Dearest March,

I know we don't talk much, and we haven't always seen eye to eye on everything (don't get me started on your Ides); but whether you know it or not, I have always respected the way you carry yourself, especially when surrounded by the likes of February and April. I understand that you're undoubtedly preoccupied with the upcoming "Madness," and I'm sure Jesus is keeping you busy, but I call upon you now to step up and salvage this current television season before it's too late. The losses of Farscape and Buffy and Firefly (and shortly Angel) have left us with essentially no inventive "genre" programming with any substance (Smallville's flash of quality last season now seems a distant memory, and let's not even talk about Enterprise) ... even Alias seems lost ... and Jeremiah is lost; the departure of Sorkin and Schlamme dropped network television's best show from stellar to mediocre; and nearly everything new that showed promise, from Sisco to Boomtown, got the axe. Longtime great Law & Order is barely worth watching anymore, and fellow longtime great NYPD Blue -- coming off two wonderful and rejuvenating seasons -- gets bumped for months yet again to bring us another formulaic clone drama in typical ABC style. While satisfying on some levels, both Ed and Sex and the City stumbled to the finish line while Friends will likely take another 7 years before airing the final episode (which, according to NBC, will be the most important event in the course of human history). Fluffy C.S.I. -- a hugely popular show for reasons that escape me -- is even disappointing its diehard fans; and the oft criticized (by me) 24 has become so laughably terrible, I've begun to realize that we're all subjects of an elaborate joke to see how stupid the show can be and still maintain an audience.

Or perhaps I've simply been transported to Bizzaro World in my sleep, where unicorns freely roam the streets, 24 takes home a Golden Globe for Best Drama, and Vanessa Marcil patiently waits at my home for my return while I type this. Only in this Bizzaro World would many reality shows and comedies (even the basic sit-coms) be outclassing most of the dramatic shows. What? Did he really say that? Yep. We bitch and moan about the reality invasion (much of it justified), but at the end of the day, I find I'm more interested in Randi's alcoholic crybaby brother than C.J.'s eyerolling tryst with Otter from Delta House; a musical montage of a naked Hatch mocking his tribemates, wrestling sharks, and getting "bamboozled!" is more compelling than the 7th musical montage of Van Doren, Sampson, and Cohen acting depressed ... and that's that with that. While improved a bit, Boston Rob and Boston Brian are often more entertaining than Boston Public. Will Lana and Clark ever get together? Who cares. I want to know will Heidi feast on the lifeless carcas of Ponderosa? Sadly, this isn't the lowering of my standards, but the unfortunate reaction to an overall drop in quality across the board. And only in Bizzaro World would Americans react so childishly and embarrassingly to a half-exposed breast ... oh wait, we do this sexually repressed hypocrisy dance all the time, so I guess it's to be expected. MPAA ... nevermind.

Don't get me wrong: there is still some incredible quality floating around out there. Shows like Scrubs and The Bernie Mac Show are continuing to bring a fantastic balance between unique comedy and compelling drama, sophomore's like American Dreams, Without a Trace, and Everwood are still going strong, and newcomers like Joan of Arcadia, Las Vegas and Arrested Development show some promise for the future ... and thank God for Alan Shore. Still, we're a long way from last year's mark, and there isn't much time left, but I have faith that you, my dear March, can stop the insanity and right this ship for the home stretch.

I do not ask that you undertake this task alone. I give you the return of South Park, The Sopranos, The Shield, The World Poker Tour, JKX, and Crossing Jordan, along with the long awaited premiere of Deadwood, Wonderfalls, Kingdom Hospital, Century City, The Stones, and Cracking Up. Sure, those last few will probably be chock full of suck, but there's hope. Put aside the Ranger; become who you were born to be ... or something like that. You know what must be done.

This is our most desperate hour. Help me, March ... you're my only hope.

Sincerely Delusional,

das

Ahhhhh, das is back.

The lack of Chappelle's Show in this letter is disturbing...






















"Bitch."

AMEN.



Welcome back, bitch.

Did the dog bite your penis or something?

Now we know what you've been doing...penning that long-ass post!

In all seriousness, while I love the addition of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories, I think on the whole it was a better show last season. Same with Curb.

das

Sleeping pills and Nyquil is to blame for this rant and rave I say!

