . . shall we say . . . excentric and somewhat obtuse posts. The ethereal and spiritual aspect of your post . . . which, I must admit, lost me at the end . . . reminded me of his posting style.

If you are interested in knowing more about danol, see his most celebrated thread.

Even though he is "no longer with us", I like to think that he checks in on us from time to time . . .

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

To make a long story short, things are past the point of no return. My feelings about her are irrelevant. I do not wish ill will upon her. However, it is obvious to me that she does not feel that we both contributed to the dissolution of the marriage. I got the feeling that no matter what I did to make things better, it would not be good enough. If you know what I mean...

Thank you for your kind response.

I did take some time to think about the ramifications of opening myself up to criticism. However, I am an open person so I was curious if my situation was unique or if others were dealing with similar problems. As I said before, I wasn't looking for support or empathy, just feedback. There were a lot of responses that hit home pretty hard, in both ways. I realize I made mistakes. Marriage is a two way street.

I took this marriage very seriously and deeply loved this person. We went to counseling for about six months before she decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I was crushed, angry and baffled. In my eyes, our biggest problem was communication. We could not talk to each other.

In the end, it became apparent that we are both very stubborn and different in many ways. Originally, this is what attracted me to her. She is very grounded, and I am more of a free spirit. I think over time she started to find my personality less enticing because as we got older, there was more at stake in her eyes.

I really wanted to make this marriage work. I wouldn't have pursued a completely different career if that wasn't the case. In the long run, I will be a better person for making the change, but it hasn't been easy. I also think I will be better off with someone a bit more easy going and less engrossed with money matters.

You're no ee cummings, kid.

Neither is anyone else on the net remaking English into their own image.

Gatordeb continues to get hotter. When she suggests a marriage based on love and DVD's, it makes me wish I wasn't already married. Just think, two mammoth collections of DVD's smashing together, filling in each other's holes in the criterion collection...

Wow.

boc4ever,

I wish the best for you then.