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Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

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Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Old 05-28-13, 03:31 PM
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Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

I thought this was a fun article.

Discuss, and keep in mind that this article is not disputing their talent, just pointing out their douchebaggery.

Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time



Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axe man/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock-n-roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars, and posters for decades. But when you're a world-class guitar player and you know it, there's a fine line between sexy and, well, douchey. You know, that rocker who poses on his knees for just a little too long, gives us just a little too much "O" face during every solo and is hell bent to show us all how many guitars he/she can play at once. History (namely the 80s) is full of these guys, but Douchey Guitar Player Disease (aka DGPD) is still a scourge on the music industry today. With that in mind, we'd like to present our list of the Top 10 Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time.


10. John Mayer
If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of god, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20. Did he just come in his pants?




9. Yngwie Malmsteen
This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the 80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.




8. Esteban
If you've ever come home drunk at 2 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axe man in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.




7. Rick Nielsen
Remember the days when one neck on a guitar seemed sufficient? Well, if you're Cheap Trick guitarist Rick Nielsen, apparently the art of 80s FM power pop requires a lot more. Known more for his wacky guitars than his actual ability to play them, the most famous images of Nielson are of him holding his five-neck behemoth custom built by Hamer. At age 66, we're a little worried that he's gonna throw his back out trying to play this thing if he hasn't already. And c'mon, what does it really add to anything he plays in the band? Can you say "over compensating"?




6. Wes Borland
Of all the 90s alt-rock bands to be forgotten in the 21st Century, Limp Bizkit is definitely one of the most heinous. But let's skip all the nookie jokes and questions about what Fred Durst is doing nowadays and move straight to weirdo guitarist Wes Borland. You may remember the guy who spent more energy covering himself in paint and affixing weird lighting apparatuses to his head than he he did actually playing anything cool. And while we definitely have a respect for showmanship and want eccentric minds have their place in the spotlight, it's hard to pretend to be original when you're entire set is centered on meat head riffs in drop B tuning. The lesson: cool costumes are not a remedy for lame music.




5. C.C. DeVille
Of all the shredders in the L.A. glam metal scene, watching C.C. DeVille on stage always felt like we were getting a one-way ticket to Clown Town. Still one of the most egregious 80s cliches in the rock world today, the Poison guitarist was not just a douche for his playing and his looks, his behavior and addictions definitely gave him the reputation of being among the biggest egomaniacs to ever pick up a guitar in the 80s. And when you can look like the bigger douche when standing next to Brett Michaels, well, you deserve to be a shoe-in for this list. Whether it was stumbling around high on stage, getting in fist fights with band members off stage, his ability to be taken seriously as a guitarist is due only to the fact that the dude can riff for days. In this clip he appears to be so impressed with himself that he pissed his pants.




4. Joe Satriani
If he didn't come off as so quiet and low key,the god father of cheese ball 80s guitar lines might even deserve an even higher place on this list as the founder of the wankfest that is the G3 tour. Have you ever seen the world's most accomplished guitarists get on stage and ejaculate riffs on each other for hours on end? That's basically what this is. Aside from his history as a guitar teacher who instructed some of the most over-indulgent head bangers in the world (Kirk Hammett, Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, and more) Satriani is probably one of the few people on this list that can say he had a douchey song that had an indirect influence on douchey, award-winning music decades later courtesy of Coldplay. You may remember the copyright infringement suit Satriani filed against the band in 2008 over their song "Viva La Vida," which won "Song of the Year" at the 2009 Grammy Awards.Turns out the central riff in that song sounds a lot like his exponentially cornier 2004 track "If I Could Fly." Both parties settled out of court. One final note: Anyone who listens to his music in the car will automatically feel like they're in the movie Top Gun.




