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Favorite tv show quotes?

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Favorite tv show quotes?

Old 06-16-03, 05:37 PM
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Favorite tv show quotes?

It seems like we have alot of seinfeld/simpsons quote threads and wanted to do one for all tv shows (you can do those if you want to)
"out there, is the 90's where you can talk about sex all you want, but in my house, its the 50's, so no sex talk!" Tony Soprano
"you f**king piece of *****." Carmella after learning that Tony took a woman out to lunch.

Last edited by Rypro 525; 06-16-03 at 06:57 PM.
Old 06-16-03, 06:55 PM
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"And so it begins ..."

"Shoe money tonight!!!"

"I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike, as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave, like this. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morden?"

"In every revolution, there is one man with a vision."
"I shall consider it."

"You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

"He knows, doctor ... he knows."

"If you value your lives, be somewhere else."

"You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite."

"Let's get the hell out of here."

"Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart. I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."

"I'm a terrible racist. I think all those people with the funny accents and weird skin color should go back to wherever they came from and leave this country to the people who rightfully stole it from the Indians ... which they deserved."

"Our mission is to seek out new life ... well, there it sits!"

"Yes, yes, Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life. Probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry."

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

"Then I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station and the nebula outside, that burn in the stars themselves. We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And as we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective."

"There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope. The death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revalation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that is always paved in pain."

"I haven't processed everything yet. My brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels. It's pretty much 'Fire bad. Tree pretty.'"
"There's a certain dramatic irony attached to all this. A synchronicity that borders on predestination, one might say."
"Fire bad. Tree pretty."

"We're all born as molecules in the hearts of a billion stars, molecules that do not understand politics, policies, and differences. In a billion years, we foolish molecules forgot who we are and where we came from. In desperate acts of ego, we gave ouselves names. We fight over lines on maps and pretend our light is better than everyone else's. The flame reminds us of the pieces of those stars that live inside us. A spark that tells us: you should know better. The flame also reminds us that life is precious, as each flame is unique. When it goes out, it's gone forever. And there will never be another quite like it. So many candles will go out tonight. I wonder some days if we can see anythiing at all."

"Yes! You will all be turned into vermin. And some of you will be fish! Yeah, you in the back will be fish!"

"I should have done this a long time ago. Well, five-card stud, nothing wild, and the sky's the limit..."

"Mom? Whad'ya doin'? Mom? ... Mom? ... Mommy?"


OK, I'm not leaving on that note ... one more ...

"Aw, the thing is, Jeremy's gone now, the cards are still hot, and I'm feeling like I might be just a little somewhere in the vicinity of the zone. And you know what that means?"
"Please don't say it."
"Shoe money tonight!!!"
Old 06-16-03, 06:58 PM
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can you say where the quotes are from?
Old 06-16-03, 07:13 PM
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"Hey, you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max."
"Well, that's what you are."
"What did you say?"
"You heard me. Now get out of my face."
"And what if I don't, punk?!"
"Then I'll just have to make you, PUNK."

This needs no context, or identification to truly appreciate. But it is, without a doubt, one of the most inspired moments of entertainment in the history of the television.
Old 06-16-03, 07:15 PM
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das, ya missed a couple:

"Less talk. More synthahol."


"I am NOT a merry man!"

You've included two of my faves: from Marcus and Ivanova.

Ivanova is always right...

Rypro, 6 of em are from B5, 3 from TOS. That should narrow it down.
Old 06-16-03, 07:25 PM
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• Quoth Rypro 525 •<HR SIZE=1>can you say where the quotes are from? <HR SIZE=1>

I guess, but if you don't know what they are, they won't have any meaning for you. I tried not to drop any spoilers with so much coming on DVD, so if you really want to know now:

Kosh - Babylon 5: Crysalis
Dana - SportsNight: Shoe Money Tonight
Vir - Babylon 5: In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum
Kirk & Spock - Star Trek: Mirror, Mirror
Marcus - Babylon 5: A Late Delivery from Avalon
Spock - Star Trek: City on the Edge of Forever
Delenn - Babylon 5: Severed Dreams
Sam - SportsNight: When Something Wicked This Way Comes
Kirk - Star Trek: City on the Edge of Forever
Ivanova - Babylon 5: Between the Darkness and the Light
Jeremy - SportsNight
Picard - Star Trek: The Next Generation: Measure of a Man
Zathras - Babylon 5: War Without End, Part I
Buffy/Dawn - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: The Gift/Once More, With Feeling
Delenn - Babylon 5: A Distant Star
G'Kar - Babylon 5: Z'ha'dum
Buffy & Giles - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: Graduation Day, Part II
Delenn - Babylon 5: And All My Dreams, Torn Assunder
Buffy - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: Gingerbread
Picard - Star Trek: The Next Generation: All Good Things ...
Buffy - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer: The Body
Dana & Isaac - SportsNight: Shoe Money Tonight

One more, not to be read by B5 newbies.

"It's over because we've decided it's over. Now get the hell out of our galaxy, both of you!"

And one I forgot: "Understanding is a three-edged sword."

Old 06-16-03, 07:32 PM
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Oh, and a trifecta I can't believe I forgot:

"You come at the King ... you best not miss."

"Omar don't scare."

"Spread the word, darlin' ... Omar's back."

Old 06-16-03, 08:14 PM
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Originally posted by LBPound
"Hey, you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max."
"Well, that's what you are."
"What did you say?"
"You heard me. Now get out of my face."
"And what if I don't, punk?!"
"Then I'll just have to make you, PUNK."
You post this, but failed to mention perhaps the one that can surpass it:

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so.... scared .

Last edited by TheMadMonk; 06-16-03 at 08:16 PM.
Old 06-16-03, 08:29 PM
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"Home is were the horror is."

