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The Amazon Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game

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The Amazon Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game

Old 02-20-05, 03:10 PM
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The Amazon Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game

I do this all the time with my movie buddies with hilarious results. Go to Amazon.com, look up a movie, scroll down to "See all [#] customer reviews", click, and choose "Show: 1-Star Reviews Only". While some of these are ligitimate compliants (wrong transfer, defective disc etc) more often that not it's just unbridled ignorence and stupidity. I'll start with a favorite, Casablanca:

Worst Movie Ever!
I was all prepared to love this movie. It started out all cool and retro and stuff, and the black and white was a nice touch, but then it got totally stupid. I mean, are we really supposed to believe aliens want to come down and like messing with Rick's Cabernet (which I thought was wine, but I guess I'm wrong). Ok, so it's either aliens or French Police or Nami's, whatever those are, but they shoulda made that clear.

But then it got okay again, cause Ingmar Bergman is like totally hot
, and Bogart is easily the best looking chain smoking catcher's mitt to ever wear a tuxedo, so I just got sorta lost in the moment or whatever, but then they started ripping off all sorts of catch phrases. I was mad enough when Wayne's World stole "schwing!" but this movie steals tons of catch phrases: "Play it again", "this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship," etc. It even has a whole speech of nothing but catch phrases. Hire a screenwriter next time.

And the movie ends wrong! Wrongly. Whatever. She's supposed to get on the plane, and Bogart is supposed to be sad, but then she's supposed to get off the plane and everything is happy. That's how it works. ... So that's why this movie is like the worst movie ever.
Old 02-20-05, 04:06 PM
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A few for my favorite film, 2001 -

From T. Wong (who gave Amityville 4 four stars): WHAT!?!?!?!? The thing about movies is, you are supposed to be entertained! Or at least being able to stand it! I wanted to rip my brains out and throw them at the stupid screen (at least the other people would be entertained). Oh, yes this is where it all started. Stupid boring films that EVERYBODY loves because they love to be bored because they think it makes them smart. Oh, yes once you're bored you know you're smart. Ok, maybe the monkey thing was a little good.

I always wanted to see this movie because of the talking light computer system thingy. I had seen tons of spoofs of him and lots of clips from the movie on American Film Institute countdowns and its voice always creeped me out. But I actually found him to be very very boring. And the part where all of the lights kept flashing madly. I guess you could enjoy that if you were on drugs? But I'm not so, I didn't get it. I've had more fun watching my laundry or waiting for water to evaporate. If you liked this than you are either:

a) a snob who thinks that they are sooooo smart or
b) a drugee!
and most people like it so I guess that makes half the movie-going world drugees! For those of you who hate it, GOOD JOB!

From "A Viewer": I have a feeling there are fewer women who love this movie than there are men, since women are almost completely absent from the entire movie, and since it's supposed to be deep but is actually just about OBJECTS. Which is no different from most sci-fi films, but good sci-fi films manage to deal with relationships to some extent, and this one doesn't. At any rate, this is one woman who hates this film more than words can express. Another note about gender: many people have used the term "mankind" in their positive reviews of this movie. If you don't understand why that is a sexist term, a "false generic" which supposedly refers to both sexes but actually refers mostly or only to men, you probably won't be aware of the sexist aspects of the movie.. like the term, the movie supposedly deals with humanity, and actually only deals with the male side of it.
How anyone can stay awake with that music and those endless, mind-numbing images of space is beyond me. Personally I prefer movies in which there is actually something of interest (something to look at, music which actually changes occasionally, interesting dialogue..)!! If I feel like sitting around being in awe of space or the mystery of life, I don't need Beethoven's fifth (over and over and over again) and images of things floating in space to do it! To me this film has the emotional power of a screen-saver.

****

There was also someone who listed all the reasons why "The Matrix" is better, and someone who said it was just like opera and ballet, because nobody actually actually likes it but many people say they do in order to sound smart.

Awesome.
Old 02-20-05, 04:22 PM
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This one is too good, M. Hulot's Holiday is #2 on my Top 50 list but what does Amazon have to say:

There was only 1 funny part in the whole movie...
"when Mr. Hulo drops a pitcher and it bounces back up. Then he drops another glass and it shatters...whoop-dee-doo! I don't have to say more; that sums the whole thing up! The End! Hope you enjoyed it...NOT!"

That's his opinion but he is thinking of the wrong Tati movie. The pitcher gag takes place in Mon Oncle, nice to see he did is homework
Old 02-20-05, 06:24 PM
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For Citizen Kane

This moview was horrible. Buy Cops and Robbersons instead., November 17, 2004
Reviewer: Tom Robberson (Springfield, MO) - See all my reviews
This movie was trash. The writing was a joke, the acting was pathetic, and the cinematography was amateur.

