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34 Still at home. Failure?

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34 Still at home. Failure?

Old 05-07-12, 11:22 AM
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34 Still at home. Failure?

I will be turning 34 years old shortly and I am horribly depressed by the idea I will be living at home with my parents.

Last August I quit my job and moved across the country back to my hometown. I'd been away for about 10 years. My parents, excited to have me around again, insisted I come stay with them for "a couple of months". I agreed even though the living situation wasn't optimal. My brother (whom I'm essentially estranged from) also lives there with his girlfriend and her son.

Not too long after I arrive, my sister moves in with her two children.

The house is full but I manage. Slowly the months start to tick by, and I realize I'm going on my tenth month living here.

Everytime I started making plans to move out my mother would get really upset and make me feel terribly guilty. Apparantly she dosen't want me moving out. Seems to me she's happy with all her children living here well into their adulthood. I'm starting to feel like I've stayed too long because now I'm feeling afraid of the idea of moving out on my own.

In the meanwhile, I really don't have any kind of a life anymore. Obviously there is now girl in my life. I don't have an outside social life. And I feel horribly depressed that at my age I don't seem to be able to take care of myself.

I sometimes wonder if I should go see a psychiatrist, as I don't feel like this situation is normal.
Old 05-07-12, 11:27 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Yes.
Old 05-07-12, 11:30 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

I SORTA felt like that, but I was 25 years old. I graduated from college at 22 and then lived at home until I was 25. I felt like that was way too long too. My buddy and I decided to get an apartment together and when I told my parents, initially they were upset because I think, like you, they really liked the idea of me living with them. They got over it very quickly though.

Of course, I just moved to an apartment in the same city as they live and still live in the same city today, but I have a house. I still see my parents fairly regularly. It's actually nice because my mom will gladly take care of my dog for pretty much any amount of time if I'm going to be gone for the whole day or out of town or whatever.

My advice is to just suck it up and find a place of your own. Your mom will get over it. If you want to keep her somewhat close to you, just find a place somewhat close by...like within 15 or 20 miles. That way you could still go visit, but also have a life of your own. Just my opinion, but you shouldn't be living at home at 34 if you can help it.
Old 05-07-12, 11:31 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Short answer ... Yes.

Longer answer... Yes, move out. Yes, see a professional. Yes, your mother may guilt you, but what you are going through is damaging and even if she doesn't understand, you need to do what is healthy for you. You can try to minimize the impact, maybe move nearby.

One thing you said though worried me above all else ... Having a girl doesn't mean happiness,and not having one doesn't mean sadness. Get yourself right, and the relationship will follow, not the other way around.

Good luck...
Old 05-07-12, 11:31 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Nothing wrong with moving in for a few months while you figure out the exit plan, but that needs to be your top priority. In my opinion.

Mom will never want you to leave. She's mom. You need to make it clear that you need your independence now. She'll still be a part of your life. This obviously isn't healthy for you.
Old 05-07-12, 11:35 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Is your name Robert? Have a brother named Ray?
Old 05-07-12, 11:42 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

10 months in a tough economy is nothing, at least you have a place to go. Get over it.

You just have to properly take advantage of the time you have. When you do get back on your feet, just find a job out of town, makes the move out bit that much easier.
Old 05-07-12, 11:42 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Just fucking move out. People make things way too complicated.

Why'd you quit your job to begin with?

And why not make amends with the brother? You will be very thankful if you keep your family together emotionally later in life.
Old 05-07-12, 11:43 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

So there's 9 people in the house now? Yeah, get the hell outta there. Even in a mansion, I would go bat-shit crazy if I had to live with that many relatives. How's your job situation now?
Old 05-07-12, 11:46 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Originally Posted by whoopdido View Post
If you want to keep her somewhat close to you, just find a place somewhat close by...like within 15 or 20 miles. That way you could still go visit, but also have a life of your own. Just my opinion, but you shouldn't be living at home at 34 if you can help it.
Staying close by is not top priority. At the moment I'm angling for an invite to come visit a friend in Germany or London. Getting out of the country is feeling more and more appealing to me all the time. However, I know that is only a delaying tactic and I'll have this same problem when I come back.

Originally Posted by BradJ
One thing you said though worried me above all else ... Having a girl doesn't mean happiness,and not having one doesn't mean sadness. Get yourself right, and the relationship will follow, not the other way around.
Don't worry. That isn't my thinking that having a partner would make things better. What I meant was my current situation prevents me the oppertunity of even meeting someone, or worse, meeting that someone special but having them slip away because.... well look at me.

Originally Posted by Thor Simpson
Nothing wrong with moving in for a few months while you figure out the exit plan, but that needs to be your top priority. In my opinion
yes, I do need to make this my top priority, yet I get all depressed and anxious when I start looking through apartment ads. I mean, I've lived on my own since I was 18, but now I've lost confidence in myself and I'm worried I'll fuck up somehow and wind back here.

Originally Posted by rw2516
Is your name Robert? Have a brother named Ray?
No. Real people or a joke I don't get?
Old 05-07-12, 11:47 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Originally Posted by RichC2 View Post
10 months in a tough economy is nothing, at least you have a place to go. Get over it.

You just have to properly take advantage of the time you have. When you do get back on your feet, just find a job out of town, makes the move out bit that much easier.
I have a job.
Old 05-07-12, 11:50 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

I wouldn't say you're a failure. Sometimes shit happens. But if you're depressed in the situation, definitely move out. If you feel you need to see someone, maybe you should. Good luck.
Old 05-07-12, 11:50 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Why did you decide to quit your job and move home in your early thirties in a down economy? Not judging, just curious.

