The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Remakes are nothing new, but this last decade in movies proves creative bankruptcy is oh-so lucrative indeed. So, I thought it be fun to see if we can one up each other at the imagining the most crass, banal, unnecessary sure-fire box office smash that completely curb-stomps a classic.

My idea: Tim Burton's "The Wizard of Oz"--

No musical numbers.
95% CGI.
Dorothy is a punky, spunky goth girl with a talking cat.
Seth Rogen as the Cowardly Lion.
Orlando Bloom as the Tin Man.
Helena Bonham Carter is Auntie Em.
Johnny Depp is The Wizard and all other guises.
Dorothy is the chosen one brought to Oz to fulfill the prophecy of destroying her cosmic opposite by joining the Oz resistance in order to bring democracy to the merry 'ol land of Oz.
In 3-D!
Part 1 of a Trilogy (of Quadrilogy if the numbers are solid) Prequel in a decade.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

I find the idea of a Wizard of Oz remake not that offensive because there are already several Oz adaptations. I feel like a remake of something that solely belongs to cinema history, like, say, Star Wars, would be more blasphemous to me.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

True enough about the Wizard of Oz. But, I would love to hear (in the name of satire) how "Star Wars" (episodes IV-VI) would be defiled as a serious remake. Yeah, I know George Lucas/Special Editions...ect. I mean if Michael Bay got a hold of the Trilogy with new actors and a new 'tude.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

yeah...it's a book...so...I don't think anyone would actively announce they're remaking THAT film. They might adapt the book sure..but not remake it.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Citizen Kane as a straight remake. I wouldn't mind a new sort of rise to glory/fall from grace type film (even The Social Network sort of fits this type), but if someone tried to remake/reshoot Citizen Kane as they did with Psycho in 1998, it would be one of the ultimate blasphemies.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

They kind of did with "Nixon" (it even had a March of Time scene) with Cuba and Castro as "Rosebud". But, I agree shot-for-shot would be burn-at-the-stake blasphemous.

Okay, how about "American Graffiti" that takes place in 1990's. ("Kurt became an internet billionaire. John Milner was killed on 9/11....ect.)

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Jaws

CGI Bruce

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

http://images.wikia.com/bttf/images/4/4b/Jaws19-2.jpg

"Shark still looks fake".

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

^^
Speaking of which:

Brett Ratner remakes BTTF.

Robert Pattinson as Marty McFly
Shia Labeoaf as George McFly
Ellen Page as Lorraine Baines
Michael Cera as Biff (he'll buff up for the role)

and

Liam Neeson as Doc Brown

In the first one, Marty travels thirty years in the past to the 1980s after being chased by er...uh North Korean, yeah, North Korean terrorists in his time traveling Prius. He experiences such time traveling culture shocks as no internet...and...Walkmans instead of iPods...and well that's about it.

In part two, he discovers he's the chosen one and must fulfill the prophecy to raise up an army and bring democracy to the zombie-ridden dystopian future against his cosmic opposite.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

The Oz "reimagining" Tin Man was alright. But if Burton was to get his hands on Oz,....hell. You saw what he did to Planet Of The Apes. And Alice In Wonderland. And Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. And what he's, no doubt, going to do to Sleeping Beauty and the Addams Family.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Addams Family? Really? Motherf*****! Will Danny Elfman do the music? *rolls eyes*

Just for the record: I don't have anything against all remakes or re-adaptations. I just hate remakes with no soul and no artistic merit.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

This pretty much covers every sequel that comes out after a relatively big hit. Money rules after something blows up big. Art and thoughtfulness go by the wayside in exchange for the lowest common denominator of receipts and demographics (there are obviously exceptions to the rule).

I agree with you, by the way. There are too many hacks in Hollywood who have too much power easily at hand; too many idiots with horrible taste who know too many other idiots with too much money.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Vertigo, starring Will Smith and Megan Fox.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Leon: The Professional starring Keanu Reeves

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

How about a remake of Casablanca, with Pamela Anderson in the Humphrey Bogart role?

