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Confidence Vs. Looks

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Confidence Vs. Looks

Old 06-21-06, 12:39 AM
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Confidence Vs. Looks

Here is the scenario: I have never been the type of guy to go up to ask the opposite sex out, mainly because of two reasons, the low self-esteem, and weight (I am a big guy). As of late, I am trying to improve myself, and trying to get out there, but I do have a bit of the way to go physically before I feel comfortable enough to get out there.

No my friends say that I have made a great amount of progress (losing 25 lbs. As of late), and all I need is confidence, but I believe, still being overweight, and living in So. California, (a.k.a. Plastic Surgery-ville) I think that looks is important in this o-so shallow world, but my friends say I have enough personality, and greatness behind me, and all I need is the confidence, and I’ll be set.

So I want the honest opinions of the Otters, because I know you guys can give it to me straight. Is it all confidence? All looks? 50/50? What do you think?
Old 06-21-06, 12:48 AM
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I think there is a threshold for looks. From what my female friends have told me...it is a 'he is good looking enough' type thing. Depends on the girl, but it is also a 'league' thing. If you are reaching WAY out of your league, it is much harder for them to be ok with poor looks. You could have an awesome personality, and they'll hang out with you....but you'll be a permenant resident of Friendsville.....population: You.

Dropping 25lb is great!

-p
Old 06-21-06, 01:33 AM
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I think it's mostly confidence. Then money. Then looks. Then whether you're a nice guy or not.
Old 06-21-06, 02:05 AM
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Though people don't like to admit it... looks plays a big part.
Old 06-21-06, 03:07 AM
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There's a movie to motivate you about your situation. The Tao Of Steve. Good luck bud.
Old 06-21-06, 03:46 AM
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For me, I think I'm pretty good looking, pretty funny (although it's a bizarre funny), and decently secure with financials (I dress really nice, Hugo Boss is one of my vices). But I almost never had luck with the ladies. I have absolutely no confidence and am awfully shy.

But even with that, I've been dating a great girl for the past 6 months. I met her randomly at a party one night and things have flown from there. I didn't need to be confident, we just clicked.

Granted, the massive amount of alcohol probably helped.
Old 06-21-06, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Wazootyman
Granted, the massive amount of alcohol probably helped.

The key to my success!!!!!!

-p
Old 06-21-06, 07:27 AM
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Confidence is a biggie for me. My husband is not someone I would have picked out in a bar, but he did make the first move. When I had to reschedule our first date he didn't take it as rejection and still pursued. That was a big plus in my book.

Insecurity just leads to too many other issues. I want confidence above else dammit!
Old 06-21-06, 07:34 AM
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Confidence is the most important...Sure you cant look like a zombie, but looks are secondary to confidence, and also rank below money (although I think there is a strong correlation in being confident and having money).
Old 06-21-06, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by mosquitobite
Confidence is a biggie for me. My husband is not someone I would have picked out in a bar, but he did make the first move. When I had to reschedule our first date he didn't take it as rejection and still pursued. That was a big plus in my book.
My wife turned me down the first time I asked her out. Persistence is key!
Old 06-21-06, 07:47 AM
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Looks is what makes you select a girl to go up to and hit on in the first place. Looks and attitude (confidence) are what she will examine to decide how she responds. It has been my experience that if you are reasonably attractive in the face (to her), appropriately dressed and groomed for her particular sub-culture, and confident without being a cocky fuctard in your approach, you will get some sort of play regardless of your physical build. There is no magic formula, though. If she's not feeling it, she's not feeling it. On the other hand, there can be a spark between two wildy different people, and if that's there, nothing else really matters.

Last edited by AGuyNamedMike; 06-21-06 at 07:50 AM.
Old 06-21-06, 08:51 AM
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I have a friend from school who is... not attractive. Not by any means. He was athletic but if you put him in glasses and an Akira shirt he'd be laughable.

Yet... he bagged, how can I put this in the parlance of the era... some of the choicest poon there was.
Old 06-21-06, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by AGuyNamedMike
It has been my experience that if you are reasonably attractive in the face (to her), appropriately dressed and groomed for her particular sub-culture, and confident without being a cocky fuctard in your approach, you will get some sort of play regardless of your physical build.
As someone whio followed that thinking and got nothing but rejection, that's been the opposite of my exeriences. Those are awfully vague terms, though. Every "confident" guy THINKS that he's attractive, whether she thinks he is or not. (And doesn't physical build kinda tie in to that?; there's a dangerous circular logic loop at play) The "cocky fuctard" issue is just the problem, though. BY DEFINITION, every confident guy THINKS that his approach is appropriate and every guy who lacks confidence thinks that his unwanted advances are a necessary creepiness.

The sad truth is, you don't get to define yourself. TV sitcoms are chock full of cretins who are portrayed as pathetic BECAUSE they have unwarranted confidence, whereas the desireable guys are the ones who aren't portrayed as NEDING to make an advance.

It's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it's just a numbers game; hit on enough women and eventually the law of averages will work in your favor. But, in reality, all that does is decrease your confidence.

Sometimes confidence is simply unjustified. And women usually know it long before the guy does.
Old 06-21-06, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by tromaman
Here is the scenario: I have never been the type of guy to go up to ask the opposite sex out, mainly because of two reasons, the low self-esteem, and weight (I am a big guy). As of late, I am trying to improve myself, and trying to get out there, but I do have a bit of the way to go physically before I feel comfortable enough to get out there.