"My life has been one long continuous year since I got married. No. One long continuous month. Helluary."

"I love it when a plan comes together."
Old 06-16-03, 08:39 PM
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"Don't get hit on the head, Joe."


P.S. at LBPound and TheMadMonk. Television will never see finer scenes.
Old 06-16-03, 09:27 PM
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Bite my shiny metal ass!
Old 06-16-03, 10:31 PM
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Lenny Briscoe and Adam Schiff from L&O alone can account for most of my favorite quotes from television.

The best of DA Adam Schiff:

+ "Want to try to turn the law around? Be my guest, just don't complain to me you're overworked."
+ "Well, I understand you've been promoted from assistant district attorney to supreme deity."
+ Adam: "Hmmm...smart."
Jack: "Lucky."
Adam: "Or innocent."

Blue Bamboo
+ "This defense! Like my grandmother's nightgown, it covers everything."

Family Values
+ "Don't bother inviting me to your disbarment party."

White Rabbit
+ "Five minutes of Bill Kunstler goes a long way. When you were learning to walk, he and I were on the same side of the courtroom, protecting protesters from the government."
+ "In those days, they wiretapped anyone who wore a paisley shirt."

+ Claire: "Now all we have to do is hope the jury understands the difference between motive and intent."
Adam: "Good luck. That's beyond most members of the bar."

+ "Munchausen, shmunchausen."
+ Jack: "If those were my children, I'd want that woman in prison."
Adam: "With a 15 percent chance she's innocent? I wouldn't tell that to the next Mrs. McCoy."
+ "If your crystal ball is that good, I'll tell the mayor we don't need police anymore."

+ "I'm beginning to think the defense case is rather convincing."

House Counsel
+ "Smart has nothing to do with honest."
+ Adam: "What is this, Bernie's Bargain Basement? Cop to four murders and get only five years?"
Jack: "When I made the deal, I had no idea..."
Adam: "You had no idea because your blood was rushing downstream to somewhere south of the border."

+ "You tell your detectives that the Bill of Rights isn't a doormat."

+ "Is there anyone in town who is not using this office for their own personal agenda?"

+ "Someone ought to give our detectives a crash course in fourth amendment search and seizure law!"
+ "Without motive, you couldn't convince a jury water's wet."
+ Jack: "If we can establish that we would have inevitably discovered the trade..."
Adam: "What psychic are you planning to call as your first witness?"
+ Jack: "This is about convicting one man of homicide."
Adam: "Man, don't you wish. I've got news for you: if enough people think it's about racism, it's about racism."
+ "No one's being condescending here, young lady."

+ "Points for what?!"
+ "[They] must have taken an oath of stupidity. Even the mob doesn't command such loyalty anymore."
+ Jack: "I think I can win."
Adam: "That's great. You get an A for self-esteem."
+ "So you've got something legal and inadmissible that you're trying to get in the back door twice. I like it."
+ Claire: "The Judge recommended that they serve two years."
Adam: "Wonderful--they'll be out in time for graduation."
+ "Oh, The Constitution--that pesky thing."
+ "Peer pressure isn't against the law."

+ "What are you going to do, put a test tube on the stand?"

+ Claire: "The school circled the limos to keep the Barclay name out of it."
Adam: "I'm shocked."
Jack: "This isn't stink bombs in the boys room, Adam! They hindered prosecution of an A felony!"
Adam: "Now I'm very shocked."

Act of God
+ "In the future, if we ever go to trial again, maybe we ought to know what we're doing."
Listen! (.wav format)

+ "Got no case? Come to us and we'll give you all the help you need!"

Bad Faith
+ "Even golfers retire."
+ Adam: "What have you been inhaling? You want to name the Catholic Church as a co-conspirator?"

Purple Heart
+ "This defense lawyer makes suspects out of your own witnesses! We're lucky this isn't on TV!"
+ Adam: "Well, at least there is one redeeming fact."
McCoy: "And what's that?"
Adam: "Saving the citizens a little money, losing two cases for the price of one."

+ Jack: "I got the feeling she was more confused than anything."
Adam: "With three personalities, who wouldn't be?"
+ "It's the father, it's the daughter, it's Bobby. You need a scorecard to keep track!"
+ "Now you're saying the father didn't do it. You ought to take this roller coaster to Coney Island."
+ "In other words, you have no idea who could have committed this crime."

+ "Very touching, a hustler in love."
+ Jack: "Gays are unstable. Gays are violent."
Adam: "Yeah, they're so emotionally fragile they just go off their pretty little heads."
+ "Don't worry about two out of five, worry about one out of twelve."

Season 6 (1 2 3 4 5 7 8 9 10 ?)

+ Adam: "Who's hearing the motion?"
Jack: "Judge Connors."
Adam: "Oh, good. I don't think she subscribes [to the biker magazine]."

+ "Although I'd like to pretend I'm Solomon, Miss Kincaid, I'm not. I’m just an elected official who hasn't slept the past three nights."

+ "You lost the dialing instructions for your phone?"
+ "The last new trick he learned was the Twist."
+ "You got around double jeopardy. You climbed Everest in your shorts. On a cold day."

+ "Where in your job description does it say you're supposed to be happy?"

+ Jack: "The Oprah-fication of America ended when the Menedez brothers weren’t convicted. The pendulum has swung, Adam. People don’t care about why anymore, they just care about what.”
Adam: "Just get this over with before the pendulum swings back."
+ "This is a murder trial, not a theodicacy seminar!"

