It's the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look how you feel about it." -ANDY WARHOL

Smart man, that Warhol. Movies (sometimes even bad ones) do prepare us for the world outside the multiplex, from rodent control to reliable plumbing, from filling our bellies to shaving our faces. Real life lessons from the movies? Surely you can't be serious. We are -- and don't call us Shirley.

Shaving

"Ya put the razor in cold water, not hot-'cause metal does what in cold? . . . It contracts. 'At way you get a first-class shave." -JOHNNY CASPAR (JON POLITO), Miller's Crossing, 1990

Tossing Cards into a Hat

"It's not in the wrist so much as in the fingers. Be the hat." -PHIL CONNORS (BILL MURRAY), Groundhog Day, 1993

Mixology

"The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now, a Manhattan you always shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time." -NICK CHARLES (WILLIAM POWELL), The Thin Man, 1934

Pitching

"Don't hold the ball so hard, okay? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg." -CRASH DAVIS (KEVIN COSTNER), Bull Durham, 1988

Playing Sick

"The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good nonspecific symptom. I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school." -FERRIS BUELLER (MATTHEW BRODERICK), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986

Dating

"All right, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock, and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, dump her." -SONNY (CHAZZ PALMINTERI), A Bronx Tale, 1993

Bowel Management

"Coconut milk is a natural laxative. That's something Gilligan never told us." -CHUCK NOLAND (TOM HANKS), Cast Away, 2000

Rodent Control

"The trap works better with a little peanut butter. It's much better than cheese, despite the popular notion that cheese is best." -MRS. EASTBY (MARGARET TYZACK), Match Point, 2005

Hardware

"There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money." -COSMO CASTORINI (VINCENT GARDENIA), Moonstruck, 1987

Quitting Heroin

"Relinquishing junk, stage one: preparation. For this you will need one room, which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography. One mattress. One bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for vomitus. One television and one bottle of Valium." -MARK RENTON (EWAN MCGREGOR), Trainspotting, 1996

Bong Maintenance

"You're gettin' air from there, man. It's no good. You see this? It's got to be tight. You're gonna have to put some gum around the base of that if you want to get a good hit, man." -RON SLATER (RORY COCHRANE), Dazed and Confused, 1993

Meatballs

HENRY HILL (RAY LIOTTA): In prison, dinner was always a big thing. We had a pasta course, and then we had a meat or a fish. Paulie did the prep work. He was doing a year for contempt and had this wonderful system for doing the garlic. He used a razor, and he used to slice it so thin, it used to liquefy in the pan with just a little oil. It was a very good system. Vinnie was in charge of the tomato sauce.

VINNIE (CHARLES SCORSESE): Get that smell? Three kinds of meat in the meatballs: veal, beef, and pork. You got to have pork. That's the flavor. -GoodFellas, 1990

Wearing a Suit

"When you sit down, sit on your jacket a little. That gives you a good line." -TOM GRUNICK (WILLIAM HURT), Broadcast News, 1987

Sales

"Good thing to try: Get a five-dollar bill, take it out when the guy's not looking, drop it on the ground. Guy looks back, pick it up, hand it to him, and say, 'Mr. Blah-Blah, you musta dropped this five-dollar bill on the ground.' Two things happen: He says, 'It's not mine,' you say, 'Musta been, 'cause it's certainly not mine,' or the guy takes it. Right away, this guy is thinking you must be one hell of a nice guy. You're in." -BILL "BB" BABOWSKY (RICHARD DREYFUSS), Tin Men, 1987

Playing Sick

"The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good nonspecific symptom. I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then so is high school." -FERRIS BUELLER (MATTHEW BRODERICK), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986