Coral

A stroke is in Kevin Smith's future in either situation.

Rypro 525

found this on the forum from last year.
The Unholy Tale of Greasy Reese Witherspoon

By Kevin Smith

It's Friday night at eleven o'clock, and me, my producer Scott Mosier and my wife Jen are sitting around the patio bar of the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles with Cruel Intentions actress Selma Blair. What started as a routine meet-and-greet has now become a five-hour gab session, during which Selma has just let slip that she knows where Greasy Reese Witherspoon lives.

"You must tell me where," I gravely say.

"Why?" Selma asks, a little uncomfortable, due to the sudden change in my demeanor, brought on by the mere mention of Greasy Reese Witherspoon.

"Because I want to egg her house."

Yes. I so want to egg Greasy's house. Granted, I know she's married to Ryan Philipe, and they have a baby daughter now. But none of that matters to me. We're not talking about a drive-by shooting. We're talking about a drive-by egging. I mean, f**k it; it's Friday night, we're in L.A., and we've got nothing else to do. What could be better than whipping eggs at the home of a couple B-listers?

Now I've got nothing against Ryan Philipe, mind you. And their baby's in the clear with me too (so far). But Greasy Reese herself? Man, I don't like her. And I'm not talking about her work here (because, like any sane human being with a modicum of taste, I'm a big fan of Election; even - as much as I hate to admit it - Greasy's peformance in said picture); I'm talking about the person Greasy Reese Witherspoon is. I'm talking a personal gripe here - more personal than the shark's beef with the Brodys in Jaws 4: The Revenge (or did that infamous tag-line refer to the Brodys' beef with the shark? I could never tell). The reasons for this beef are sundry, and don't warrant getting into here.

Ah, f**k it. Yes, they do.

Waaaaay back when we were casting on Mallrats, Mosier and I are really anxious to meet Greasy Reese Witherspoon (who I then referred to without the "Greasy" moniker), because we're both huge fans of the coming-of-age drama Man in the Moon. Back then, our casting agent, Don Phillips, would meet with the actors and actresses before we'd audition them, precluding the meet-and-greets I presently am engaged in all week. For the Greasy meet-and-greet with Don, Mosier and I arrange a drop-in, as we're eager to see what she's like, this young actress who so dazzled us as Sam Waterson's daughter. So Don is meeting with her in his office at Universal, and Scooter and I pop in like we don't know she's there, and start jawing with her. What a disappointment.

First, she comes off faux-erudite as all hell, and condescending to boot (personality traits that make for the kiss of death in my book). Secondly, she compares her Stephen Dorff-starring flick S.F.W. to Clerks, calling them "...the same movie, essentially." If you're me, and you've seen S.F.W., this is tantamount to saying Clerks licks balls. By meeting's end, we tell Don there's no reason to bring her back for an audition, as we're now non-Reese fans.

Now whether this registers at all with Ms. Witherspoon, I have no idea. But on two future occasions, I have run-ins with Reese which are not at all pleasant, and may reflect what one can define as a grudge being held against me for not letting her audition for Mallrats (a slight that she should've sent me roses for, all things considered).

The first such run-in takes place at one of Details magazine's "Young Hollywood' Parties. I'm dragged to the shindig, kicking and screaming (I hate parties, and I hate 'em even more when they're wall-to-wall with creepy young actors in L.A.), by my then-girlfriend, Joey Lauren Adams. We see Reese there, holding court, and Joey wants to extend her a congratulations on her performance in Overnight Delivery.

To understand the mammoth gesture this is, you have to know Joey's history with this flick. Many months prior, she and Reese were up for the lead in the picture, the script for which I did an uncredited re-write. It was being directed by the same guy who'd also crafted that contender for the cinematic throne of Citizen Kane, Bio-Dome.

While Overnight Delivery would eventually be unceremoniously dumped straight-to-video by New Line a year later, it was something of a hot project then, and Joey was up for the female lead (indeed, at one point, Joey was going to not do Chasing Amy -- the film that earned her a Golden Globe nomination -- and instead do Overnight Delivery; and people say there is no God...). Ultimately, Reese was cast instead, as New Line was grooming her for stardom. After the initial understandable bout of disappointment, Joey found peace with this decision, especially once she'd gotten Amy under her belt.

