Cusm

Krusty the Clown while commenting on how he voted for Mr. Burns overly produced Hollywood(or Mexiwood) tripe of a movie over Barney's touching independant film at the Springfield film festival.
Let's just say it moved me, TO A BIGGER HOUSE! (Internal monologue) Oh crap I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

Quake1028

This is a great little bit:

[Homer at bank getting loan to buy Lisa a pony]
Homer: Uh, I need to borrow $5000.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that big myself. I'll have to get someone with authority.
[she leaves. Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
Mr. Burns: Hello!
Homer: Mr. Burns! You do this personally?
Mr. Burns: Well, it's sort of a hobby, you know. Now, what's this? You want to borrow $5000 to buy a pony? Smithers, isn't that wonderful! He's joining the horsey clan!
[lowers voice]
Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not going to eat it, are you?
Homer: No! I need $5000 to buy a pony for my daughter because she doesn't love me anymore...
Smither: Shut up, Simpson! Do you have any collateral?
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, let's not badger the man! His spirit is my collateral!
[to Homer]
Mr. Burns: By the way, are you familiar with our state's anti-usury laws?
Homer: Us-ury?
Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just used a word that doesn't exist. Sign here!
[Homer signs contract. Burns laughs manically, then coughs and laughs sweetly when Homer looks at him]
Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers said today.
Smithers: I didn't say anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up!

SuprVgeta

Wow so many to think of, umm here are a few I can remember off the top of my head, i haven't watched the newer simpsons in a couple years. Forgive me if any of the quotes aren't completely accurate.

Lou: We're doing that sting tonight chief.
Chief Wiggum: I thought we did that last night?
Lou: Yeah, but tonight we have the right house.

Homer: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! my CAR!

Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, I CALL HIM GAMBLOR! and it's time I snatched her from his neon claws.

Lisa: (Hits the deadly jelly bar away from Homer in the food critic episode, and it explodes).
Chief Wiggum: Whew! Thank god it landed in that smoking crater.

Marge: (Walks into house and Homer is camped behind the couch pointing a shotgun at her) Homer what happened here?
Homer: Oh just a little thing called the BOOGIE MAN Marge! This is all your fault, had you been here to keep me from acting stupid none of this would've happened.

Homer: What are ya gonna do? release the hounds? release the bees? Release the dogs that when they bark they shoot bees from their mouth?

Chief Wiggum: The Simpsons, oh you mean the L.A. Clippers of backyard tennis? They're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles.
Lou: Well I dunno Chief, it's pretty easy to beat a suspect in shackles.
Chief Wiggum: Well that's the joke Lou, it's on the Simpsons, and their easy beat-a-bility.

Apu: Finish up and GET OUT!! And then come again!

My favorite of all episodes probably has to be the one where Burns gets Jose Canseco, Don Mattingly, Griffey, Clemens, etc... to play for the baseball team, that was a true classic.

I could think of tons more, but that's it for now

SuprVgeta

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, MAAAGical animal.

(The Shining Spoof episode)
Marge: (Over the radio) HELP! my husband has gone on a murderous rampage, over.
Chief Wiggum: phew, I'm glad that's over.

Willie: Yeah, I bought 'yer dog, and I ATE him...
Bart: (Gasps)
Willie: I ate his little face, I ate the way he's always barking, and I also ate the mess he left on my rug...... ya heard me.

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

cruzness

I used to say this to my wife about our dog

LorenzoL

Dear Mom and Dad. I no longer fear Hell because I've been to Kamp Krusty -- Lisa

Homer: {Hurry up! It's my first day of clown college.}
Marge: {Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm!}
Homer: {[squirming] I _am_ holding still. I _am_ squirming.}
Bart: {Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty, it's
sacrilege. He's a one-and-only. I mean, he invented the pie-fight, the pratfall, and the seltzer bottle, as far as I know.}
Lisa: {Yeah, Dad, it was bad enough when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley, but Krusty?}
Homer: {You weren't complaining when I got you this close to Chachi.}
Bart: {[pauses] [looks at Lisa] What's a Chachi?}
-- It's like a hibachi, only funnier

