DVD Talk Forum - Martin Lawrence SNL Monologue: What Happened That Night?!

Here is a transcript:
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Martin Lawrence: Yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, uh-huh. Yeah! Man, man oh man, look at all these white people.

No, I guess this ain't the Def Jam, right, so I-I guess I better be cool, huh? I got some black folks out there to back me up though. (Cheers)

Woo! All right, all right. Man, I-I am so happy to be here, this is a dream come true for me. I mean, hostin' Saturday Night Live, I watched everybody. All of 'em on here, and I was like "when I'm gonna get my chance? When I'm gonna get my chance?" Well dammit, now is my chance. Ain't no stoppin me now, I tell you.

It's crazy though, I gotta talk about some things that the daggone censors are followin' me everywhere around, wish they'd get off my ass- oops, damn, did I slip?

It's botherin' me, man. You know, "you can't say this, you can't say that," I'm like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I- can I do it? Can I talk to y'all? (Cheers & applause) I mean, I-I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y'all.

Um... Something concerns me real deeply. You know, uh, and it's crazy, uh, and no fella has come up to me, none of the brothers, anybody, has acted like it concerns them as much as it has me.

Um... The ladies, in the 90s, have license to cut off the pilly-packers. (Laughs)Yep. They got license to cut your thing off, man. And this scares me, OK? Because I know women are mad in the 90s, especially white women, I mean, this is the year where they smash your knees and cutting the pilly-packers off.

You know what I'm saying? But I mean, I feel for that man though, man. I feel for him. cause she took his thang man, you know what I'm saying? He can't do this (mimes intercourse). He ain't ever gonna really be able to do this. You know, if you can't do this in your life somethin's missin'. You know what I'm saying? And the lady cut it off, man, and cut it off while he was asleep and he ain't even know it was gone. He was asleep, just chillin', you know, rubbing, having one of them dreams, (mimes sleeping man feeling for penis) and woke up and wasn't nothin' there.

Now what got me about the whole thing was, if she's gonna cut it off at least she coulda left it around his bed or somethin', you know what I'm sayin', the man woke up with no options, couldn't find the peely- pilly packer nowhere, you know what I'm sayin?

What she did with it, got in the car, then she got in the car with- held it in one hand drove the car with the other. Drove down the damn street and threw it in the neighbor's yard. "Here, he'd like to visit your ass."

It scares me, y'all. It's sad, man, a-and how I found out, I found a brother, I heard a brother found it. You know, and it was scary cause they say he was just walkin' down the street, mindin' his own business, he's chillin', he... (mimes walking and stopping in surprise)... cause he saw this he said "Wait a minute, is that a pilly-packer? Damn." And it was white and little, so he had to squint. (Laughs & applause)

He ain't really know, you know, he said "Damn, well I don't really know that person," he wanted to pick it up but he said "I don't know the person." So uh, what he did was run and get a stick and scooped it up, you know and said "All right, cool, what can I do with it, can- what can I do with it," you know, "what can I do with it?" You know?

And he thought, and he said "what would a white man do, what would a white man do?" You know, and the first thing came to the brother's head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don't go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y'all.

Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I'm, I'm single, I'm a single man, I don't have nobody, I'm looking for somebody and- but I'm meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin'. Um... some of you are not washing your ass properly. (laughter & applause) OK? Don't- don't get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I'm sayin', uh... I'm sorry, 'Cause uh, listen, now, I don't know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I'm watching douche commercials on television, and I'm wonderin' if some of you are reading the instructions. I don't think so. Y'know, 'cause I'm getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going "Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl."

Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don't like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. "Douche!" They, (imitating woman) "Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you're gonna wash all the natural juices out the body." I say, well, I dont give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your ass. Put a Cert in your ass. Oh, oh, y'know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your ass.

I'm sorry, y'all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, 'cause I'm a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you're not clean in your proper areas I can't... you know... kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women'll let you go down, you know what I'm sayin', knowin' they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I'm sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip... Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. "Anybody got any butter?" I like jelly on mine.

Well look here, y'all, we got a great show for you tonight, cause I'm here. (Cheers and applause) That's right. I'm here, Crash- yo, yo! Crash Test Dummies are here so yo, we'll be back, hang on, we gonna be back, we gonna do our thing!

(removes shirt and conducts martial arts moves)