I'm in my mid twenties and work with people who still live with their parents. On the one hand I envy them because they have NO expenses and are straight banking tons of money. On the other hand, I can't imagine not living on my own and not having my own space and my own time. And I know that having to support myself is a better experience than using mom and dad as a crutch.

Still, it sucks watching them accumulate thousands of dollars while you piss away the same on rent every month. I fear they will one day soon be homeowners as a result while I still won't have enough saved.

Anyway, they tell me that their parents like having them home as well, like the OP. This came as kind of a shock to me because my parents have always indicated they are glad I am on my own and would be sad for me if I lived with them. I think it is very odd that a mother would actively encourage their single 35 year old son to stay living at home. Although it sounds like they already have grandkids under the roof.

I guess my point is figure out what you want. There's no shame in living at home, but living on your own doesn't sound like it would be a problem for you either. So why worry?
Old 05-07-12, 11:51 AM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Originally Posted by CRM114 View Post
Just fucking move out. People make things way too complicated.

Why'd you quit your job to begin with?

And why not make amends with the brother? You will be very thankful if you keep your family together emotionally later in life.
The job was stressing me out to the point I was making myself sick. I was terribly depressed and abusing my body. I think I might actually have died if I stayed in that situation.

My brother has a lengthy, troubled past and has retarded himself. He is nearly forty yet has the impulses, interests and maturity of a 16 year old. He has never moved out before. The most terrible thing I can think of is turning into another him.
Old 05-07-12, 12:02 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Sounds like you have a real fusion mommy problem. She needs to let her chicks get out and scratch for themselves.

A failure? No. Hell, there was a letter in Dear Abby a couple days ago from a woman who said she was tired of people criticizing her grown son for moving back in with her. She said she feels safer with him at home and her house is paid off. In a case like that, I would have no criticism even though I have not lived with my parents since I was nineteen years old (almost 46 now).

It's when parents bitch about their kids "failing to launch" that I have criticisms. Too many people now make their kids' lives way too cozy and then wonder why Junior doesn't have the same yen they did for an apartment of his own, even if it's over a bowling alley.

Your case sounds like your parents actually WANT their kids living at home even though they're grown, which makes me sad. Don't they have a marriage left to occupy their attention? They must have forgotten about it somewhere while they were raising their kids.

Getting past all that, it doesn't sound like YOU are happy, so I would try to get out of there and do your own thing. It's fine to land at home and regroup, but eventually you've got to fly away again, especially if you aren't happy there.

Good luck!
Old 05-07-12, 12:05 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Gtfo
Old 05-07-12, 12:15 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Not a failure. You post on DVDTalk after all............
Old 05-07-12, 12:16 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Holy fuck....does your job pay enough for you to get a place? Maybe with a roomie? I think it is safe to say that your brother is a loser for still living at home. But take heart, he is dating someone who is a bigger loser than he because she is willing to live with her 40 year old boyfriend's parents.

But you? Sounds like you have options but are letting the crawfish keep you in the bucket. Just get the fuck out and live a good life, man.
Old 05-07-12, 12:19 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

You're not a failure. You're just a failure in progress. It sounds like you realize you need to turn this around or that's where you'll end up. Don't fear getting out. Take the steps you need to and get out. But it does sound like you could benefit from some form of counseling given what you said about your depression and response to your job.
Old 05-07-12, 12:30 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Originally Posted by Vibiana View Post
It's when parents bitch about their kids "failing to launch" that I have criticisms. Too many people now make their kids' lives way too cozy and then wonder why Junior doesn't have the same yen they did for an apartment of his own, even if it's over a bowling alley.

I've told my kids that after they finish college, if they can't afford their own apartment they can live at home, but that they will live by the same rules they always have under our roof - curfew, home at dinnertime, no overnight guests, no girls in their bedrooms, etc. I doubt any of them will stay home for long.
Old 05-07-12, 12:32 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Sadly, I have two daughters so I'll probably let them stay with us for as long as they want.
Old 05-07-12, 12:32 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Based on what you've written, here's my assessment:

1. You're not a failure. You just have some issues to work through.
2. Your parents (and especially your mother) are a primary reason for these issues. This is not uncommon. The fact that your other adult siblings are also living at home says something.
3. You should see a professional counselor immediately to start working through these issues. Going to a counselor does not mean you're failure or a screw-up. Frankly I think the vast majority of adults would benefit from some professional counseling.
Old 05-07-12, 12:35 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Originally Posted by CRM114 View Post
Just fucking move out. People make things way too complicated.
Agree with this...I was always the type that waited for the perfect set of circumstances to make a big life decision, but obviously that really never happens in the real world. I've been much happier once I stopped agonizing over the details of everything in my life before making decisions. Be logical, just not irrationally so.

You really have to take the, "what's the worst that could happen?" approach. And it sounds like in your case, that would be moving somewhere and discovering quickly you despise it (wasting some money in the process...big deal), then moving back with your parents. But you'll never know unless you JUST DO IT.
Old 05-07-12, 12:36 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

Move out. See a psychiatrist.
Old 05-07-12, 12:43 PM
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Re: 34 Still at home. Failure?

More like 34, still at home, AND asking advice on DVDTalk. That's failure!

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