Homer: [folding a balloon incompetently] And then, take that...and...put that in there, and you...ah! There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy!
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Homer: But wait...you can't kill me for being Krusty the Klown. I'm not him...I'm Homer Simpson!
Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumbel.
Legs: The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking picture of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually, my _real_ name is, uh -- think, Krusty, think! -- Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime?
[later]
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: [sleepy] Must...protect...sugar. Thieves everywhere. The strong must protect the sweet...the sweet...[snores]
Marge: [walking out] Homer?
Homer: [with a Spanish accent] In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women...[snores]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil
wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.
Marge: I think women should be able to play any sport men play, but hockey is so violent and dangerous -- look at Milhouse's teeth.
[open her hand]
Bart: Mom, will you stop showing us those?

LorenzoL

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.
Lisa: It's from my pen-pal Anya! [reads]
Anya: [voice over] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our
president has been overthrown and [voice changes to that of a man] replaced by the benevolent general Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl.

Wiggum: [miffed] Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief Piggum!" [everyone laughs] Heh, now I get it. That's good.

Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
Bob: [conciliatorily] No, that's German for "The Bart, The." [The spectators laugh, understanding]
Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practise a bit, hmm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly]
Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly]
[A long time later]
Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [stomps on Homer's foot a few times]
Homer: [stares blankly]
[to other agent] I think he's talking to _you_.


What could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football? -- Lisa

twikoff

Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. Or it could possibly kill you.

Homer: Hmm... Increase my killing power, eh?

Tracer Bullet

"Lisa, I would like to purchase your rock"

The delivery makes it funny.

Rypro 525

Apu: he slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers, but there goes the best damned employee that a convieance store has seen.

my personal favorite.

Abranut

Fake Working Homer with a bucket for head: [voice on cassette, singing]
I work hard for the money
So hard for the money
Oh, I something, something money,
Come on give me lots of honey!

Homer: Oh, I like food alright ...:singing:
I like pizza, I like bagels,
I like hot gods with mustard and beer
Editor: I get the picture
Homer: :continues singing:
I'll eat eggplant,
I could even eat a baby deer
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Who's that baby deer on the lawn there?
Editor: Enough already!
Homer: Sorry.

WiccanMuse

Homer: "It's 'uter-US, Marge, not uter-you!"

Muse

bhk

There's so many.
When Burns catches Homer sitting in his hideaway/safe/plastic bubble and says:
"who are you?"
It zooms in on his head and you hear him thinking:
"Think, Homer, Think"
Then he says: "I'm Mr. Burns!....D'OH"

When he tries to get his highschool diploma(or college diploma) and has to pass the final exam, it zooms in on Homer's head and he thinks:
"Ok, brain, let's make a deal. You help me pass this exam today, and I'll go back to killing you with alcohol tomorrow"


The episode where Bart and Lisa submit scripts for Itchy and Scratchy and win an emmy. They wrote grandpa Simpson's name on the script as the author so naturally, he gets the checks from the studio. Bart and Lisa ask him for their share of the money.
GS: "No it's my money"
Bart: "Don't you think it's strange that you're getting money for not doing anything?"
GS: "I thought it was because the Democrats are back in power"


GS in the episode where SS Bob took over an airbase and had a nuclear bomb.
GS coming out of a porta-potty
"This elevator only goes to the basement, and someone's made an awful mess down there"

Bart:" Grandpa, I'm going to tell you a story that'll make you pee in your pants."

GS: "Too late."

slop101

The Wisdom Of Homer Simpson:

America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!

You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as “The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.”

Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… Thy will be done. (munch, munch, munch)

Wow. A baby and a free burger! Could this be the best day of my life?

Ha, ha! Look at this country! You are gay!? Ha, ha! (Looking at Uruguay)

Don’t blame me—I voted for Kodos.

I’m whizzing with the door open—and I love it!

So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

The Girls of the Internet. Ooh, I’d go online with them any day!

If he is so smart, how come he is dead?

This kid’s a wonder! He organized all the lawsuits against me into one class action suit.

