One advantage I have being a critic is I get to see movies for free. Now this can be both a good and bad thing. Let's look at the bad first; it's bad because I have to watch movies that no human being should have to sit through and watch. There are so many independent films that are such garbage, I wonder why I ever wasted the gas in going to see them. The other bad thing is a lot of these screenings are usually in small theaters in buildings, where the screen size and sound quality isn't exactly up to snuff with a giant multiplex theater. Another bad thing is if I do want to see a movie in a theater on a Friday evening, my selection is usually down to some foreign film from Iraq or something starring Amy Adams because I've pretty much seen everything else.

What about the good? Well, the good thing is I get to see them early. So I'm able to tell people which movies to look out for, etc. I also save money. All it's costing me is time and gas to go see these movies. Some of the screenings even have after parties with free booze, which is always a plus when you feel like getting a DUI on the way home. Some screenings even have free food at the concession stands. I'm talking 'get as much as you want' free food, as in, I can load up on 64 boxes of Sour Patch Kids and be in a sour coma for two hours straight. But the best thing about going to press screenings? I usually get to avoid the general public.

Yes you. The general public. What has happened to you? Why is it you've made going to the movies about as much fun as lying down face first on a colony of Bullet Ants? Where have the manners gone? Where has the common sense disappeared to? Now, my complaints aren't anything new. In fact, I'm sure that after I write this, some idiot from another website will try and link to his article about the same subject from 2 years ago that nobody read. I don't care. In fact, I hate you too.

But I don't hate you as much as going to the movie theater and having to deal with these people:

THE TAKE AN HOUR TO ORDER PEOPLE

You know who these people are. They're the ones who just stood in line with you for forty minutes, because Jose can't figure out how to make change from the twenty dollar bill he was just given. Once his white manager (and they're almost always white managers) comes over to make the correct change, then look at Jose as if he was fired five minutes ago and is still hanging around the lobby, it's finally the person's turn in front of you. Only they don't know what they want.

Apparently sometime between getting in line and getting to the counter, they failed to look up at the menu. They're not sure what combo to get, and they just forgot what it was their spouse wanted who is sitting in the theater saving their seats. One five minute phone call later, they put in their order, only to remember that Uncle Bill is allergic to butter, so they'll need a fresh bag of popcorn, then turn to you and mouth "Sorry." as if you're going to be ok with it. After realizing they have no cash, they pay with a debit card, ask for a tray, put the items in the tray, grab the straws, and grab some napkins. Mind you, they still haven't moved and Jose is now asking how to process a debit transaction. You've just missed the first ten minutes of the movie and in a few minutes, will have wasted $30 on a large popcorn and two large drinks.

THE MUST SIT NEXT TO, IN FRONT OF,
OR BEHIND YOU IN AN EMPTY
THEATER PEOPLE

I'm not sure why this happens, but if you're by yourself or with a friend or significant other in an empty theater, someone will walk in and sit either right behind you, in front of you, or just a couple of seats down from you.

Are they lonely? Do they need the safety and reassurance of human contact? Whatever they're reasons are, I hate these people. If they sit behind you, they will donkey kick the back of your chair like they sprinkled heroin on their cereal before coming to the theater. If they sit in front of you, they either have a head the size of the great pumpkin, or they're a bench player for the Denver Nuggets. Either way, your view will be obstructed causing you to move. If they sit next to you, they are coughers or they will eat their popcorn with their mouth open. People are disgusting, inconsiderate fat pigs. And you my friend, must deal with them.

Here's an experiment on how stupid people are: If you know the movie you're seeing is sold out, get yourself a cup of water, put a straw in it, and place it in the cup holder that's between you and the stranger sitting next to you. There's a 92% chance that this person will, at some point during the movie, grab your drink and start drinking it. It's both comical and shocking at the same time. If this happens, be polite. But tell them that you just got over a bad case of the flu. I have said this to people when its happened to me, and yes, it's funny to see their reaction.

