Snobbiest critic?
07-10-10 | 06:07 PM
#26
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From: Formerly known as L. Ron zyzzle - On a cloud of Judgement
07-10-10 | 06:25 PM
#27
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
Re: Snobbiest critic?
who the hell wrote that again? Very funny read.His Matrix Reloaded review was amazing 
MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.
This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that fucking good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-shit out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!
WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “FUCK” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that fucking Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the fuck even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.
NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get pussy. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really fucking scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.
Spoiler:
ASS-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty fucking cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.
HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between Ass-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.
ASS-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:
ASS-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy shit. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “fuck you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.
ASS-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “fuck you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-ass happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.
HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” FUCKING” AND “SJOT”
ASS-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ass-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy cock for ketchup packets compared to this scene.
HOLY
Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and
FIUCKINGING
Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a fucking motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the fucking samurai sword and the head-on crash and
!!!FUCK!!!
the fucking Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10
And there’s a whole other ass-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that fucking chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).
Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.
Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.
MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL SHIT the third movie.
That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:
“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston
5/1/03
Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.
Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a ***** again.
MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.
This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that fucking good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-shit out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!
WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “FUCK” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that fucking Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the fuck even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.
NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get pussy. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really fucking scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.
Spoiler:
ASS-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty fucking cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.
HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between Ass-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.
ASS-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:
ASS-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy shit. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “fuck you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.
ASS-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “fuck you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-ass happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.
HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” FUCKING” AND “SJOT”
ASS-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ass-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy cock for ketchup packets compared to this scene.
HOLY
Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and
FIUCKINGING
Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a fucking motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the fucking samurai sword and the head-on crash and
!!!FUCK!!!
the fucking Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10
And there’s a whole other ass-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that fucking chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).
Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.
Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.
MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL SHIT the third movie.
That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:
“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston
5/1/03
Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.
Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a ***** again.
07-10-10 | 06:49 PM
#28
DVD Talk Godfather
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 57,769
Received 1,727 Likes
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1,388 Posts
From: Home of 2013 NFL champion Seahawks
Re: Snobbiest critic?
Larry King: that guy hates everything
07-10-10 | 07:01 PM
#29
Re: Snobbiest critic?
I loved watching Siskel & Ebert growing up. All the previews and talk about the films always got me geared up to go the cinema.
Now though, I really hate to read reviews unless there done by Richard Von Busack. He's a pretty good reviewer and even when being critical brings some constructive things to a review. Feoamante.com has great reviews too.
Now though, I really hate to read reviews unless there done by Richard Von Busack. He's a pretty good reviewer and even when being critical brings some constructive things to a review. Feoamante.com has great reviews too.
07-10-10 | 07:04 PM
#30
Re: Snobbiest critic?
Willie Waffle is a vicious bastard.
07-10-10 | 07:55 PM
#32
DVD Talk Platinum Edition
Re: Snobbiest critic?
I think that the snobbiest critics are as follows:
Peter Travers
those motherfuckers who write for Entertainment Weekly
Harry Knowles
All of these "critics" make you feel like you are a dummy when you read their reviews. With the MFs from EW, you sometimes need a dictionary to fully understand what they are talking about.
Peter Travers
those motherfuckers who write for Entertainment Weekly
Harry Knowles
All of these "critics" make you feel like you are a dummy when you read their reviews. With the MFs from EW, you sometimes need a dictionary to fully understand what they are talking about.
07-10-10 | 07:57 PM
#33
Senior Member
Re: Snobbiest critic?
Love Neill Cumpston, first read his Cloverfield review and then had to search out the rest:
http://urchin.earth.li/~twic/Neill_Cumpston.html
I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit two weeks ago. We’ve been on double shifts at Wetzel’s Pretzels because we’re selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all our retarded customers like biting the heads off of?
Also, the “snowmen” don’t look like snowmen – they look like fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on (the frosting).
But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off.
And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie – which I’m just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass.
The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?”
But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove.
Things just don’t get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean fucked up like the whole movie’s shot through a hand-held video camera, so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought” and then to get back at you your imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and Edith Bunker were the girls)
So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City.
But that’s not the fucked-up part.
The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.
Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean.
And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie’s like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the things crawling away weren’t bad enough, there’s a third, even more messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won’t spoil ‘cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the kind of assholes who’d come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so maybe you’ll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go the fuck home.
Also, I don’t know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out.
So, here’s my final thoughts:
The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly things fucking everything that’s still not fucked, indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings.
The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video you’re watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero’s relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then there’s this final shot (from the flashback section) that’s actually kind of awesome ‘cuz it’s this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of something, except at that point you’re thinking some really bad thoughts about what the shot represents.
The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.
http://urchin.earth.li/~twic/Neill_Cumpston.html
I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit two weeks ago. We’ve been on double shifts at Wetzel’s Pretzels because we’re selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all our retarded customers like biting the heads off of?
Also, the “snowmen” don’t look like snowmen – they look like fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on (the frosting).
But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off.
And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don’t normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie – which I’m just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass.
The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?”
But then it’s like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove.
Things just don’t get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean fucked up like the whole movie’s shot through a hand-held video camera, so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you’re told this, you think, “Man, something bad must’ve happened to whoever filmed this”, and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you’re like, “Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought” and then to get back at you your imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and Edith Bunker were the girls)
So here’s the story: a monster attacks News York City.
But that’s not the fucked-up part.
The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It’s like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin’s vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it’s hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.
Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that’s getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin’ ‘Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it’s gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn’t stay away for long, if you know what I mean.
And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie’s like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the things crawling away weren’t bad enough, there’s a third, even more messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won’t spoil ‘cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the kind of assholes who’d come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so maybe you’ll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go the fuck home.
Also, I don’t know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out.
So, here’s my final thoughts:
The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly things fucking everything that’s still not fucked, indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings.
The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video you’re watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero’s relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then there’s this final shot (from the flashback section) that’s actually kind of awesome ‘cuz it’s this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of something, except at that point you’re thinking some really bad thoughts about what the shot represents.
The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.
07-11-10 | 06:22 PM
#34
DVD Talk Legend
Re: Snobbiest critic?
Rex Reed was pretty snobby in his heyday. But I still liked the guy, although I disagreed with him more times than I agreed with him.