3. Michael Angelo Batio
In the pantheon of double guitar-playing riffmeisters, none are equally as spell binding and laughable as Michael Angelo Batio. So much so that winning the Guitar World reader's choice poll for the "Fastest Guitarist of All Time" in 2011 almost feels like an insult. Who else could they possibly have picked to even compete against MAB's lightning fretwork in the first place? There is no competition. Somtimes riffing on as many as four guitar necks at a time, Batio basically made an entire career on being a selfish prick who didn't want a rhythm guitarist stealing his spotlight. The next time you wanna laugh hysterically, check out the guitarists series of instructional DVDs called Speed Kills which also doubles as a manual on how to look like you just stepped off the Sunset Strip in 1984. Oh and when you watch him double teaming two shafts, er, necks on his guitar in this clip, try not to let your head explode.




2.Eddie Van Halen
Ask any show-stealing rockstar in training what their most influential song is and see how long it takes them to say "Eruption." This could very well be the douchiest, soulless, over-indulgent solo in American rock-n-roll. And incase you were wondering, you can play every meandering, nonsensical note in this entire 11-minute opus, but if you can't pull it of while sliding across a catwalk stage, then face it, bro...you're just a wannabe douche.




1. Steve Vai
Sure, plenty of guitar players can overplay and look really intense doing it, but until Steve Vai, we've never seen a guitarist actually manage to go up his own ass while playing a triple necked guitar with legs crossed. You can almost feel how insignificant he thinks you are with every note he plays. You are blessed to hear him even turn his amp on. And for him to splooge his mighty riffs upon you is, well, worth way more than you paid your ticket to see him. If these facial expressions alone during the entirety of this six minute clip don't earn him the top spot on this list, then PLEASE, tell us who deserves it more.

Old 05-28-13, 03:42 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

How is Yngwie only #9 on this list? He should be like #2 or maybe even #1. I'm surprised they even knew who Micharl Angel Batio is. Maybe they just Googled guitarists who play multi-neck guitars?

I don't see why Vai should be #1. He is way out there and kind of kooky, but he doesn't seem like the type who goes out of his way to be a douche.
Old 05-28-13, 03:47 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pKeMeNjofU8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


And here is another video of #3. Try not to laugh too hard.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-lrWZuRn08I" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Old 05-28-13, 03:51 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by bunkaroo View Post
How is Yngwie only #9 on this list? He should be like #2 or maybe even #1. I'm surprised they even knew who Micharl Angel Batio is. Maybe they just Googled guitarists who play multi-neck guitars?

I don't see why Vai should be #1. He is way out there and kind of kooky, but he doesn't seem like the type who goes out of his way to be a douche.
I think Yngwie has dialed back his antics in recent years and is not at the height of his douchieness.

Vai, more than ever, has a really self-satisfied thing about him that I think qualifies him for the top spot.
Old 05-28-13, 03:55 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by inri222 View Post
And here is another video of #3. Try not to laugh too hard.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-lrWZuRn08I" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I fucking HATED this song. I don't know what they had the singer singing through to make his voice sound so high but it was so awful.

My thrash buddies would all fuck with each other all the time, screeching "I'm on the freight train!" as high and loud as possible at inopportune moments.
Old 05-28-13, 04:06 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time



Given Michael Angelo Batio's proclivity for playing sweep picks upside down and with his hands reversed I'm pretty sure he can draw the number "6" in the air and circle his foot clockwise at the same time.
Old 05-28-13, 04:37 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

I actually opened for him in a small venue in the South burbs here like 11 years ago when I was doing the Queenryche tribute thing. I remember walking into the kitchen area which was where the gear was being stored before the set, and he was putting the 4-neck guitar together. I probably smirked but it took a lot not to laugh.
Old 05-28-13, 04:56 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Rick Nielsen? "Douchebag"? this article's over.
Old 05-28-13, 06:19 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Apparently being a flashy guitar player equals douche? Who knew?