+ "You have the victim and the confession, you want me to gift wrap it for you?"
+ "Muñoz just crawled halfway out of the hole we dug for him thirty years ago. You hit him on the head with a shovel before he crawls all the way out."
+ "We're legally, morally, and ethically required to keep this information from him, and that's exactly what we're going to do."
+ Jack: "Didn't you tell me you never make this job personal?"
Adam: "I lied...second time in thirty years."

Corpus Delicti
+ "You've been reading your law journal upside-down."
+ "Wonderful. Dear Diary--Killed Ruth Thomas today and threw her body into a cesspool. Do you think he's that stupid?"

+ "Everybody's calling, from the Times to the Enquirer. What do I say about Andrew Dillard? 'Oops?' "

+ Claire: "Have you read the file on Jenny Mays?"
Adam: "I'm sure I'm about to get a synopsis."
+ Claire: "Black and white adoptions are suddenly everyone's favorite whipping boy."
Adam: "Right along with this office."

+ "This guy again? He never heard of a divorce lawyer?"
+ "So now Dobson's poster boy for When Bad Things Happen To Bad People."

+ "Who the hell is running the police department, Anita Bryant?"

+ Adam: "Isn't your theory of the crime getting to be like theirs? They say he's an outraged boyfriend, you say he's an outraged would-be boyfriend."
Jack: "There's a world of difference between a jealous lover and some horny bastard who's mad he can't get to first base."
Adam: "Eloquent. Can't wait for your closing argument."
+ "Scannel is a major drug dealer. This Johnny Stivers works for him. Stivers doles out drugs to Sharon Lasko. Wild idea, but her death just might have something to do with drugs."

+ "Crack open the piggy bank, see what tumbles out."
+ "Where'd you do your graduate work, law school or West Point?"
+ Claire: "There is a school of thought that a woman owns her own body for the purposes of recreation and procreation. She also has the right to sell it."
Adam: "And where is this school located?"

Pro Se
+ "No comment? If you were trying to churn the waters, congratulations."
+ Jack: "Then why didn't he plead insanity?"
Adam: "Because he's insane?"

Season 7 (1 2 3 4 5 6 8 9 10 ?)

+ "Sisters killing sisters...haven't seen that one for a week or two."
+ "Make sure your air bags are working!"
+ "It has nothing to do with the fact that all this time you had no idea what you were talking about."

Good Girl
+ "Four days of deliberation, what are they doing, electing a pope?"

+ "You arrange the seance. Miss Ross will work out the plea bargain."

+ "I see. The FBI never makes mistakes. Ever heard of Ruby Ridge?"

+ Jack: "If I follow her orders about whom to prosecute."
Adam: "Good luck to her. I have enough trouble getting you to follow mine."
+ Jamie: "We can find out if there really were rats in that laundry room."
Adam: "You volunteering for the assignment?"

+ "Throw the book at him. When the grand jury throws it back, don't get hit in the head."
+ "And who has evidence of this conspiracy, Mack the Knife?"

+ "You'll hear it again, I promise you. The butler did it."

+ Adam: "Now this news I like."
Jack: "Shake her hand, Adam. I'm just an old-fashioned prosecutor--I try cases."
Adam: "Makes 'em look weak." [priceless expression]
Jack: "How things look to some general audience is not relevant in a courtroom."
Adam: "Oh, will you wake him up, Miss Ross? We're approaching the 21st Century. It matters, Jack. When are you going to get a new tie?"
+ Jack: "We're getting creamed."
Adam: "It's nice that you and the media have finally agreed on something."
+ Adam: "Started with a murder, ends with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off."
Jack : "It's Friday, Adam."
Adam: "So it is. See you Monday."

Mad Dog
+ "It's legally brilliant, bound to be a hit with the public, and you have no business doing it."
+ "By the way, how's that case going? He hasn't led his police escort to a secret stash of evidence? I'm shocked!"
+ "You can thumb your nose at a federal judge, but I won't let you drag the law through the sewer to catch a rat."

Double Down
+ "He confessed to a murder to avoid being prosecuted for a murder. I'm putting this one in my memoirs."

Past Imperfect
+ "Good choice! She'll convince the jury Christine Sandler took parenting lessons from Susan Smith."
+ "Nice going, you made her cry. That'll win you points in the jury room."
+ "Lawyers..."

+ Keener: "My people think it fits the requirements of the death penalty."
Adam: "If you turn the penal law into a bag of pretzels."
+ "If the governor wanted the statute to cover this crime, he should have thought of that when he wrote it."
+ "I don't like ultimatums."
+ "I'm doing criminal justice, I'm not doing politics."
+ "You do what you have to do. You're still welcome to my scotch."
+ Adam: “Mulroy only gives the governor virtually unfettered discretion to take over a case.”
Jack: “You’re gonna hang your hat on virtually?”
Adam: "He could have said absolutely."

Season 8 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10 ?)

+ Jack: "I want them both convicted."
Adam: "Of firing the same bullet? You familiar with the laws of physics?"

+ Jamie: "A dead baby and no one's responsible."
Adam: "No one was responsible when it was alive either."

Navy Blues
+ "And remember it is a murder trial, not a debate between Gloria Steinman and George Beck."

+ "If either conviction survives an appeal, I'll buy a new hat."
+ Jack: "He got arrogant."
Adam: "An occupational hazard of people with the power of life and death."
Jack: "Like doctors."
Adam: "And prosecutors."

+ "Back then, they used lynch mobs and bullwhips; now, they use toilet plungers. Progress."
+ "Why do you always give me bad news while I'm digesting?"

+ "Oh, I see, I'm an old fuddy-duddy."

+ "Don't get weepy on me. I'm not Nixon and you're not Ehrlichman."
+ "Couldn't you at least wait till I've finished dinner?"

Season 9 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 ?)

+ "For all you know, you don't know anything! Between Internal Affairs and you, the Red Sox couldn't have done a better job of botching it up!"

