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For All the New Members: "The Day I Found the UnderLord's Privates in the Garden"

For All the New Members: "The Day I Found the UnderLord's Privates in the Garden"

Old 01-22-02, 08:47 PM
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For All the New Members: "The Day I Found the UnderLord's Privates in the Garden"

That's Right...

It's that time again...

...for all the DVD Talk Newbies and Old Timers alike to cuddle up around this old, crusty, strange, reoccurring, apparently never dying, at times obnoxious, longwinded, pathetic albeit loving yet haunting thread...and I'll tell you all a Tale of 'Forbidden Fungus', that will change the way you look at plants & gardens...


...it was on a day, very much like today, some 25 years ago...when 'IT' happened...

An English gentleman friend of mine named Tony who lived across the street wanted his house painted, and he just happened to have a rather large collection of Beatle records & memorabilia (including many Japanese pressings, singles, posters, many double copies, some still factory sealed) that he had shown me weeks before, packed away in a few old boxes in his garage.

I told him that I'd gladly do the job in trade for all the records and the related items. He thought about it for a moment, and then begrudgingly said 'okay'.

So I got to it, and during the second day, I was walking up the driveway into the backyard to rinse the brushes and noticed this "THING" sticking out of the ground in the garden that wasn't there the day before.

It was quite peculiar looking, in that it was pinkish red in color and about 9 inches tall with redish tip, and looked remarkably like a swollen 'Johnson', just standing there in all it's Glory...popping right out of the ground amongst the roses and weeds!

There were flies all around it, and as I got closer, I smelled a smell so horrible, that I nearly threw up my breakfast. It smelled just like that of a rotting animal carcass!!!

I was taken back (to say the least) and my first thought was that this perverse "THING" was simply not of this world, as it looked just like what I would imagine the UnderLord's Privates to look like...and in the back of my mind, I thought in a yelling kinda way:

"Oh my Gawd! This is SATAN'S BONER...STRAIGHT FROM HELL!!!"' , , &

It was unusually quiet at that moment and feeling a bit uneasy I turned and yelled out to Tony like a frightened school girl. He came running outside and I grabbed his arm and pulled him back to the newly discovered 'Place of Unholy Ground' (as it were...) and pointed down to the phallic intruder, and when he saw it, his face literally went pale and he asked me, 'What the HELL is that?', and I told him, 'Heck Tony, I don't know what it is, but it sure looks like...like...like...SATAN'S BONER to me!'.

He gave me a smurk, and we both cracked a smile, but the smiles & smurks soon faded as the sky appeared to slowly darken and we both went silent. Things became strangely serious from that point on, as we just stood there, and stared at this "THING" from the underworld.

Because it was so weird, and being that neither of us had ever seen anything this freaky coming right out of the ground like that, we seriously started to think that it may have come from 'Outer Space' or something. We actually looked around for meteor burns in the trees & dirt around it, but couldn't find any and at that point we really didn't know just what to think.

Then, all of a sudden, Tony became visibly paranoid, and started looking all around, and he told me that he thought that it might really be Satanic (you know, in a 'Voodoo-ish' kinda way), and that there might be a curse on the house or something like that, and he wanted me (of all people) to dig it up and get it off his property ASAP before his kids & wife got home and saw it, and the 'Curse'...kick into fast gear.

I told him, 'Are you nuts? 'I'M not gonna dig it up, YOU dig it up', and he said, 'I'm not touching that thing, YOU dig it up and get rid of it!'

We went back and forth and back and forth until we started yelling and screaming and actually throwing stuff at each other. But when he started hurling British Vulgarities at me, I knew this was really getting serious.

The panic evolved into a Contest of Fear (or whatnot), and then into a Tournament of sorts to see who could throw a random object at the 'opponent' closest, without actually hitting or hurting him. We were cussing at each other really loud by this time and almost got into an actual fist fight. He nearly started crying. Man, we were Really losing it!

At that point, he threw down a dirt clod he was holding and stomped away just like a little kid and went into his house and slammed the door with a Mighty English Slam!


I just stood there, out of breath and dumbfounded. Then I felt a chill of fear as I remembered that I was once again alone in the backyard with that "THING" (and it's flies).

After a short while, I composed myself and decided to dig up this 'demon organ' from a safe distance of 3 or 4 feet with a shovel. So I did the deed, and put it safely within the confines of a heavy-duty Zip-Lock baggie.

After a few days of not speaking to eachother, we calmed down, restored our friendship and at one point even thought about drying it out and smoking it (thinking that somehow we'd get 'Cosmically Stoned' or something), but neither of us had the courage to actually touch the thing, let alone smoke it.

Anyway, I showed it to everyone I knew. I kept it for about two months but by that time it was decaying and molding and steaming up the baggie something awful, so I finally buried it in my back yard.

...and so THAT was "The Day I found the UnderLord's Privates in the Garden".

It's been called many things since that fateful day: "Satanus-Bonerus" (Latin), "The UnderLord's Privates" (Proper), and most commonly "Satan's Boner" (Vile).

After a little research with the help of my Other Forum Counterpart Goblincat, who actually created that adorable (if you will) little bonerish looking creature that you may have seen popping in & out of various threads around here, which Kenwood (a former Moderator) later called the 'The Other Forum Guy', and thus added it to DVD Talk's smilie page, I learned that it was indeed a real-life plant called 'The Stinkhorn Fungus', and looking very much like...like...like...LIKE THIS!!!:

So, from this strange tale take heed...to tip toe softly through the Gardens of your life. I was lucky and survived, but if your not careful, you may not fare as well as I, and someday unknowingly stumble and be overtaken by...


That Gentleman Fellow

"The Day I Found The UnderLord's Privates in the Garden", "Satanus-Bonerus", "The UnderLord's Privates" and "Satan's Boner" are all Registered Trademarks of Edit King Productions, Inc. Copyright 2003. All Human & Plant Rights Preserved.

Last edited by The Edit King; 05-13-08 at 11:40 AM. Reason: Because I have many correctional issues.
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Old 01-22-02, 08:49 PM
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you know, it's a good thing no one is looking or they'd know i have completely reworked this post 10 times trying to think of what to say
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Old 01-22-02, 08:59 PM
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This is kind of like all the Evil Dead re-releases. You know another packaging of the same story will show up every 6 months or so.

Should we call this the "Bootleg Version"?
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Old 01-23-02, 01:43 AM
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This dream I had the other day

I was somewhere... all I remember is that I was in a field or something with someone and I looked around and there were HUNDREDS of Satan's Boners EVERYWHERE! I freaked out and thought Hey Paul would appreciate this

That's all I remember. But this thread made me remember the dream, at least. Not many of you could boast that you dreamt about hundreds of Satan's Boners, HUH!

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Old 01-23-02, 07:24 AM
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Originally posted by Betho
This dream I had the other day

I was somewhere... all I remember is that I was in a field or something with someone and I looked around and there were HUNDREDS of Satan's Boners EVERYWHERE!
I think it would be best if you didn't tell us what happened next.
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Old 01-23-02, 09:15 AM
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Old 01-23-02, 11:32 AM
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Randyc said before they have been showing up in his back yard lately. I think they are spreading!

BTW, Randy, you never posted the pics!
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