I always thought being a douche meant you were an obnoxious, arrogant horse's ass. From this list, only Yngwie and CC Deville qualify.
Old 05-28-13, 06:32 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by Hokeyboy View Post
Rick Nielsen? "Douchebag"? this article's over.
Agreed.
Old 05-28-13, 06:56 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Seriously, these hippies need to stop writing blogs. You may not like the music but to call them douche is just crazy talk.
Old 05-28-13, 06:57 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Wes Borland is about as nice a guy as you will ever meet. Funny too.

Vivian Campbell on the other hand...
Old 05-28-13, 07:13 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

I ran into Rick Nielsen in a hotel bar a few years ago and he was perhaps the most unassuming and nicest rock star I have ever met.

This is a stupid list.
Old 05-28-13, 07:19 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time



Hello?
Old 05-28-13, 08:17 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by Hokeyboy View Post
Rick Nielsen? "Douchebag"? this article's over.
Couldn't have said it better. Most of the people on this list don't deserve to be there. It's like it was written by someone who wasn't even a fan of guitar playing to begin with. I'd say it's a safe bet that same person is the biggest douche of all.
Old 05-28-13, 08:18 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Major fail on this list.
Old 05-28-13, 08:24 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Okay, let's take the term douche out of it. I still don't see what earthly purpose a five-necked guitar could serve, especially for a power pop band.
Old 05-28-13, 08:31 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

I think the five-necked guitar has served its purpose by virtue of the fact it is being discussed.
Old 05-28-13, 08:34 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by Supermallet View Post
Okay, let's take the term douche out of it. I still don't see what earthly purpose a five-necked guitar could serve, especially for a power pop band.
Nielsen is known for his extensive guitar collection. It's not unusual for him to play up to 10 or more different guitars in a night. Many of them are uniquely shaped, too. It's just part of the show, as is the rest of his wacky attire. The guy can seriously play, though. Check out any of their earlier albums, in particular. He's also done several noted guitar sessions for other artists, including John Lennon, who told him Clapton would have chocked on the same guitar solo he ended up contributing. If that's not some serious praise, I don't know what is.
Old 05-28-13, 08:39 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

I met Steve Vai once in 1988. Spoke to him for a few minutes at Ace Music in North Miami. He was sitting around waiting for someone and I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I was a dopey 17 year old wannabe guitarist who tried to keep his fanboy adulation in check as we talked. He couldn't have been nicer, more accommodating, or friendlier FOR NO REASON AT ALL to some dopey punk.

This article is over.
Old 05-28-13, 08:44 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

I was going to post something of that nature earlier about Vai. From everything I've ever read, Steve Vai is one of the most gracious and humble musicians out there. His offstage demeanor is the polar opposite of how he expresses himself onstage. I wish I was one-tenth the "douche" he is.
Old 05-28-13, 08:53 PM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by Rocketdog2000 View Post
Nielsen is known for his extensive guitar collection. It's not unusual for him to play up to 10 or more different guitars in a night. Many of them are uniquely shaped, too. It's just part of the show, as is the rest of his wacky attire. The guy can seriously play, though. Check out any of their earlier albums, in particular. He's also done several noted guitar sessions for other artists, including John Lennon, who told him Clapton would have chocked on the same guitar solo he ended up contributing. If that's not some serious praise, I don't know what is.
Well, I always thought Clapton was overrated anyway, but point taken.
Old 05-29-13, 12:45 AM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Yeah, I read that stupid article. What a joke. More than half those guys are not douchie. I have a friend who opened up for Yngwie and says that he was a complete asshole, so when they were coming offstage he told the crowd to sit back, relax, because "Wingway" Malmsteen was coming up next.
Old 05-29-13, 07:22 AM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Esteban= "white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul)"
Old 05-29-13, 10:27 AM
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Re: Top 10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time

Originally Posted by The Infidel View Post
I was going to post something of that nature earlier about Vai. From everything I've ever read, Steve Vai is one of the most gracious and humble musicians out there. His offstage demeanor is the polar opposite of how he expresses himself onstage. I wish I was one-tenth the "douche" he is.
But the whole point is how they come across on stage. Article stands!

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