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This is hilarious!!!

Old 10-10-02, 10:18 PM
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This is hilarious!!!

Q: Did you see Clemens might come back to the Red Sox? Nooooooooooo! Noooooooooooooo! Noooooooooo!!!!!! -- Jake P, Arlington, Mass.

Sports Guy: If this happens, I'm not even bothering with the lighter fluid and the matches ... I'm moving to the West Coast. That's it. You think I'm kidding.

Here's the only way I could possibly describe my feelings about a Clemens return:

Imagine you're a typical guy in your late-20s. You've been dating the same girl since college, but recently she gained an extra 20 pounds, refuses to exercise and spends her nights sitting on the sofa in jogging pants, eating Cheetos and forcing you to watch "Friends" re-runs. Also, she cheats on you every so often, because she "can't control herself when she's out with her friends." And she rarely shows you any affection. But you stick with her, because there's some history there, because you love her, because you keep hoping she'll turn things around to her old Cy Young form.

Finally, you've had enough. You break up with her. She doesn't show an ounce of emotion, immediately moves on to someone else, then spends the next few months telling your friends how great the new guy is (never mentioning you at all). Now she's motivated. She hires a personal trainer, gets breast implants, bleaches her hair blonde and joins the cast of "Baywatch," looking absolutely fantastic, telling everyone who will listen, "This only happened because my boyfriend broke up with me, and I found true love."

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, she dumps that boyfriend and starts dating your absolute worst enemy, the guy you hated ever since high school who's now a multi-billionaire. To make matters worse, she starts calling your friends and urging them to hang out with her and the billionaire instead of you. Now you have to hear through the grapevine how happy she is, how her sex life has never been better, how she enjoys sticking it to you every chance she gets. You can't get away from her. She even gets her own talk show and conquers her fear of performing live, becoming a Kelly Ripa-like success, learning how to come through in the clutch. She is everything you ever wanted her to be.

After a few years, she hits her late-30s ... and she starts letting herself go again. Her talk show gets cancelled. She starts to put the pounds back on. She makes some bad investments and sqaunders all her "Baywatch" earnings. The billionaire dumps her. And now she wants to get back together with you and pretend that all is forgiven.

Would you take her back? I sure wouldn't.

(Maybe I'm overreacting. I think the Red Sox are driving me insane. I'm not kidding. Let's just move on.)
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Old 10-10-02, 10:39 PM
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Of course, if he comes back, I bet they embrace him pretty quickly.
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Old 10-10-02, 10:46 PM
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I don't think so.
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Old 10-10-02, 11:45 PM
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They hate the uniform not the player, keep that in mind.
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Old 10-11-02, 12:13 AM
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They won't embrace him unless he pitches a couple of one hit shutouts. That'll change their minds pretty quickly.

Of course, they still won't win a world series...
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Old 10-11-02, 12:16 AM
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Heh, I was gonna post this earlier but got tied up. I especially like the part about Kelly Kapowski not being a part of the "Go Team" in Saved by the Bell.
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Old 10-11-02, 07:37 AM
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I love Sports Guy. He rules.
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Old 10-11-02, 08:24 AM
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Originally posted by Bushdog
Of course, if he comes back, I bet they embrace him pretty quickly.
I think Sports Guy is only one person.
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Old 10-11-02, 09:46 AM
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True Boston fans would NEVER forgive Clemens for signing with the Yankees. The Sports Guy is dead on with that point. In Boston, it IS about the uniform.
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Old 10-11-02, 02:39 PM
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Just what the Redsox need. A 40 year old pitcher.....
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Old 10-11-02, 10:33 PM
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As a Sox fan I would never want Clemens back. You put those girly pinstripes on you are banned in my book.
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Old 10-11-02, 10:46 PM
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Why doesn't Clemens just stay with the Yankees? Doesn't he know that vertical stripes are slimming?

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