I read a few pages, didn't find any of them funny. Validates my complete bafflement at the humor in this show.

You may not find the quotes in this thread funny but to say that there isn't anything funny about the show is just trolling.

I was always kind of partial to...

"Lace up your skates, Gordie. You're going in"

Point taken. Was not meant as a troll post at all but I could see that interpretation. Was just reacting to these being the best quotes and the humor just completely missing me. Don't have any axe to grind with people that enjoy it.

The FX Now app has every Simpsons episode available for free streaming.

I have watched 15 episodes in the last few days.

I own most of them on DVD but there is an appeal to not having to get out of bed to watch em.

Our favorites:

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.

Kent Brockman: “One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

Reading the quotes here alone, out of context, they're not funny on their own. We're laughing because they remind us of the complete scenes, within the proper context. Also, Simpsons is the funniest piece of humor ever created by man. Truth.

English instructions ruined, must use French.

Le Grille?!? What the Hell is that?!?

Okay. Fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss in the exciting world of frame-nudging! Yes, for a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves, a cannister of wall lubricant and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including: "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?"

Announcer #1: And here come the pretzels!
Marge: Oh, no! No, don't do that! You're suppose to be
tasting them!
Announcer #2: Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field pleading with
the crowd for... for some kind of sanity.
Announcer #1: Uh-oh, and a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey
unconscious.
Announcer #2: Wow. This is uh... This is a black day for baseball.

You can call them Whitey Whackers!

Chalmers: Oh, my God! What's happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis.
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of day? At this time of year? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes!
Chalmers: Skinner, you're an odd fellow but steam a good ham.
Skinner's Mom: The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, Mother. That's just the Northern Lights.

That's missing one of my favorite parts.

Chalmers: May I see it.
Skinner: No.

Troy McClure's Agent (Jeff Goldblum): I got you a part in the new Planet of the Apes musical! "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off!"
Troy McClure: It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Musical:
Troy: I hate every ape I see from chimpan-a to chimpan-zee. No, you'll never make a monkey out of me.

[Statue of Liberty rises in background]

Oh, my God. I was wrong. It was Earth all along. You've finally made a monkey out of me.

Apes: Yes, we've finally made a monkey.
Troy: Yes, you've finally made a monkey out of me.
Apes: Yes, we've finally made a monkey out of you.
Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!

You're right! I was doing it from memory.

Young Kent Brockman: I'm Kenny Brokelstein!

Homer: I wish I had a Monkey's Paw.

Mr. Burns: Release the hounds.

Mechanic: Here's your problem, your doll is set to EVIL.

The beginning of this seems a bit off to me. It was more like

Phone rings
Agent: Troy? Mac Parker.
Troy: MacArthur Parker the agent? MacArthur Parker MY agent?
Agent: Have you ever heard of "The Planet of the Apes"?
Troy: The movie or the planet?
Agent: The brand new, multi-million dollar musical starring you... as the human.
Troy: It's the part I was born to play, baby!

I believe the extended name of the musical was only on the sign, never spoken. I have that dialog seared into my brain because it's maybe my favorite episode and it was on the first CD of Simpsons songs (from the show).

Yes, and, as I said above, I was typing this from memory so it's not gonna be exact.

I love the exchange in "Bart After Dark"

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

<iframe width="640" height="360" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/opk4x7jzRS4?feature=player_detailpage" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

In the kitchen, Bart and Homer try to cheer up a much depressed Marge.

Bart: Cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and
thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford!
Homer: You could call them Whitey-Whackers.
-- Buy one and get a chance to knock Whitey yourself!