Cops and Robbersons is a much more complete film and arguably the best movie in American history. Don't waste your time on Citizen Lame. Rent Cops and Robbersons and see what true cinematography is about.
Old 02-20-05, 07:06 PM
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Because the reviewer's last name is "Robberson," I'm thinking that has got to be a joke. If it somehow isn't, that is too funny for words.
Old 02-20-05, 09:25 PM
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Originally Posted by mookyman
Because the reviewer's last name is "Robberson," I'm thinking that has got to be a joke. If it somehow isn't, that is too funny for words.
Yeah, it probably is a joke. I looked up his only other review, and guess what it's for:

Cops and Robbersons is better than Citizen Kane, November 15, 2004
When you talk about the classics, you will now have to add this Chevy Chase gem to your discussion. Simply put, this film is the greatest work in the history of American film. People were laughing so hard in the movie theater that it was frightening. A fat woman in the back row rocked back, broke her chair, and dislocated two vertebrae. She refused medical treatment just to see how this hilarious epic ended!

Further, some people in the front row were so visibly shaken by the amazing chemistry between Chase and Palance that they started to light their seats on fire!

The fire department then arrived to try to put out the flames, but they just started laughing at Chevy Chase's brilliant physical comedy!

Luckily, the movie ended just as the flames were becoming uncontrollable! I missed some of the credits due to this large fire, but it was all worth it.

Cops and Robbersons is a must see! IT will go down as one of the classics...Citizen Kane, Casablanca, The Godfather, Cops and Robbersons
Old 02-20-05, 11:12 PM
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I'm sure most of those 1-Star reviews for classic movie reviews are fake. Assuming that there was someone who really thought Cops and Robbersons was better than Citizen Kane or that Casablanca stole a bunch of catch phrases, that person probably wouldn't bother to watch a movie like Citizen Kane or Casablanca in the first place. And even if they did, they probably wouldn't go on a place like Amazon and write a review about it.
Old 02-20-05, 11:58 PM
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"Amelie": avoid it with someone you love, May 3, 2003

America's relationship with France, never the hardiest, was dealt a decisive blow with France's refusal to give the big "thumbs-up" to our incursion into Iraq. Some feel the enmity thus engendered in U.S. hearts to be more than justified. "Bushwa," I say (mainly because it's fun); if there were indeed a reason to be angry with our snail-eating friends across the sea it would be, rather, the illegal and unjust "Amelie".

It has been noted elsewhere that Audrey Tautou bears a striking physical resemblance to Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean, but personally I believe this comment to be "below the belt", and have no intention of dignifying its rancor by repeating it here. More germane: that the relentless symmetry of "Amelie"'s visual design (take note, budding film makers: nothin' screams "MY MOVIE IS A MASTERPIECE!" quite as loudly as having the same things on both halves of the screen) and Tautou's endlessly coy grins, grimaces and pie-eyed glances into the camera (kootchie-kootchie!) turned my face as GREEN as most of the shots in this film, for reasons I have no way of divining, happen to be.

As for the narration, mercilessly cloying in two languages, well!: it is the rare film indeed that would not benefit from the excision of same. Film is a medium consisting of both pictures- THAT MOVE!- and sound. There are many possibilities inherent in this combination. It would be good for film makers to exhaust them all before resorting, ever so reluctantly, to the hiring of someone to stand off-screen and tell us about things we are not being shown (or worse) to explain to us things we ARE being shown, or (also bad) to explain what the characters on-screen are thinking or feeling about what is happening, or not happening, to them, or whatever.

C'est la vie (That Gallic charm is infectious).

It is for now a technical impossibility to give a film a negative-star rating; one star will have to do. Some films, however, are indeed wholly without merit.

Thank you.
Iraq? Mr. Bean??? And I've no clue what point he's trying to make in the third paragraph.
Old 02-21-05, 06:44 AM
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It was made in black and white for a reason, September 2, 1999
Reviewer: Ryan Honeyman "rhoneyman" (Cleveland, Ohio) - See all my reviews
May Ted Turner be stricken colorblind for the wrongs he has rained down on the film industry. This film, a classic and 5-star no-brainer for the original, black and white version, is an absolute classic, one of the original "tough guy" movies that paved the way for such modern day classics as Chinatown and L.A. Confidential. If Turner wants to restore something, let it be his dignity after all the trash he's strewn around on his less-than-superstation. If not that, maybe he could work on restoring the face and career of that hag wife of his.
A review for the Maltese Falcon ... I didn't know the DVD was colorized.

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