(Got this off Brimley over at ANP)

"QUERY LETTERS I LOVE"

An anonymous Hollywood type posts some of the worst log lines and script reviews he can find. Sadly, there's plenty to go around.
An example:

"CUFFS"
Dark Comedy

LOG LINE: A prison guard ghost returns to oust a flamboyant warden and his dimwitted gang.

SYNOPSES: A dark comedy which operates on several important levels. This unique screenplay takes on America scandalous prison culture exposing, with outrageous satirical humor, a hidden society which is rife with corruption and the abuse of power.

We are introduced to BEAR, a mystical Native American Shapeshifter and his Spirit Animal Army. With help from Great Stone Mother, Bear and his loyal followers set out to reclaim a sacred Paiute burial ground where an imposing prison now stands.

Enter JAMES "CUFFS" CALLAHAN, the story s pivotal character. Cuffs is a former prison Corrections Officer who returns from the dead with his K-9 companion IKE to the high desert of southern Nevada to take on and expose a corrupt warden and his flunky cohorts.

We meet Cuffs when he is alive, working as a conscientious and caring Corrections Officer at the prison. When Cuffs discovers that the prisoners are being fed food labeled "Unfit for Human Consumption" He confronts the arrogant Warden Robert Shivetz. Outraged by Cuffs' insolent behavior, Shivetz fires him.

Depressed and drowning in alcohol, Cuffs takes his own life with a gun. However, Bear captures Cuffs spirit and decides to shapeshift into a psychiatrist. He helps Cuffs open up, tell the truth, and take responsibility for his senseless act.

Cuffs returns to the prison as a ghost bent on revenge. Bear is also at the prison, posing as a convict. Together, Cuffs and Bear join forces from the spirit and ghost worlds to standup for humanity against the misuse of power behind prison walls.

For example, Bear is able at will to shapeshift and summon his faithful Spirit Animal Army to aid him and Cuffs inside the prison.

As the story unfolds, we meet a number of fascinating characters including Senator Clancy, the voice of reason; Sgt. Otis Newcomb, a dimwitted brute, the vivacious Lt. Sandy Adams, and Trooper Bob, among others.

Cuffs has a crush on Sandy. She becomes attracted to him as well, but unfortunately, it's not meant to be. Cuffs, a ghost, and Sandy human. Never the twain shall meet.

The story ends on a positive, upbeat note. Bear and his Spirit Animal Army are able to restore respect and dignity to their Paiute sacred burial ground. Clancy advances to become Vice President of The United States and later, by a twist of fate, assumes the Presidency. Cuffs join President Clancy as his aide-de-camp with Bear and his loyal Spirit Animal Army in tow.

Cuffs emerges as a scathing dark comedy which not only exposes the corrupt conduct of authority figures but also challenges our imagination, leaving hope in spirit and heart for a better day."

oh how i wish these could be made. they'd be hysterical. thanks, D1

Pretty funny stuff.

Those aren't query letters. They're plot capsules included in query letters.

The problem I have with all of these is that so much about movies is about the execution. I can think of several movies I love that could make for silly-sounding loglines.

I mean, they probably mostly do suck (I would venture to bet that the vas majority of screenplays suck, especially since it seems like everyone and their dog fancies themselves a screenwriter), but sometimes these short loglines can make the best movies sound stupid.

"Note to the reader: lest you find the idea of scary ducks laughable, I should specify that as a result of being irradiated, these ducks have grown fangs in their bills. Also, their droppings are acid, and will melt anything they land on."

See. I would watch that one... and the Zombie lawyer one.

Thank you for posting this site!

"Crimes of passion are never repeated until a drugged out hooker uses her fatherly pimp's past obsessions as the weapon for her own suicide."

"Synopsis
a strange event has just occurred on the level of the planet ground, this event is of a width such as the human spirit cannot support it. A violent one seism of an incredible intensity has just struck our planet ground and caused the division of the planet ground in two planets. America planet = all the American continent. Planet ground = the rest of the world. And veiled the people of two planets are called has to live in spite of them another destiny a dubious future."

As a screenwriter who's sent out a query or two...what the fuck do these people think they're doing???

I would actually like to see the zombie lawyer one!

Though I never saw the movie, this one makes me think of the trailer to Hide and Seek:

ZOMBIE, ESQ.
I wonder was there an actual script written for this, or was this just a joke that some paralegal assistant made. "Lawyers Have Evolved" though... funny, but could be funnier.

Varsity Demon Cheerleader could me made into something funny, but I wonder how much of the film has actually been developed past the idea of "Satan can go on vacation, but God has to pick his temp".

I'm noticing that some of the films have very, very basic concepts that don't seem like they'd have much more to them. I understand, they're only summaries, but still... the evil midgets one?

Unoriginal, but it wouldn't be a bad starting point for a Logan's Run prequel. Ugh... prequels
CLONES! All movies with clones rule!
Sounds like The Claim a bit, actually. Which itself sounded an awful lot like The Mayor Of Casterbridge. Heh.