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first review for Matrix reloaded (post contains spoiler tags)

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first review for Matrix reloaded (post contains spoiler tags)

Old 05-02-03, 04:06 PM
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first review for Matrix reloaded (post contains spoiler tags)

If you don't want to know about the movie, don't read the black

from aintitnews.com
(contains strong language as well)
NEILL CUMPSTON IS THE FIRST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO REVIEW MATRIX RELOADED!! HOLD ONTO YOUR SACK!!
Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
It is an honor and a privilege to present the first review anywhere for THE MATRIX RELOADED, a pleasure that is compounded only by the karmically-perfect concept that it is none other than Neill Cumpston who has seen it first.
For those of you not familiar with the Noel Coward-like urbane wit of Mr. Cumpston, you should read his BLADE 2 or X-MEN 2 reviews.
And buckle up. This is a pretty wild ride.
MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING
Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.

This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that ****ing good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-**** out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ass-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!

WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ASS-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “****” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
Spoiler:

I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that ****ing Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the **** even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.


NOW ALL ASS-KICKING UNTIL THE END
So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ass-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ass? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get *****. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really ****ing scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.
Spoiler:

ASS-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty ****ing cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.

HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between Ass-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.

ASS-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:

ASS-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy ****. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “**** you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.

ASS-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “**** you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-ass happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.

HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” “****ING” AND “****”
ASS-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ass-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy cock for ketchup packets compared to this scene.

HOLY
Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and

****ING
Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a ****ing motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the ****ing samurai sword and the head-on crash and

!!!****!!!
the ****ing Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

And there’s a whole other ass-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that ****ing chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).

Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.

Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.

MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL ****, the third movie.

That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:

“MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ASS-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”
Neill Cumpston

5/1/03

Was that the sound of the collective Geek nation sharing one big Happy Ending? It’s a sound I bet I hear again on the 15th of this month.
Thanks, Neill. Rest assured... Harry will never call you a ***** again.

Ok, I am def seeing this movie.

Last edited by Rypro 525; 05-02-03 at 04:11 PM.
Old 05-02-03, 09:54 PM
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That just might be the worst review I have ever read.
Old 05-02-03, 10:34 PM
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look at the source.. No wonder it's so bad..
Old 05-03-03, 01:19 AM
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Was that a review of the movie or the Final Theatrical trailer including knowledge that been passed around on the internet?
What kind of review is that it basically states what everyone knows already no?
Old 05-03-03, 01:22 AM
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The fact that he refers to trinity as "Momento Babe" and the agents as "blues brother dudes" Makes me want to punch the living hell out of the reviewer.
Old 05-03-03, 08:43 AM
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Ron Epstein has a much more coherent review (that's what he calls it on the site) at this link:
http://www.hometheaterforum.com/sneak/sneak.html

However, he gives it a so-so rating... here's the last paragraph (no spoilers)
___________________________________________________
Perhaps the problem I had with this film lies within myself. I am man who is going to be 40 years old this year. At this age, I am tired of Hollywood films that constantly bombard us with visuals and martial arts, as if story were a secondary thought. The Matrix was a one-of-a-kind film that change moviegoing and inspired plenty of imitators. Now, the sequel is badly imitating its own self. Sure, The Matrix Reloaded will no doubt WOW fans with action and visuals that surpass the original, but beneath the sheen, there's no longer any substance.
Old 05-04-03, 05:35 PM
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worst. review. ever.
Old 05-05-03, 12:50 PM
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You guys need to lighten up a little. Although blanking out the naughty words takes a lot of fun out of it, this review is hilarious. Obviously, it's not one to be taken seriously. But it's the most entertaining review I've read in a long time. You should read his reviews for "Blade 2" and "X2."
Old 05-07-03, 10:50 AM
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I really do believe Neill writes like this in a very tongue-in-cheek fashion, making fun of all the other reviewers who write this way and consider it top-notch journalsim. His review is so outlandish you can't take it seriously.

Some people just can't seperate satire from the satired, I suppose. Considering the source of Neill's review, I can understand why some would actually think Neill is a pathetic loon.

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