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Time for a dirty joke thread

Old 04-25-08, 12:09 PM
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Time for a dirty joke thread

Heard a good one yesterday from my redneck friends.

What's the difference between a rodeo queen and a can of copenhagen?

You can only get three fingers in a can of copenhagen.




Okay, you go.
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Old 04-25-08, 12:20 PM
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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Old 04-25-08, 12:20 PM
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Since we are going blue in this thread...

There is a young woman who, instead of disposing her tampons normally, throws them into her closet. One day, she is entertaining her lover when she hears the front door open. She quickly hides him in the closet and locks the door. It's her husband surprising her with two tickets for a weekend in Hawaii. On Monday, she waits till her husband has gone off to work and finally opens the closet door, expecting the worse. But he is in fine shape and says cheerfully, "Hell, if it weren't for all those jelly doughnuts you had in there, I never would have made it!"
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Old 04-25-08, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by TomOpus
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

ok, that one made me lol.
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Old 04-25-08, 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by wishbon3
Since we are going blue in this thread...

There is a young woman who, instead of disposing her tampons normally, throws them into her closet. One day, she is entertaining her lover when she hears the front door open. She quickly hides him in the closet and locks the door. It's her husband surprising her with two tickets for a weekend in Hawaii. On Monday, she waits till her husband has gone off to work and finally opens the closet door, expecting the worse. But he is in fine shape and says cheerfully, "Hell, if it weren't for all those jelly doughnuts you had in there, I never would have made it!"
Thats is just nasty.
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Old 04-25-08, 02:51 PM
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Two bums are walking down the train tracks and bum #1 says "Hey that's the spot where I found this beautiful woman tied to the tracks." "Really"? Says Bum #2. "Yeah" Bum #1 replies "I untied her and we made love for 6 hours." Bum #2 says, "Did you get her to suck your dick?" Bum #1 says "No, I never did find her head."
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Old 04-25-08, 03:01 PM
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To make up for the previous joke...

A woman brings her lover home and they go into the bedroom. The lover notices that the woman's husband is asleep on one side of the bed, nude and laying flat on his stomach. The lover wants to leave but the woman insists that her husband is a sound sleeper and that he will not wake up. To prove her point she reaches over and pulls a hair out of his ass. To the lover's surprise the husband is still asleep.

The lover and the woman make love with the husband asleep next to them. A short time after they finished the woman wants to make love again. The lover is nervous but the woman reaches over and pulls another hair out of her husband's ass. He does not wake up. The lover and the woman make love a few more times like this with the husband sleeping next to them. Finally the lover reaches over to pull a hair from the husband's ass himself prior to the love-making when he hears the husband clear his throat.

"You know... I don't mind you making love to my wife... but I wish you would stop using my ass as a scorecard!"

Last edited by wishbone; 04-25-08 at 03:04 PM.
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Old 04-25-08, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Mopower
Two bums are walking down the train tracks and bum #1 says "Hey that's the spot where I found this beautiful woman tied to the tracks." "Really"? Says Bum #2. "Yeah" Bum #1 replies "I untied her and we made love for 6 hours." Bum #2 says, "Did you get her to suck your dick?" Bum #1 says "No, I never did find her head."

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Old 04-25-08, 03:24 PM
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How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

Spoiler:
when she can fit into your wifes clothes!
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Old 04-25-08, 03:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Save Ferris
How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

Spoiler:
when she can fit into your wifes clothes!
You deseve to be beaten for this one, Ferris and I don't mean in the fun way.
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Old 04-25-08, 03:52 PM
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WHAT?! Im not even married

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Old 04-25-08, 03:56 PM
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What's the difference between a friend, a lover, and a show-off?

Spoiler:
Spitting, swallowing, & gargling
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Old 04-30-08, 12:16 PM
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Thread is reopened. Forum rules still apply (e.g. no racist jokes).
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Old 04-30-08, 12:19 PM
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w00t! Thank you!
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Old 04-30-08, 12:20 PM
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Now I have to find that dirty joke book...
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Old 04-30-08, 12:23 PM
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?