So it's a year later. We've shot Amy but it hasn't come out yet. Joey and I have seen an early cut of Overnight Delivery, and she wants to say something nice about Reese's performance to Reese -- a real stand-up gesture that you'd never catch me making, were I in her shoes. We jockey up to Reese (me, quite unwillingly), and Joey tells her that she's seen the flick, and she thinks Reese was really good, adding she's glad Reese got the part when all was said and done. And how does Reese react?

She sneers at Joey. Then turns away.

Children, I wouldn't say it unless I'd witnessed it with my own two eyes. Greasy Reese Witherspoon sneered at the compliment like the third grade girl with the most Valentines sneers at the third grade girl with the second most Valentines after all the Valentines have been given out, just prior to the distribution of the holiday cupcakes. It was an ugly, ugly moment. There was no offer of even an insincere, Hollywood-type "Thanks." Merely a sneer.

But that doesn't earn her the nickname "Greasy." Reese becomes Greasy when I'm later informed that, on the set of Overnight, she quite audibly mocked me.

Me! Radio Raheem!

The mockery was thus: Reese and Paul Rudd (the male lead) are doing the closing shot of the flick, where they walk away from camera. They're supposed to be talking playfully, but since it's understood this is the closing shot (and, presumably, end-credits music will be playing), no dialogue is written. So the director tells the actors to just make stuff up, as it's not going to be heard anyway. What follows is the exchange, as told to me and my elephantine memory (and ass), by someone who was there.

REESE: Who wrote this s**t?

PAUL: I think Kevin Smith.

REESE: Ugh! Didn't he write Mallrats?

PAUL: Yeah, but he also wrote Clerks.

REESE: Who cares? No wonder this dialogue sucked.

Needless to say, when I'm told this, I am livid. Enraged. Mildly amused, yes (hell, it was a good dig), but more enraged.

And from that moment forward, I've never referred to her as anything but Greasy (pronounced "GREE-ZEE") Reese (pronounced "REE-ZEE") Witherspoon (pronounced accordingly).

So when Selma lets slip that she knows where Greasy lives, I'm agog. I'm begging her... BEGGING her to give me the address so I can drive by and egg the mother****er (I'm talking about the house now, not Greasy herself; or am I...?). Selma insists I'll get caught and give her up as the address-provider in the process, but I counter that not only would I not give her up, but I'll endure hours of police questioning following my apprehension and still remain zip-lipped.

"So you're already sure you're going to get caught?" she asks.

I offer that getting caught is a must, because how delicious is it going to be to have Ryan Philipe chasing me down the block in his skivvies, all piss and vinegar, after the yolks have hit the fan? And how infinitely more delicious will the moment be when Way of the Gun catches my ass (which, assuredly, he would, as he's extremely physically fit, and I can barely find the energy to make it to the bowl; unless it's a bowl of Lucky Charms)? I fantasize about him tackling me on a lawn a few yards from his own home (no homoerotic subtext, mind you; the boy's no Affleck), turning me over to see my face, and discovering that the guy who made Dogma is the egg-man.

I harp on this for half an hour, but Blair will have no part of it. Sadly, she eventually heads home, without me having procured so much as a general direction in which Greasy lives.

It is the biggest disappointment thus far on the road to Jay and Silent Bob Striking Back.

jaeufraser

I had heard about the Reese Witherspoon thing. And, before I had read the story, I was quite curious why he despised her so much. After reading it, I was still wondering. If Kevin Smith were to write stories about everyone who thinks his writing sucks, he'd be a pretty busy man. I like his films, but his website and much of his writing is quite juvenile.

movielib

There's a difference between liking or not liking someone's films and recognizing whether or not they are particularly talented.

With only a couple exceptions I don't at all like the films of Michael Mann. I despise The Keep and don't see what people like about that (to me) dreadfully drawn out borefest, Heat. But although I would say I like Smith's films more overall than Mann's I still recognize that Mann is far more talented. He doesn't make ragged, messy movies.