+ "When I'm in the dumps, I have a scotch and put on Louis Armstrong."
+ "You never learn, do you?"

+ "Very good. This is exactly the kind of thing we don't want to get into."
+ "See? This is just where we don't want to be going!"

+ "She planned a murder. Can't let her off with a fine."

+ "My neck is starting to hurt."

True North
+ "The death penalty may be statutory, it's not mandatory."

+ "He hopes the jury will be so distracted by your assault on the first amendment they'll forget to convict."
+ Jack: "If I thought we could stop hate with one prosecution or one law, I'd be a fool."
Adam: "Yeah, but you'd be my kind of fool."

+ Police Official: "What's the point?!?"
Adam: "Justice. I want to fight the subpoena. Bring body armor."

+ "This thing's a hand grenade with the pin pulled and Councilman Clayton's rolling it our way."

+ "Are we done? Our righteous indignation satisfied? We're not charing[?] these guys."

+ "Contempt of a federal grand jury. Good plan!"

+ "All right, split the difference. Prove that a saint can commit murder."

+ Abbie: "Who are the idiots who forgot to close the loophole?"
Adam: "Those idiots are my friends."
+ Jack: "We tried to handle the media, looks like the media handled us."
Adam: "Manhandled is more like it."

+ "You wound a rhinoceros, make sure you have a tree handy."

+ Adam: "You're using the authority of this office like a foot on the neck."
Jack: "We've done that before."
Adam: "You usually have one leg to stand on."

+ "I see, you're planning to violate three--no, five--amendments to the Constitution."

+ "Can we stop playing musical suspects?"

+ "Lift your own petard, my boy."

Loco Parentis
+ Jack: "Maybe you should try the case."
Adam: "Do I have to do all the work around here?"

+ "J. Edgar Hoover would be proud."

Trade This
+ "We end up performing our first hit for the mob."

Black, White, and Blue
+ "Last time an Albany jury convicted a cop, I had a full head of black hair."

+ Adam: "What is this, some kind of crazy cult?"
Abbie: "More like a self-actualization group."
Adam: "Self what?"

Surrender Dorothy
+ " 'Never argue with your husband. If he takes the wrong exit off the freeway, don't correct him.' Doesn't sound half bad."
+ "In other words, you're saying the M.E. doesn't know the difference between a strangulation and a hanging?"

High & Low
+ Adam: "See if I'm caught up. Got the business student, bigots, bar owner--"
Jack: "A banker and a bimbo."
Adam: "This is a John LeCarre novel."

Vaya Con Dios
+ "Stupid me. I was under the impression that our national interest was prosecuting people who murder our citizens."
+ "This is my favorite! 'Jury fries the Colonel.'"
+ "Murder is murder--wherever."

The best of Detective Lenny Briscoe:

Season Five
Second Opinion
(The M.E. has explained precautions needed to examine a woman who emitted "noxious fumes" in the ER)
Right. And that means dragging out the extra large role of red tape.

(Upon entering a comedy club, the comedian makes a joke about Briscoe and Logan's attire.)
Lucky for this guy the audience isn't armed.

Blue Bamboo **QLB**
(Upon finding a previously-hidden bullet hole on a victim
Great. I liked him better when he had a heart attack.

Family Values
(To Mike, who thinks a woman's presumed suicide could actually be a kidnapping)
There's no forced entry, the car's clean, and... unless you're getting psychic messages... no ransom demand.

White Rabbit
(Commenting on the FBI's efforts to stop anti-war activists, including Catholic priests and Dr. Spock, during the '60's)
Every once in a while they actually tangled with a criminal.

Forensic tech: See the blood stains here? That's type AB negative.
Lennie: Oh good! I got dibs on his liver.

M.E.: The baby was clean, well-fed, and wearing a new diaper. Everything Dr. Spock says you should do for a baby.
Lennie: Yeah. I guess I skipped the part about stuffing 'em in a cooler.

(Discussing the difficulty of prosecuting a rape case after the victim died in an unrelated automobile accident)
Claire: I'm not saying we drop this.
Lennie: No? What do we do? Get Madam LaSonga to throw a séance?

Coffee cart vendor (deciphering an order for "skinny cap, no lead."): Decaffeinated cappuccino, with skim milk.
Lennie: What's the point?

House Counsel
Mike (trying to refute a woman's excuse that she doesn't remember the last time she spoke to her ex-husband): You remember the last time you spoke to your ex, Lennie?
Lennie: July 17th, 1994, 2:35 p.m.

Social Security employee: Under the Social Security Act of 1972, addicts are entitled to $750 a month.
Lennie: Somebody actually thinks this is a good idea?

(Discussing the relationship of a divorced, middle-aged man and a young woman)
Mike: He shacks her up in this place and then he lies about it. I, for one, don't believe his 'Father Flannigan' act.
Lennie: I, for one, am jealous.

Lab technician: It's a photocopy from a machine with dirt on the drums...If you get me the machine and it hasn't been serviced, I can maybe do a positive I.D.
Lennie: Oh great. We'll organize a line-up of Xerox machines.

(A female stock broker explains that to succeed in the business you have to "pull down your Jockeys and take out the yardstick," then makes a pass at Mike.)
Lennie (to Mike): You got your yardstick handy?

Performance **QLB**
Mike: Looking for a date?
Lennie (reading from the personal ads): "Open-minded MBBF seeks mature man."
Mike: What's that? Male bisexual bondage freak?
Lennie: I'm more in the mood for a BLT.

Seed **QLB**
(To Van Buren, who asks how the husband of a shooting victim is)
He's a little shook up but he'll get over it when he realizes how much he's saving on attorney's fees. He was divorcing her.