You can't jelly a cock up your ass.
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Old 04-30-08, 12:26 PM
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the revolt or threat of it worked!

Last edited by BuddhaWake; 04-30-08 at 12:46 PM.
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Old 04-30-08, 12:27 PM
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Who makes more money: the drug dealer or the hooker?


The hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Old 04-30-08, 12:40 PM
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So there's a guy who goes for a jog on a deserted stretch of beach every morning. One day, he makes it a little further than normal and comes upon a shack with a woman laying in the sand next to it. As he gets closer, the guy sees that she doesn't have any arms or legs. He starts to turnaround and head back, but she calls out to him and so he hesitantly approaches her, only to find she's hideously ugly as well.

"Oh sir, I've been out here for so long without seeing a single person," she says. "My nephew brings me food, but finds me so disgusting that he just leaves it outside my shack when I'm asleep. I long for human contact. Could you please find it in yourself to give me a hug?"

The guy figures that she probably has a pretty terrible life, so he leans over and gives her a hug. She thanks him profusely as he jogs off. A couple weeks later, his jog again takes him far enough down the beach for the lady to be in earshot. At the top of her lungs, she pleads for him to come visit her, so he heads on down to her shack.

"Oh sir, since the last time we met, I've thought of nothing else but the hug we shared," she says. "Could you ever find it in your heart to kiss such a pathetic creature as myself?"

After a couple seconds of thought, the guy leans over and kisses her on the lips, closing his eyes and making sure not to take a breath once his face is within a foot of hers. As he jogs off, her thanks follow him down the beach.

A month passes and the guy's jog once again brings him to the lady's stretch of beach. She calls out and he heads over, terrified of what she's going to ask for this time.

"Oh sir, your kiss awakened feelings that I didn't even know I was capable of," she says. "I so long to feel what it's like to have a man inside me before I die. Please, I want to have sex worse than anything else in the world. Will you do this for me?"

The guy takes a deep breath, leans over, picks the woman up and throws her out into the ocean.

"What're you doing?!" she yells over the waves. "I just said I wanted to have sex!"

"Well," the guy yells back, "I'm pretty sure you're fucked now."
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Old 04-30-08, 02:16 PM
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What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

Spoiler:
no one eats parsley.....
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Old 04-30-08, 02:42 PM
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Who is the best secretary in the world to have?
Spoiler:
The one that never misses a period.
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Old 04-30-08, 02:53 PM
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3 friends golf every Friday. One day they get paired with a beautiful beautiful woman.

On the 18th hole the woman is on the green waiting to putt. She turns to the group of men and says "If I sink this putt I will shoot under par for the first time ever. Whoever helps me will be awarded with a night of crazy wild sex."

The first guy says "aim it left a foot outside the hole"
The second guy says "No, no, it is definitely a little right of the hole"

Everyone looks at the third guy. He walks behind the ball, looks at the hole, and finally says "Thats a gimme" and picks up the ball.
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Old 04-30-08, 02:57 PM
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A mother and her little boy are walking through the park when the little boy sees two dogs screwing.

The little boy says, "Mom, look at those dogs!"

The mother, seeing the dogs and not wanting to explain to her son what the dogs are really doing replies, "Yes dear, they're making a cake."

The little boy says, "I know, I saw you and dad making a cake last night, and I ate the frosting off of the couch."
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Old 04-30-08, 02:59 PM
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overheard at a family function -

How do hillbillys celebrate Halloween?

Spoiler:
pumpkin


The joke-teller was a six year old.
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Old 04-30-08, 03:11 PM
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Originally Posted by SoSpacey
3 friends golf every Friday. One day they get paired with a beautiful beautiful woman.

On the 18th hole the woman is on the green waiting to putt. She turns to the group of men and says "If I sink this putt I will shoot under par for the first time ever. Whoever helps me will be awarded with a night of crazy wild sex."

The first guy says "aim it left a foot outside the hole"
The second guy says "No, no, it is definitely a little right of the hole"

Everyone looks at the third guy. He walks behind the ball, looks at the hole, and finally says "Thats a gimme" and picks up the ball.
Sorry, I don't get it.

"Obviously, you're not a golfer."
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