Hell, I only really like one of P.T. Anderson's films very much and that one I love and I think it's a masterpiece. Magnolia, of course. Smith has a better batting average on the "like" scale than Anderson with me. But talent? Anderson has, as I've said, at least ten times as much. No doubt Smith will make many more films I like but I doubt any that I love or will ever call great. Anderson will probably hit it out of the park again for me but he may make many more films I don't care for before that happens again.

Cameron

some funny stuff....i need to go over to the smith site and read up....

BigDan

I guess it depends on how one defines "talent" in relation to making movies as to who is more talented.

What makes a filmmaker talented? Is what one person says defines a filmmaker's talent going to be universal?

fumanstan

Good point. Making an artsy or dramatic piece is a lot different from an action film which are both different from a slapstick comedy. There are some director's who can do or blend them all, but many director's specialize in what they're good at. Personally, i like Smith's dialogue, both comedic and serious better then PTA's and feel he's as talented in that regard.

Hokeyboy

I love how everybody on the Internet (including all of us Movie Dicks here) are allowed to bitch and moan and criticize and rip-apart and tear new assholes on every film ever released... except for Kevin Smith.

OK, all you guys who viciously ripped apart Armageddon, The Phantom Menace, or Van Helsing. Given that you're more talented than Michael Bay, George Lucas, or Stephen Sommers, it'll be a piece of cake for you to make a better movie. Off with you then...

And Magnolia blows. It blows long, blows hard, and blows deep. It's like an endless metaphorical shofar of new year cinematic suckitude. And I am by no means a big Kevin Smith fan, either. Boogie Nights, Hard Eight, and Punchdrunk Love are worlds ahead of anything Smith has ever done.

But Magnolia sucks much more than Smith's worst film (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back). I haven't had a decent BM in

scott shelton

And this is why nobody likes/reads DVDTalk's review section.

Hokeyboy

Uh-oh... looks like someone's nursing a broken heart.

*sends some love scottie's way*

BizRodian

I like Kevin Smith, but he goes public over his dislike of Witherspoon for THOSE reasons?

garmonbozia

I somewhat like Kevin Smith too... I love Clerks and Chasing Amy (the rest of his films I can pretty much do without...) but he is a petty petty man.

Ralph Wiggum

We're not professional filmmakers, though. I don't question his "right" to do it if he chooses, but the way he voices his opinions is extremely tacky and unnecessary.

The Cow

Wow, you are a reviewer? Just wow.

Coral

With such an amazing command of the english language, you should write reviews for a prestigeous film publication. DVDTalk is holding you back.

Hokeyboy

Geeze, if you don't like Magnolia you just can't appreciate the art of cinema? I hadn't heard. Reminds me of that English Patient episode of Seinfeld...

Pardon me if I inject some end-of-the-day-on-a-Monday-after-a-two-week-vacation-period levity into the proceedings... *sigh*... very well.

Magnolia is a failure because it falls short in its attempt to delineate the vagrancies of chance and coincidence and interweave them into a single compelling narrative. While narrative flow hardly seems like the strongest component of Anderson's film - the focus is clearly on tangential experiences mirrored throughout two or more characters (two dying fathers who ruined their children, a budding child genius contrasted against a former child genius who wasted his potential, etc.) - the overall capriciousness of the plot ("shit happens, suffering and redemption represent the universality of the human condition, what are you gonna do?") fails to engage the audience, in essence reducing them to little more than bemused voyeurs, spectators to an overlapping array of emotional trainwrecks. Anderson's constant aping - homage, we are told - of Altman's storytelling prowess reinforces the notion that we are watching little more than rehashed leftovers of a cinematic age gone by, only without the gaping pathos and liberation of self-consciousness that 70s cinema exuded by the truckload. The film is overlong without the substance to support it, and a handful of strong performances (Philip Seymour Hoffman, William Macy, Julianne Moore in particular) do little to bolster a script mired in tedium and overloaded with with a smug sense of "Look! More symbolic greatness!", continuously at the expense of genuine human interest.

A daring film? Certainly. A mundane film? Absolutely not. A failure? A BIG one.

All IMHO, of course. Feel free to disregard every review I've ever written, as my command of the English language just isn't passing muster. However, do me a favor and find me a good sushi joint in the Miami-Dade area. Thai Moon is simply TERRIBLE and you can't tell me otherwise.