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Replace Smith with Jason Statham, add some kung fu scenes, give it a happy ending(;)), and I am sooooo there!!!:D

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Seven Samurai.

Oh, wait...

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Citizen Kane directed by Robert Zemeckis. Using the original soundtrack to the movie, but using motion capture CGI. So it's Orson Welles' voice but CGI body by, say, Jim Carrey.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

A Hard Days Night. Insert your favorite boy band.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

A remake of The Honeymooners where they simply make all the character black for no reason other than to make them do, you know, "funny" black stuff.

Oh wait...that happened.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Oldboy starring Will Smith and directed by Steven Spielberg. It almost happened, and having seen the original, I knew from those two names it would totally crap all over the original.

My idea for a stupid remake:

Gone With the Wind

Megan Fox as Scarlett O'Hara
Shia LeBouf as Ashley Wilkes
Queen Latifah as Mammy
Keanu Reeves as Rhett Butler
Kristen Stewart as Melanie Hamilton

Directed by Michael Bay. The whole movie looks visually good but empty. The burning of ATL is spectacular with a lot of explosions. Oh, and instead of an intermission in the middle they will just split the movie into two parts.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

That's kind of what Spice World was.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Mulholland Drive directed by Joel Schumacher recast with men in the lead.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Spielberg and Smith's Oldboy would've been a re-adaptation of the manga and strayed far from the Park Chan Wook movie (different ending, certainly). When Justin Lin was attached to it and they were trying to get Nicolas Cage, that was when it was a remake.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

I'm glad the Walter Hill remake of The Killer didn't happen.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

I'd actually be game for either of those, is it bad that I could picture Nic Cage in a movie where (massive Oldboy spoiler)

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Star Wars with no involvement from George Lucas.

Wait a minute...oh, sorry...that's a GOOD idea. ;)

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones = Nathan Fillion
Marion Ravenwood = Taylor Cole, Angelina Jolie, or Kate Beckinsale?
Sallah = Oded Fehr

Joss Whedon = Script and/or Director

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

You guys need to be careful. H'wood would consider any of these (luckily, most of these are too costly and star-driven to greenlight). Especially if the original had insightful writing, a good sense of humor or even cool characters - the first things they throw away in the remake.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Dude, I know many women who would FLOCK to this film based on the names in bold and to a lesser degree, Joss Whedon.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

<b>Pulp Fiction</b> remake with either an all female cast or every gender simply swapped for the opposite sex.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

I have no idea how he does it, but joss is a fucking pussy magnet.. one girl I know calls him her "fake husband" /sigh

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Braveheart with Vin Diesel or Dwayne Johnson as William Wallace......

Lets see them pull that Prima Nocte shit this time.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

How about Braveheart with Mel Gibson, but you know, made today.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

With jewish people for him to slander? It might work

His speech may be a little disturbing though..

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

Judd Apatow's remake of "Clerks" with Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg improvising dialogue for an hour and a half where at the end they both win over their lady loves and get better jobs. Goodbye punchy, well thought out, insightful dialogue; hello box office gold! Later to released as an extra "wacky" 30 minute longer Unrated Edition on Blu ray! More unscripted dialogue!

With Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen as Jay and Talking Bob.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

I'm sorry to say, PatD.....but you're imagining for a bad remake is weak. Others' takes on that have been very solid. Yours are just eh...

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

^^How so? I thought they were pretty close to the mark on how Hollywood would do it.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

a 'Wizard of Oz' remake has been in the pipeline for awhile with initial rumours that director John ('Excalibur') Boorman would be behind the camera - now THAT would have been really really interesting.

Re: The Most Cinematically Blasphemous Remake One Can Imagine!
 

This reminded me that Reeves is actually trying to get into the live action remake of Akira (a horribly Blasphemous idea to begin with) to play Kaneda.