I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.

The food was not undelicious.

If you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage.

It’s time to get Homer-erotic!

With today’s gasoline prices, we cannot afford not to buy a pony.

20 million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.

My wife and kids stood by me. On the way back I realized how little it helped.

Oh, that’s great honey. You tell me everything you can about it until the commercial’s over.

Movies aren’t stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Before Lethal Weapon II, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet. Now I check every time.

C’mon, Bart—be a sport and kill Blitzen!

But I’m so sweet and tasty.

Isn’t there anything faster than a microwave?

Marge! We haven’t missed pork chop night since the great pork chop scare in ’87.

Why are all the good things so tasty?

Homer no function beer well without.

That’s no way to address Sir Drinksalot!

For the first time in my life, people weren’t laughing at me. They were laughing towards me.

They like me because I’m brave.

Getting light-headed. Good… no heavy head to carry…

And it was fine for the 1930s—the country was doing great back then. Everybody was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action. And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.

No matter how tempting it might be, I can’t let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob.

The cactus is right. I’ve only got one chance—I’ve got to knock him out!

When did we stop rooting for the man with the flamethrower, or an acid-shooting gun of some kind?

You can take this job and re-staff it.

I’ll tell people what to think. Now you tell me what to think.

I hope you cut me better than you cut these string beans.

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter?
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Internet! Is that thing still around?

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel, if you will.

Okay, whatever to take my mind off my life.

Rock stars—is there anything they don't know?

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

“Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer.” Bastard! He’s always one step ahead.

To be loved, you have to be nice to others everyday! To be hated, you don’t have to do squat.

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Does whisky count as beer?

Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Don’t mess with the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.

Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he's up in heaven right now, laughing it up with all the other celebrities—John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.

Doughnuts! Is there anything they can’t do?

Are you sure you’re an accredited and honored pornographer?

I can’t believe that someone I’ve never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

God bless those pagans.

Ah! I was voted most likely to be a mental patient or a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.

Marge, your paintings look like the things they look like.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. Ah, T-Bor, how many times have you saved my butt.

Lord, I know I shouldn’t eat Thee, but… munch, munch, munch… mmm… sacrelicious.

Aw, 20 dollars? I wanted a peanut.

I don’t apologize. I am sorry, Lisa, that’s the way I am.

If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

Who is Fonzy?! Don’t they teach you anything at school?!

God cannot be EVERYWHERE, right?

What’s keeping Joan Rivers alive?

Ooh! Sensory depravation kicks ass!

Oh! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!

Bart, you’re saying butt-kisser like it’s a bad thing!

Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.

Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don’t know how long I can complain.

Good drink… good meat… good God, let’s eat!

Vampires are make-believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos!

Hey, I asked for ketchup! I’m eatin’ salad here!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t! I mean s-m-A-r-t.

I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

I don’t want to go, so if he asks me to go, I’ll just say, ‘Yes!’

I guess you might say he barking up the wrong… bush.

I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

I promised my boy one simple thing: Lots of riches, and that man broke my promise!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

I wonder where Bart is, his dinner’s getting all cold… and eaten.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m lazy! I’m going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba—uh, goodnight.

If something is too hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we’ll go inside and watch TV.

If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re sadly mistaken!

If this were really a nuclear war we’d all be dead meat by now.

I’ll handle this. The only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute. Statue of Liberty… THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

I’m going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for TEN MINUTES.

I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to church!

I’m just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

I’m no supervising technician, I’m a technical supervisor.

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women!

It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

It’s a good thing that beer wasn't shaken up any more, or I’d have looked quite the fool. An April fool, as it were.

It’s like something out of that Twilighty show about that zone.

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

Just because I don’t care doesn't mean I don’t understand!

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you’re both potential murderers.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do.

Let us all bask in television’s warm glowing warming glow.

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Lisa, stop that racket! I’m trying to fix your mother’s camera.

Easy… easy. I think I’ll need a bigger drill.

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break yours.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

Oh look at me ! I'm making people happy! I’m the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure… not even close.

Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost $15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart’s a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let’s go back to that… building… thingie… where our beds and TV… is.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Read your town charter, boy. If food stuff should touch the ground, said food stuff shall be turned over to the village idiot. Since I don’t see him around, start shoveling!

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!

Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one ever found out about.

Solid waste! I could kiss you! Bleh! Ew! Yeech! Ooh! I think this was pizza!

Son, being popular is the most important thing in the whole world.

Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this: It is not okay to lose.

Stealing! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What’s-his-name?

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

The lesson is, Our God is vengeful! Oh spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!

The strong must protect the sweet.

There’s a New Mexico?!?

They have the Internet on computers, now?

This doughnut has purple in the middle, purple is a fruit.

This is absolutely the last funeral we ever take you kids to.

This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke; it just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family. No offense.

Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the… things? Uh… the things.

A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.

I’ve got the prescription for you, Doctor—another hot beef injection!

Wait a minute. I’m a guy like me!

Out of my way, jerk-ass!

We monorail conductors are a crazy breed.

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back… unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

Well, it’s like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup, it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain’t catsup!

We’re gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.

We’re laughing with her, Marge. There’s a big difference. Ha, ha, ha! With her.

What are you gonna do? Sick your dogs on me? Or your bees? Or dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at me?

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

What’s the point of going out, we’re just going to end up back here anyway?

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy.

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces. Just know they’re about to jab me with something.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

Yeah, Moe—that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Oh, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.

Yes, honey. Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, “Homer, you're a big disappointment,” and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on EVERY CAR!

You know, my kids think you’re the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they’ve finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is “never try.”

You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.

Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

If you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

To alcohol! The cause of—and solution to—all of life’s problems!

Lisa, the mob’s working on getting your saxophone back, but we’ve also expanded into other important areas. World domination.

Lurlee your song touched me in so many ways… and which way to the can?

Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy’s boat!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Shut up, Brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

Marge, would you please tell Bart that I would just like to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning?

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman, and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it’s all because of my motivational techniques, like doughnuts and the possibility of more doughnuts to come.

No! No-no-no-no-no-no! Well, yes.

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.

I want to share something with you—the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one: “Cover for me.” Number two: “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three: “It was like that when I got here.”

Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leah and as smart as Yoda.

Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. “Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.”

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how drunk you get.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else—and it hasn't—it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?! Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?!

Marge, send the kids to the neighbors. I’m coming home loaded.

Oh, well, of course everything looks bad if you remember it.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Good things don’t end in “eum,” they end in “mania” or “teria.”

Carnies built this country. The carnival part of it, anyway.

The Alien has a sweet Heavenly Voice... Like Urkle. And he appears every Friday night… Like Urkle.

If god didn’t want me to eat in church, He would've made gluttony a sin.

I felt a surge of power, like God must feel when He’s holding a gun.

All my life I’ve been an obese man trapped inside a fat man’s body.

My bologna has a first name, It’s H-O-M-E-R! My bologna has a second name, It’s H-O-M-E-R.

This ticket doesn’t just give me a seat, it gives me the right—NO, the DUTY—to make a complete ass of myself.

Jesus, Allah, Buddha… I love you all!

Stupid risks are what makes life worth living.

…And I'm not impressed easily …WOW! A blue car!!!

Don’t worry honey, daddy will fix that broken animal.

Hey, if you don’t like it, go to Russia!

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.

Man, it feels good to get out of that car! Ooh, go-karts, come on every body, let’s go!

Maybe he is acting stupid to infiltrate an international gang of idiots.

You don’t know what it’s like, I’m the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line, and I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order! You want the Truth? You want the TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

I am 26 hours late for work. No time for Maggie.

Is it normal to see Mr.Burn’s face on a bowling ball?

Kids are great, Appu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the Internet and all.

Ahhh… sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Sorry Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Asleep at the switch? I wasn’t asleep, I was drunk.

Whoa, that’s hot. There isn’t a man alive who wouldn’t get turned on by that. Well, goodbye.

Sure, IN theory. In theory communism works ...

When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen.

Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement.

Hey there, Blimpy Boy, flying through the sky so fancy… free…
Where’s my Burrito? Where’s my Burrito?

Well… GOD conned me out of $6,500 bucks for car repairs.

You’ve just won 10 million from the Publisher’s Clearing dealy.

60 cents!?! I could’ve made more money if I had gone to work.

Ooh! The magic is made of chimps.

Get used to it, honey. From now on, we’ll be spelling everything with letters.

This place is a blast. All we have to do is bear two hours of excruciating pain. Then it is all sun and surfing.

You’re not the only one that can abuse a non profit organization!

Chesty Lerou… Busty St. Claire… Booby McBoob? [Homer’s suggestions for a name-change for Marge]

Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart.

Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking.

You can’t depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there’s a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

The only guys who wore Hawaiian shirts are gay guys and big fat party animals.

Sweet merciful crap!

Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Excuse me doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine.

Nacho, nacho man! I want to be a nacho man!

I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Hey, can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in two places at once.

Ooh, a graduate student huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but can’t make my shoes smell good?

Alcohol is a way of life. Alcohol is my way of life and I aim to keep it!

Television—teacher, mother, secret lover!

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…
And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that? I can understand how they wouldn’t let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Hey Flanders, it’s no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can’t both win.

You heard me, I won’t be in for the rest of the week. I told you! My baby beat me up! No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

Dear God, just give me one channel.

Pffft, English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England.

Well, you bought all those smoke alarms and we haven't had a single fire.

Quiet, you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.

Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different.

Oh, Marge, cartoons don’t have any deep meaning. They’re just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.

A job’s a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

Well, I know you love me, so you don’t get squat. Hee, hee, hee!

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Uh… Somewhere in the back.

No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.

Homer: Well, he’s got all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [Pause] A dinosaur

I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it’s no big deal. You know why? Whenever Marge turns on one of her “non-violent” programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love.

If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.

Homer: Marge, where’s that… metal deely… you use to… dig… food…
Marge: You mean a spoon?
Homer: Yeah, yeah!

Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.

I am not crazy. It’s the TV that’s crazy. Aren’t you, TV?

I am sane again. Look Marge! And I owe all this to… THE SPRING BREAK!

Oh! I haven’t changed since high school and suddenly I am uncool.

Are you sure this is the Sci-Fi Convention? It’s full of nerds!

Once the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!

Oh, let’s just say I had help from a little magic box.

But I was going to loot you a present.

They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you’re dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

[Thinking] Don’t tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else is open at night? [Aloud] It’s a pornography store. I was buying pornography. [Thinking] Heh, heh, heh. I woulda never thought of that.

God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow, don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woohoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge, we’re gettin’ some drive-thru then doin’ it twice.

Give me some peace of mind or I’ll mop the floor with you!

My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! On our wedding day I promised to Bogart her for life!

We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.

I’ve been muscled out of everything I’ve ever done, including my muscle-for-hire business.

You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!

Marge: Homer there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No he’s a scientist.
Homer: Batman’s a scientist.
Marge: He’s not Batman!

Homer: Kids, Kids! I’m not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Err… He sold poisoned milk to school children.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Hey, I’m just trying to make it easier on them.

Default! The two sweetest words in the English language!

Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me! And maybe the boy.

Kent: Well what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it’s been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t committing crimes.
Kent: (pause) Mmm. Touché.

Homer no function beer well without.

No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must have been out taking a whiz.

Homer: Here’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I’m a boy.
Homer: That’s the spirit. Never give up.

That’s it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room.

I want to set the record straight—I thought the cop was a prostitute.

That’s it! If I’m gonna be trapped inside the house, I gotta go out and buy some beer.

Oh! It’s 1 am. I better go home and spend some quality time the kids.

Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

tommyp007

jdslater

Mr Burns " And I told you to get rid of those sideburns,dammit!"

Baseball player "Mr burns I don't know if you what sideburns are, but"

Mr Burns "I said get rid of them"

Jazzbutcher

Grandpa: "It's cold and I'm being chased by wolves!"