6 weeks of tireless effort is a small price to pay for a masterpiece.

das

Indeed. It's far and away the best post I've read this afternoon.

I figure after being gone for so long, I should give the public what they want: a verbose and relatively pointless rant.

das

I thought you could type faster than that.

Welcome back.

I fear we'll have to cross "Las Vegas" off the "Promising" list.

Don't worry. Didn't take more than 5 minutes, if that. Once I start coredumping a rant, the typing speed increases tenfold.

Thanks. Not sure how "back" I am yet, but considering recent events around here, I figured it best to show a pulse on the off chance someone was genuinely concerned or something.

das

We were! You're like a cult leader around these parts. Or something.

Would a joke about Patman leading a mission to suicide bomb Book Talk be in poor taste?

das

Or something.

The "s" word might not be well received for a coupla days.

But ya never know.

das,

You had me at "Dearest." You. Had. Me. At. Dearest.

Love,
March


p.s. - Welcome back!

Welcome back, das!

Did you hear I'm pregnant? Gonna have another little couch potato to watch shows with.

I really enjoyed your post and it sums up alot of my feelings about this season of TV. Not only have the few promising new shows been yanked, but many of the current favorites are getting worse for wear.

I have been surprised at how much I'm enjoying The L-Word. Maybe it's the lack of other good shows but it's been a real stand-out for me.

I think das is still held captive somewhere and is typing with his feet.

...or...something...

Nah, I better not go there.

das,

My dear friend Decker informs me that you're still wrong about "24"; but what the hell do I know, 24 is ignoring me entirely. Have faith, The Sopranos is coming very soon.

Best wishes,

March

Hehe, I think das's thread completes the trilogy of genre bashing threads. I started a sitcom bashing thread. Then somebody started a reality show bashing thread and now this is basically a drama bashing thread. Of course das is just talking about the last couple of months of dramas, so maybe not.

I did a post about this subject on another discussion site - that with Angel going, despite an 11% uptick in the ratings, the hope for genre shows is quite thin.

TV shows seem to need three things, from strongest to weakest, they are: low costs, high ratings and critical acclaim. Why, you ask? Well, low costs let networks show something besides bars & tone, and with the right advertising any show can get decent enough ratings to make the ad costs high. Positive ink about the show can save a show, but no amount of good press can save an expensive show from the axe if the catering budget alone equals the GDP of, say, Ghana.

Since genre shows - at least good ones; I'm not including Tremors - seem to cost more anyway, the ratings had better be astronomically high, and that's where the weakness comes in. When classic Star Trek was running, you had really three choices for viewing the tube - ABC, CBS and NBC. Now we've got all those choices we wanted: a whole slew of cable channels, VHS, DVD, PPV. Think of every place you rent videos from as a channel (Blockbuster, Hollywood, the local grocery store). That's a lot of choice, and a lot of dilution of the market. Genre shows, already the low-hanging fruit, become easily expendable unless they are cheap. And cheap genre shows attract cheap viewers.

The situation isn't helped by reality shows - they are eminently cheap to make, the actors are volunteers who usually sign all rights to residuals away just to get on the tube, and the right amount of titillation can bestir enough of the population to make the ad costs the right price. Add to this mix of twentysomething TV execs who think they know what people want ("sex and explosions!") and have the power to override the producer/creator on his decisions. These execs are the same ones who think the Clark and Lana going through the cycle of break up/sad eyes/get together/misunderstanding twenty times in a season is twice as entertaining as ten times in a season.

What happens is that most of the creative people in genre TV leave, and those who have found a way to keep a show on the air - Wolf, Bellasario, Bochco, etc. - rehash the same old thing, but torn out of today's headlines. Law & Order seems old because we read about the story in the paper a few months ago. Same with CSI. Same with JAG/NCIS. It's the same generic formula that used to be cast driven (e.g., Friends) and isn't anymore; all you gotta do is have a good sense of pacing and read the major papers in the morning. Ugh.

Most of the people I speak to - who aren't as entertainment-obsessed as yours truly cops to be - aren't that excited about the tube this year. If TV doesn't make me wanna watch it anymore, I see big trouble, and very soon.

Sorry for the post length, and didn't mean to steal your thunder, das, but as long as you're asking me for two cents…

And welcome back, BTW.

Wow, das, the new kid sure writes purdy.

You got back just in time, bud!