Wannabe **QLB**
Lennie: Do you have a member named Harrigan.
Union rep (without hesitating): Harrigan? No.
Lennie: Maybe you'd like to check your files before you trip and hurt yourself.

Act of God **QLB**
Logan: You been studying explosives in your spare time?
Briscoe: What spare time? I had a case once back before you were born. A guy tried to bomb his wife. Wound up blowin' up the cat.

(To Jack, after Jack had to discredit him on the witness stand in order to discredit another witness)
That's okay; they pay me plenty to look like an idiot.

Privileged **QLB**
Divorce lawyer: Do you know haw many matrimonial attorneys were attacked last year?
Lennie: I know one who should've been.

Cruel and Unusual **QLB**
(Showing a photo of a teenager who died while in police custody)
Man: Doesn't look too good.
Lennie: Well, he wasn't feelin' too well when we took the picture.

Bad Faith **QLB**
(Mike wants to try out New York's death penalty on a pedophile)
Hey, ya' wanna' get even with Krolinski, put him the shower room at Ossining for 5 minutes.

Purple Heart **QLB**
Mike (looking at a jar found in a discarded jacket): Kinda looks like silly putty.
Lennie: Great. We look for a gigantic first grader.

Switch **QLB**
(Discussing with Mike the possibility that a psychiatrist's murderer might be one of her patients)
Yeah. But without the patient records we have no way of knowing which kernel was getting ready to pop.

My second wife always wanted a walk-in closet. Now I finally got one. Trouble is, I live in it.

Pride **QLB**
Male prostitute: You married, Lennie?
Lennie: On and off.

Return to the top of the page


Season Six

Bitter Fruit
(Describing his new partner, Reynaldo Curtis, to Lt. Van Buren)
I got ties older'n him. And some shoes, too, I think.

(NYU student is killed in a biker bar)
Rey: I guess he wanted to see how the other half lives.
Lennie: It doesn't live very long.

(Finding a broken bottle of booze next to a victim who's been shot six times)
I've always said drinking alone is under-rated.

Computer game developer: "Thrasher" is an action-thriller-music video-adventure experience.
Lennie: We get that ridin' the subway.

(Reviewing a videotape of a legal meeting)
Remind me to borrow this next time I can't sleep.

Hot Pursuit
Ya' know, Rey, if you ever get laid off, you might consider a career as an egg-timer.

(Lennie is coming out of an organic market) Rey: You get anything?
Lennie: Yeah. I finally found out what raddichio is.

Diggs (CSU technician): Can you imagine dying while reading Moby Dick?
Lennie: Yeah. It almost killed me once.

No matter how many brains a guy's got, they're still mostly centered somewhere south of the border.

I'm too young to get married...And I'm a grandfather.

Blood Libel
(Investigating the murder of an art/art history instructor)
Rey: An art teacher... Who'd she ever hurt?
Lennie: Yeah. An algebra teacher I can understand.

Suspect, who works in a meat plant: Today's my birthday. Half a century, I'm pushin' carcasses for a living.
Lennie: Yeah, I know just how you feel, Bobby. Half a century, and I'm still talking to scum like you.

Corpus Delicti
(A show horse died of suspicious causes while en route from Pennsylvania to Massachusetts)
New York really is a rough town for tourists.

Bartender: You know how many bars won't let you smoke cigars anymore?
Lennie: Yeah, not enough.
(Editor's Note: Unfortunately, this line was deleted for syndication.)

Twelve-year-old murder victim's friend: We wasn't doin' nothin'.
Lennie: Really? And where wasn't you doin' it?

Charm City (HOMICIDE Crossover, Part 1)
(Arresting a man who signed a hotel register as R(onald) Regan)
You're not goin' any place, Mr. President.

For God and Country (Crossover, part 2)
(Making a toast with the detectives from Baltimore)
Here's to wearin' a badge, carrying a high-powered side-arm, and... hopefully, being right more often than we're wrong.

(Upon learning of a social worker's computer-based scam)
Van Buren: Virtual foster kids...
Lennie: After virtual sex, it was only a matter of time.

(To Van Buren, after Rey leaps gracefully over a stone fence)
You want me to carry you or you wanna' carry me?

Prostitute (grabbing Rey by the arm): Now what do we get for bein' so nice?
Lennie: Freedom.

He's a drunk and she handles licenses to sell booze. It's a marriage made in heaven.

Female impersonator: I dress up for work, just like you do, detective.
Lennie: Yeah, only I don't have to tuck in so much.

Limo dispatcher, being questioned about one of his driver's clients: This was a model? Good lookin'?
Lennie: Right. Not one of those ugly models.

Kid's sellin' crack, Mom's turnin' tricks... This is one family Norman Rockwell never met.

Rey: So Lennie, what do you want to be buried in?
Lennie: My 25th century space suit--on one of the moons of Jupiter.
(Note: Another line deleted for syndication.)

Pro Se
(Trying to understand the behavior of a schizophrenic suspect)
His world and ours don't revolve around the same sun?

(Arresting the schizophrenic suspect, after chasing him through the library): Suspect: I can't feel my hands! I've lost my hands!
Lennie: Yeahyeahyeahyeah.

(Discussing the parents of a murdered infant):
Van Buren: He's 48, she's 27?
Lennie: My hero. Aftershock

(After beating a guy in pool whom Jack had previously beaten in darts)
Never mess with a civil servant, my friend.

Season Seven
Causa Mortis
ESU Lt: We have 6 unmatched pairs of shoes, a dozen panties, condoms by the bucketful.
Lennie: Sounds like the back of my first car.

Possible suspect (explaining the attractive women in & out of his office): I'm an accountant.
Lennie: Oh right. That's why so many beautiful women come to visit you. My accountant, Manny Loper, has to beat 'em off with a stick.