No my friends say that I have made a great amount of progress (losing 25 lbs. As of late), and all I need is confidence, but I believe, still being overweight, and living in So. California, (a.k.a. Plastic Surgery-ville) I think that looks is important in this o-so shallow world, but my friends say I have enough personality, and greatness behind me, and all I need is the confidence, and Iíll be set.

So I want the honest opinions of the Otters, because I know you guys can give it to me straight. Is it all confidence? All looks? 50/50? What do you think?
I hate to say this, but I gotta, given your username, and the fact that everything in your post "fits"...

If you're this guy, I don't think personality is going to make much difference!

Old 06-21-06, 09:03 AM
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I think confidence is essential for guys. But my main thing is just be yourself. It makes no sense trying to make a girl like someone else (you pretending).
Old 06-21-06, 09:04 AM
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Younger women care more about appearances. If you're average looking you can bump up your image with a good style makover. You can have some bad physical attributes and still come off king with some really good style choices. Confidence and money do go hand in hand and will make a big difference.

Some guys whine "but im SOO confident, I always make moves on women and I ALWAYS strike out". There is a caveat to the 'confidence' approach. Confident is NOT being desperate. If you seem desperate you will strike out. Also, some guys tend to exude a 'creepyness' factor. This is hard to detect. When bundled with confidence, the creepyness factor doubles and women fear you are a serial killer.

Last edited by Save Ferris; 06-21-06 at 09:06 AM.
Old 06-21-06, 09:04 AM
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Sorry to hear about that, wergo. I hope things start going better for you in that regard. Are you saying that in your opinion it's all about the looks and confidence is not a factor, at least not in a positive way?
Old 06-21-06, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Wazootyman
For me, I think I'm pretty good looking, pretty funny (although it's a bizarre funny), and decently secure with financials (I dress really nice, Hugo Boss is one of my vices). But I almost never had luck with the ladies. I have absolutely no confidence and am awfully shy.

But even with that, I've been dating a great girl for the past 6 months. I met her randomly at a party one night and things have flown from there. I didn't need to be confident, we just clicked.

Granted, the massive amount of alcohol probably helped.
You were probably exuding confidence without noticing it. Maybe your girl helped you feel more relaxed, and consequently more confident, but I'm guessing it was there even if it was part you and part alcohol.
Old 06-21-06, 09:05 AM
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The first thing a guy can do wrong is to come off as desperate. Just keep working on yourself and let the other pieces fall into place.....
Old 06-21-06, 09:07 AM
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Unfortunately looks are the first thing observed, so if it doesn't spark the other's attention it's pretty much best to move on. However once physical attraction occurs, the personalities of each are exposed. Personality will be the true test to see if the relationship continues, however for the first month or so a lot of people usually try to impress their intrest, then several months/years later the real innerself is exposed.
Old 06-21-06, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by AGuyNamedMike
Are you saying that in your opinion it's all about the looks and confidence is not a factor, at least not in a positive way?
I'm saying that you don't get to define either. You can be confident in things you control yourself, but you can't be confident about someone else when it involves their free will (and certainly not when you're dealing with someone you don't know very well). You're attractive if SHE thinks you're attractive. If she likes you, then your confidence is valid. If she doesn't, then you're just being obnoxious. The amount of control you have over the situation depends upon a> how much time she's willing to give you to make your case b> how persistent/offensive you're willing to be and c> how manipulative and/or coercive you're willing to be.

Originally Posted by Save Ferris
Some guys whine "but im SOO confident, I always make moves on women and I ALWAYS strike out". There is a caveat to the 'confidence' approach. Confident is NOT being desperate. If you seem desperate you will strike out. Also, some guys tend to exude a 'creepyness' factor. This is hard to detect. When bundled with confidence, the creepyness factor doubles and women fear you are a serial killer.
So, if you're desperate and/or creepy, what can you do to become genuinely confident?
Old 06-21-06, 09:39 AM
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Confidence is key. A confident guy can get practically any woman he wants.
Old 06-21-06, 09:40 AM
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You have to handle the creepy first. You need a 3rd party involved to help you pinpoint it. Is it the way you look at a woman? Are you subconsciously ogling them? Do you smell? Do you have a nervous laugh that sets them off? Do you talk about bad subjects? Do you have an inapropriate sense of humor?

These are general creepy things. There could be any number of scary things women deal with that I dont know about. BUT some women LIKE a little oddball in their guys so it depends what environment you're socializing in and the kind of girls you want to meet.
Old 06-21-06, 09:43 AM
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Frankly, it helps to have both.

I am a good-looking guy. AND YOU ARE ALL MY BITCHES.
Old 06-21-06, 09:44 AM
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it can be like the force from star wars--If you're too uptight about finding the right girl right now you need to LET GO and like yourself for who you are. Be happy about your decisions to better yourself. Confidence comes from this kind of thing. You can avoid being phoney by knowing yourself, keeping a journal and knowing your real motivations and aspirations. Have a sense of humor about life and dont put yourself down. When you meet a girl you like, dont put too much pressure on yourself. Confidence will come with experience and even a little honest nervousness can be cute to a girl.

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