Dr. DVD

Just plug in any movie title where you have Magnolia and make that your capsule review of any movie you see and don't like. Would be quite amusing.

Hokeyboy

I suppose this is the wrong time to mention that I felt Ishtar was a misunderstood and underappreciated piece of genius? Really? Oh.

Trigger

You can't endear yourself to me with your love of Ishtar as I had given up on you the moment you revealed your appreciation for Altman.

Hokeyboy

What about unagi tamaki? I love a good eel hand-roll, but some places just overdo it with the sauce. Less is more, ya know?

Josh-da-man

I disliked Magnolia as well, for most of the reasons already stated. It's bloated, indlugent, and - worst of all- uninteresting. (And speaking of The English Patient I liked it as a war movie the first time I saw it, so I bought it on DVD. Now when I put it in my player, I find myself fast-forwarding to Kristin Scott Thomas's nude scenes.)

And Boogie Nights is one of my favorite movies.

And speaking of Michael Mann, the only movie of his I've ever liked was Manhunter. Heat was painful to watch. It was like sitting through dailies of a better movie. I remember watching The Keep on HBO when I was in high school and being bored shitless. (It's a cliche, but the book was much better.)

The thing about Kevin Smith is that his movies are entertaining for what they are. Mallrats and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is that they aren't trying to be anything more than a long string of dick jokes. On that level, they're successful because they don't aspire to be anything more.

Trigger

I liked Magnolia alot - perhaps it was because my father was dying of cancer at the time I saw it and I related to alot of it. Not just that though because I really enjoyed how everything tied together. I felt there was a great build-up in the stories that was all enhanced by the music and the atmosphere. I think the ending is perfect and I don't see anything indulgent about it at all. It's far from pretentious - it doesn't try to go over anyone's head - with the exception of the ambiguous ending. The acting and cinematography and sound design were all brilliant. I thought Boogie Nights was lame and I wouldn't try to defend PTA as some amazing director or anything.

Kevin Smith is not a filmmaker. He's an independent film-school type filmmaker. I saw a preview screening of Clerks and thought it was terrible, but kinda funny. You wanna talk indulgant - look no further than Kevin Smith's resume. Having seen Clerks many times (while working in a video store), I find it to be an amusing film on a level of familiarity. I can say I kinda like it. I liked Mallrats because it was just funny. It's a terrible movie, but it's funny. The rest of his films are complete crap. Chasing Amy is awful and only someone who has little or no understanding of how gay people operate could appreciate it. Dogma was pretty awful, but it had its moments. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was so unfunny that I was mad I wasted good weed on it. He has little understanding of people outside his circle and himself and yet he writes about all sorts of people... writing beyond his scope. He can create moments and can create funny situations (of the low-brow persuasion), but overall his films are all messes. He can say whatever he wants about other directors or actors - the same way I can talk about what a crappy director/writer/actor he is. He knows he's no artist.

scott shelton

Good lord. You've missed the point by a mile.

Who cares what you think of MAGNOLIA? This is about a DVDTalk critic writing...

It/you really sum up the writing going on right now in the review section. I find it sad. Oceans of people come to this site for info, and this/you is what's waiting for them. Yikes!

Hokeyboy

What I post off the cuff in a thread is not an official DVD Talk review. I'm off the clock, pilgrim. Just another forum poster.
Find one review -- ONE REVIEW -- of mine that is written in the same casual "Movie X blows and blows hard" style I used earlier. Just one. If you can do that Scott, I'll be impressed with your thesis. Because as of right now, you've got nothing.

And to intimate that my "Magnolia blows" argument is indicative of the writing style, cinematic knowledge, or analytical skill of, say, DVD Savant, Holly Ordway, Jason Bovberg, Aaron Beirle, Bill Gibron, or any other talented member of our Review staff... well if ignorance is bliss, welcome to freakin' Elysium brother.

fumanstan

I don't see anything wrong with Matt's comments. It's pretty silly to expect all comments about a movie, regardless of who it's by, to be written in a reviewers' candor. Casual chat in a forum is far different from a published review. If i watched a movie with a website film reviewer i wouldn't expect him to speak like he's writing a review. That would annoy the bejesus outta me.