Good Girl
(Rey picks up an art book found at the crime scene where a young black man was found murdered.)
Rey: "Mayacinian Amphoria, 1400-1375 B.C."
Lennie: Yeah, I'm expecting my copy from the Book of the Month Club.

Lennie: You're the Contessa of Alto Peruggio?
Contessa (with a thick Southern drawl): Thah-at's rah-ight. "Alto" means "upper."
Lennie: I take it you're from the Southern part of the upper.

(Explaining why an anti-drug task force detective had asked for him by name)
Well, Flynn and I had worked together in the one-sixteen a few years back. I'm a very likable guy.

Double Blind
(Reviewing the crime scene)
Ok. So he rolls up the mess, Super-glue's the door lock to give himself a little lead time, he's out the window. Very neat. A shooter Martha Stewart would've loved.

Prostitute, being shown a picture of a man: I didn't (date him). But he's cute.
Lennie: You been at this too long, honey. He's dead.

(Rey and Van Buren start discussing computer video games by name and media)
Excuse me, young parents. My kid's idea of high technology was Barbie's convertible.

Family Business
(Lennie & Rey have found a suspect's alibi, that he was at an AIDS benefit, to be false.)
Paul Medici: I was with Kate at my showroom.
Lennie: Ah, the "Medici benefit."

(Paraphrasing a suspect's alibi)
"I couldn't commit the crime because I was busy committing another crime." That plays.

(Posing as a hit man, discussing cops)
They're underpaid. And, as a group, they're stupid.

(To Rey, who's trying to peer through a mail slot)
Hey! I know a guy in the eight-three, lost an eye doin' that.

Luxury car dealer (putting Lennie "behind the wheel"): How does it feel?
Lennie: Like I can't afford it.
Dealer: What would it take to get you into this car?
Lennie: Next week's Lotto numbers.

(To Rey)
If you were a married lawyer hangin' out with strippers, would you use your real name? (pause) Well, maybe you would.

Working Mom
Lennie: Is this still a hooker's stroll?
Patrolman: 24-hours a day. Could have something to do with Miss Johnson being out.
Lennie: Oh thanks. I might not've put that together.

Lennie: Burnum Woods. They make a nice golf club. Titanium.
CSU guy: I don't play.
Lennie: Yeah, well, if you did, you couldn't afford those.

D-Girl (Judgement in LA, Part 1)
Producer's assistant: Who told you she had breast implants?
Lennie: Oh, we're the police. We know everything.

Television news anchor (on TV): ...where New York City detectives...appear to be close to an arrest.
Lennie: We are? Oh, good!

Turnaround (Judgement in LA, Part 2)
Lennie (examining the murder weapon): So what is it?
M.E.: It's a barong, used by the Mauro tribe in the Philippines.
Lennie: I guess they have a local chapter.

Showtime (Judgement in LA, Part 3)
(Rebagging the barong, see above)
The property clerk's been dyin' to get this back. I think he makes his sandwiches with it.

Mad Dog
(After finding that a suspect's alibi checks out)
Well, he'll be relieved to hear he didn't do it.

Double Down
(At 2:00 AM, Jack McCoy gave Briscoe and Curtis 10 hours to find a kidnap victim before he makes a deal with a cop-killer. It's now 5:15 AM.)
Rey: You want to get taken in for illegal possession?
Perp's brother: What? In my own house? It's a misdemeanor.
Rey: Some kind of lawyer here, Lennie.
Lennie: Hey, why don't you take him outside. Show him how much we like lawyers tonight.

We Like Mike
Doughnut shop proprietor: My business is sellin' doughnuts.
Lennie: Thanks for clearing that up.

Lennie: You know, we come down on her & we're wrong, we could be breaking up one very snooty couple. I might actually ruin my sleep for minutes.

Past Imperfect
Rey: When did you see her last?
Drugged out musician: Not for a long time, man.
Lennie: Which for you coulda been about 5 minutes, right?

Murder suspect: First my father, then me. You think murder runs in our family?
Lennie: Well, so far, mooching from your mother seems to be genetic.

(Nabbing a perp after the girlfriend lured him to her apartment by telling him she was wearing "the red silk")
I would've worn my red silk, but it's in the wash.

Return to the beginning


Season Eight
(Describing a man who sells prosthetic devices and likes to go to the park after work.)
Well, there's Shuster. Spare parts salesman by day, drunk by night.

Gynecology...That's the business I should've gone into.

Navy Blues
Rey (reading an autopsy report): Healthy as a horse, except for one cracked rib... Recent.
Lennie (reading ballistics report): Yeah. And one bullet to the brain... More recent.

Rey (interpreting for a Spanish-speaking drunk witness): When he drinks, he doesn't see anything.
Lennie: Me, I saw two of everything.

Jewelry fence/witness: (They were) Dominicans.
Lennie: What? They were wearin' the national costume?

(Checking the body of a man shot in the face while trying to rob an armored truck)
All this body armor... They forgot the bullet-proof ski mask.

Baby, It's You (HOMICIDE Crossover, part 1)
(Viewing the naked body of a high-priced call girl in the morgue)
Rey: You ever pay for it, Lennie?
Lennie: I was married, wasn't I?

Fashion designer: Have you ever looked into the eyes of a supermodel?
Lennie: Not since my fling with Jean Shrimpton.

Baby, It's You (Part 2)
Baltimore detective Paul Falsone: We bag this Janaway guy & these humps get to take him back north?
Lennie: Hey, hey! Us humps have a jurisdiction claim, same as you.

Van Buren: He's 57, Lennie. How would you like to do diaper duty again?
Lennie: Yeah. If that happened to me, I'd jump off the roof.