THE DOUCHEBAGS LATE TO
THE MOVIE PLEASE MOVE OVER
ONE SEAT PEOPLE

Don't tell me you don't know who these people are. They're the douchebag couple who decided that they'd have plenty of time on opening day for Return of the King to just waltz in 5 minutes late and find perfect seats. They're the ones who complain to the usher that they can't find two seats together. Meanwhile, you and your friend got there an hour early, waited in line talking about video games, and got perfect seats right smack dab in the middle of the theater. Awesome, right?

But noooooooo, because there are two random empty seats in the row, the usher is asking that you all move over so the couple that just arrived can have the perfect seats you once possessed.

Now, you can handle this one of two ways:

1) Tell the usher that the empty seat next to you is taken and that your friend is in the bathroom. What is he gonna go do, check the bathrooms?

2) Tell the usher you're not moving because you got there early just to have good seats. If the usher argues with you, tell him you're not moving. If he tells you you must move, tell him to call the cops if he has a problem with it. Call his bluff and watch the douchebag couple, who are now giving you douchebag dirty looks and asking, "What's your problem, bro?", walk to the front row and sit down, angry at you because you got there on time.

Just from personal experience in having done both, option 1 is easier.

THE BRING YOUR UGLY BABY
THAT DOESN'T STOP
CRYING PEOPLE

Guess who hates your baby? I do. Now this problem can easily be solved with a little theater ingenuity. I've only seen this in one theater that had a solution to this problem. They had an enclosed baby room for parents to bring their screaming brats into. The room had a full speaker set up and your little ugly demon spawn could cry his ugly his little face off all day without disturbing the rest of the audience. Why don't more theaters have this?

But an even bigger question is, why are you bringing your stupid baby to a theater that's going to pump 50,000 watts of bass into their little ugly ears in the first place? And let's face it, your baby is ugly. I don't care how cute you think it is, or how your friends think it's the cutest thing in the world. It isn't. And the picture above shows why it isn't. It's a shame it's not against the law to stick a baby face first into a giant bag of popcorn to keep him from crying. Forever. And it's also a shame we can't take you, the idiot parent, out back so we can beat your genitals mercilessly so you're unable to have anymore of your stupid ugly babies that shouldn't be in the theater to begin with. Stay at home with your accident, you jackass.

THE LOUDMOUTH
CHATTERING/LAUGH LIKE A DONKEY/
SNEEZING/SNICKERING/
MAKING DUMB JOKES GROUP
OF FRIENDS PEOPLE

Everyone has had the pleasure of having these idiots sitting behind them. Whether its a group of teenage girls too wacked out on sugar and hormones to understand they're in a theater, to the stupid white boys who think they're black and want to crack jokes nobody is laughing at, these people are horrible because they're in a group. And when you get a group of retards together, you unwillingly end up getting sucked into their retard world.

From the loud mouthed 500 pound sista who insists on saying, "Oh hell naw. Don't go in there, foo!" to the stupid 12 year old kid with his buddies making dick jokes every five seconds, you're dreaming about pulling out a shotgun and serving up a nice hot dish of sweet justice to every idiot that thinks they're back at home in the comfort of their own living room.

And that's the problem with home theater now. Everyone is so used to watching movies at home, they leave their etiquette on the couch when they go outside and sit in a theater. SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE. What is this, improv night? You guys trying out wacky new material? After ruining the movie for those of us who know how to act in a theater, I hope you all end up being gang raped by a bunch of escaped mental patients dressed as the crew from Fat Albert.

THE CHECKING/TEXTING
EMAILING/TWITTERING
CELL PHONE PEOPLE

These people are the worst. From the dummies who Twitter, (you idiots know who you are), to those of you insisting on checking your blackberry during the middle of the movie, you have no decency, common courtesy, manners, or awareness of your immediate surroundings. You people are the scum of the theater. Nay, of the Earth. And I hate you all.

Hopefully some of you that have one or more of these bad habits learns a thing or two from this article. And if you haven't, then please don't be in my theater when I'm trying to watch a movie. Just because I'm on probation doesn't mean I won't act the fool.