Stephen Colbert Shares Why He Thinks Women Should Be in Charge of Everything
by Stephen Colbert


First off, it's an honor to be writing for Glamour, a magazine so sophisticated it has an extra u in the title. All the finest publications do, like The New Yourker and Rolling Stoune.

I want to thank the staff of Glamour for asking me to contribute. It's a nice consolation prize for being passed over for their Woman of the Year Award. Not that I wanted it anyway. I believe that honor should go to a woman. I'm a bit of a feminist that way.

And make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of Romeo and Juliet. No one else could fit into the bodice.

Women today have so many smart, resourceful, and intuitive role models. Look no further than Marissa Mayer, Michelle Obama, Sacajawea, and the green M&M.

And according to the U.S. Census Bureau, women outnumber men. Fellas, technically this does make you a minority, but it's probably best not to say so on your college financial aid application.

It has been pointed out to me that I, like other late-night TV hosts, am a man. And while I'm happy to have a job, I am surprised that the world of late-night TV lacks a female presence, unlike sitcoms, which are packed with smoking-hot wives who teach their doughy husband a valuable lesson when he slips on a pizza and falls headfirst into a porta-potty full of beer. Check your local listings.

While there are many talented female comedians out there, right now the world of late-night is a bit of a sausagefest. Perhaps one day it will be just the opposite—which I believe is called a Georgia O'Keeffe retrospective.

And mine is not the only field that lacks enough women. Where are all the lady blacksmiths? What about the bait-and-tackle shopkeepers, pool maintenance professionals, building superintendents, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies? Why are all those minions shaped like tiny phalluses? Why did Mad Max get top billing in Fury Road when he was essentially just a grunting tripod for Charlize Theron's rifle? Of course, historically, our thriving U.S. president industry definitely skews male—but that could change in 2016. Carly Fiorina, all eyes are on you.

Even when women do succeed, their stories often aren't told. Did you know that the first computer, ENIAC, was programmed by six female mathematicians? If it weren't for those pioneering women, we might not have computers at all. And then how would people read empowering listicles like "20 Hot Actresses Without Makeup! (#5 Will Make You Question God!)"?

My point is this: Why does this gender inequality still persist, and how can we stop it? I don't have all the answers. And frankly, it's sexist of you to think I do just because I'm a man. C'mon!

Besides, it's not my place to mansplain to you about the manstitutionalized manvantages built into Americman manciety. That would make me look like a real manhole.

To be honest, sometimes I wonder whether the world would be a better place if women were in charge. It would be pretty easy to make that happen. Simply tell the men of the world that you're trying to start a campfire. While we're all arguing with one another about proper kindling placement and whether using lighter fluid is cheating,* women can just quietly start getting stuff done.

But until that revolution I will continue to fight for women, because I'm a man who is deeply in touch with my femininity. I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh. Pooh and I definitely agree on the no-pants thing. As soon as I'm home, off they go—and I'm knuckle-deep in a pot of honey.

I love all the things women love: exfoliating microbeads, period costume dramas, Joe Manganiello's second row of abs, pay commensurate with my skill set, York peppermint patties, Legolas, the respect of my colleagues, and being warm.

And physically women can relate to me. I have womanly hips—soft and grabbable, and they really fill out my low-rise Levi's. I've got muffin top for days. Sure, the other hosts bring the eye candy. Jimmy Fallon has a boyish charm, and for the ladies who are into ladies, if you squint, Jimmy Kimmel kind of looks like a rugged Mila Kunis. But female viewers need more than a pretty face. They need someone who will represent their voice. And I think this essay has proved that I have an authentic female perspective, because most of it was written by two female writers on my staff.

Point is, I'm here for you, and that means I'm going to do my best to create a Late Show that not only appeals to women but also celebrates their voices. These days TV would have you believe that being a woman means sensually eating yogurt, looking for ways to feel confident on heavy days, and hunting for houses. But I'm going to make a show that truly respects women, because I know that there's more than one way to be one. Maybe you're a woman who likes women. Maybe you like women and men. Maybe you're a woman who's recently transitioned. Maybe you're a guy who's reading this magazine because your girlfriend bought a copy and it looked interesting.

Whoever you are, I promise: I'm going to lean in on this. It really accentuates my muffin top.