Felon who skipped bail, being arrested: I was gonna' come in!
Lennie: Yeah, we'll save you the token.

(Rey finds a match book from a nice London hotel in with some arson evidence)
Yeah, my first wife wanted to stay there one night. I figured out we could afford one hour.

Bellhop: This Egyptian guy, he some kind of terrorist?
Lennie: Shhh. He's a professional surfer.

Under the Influence
(Lennie & Rey are sorting through sympathy letters to a woman whose husband & son were killed)
Lennie: A check for $67—and a marriage proposal. Hmm. He even sent his picture. (Shows it to Rey)
Rey: Guy must be dreamin'.
Lennie: Aw, give him credit for keeping his clothes on.

Van Buren: Worley... Didn't he crush his girlfriend against a wall with a car?
Rey: Yeah, a '54 Studebaker. Mayer was the hired gun to convince a jury Worley's a mental defect.
Lennie: I'm convinced. Guy purposely messed up a vintage automobile.

(The detectives find a possible suspect hiding in his closet clutching a golf club)
You got a permit for that putter?

(Knocking on a door covered with Do Not Disturb signs)
I think we already wore out our welcome.

Faccia a Faccia
(Commenting on a beaten-up murder victim who'd had a lot of plastic surgery)
Guy spends all that dough, winds up lookin' like hamburger.

Divorce lawyer, explaining the mental incompetence of his client's wife: She has to be medicated. She even took a swing at me a year ago during a deposition.
Lennie: I can't imagine why.

(Referring to Jack McCoy, who has just chastised the detectives for a sloppy interrogation)
C'mon Rey, if she had "given it up," he'd throw his shoulder out tryin' to pat himself on the back.

Lawyer: Last I heard, bad taste isn't a crime.
Lennie: If it was, Louie here would be in for life.

Coffee house guy: Cappucino on the house, detective?
Lennie: Maybe for the kid here. (Nods to Rey.) I'll have a regular coffee.
Guy: How'd you like that?
Lennie: Eh... regular.

(To a man explaining how he knew the exact time a woman left him after they made love.)
She checked her watch, huh? Guess you couldn't've been all that good.

Bad Girl
(Looking for a guy who illegally remixes music tapes)
Lennie (to stage hand): D.J. Freakie?
Stage hand: Over there.
Lennie: Him? (To identified guy) Mr. Freakie...

Nightclub D.J.: Come back tonight. I spin a rave here. Monica usually gets greased in.
Lennie (to Rey): I take it you got all that?

Rey: Someone must've lowered the standards for high school Cassanovas.
Lennie: Maybe they talk a good game. You know the way to a woman's heart is through her ear.

Van Buren: Assuming Warren Abbot is that stupid.
Jamie: Or that angry.
Lennie (reading a report): Whoa. Check the box next to stupid.

(Lennie & Rey are on the street)
Drug lookout: I can't be talkin' to you.
Lennie (grabbing him by the shirt & shoving him against the wall): Hey Calvin, come into my office.

Return to the beginning


Season Nine
Psychologist Emil Skoda: You saw him. He can't connect the dots. He doesn't grasp that other people exist apart from his needs.
Lennie: Sounds like half the people I know.

(Discussing a dead man's watch found at the crime scene)
Two thirty-six. It stopped tickin' when he took a lickin'.

However, the best line from this episode goes to Lt. Anita Van Buren.
African-American witness unwilling to come forward: I don't want no trouble with The Man.
Van Buren: Oh, you don't have to worry, Mr. Davis. In this house, I'm The Man.

(The detectives are discussing the plausibility of a victim's statement)
Van Buren: So his story has chinks.
Rey: Well, his car is missing, and he was shot.
Lennie: By the "all-purpose" two black guys with a gun.

(Rey & Lennie take a man who make "junk art" to the alley where he found his wares)
Junk man: Who's gonna keep an eye on my sculptures?
Lennie: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

(Later, by the trash cans)Junk man: You can't believe what people throw away.
Lennie: Or pick up.

High-priced call girl: I'm a massage specialist.
Lennie: What part of the body do you, ah, specialize in?

(Lennie & Rey are discussing the ethics of a fertility clinic.)
Rey: These place don't even need licenses, Lennie. Barber shops need licenses.
Lennie: Oh yeah, get the government involved. That'll really make it better.

Lennie: Did you work with him a week ago Thursday night?
Motor cycle mechanic: That was a long time ago.
Lennie: Yeah, same vintage as your prison record, huh?

(Standing at the scene where Gerald Fox, a NYC newpaper reporter, has been shot)
Lennie: Now I know why I stopped reading Fox's column.
Rey: Why's that?
Lennie: Local news depresses me.

Tabula Rasa
(Investigating a man whose past doesn't go beyond 1985)
Van Buren: If he's not Fallon, who the hell is he?
Lennie: Well, the FBI says he's not in the Witness Protection Program. But they might've had their fingers crossed.

(When told of the real reason behind a fund-raising event for an under-privileged kids organization)
Oh yeah, the new Spector Stadium. The one that's gonna displace ten thousand under-privileged kids.

Witness, who's overtly flirting with Rey: Is "detective" your first name?
Rey (pauses & grins): Rey.
Lennie: Yeah. You can call me Lennie—as long as we're getting to know each other.

Lennie: I took about 5 minutes of calculus my freshman year. Then I dropped the class.
Grad student: Too analytical?
Lennie: Too early—8 a.m.

Last edited by Red Dog; 06-16-03 at 11:00 PM.
Old 06-16-03, 10:45 PM
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Without using Google or IMDB to find the good ones (or to verify the ones I do remember, so sorry if I goof them up) here's a few that I can rattle off the top of my head:

"She's dead. Wrapped in plastic." -Twin Peaks, Pilot

"Mrs. Peel. We're needed." - Steed, found in the opening of most of the Diana Rigg episodes of The Avengers

"Not gonna happen, my friend." - Paul, repeated a number of times in the second season of Mad About You

"What's that do?" - The Judge, Buffy

"I don't want to be known as the 'up the butt' girl." Charlotte(?), Sex and the City

"The next person that asks "Have we got a video?" I'm gonna smash their head through the kitchen window!"
"Oh, have we got a video?" - Vyvyan and Neil, The Young Ones

"Bunnies aren't cute, like everyone supposes. They've got beady eyes and twichy little noses. And what's with all those carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies! Bunnies! It much be bunnies!" - Anya, Buffy
Old 06-17-03, 12:12 AM
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Buffy Quotes

*Tabula Rasa, when everyone forgets who they are. Spike and Giles find out they're both English*

Giles: "You think we're brothers?"
Spike: *snarls* "Father. Oh God how I must hate you."

*Spike, when he thinks his name is Randy Giles*

Spike: "Randy Giles? Why not just name me Horny Giles? Or in Desperate Need Of A Shag Giles?"

Giles: "Randy's...a family name."

Spike: "I knew I hated you for a reason."

*Talking about Adam*

Giles: "You never train with me anymore. he's gonna kick your ass."

Buffy: "Are you drunk?"

Giles: Quite a bit actually."


Xander: "There's a party in my eye socket and everyone's invited."

Buffy: " I can beat up the demons until the cows come home... and then I can beat up the cows."

Spike: "Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty. Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil. Let's kill something. Oh, come on!"

Buffybot:" Anya! How is your money?"
Anya: *big smile* "Fine, thank you for asking!"

--that last one is way funnier then it looks if you know Anya's character well.

Then of course the Xander quote in my sig.

I could quote Buffy all night if I wasn't so tired.
Old 06-17-03, 01:43 AM
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Just a few from the great WKRP.

Less Nessmans dream about Mr. Carlson, song.
"Oh, I'm a big fat muffin that loves to eat. A big fat muffin that has no feet. But most of all, I'm a big fat muffin that loves to explode.... And then you did."

When the Japanese tourists are pointing at the "Godless Tornados" out of the window.
"They must have spotted a photo mat."

"I like to think a man's name says a lot about the kind of person he is. My name is Steel, What's yours?
Less. Less Nessman."

And of course

"As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
Old 06-17-03, 02:08 AM
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"Step up to Red Alert"
"Sir are you sure? It would mean changing the bulb."

"'One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the world's your gynaecologist"

"This is the wettest I've ever been"
"You know, I've always wanted to hear someone say that, but not you"

"He hired a prostitute to clean his wound"
"Clean his wound?......that is the worst euphemism for sex I have ever heard"

"What are you, nuts? Are you just some...nutty nut girl who is nuts?"

All non Simpsons quotes I can think of...
Old 06-17-03, 02:50 AM
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Originally posted by das Monkey
"Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart. I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."
As well as that reads, you just have to see it to really appreciate it. To see those beautiful blue eyes of her's so cold and steely. Classic.

Some Theodore Sturgeon classics:

"Miss Chappel...I had the strangest dream. You were trying to tell me something, but I couldn't hear you."

"I see no logic in preferring Stonn over me..."

"Stonn, she is yours. You may find, that after a time, having...is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It's illogical, but it's often true."

"I shall do neither. I have killed my Captain. And my friend."

Some latter day cold chills words.

"Mr. Worf...fire."

Dukat: "I thought you were a realist, Commander. Instead, you wallow in sentimentality. You disappoint me."
Sisko: "Don't expect me to lose any sleep over it."

And just for yuks...

"You were working for her, she was working for them...was anybody on that ship working for me?"

"Oh, it's you. Black Belt Barbie."
Old 06-17-03, 03:11 AM
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One of my favorite Buffy quotes:
"I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy...at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was alright....I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form, but I was still me, you know. And I was warm and I was loved and I was finished....complete. I don't understand theology, dimensions, any of it really, but I think I was in Heaven, but now I'm not. I was torn out of there, pulled out by my friends.
Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch, this is hell. Just getting through the next moment and the one after that, knowing what I've lost..."
Old 06-17-03, 03:35 AM
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das got one that comes to mind right away for me,

"Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart. I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me."

Classic stuff.

But my favorite was,

"I'm sorry, we thought you were dead." - "I was. I'm better now."

Best line ever.
Old 06-17-03, 07:24 AM
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"I've eaten so much fish I`m ready to grow gills!. I've eaten so much liver I can`t make love unless I`m mothered smothered in bacon and onions..

All In The Family:

"Harry Belafonte ain't black. He's just a good looking white guy dipped in Carmel.

Old 06-17-03, 09:35 AM
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Another great Buffy line:

“I’m tired of being everybody’s butt monkey.”

An obscure one, from Soap:
During the trial, Chief of Police Tinkler asks the judge if he has time to go to the bathroom, and is told
“Don’t take anything to read.”
Old 06-17-03, 11:09 AM
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Joe Hackett: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?!
Brian Hackett: You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett: I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.

Lowell: I remember the first time I cried. My folks took me downtown to see ordinary people.
Roy: Yeah, that was a sad movie.
Lowell: What movie?

Old 06-17-03, 12:38 PM
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"Diane, I have in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies."
Old 06-17-03, 12:46 PM
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"Bored now."

"In the future, if you're wondering ... 'Crime, boy I don't know' is when I decided to kick your ass."

Old 06-17-03, 01:03 PM
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Originally posted by das Monkey
"Bored now."
Which of course, leads itself to:

"Bored, Episode 1 bored"

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