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Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

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Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Old 09-13-21, 01:01 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Decker View Post
Thank you so much for not ending that sentence with ďfor a reason ď, which is an idiom I truly loathe.
"And the reason is yoooouuuuuuu!!!!!!!"

Now I've got that fucking earworm crawling through my brain...
Old 09-13-21, 01:10 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

That sucks Osiris. Switch the roses from red to yellow (yellow roses for friendship).

Bad boys ignite her passion apparently. You're not a bad boy. Don't even try to be one it won't suit you.

Let her go and live your own life. Eat at restaurants you like, see movies you want, get back into the hobbies you set aside to spend time with her, go work out whenever you desire, etc. Don't even worry about "meeting someone else" this is your time.

Good luck!
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Old 09-13-21, 01:11 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Roses? Cookie bouquets? Edible arrangements?

I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.

I'd go with edible underwear and a bottle of Astroglide.




Old 09-13-21, 04:02 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Josh-da-man View Post

The best part about this product is that you can use the string that holds the candies together to floss your teeth when you are done.
Old 09-13-21, 05:18 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post
Well for what it's worth, her BFF and mom know about the roses and think it's a sweet, thoughtful gesture. They just said if she calls or texts to thank you, don't make a big deal of it, just tell her you were thinking of her and wanted to give her gift and wish her a wonderful day. No I love yous, have you reconsidered, please take me back, etc type comments
Agree with this 100%. Although flowers were over the top. It's a neutral gesture. This is still a amiable breakup. It's not like the relationship was abusive, fighting all the time, alcohol, drugs, etc.
Divorced couples who have children together, and remain amiable, don't think anything of wishing each other happy mothers/fathers day.
Don't worry that you come off as a pest or stalker. If you were creeping her out she'd let you know one way or another. She would ignore or avoid you. If she gets in contact with you, and it's not vital she do so, you guys are still cool.
In my comparable situation. She was dead set against getting back together. Yet, she would drop by the house for various reasons.
"Saw Fleetwood Mac last night. It was great!"
"Saw The Shining last night it was great!"
etc etc etc
This went on for five years. Then about 10 years go by. Hadn't seen or talked to her that whole time. She'd gotten married and had a new baby. She heard a rumor I'd moved away to another state. This got her looking me up to see if true. It wasn't. She wanted to see me. She used the excuse that she had run across a few things of mine from back when and wanted to give them too me. If she was done with me that shit would have gone in the trash.

I'm curious. Did the bad boy type guy that came before you treat her bad? Break up with her? If so I bet the same thing happens with this new guy.
No idea if this applies with your girl, but often there is some kind of self esteem issue that drives them toward unhealthy relationships. When they find themselves in a good relationship they sabotage it. On a sub conscious level they feel they don't deserve it. They're not aware they are doing it. Consciously they believe the reasons they are breaking up are true and valid. They can't understand why everybody is making such a big deal about it.

Often financial problems go along with it. As easy as they can call off a relationship cold, they fall behind on payments, skip out on a lease, run up credit cards. They can't commit to anything for the long haul.
Old 09-13-21, 07:35 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post
And right now it's too early, if by moving on as everyone is saying "go and put yourself out there, sign up for dating apps, go out" etc. As mentioned earlier I've already gone on one dinner date and regretted it, didn't want to be there, etc. Dating is just going to make me think of her.
Speaking for myself, when I say ďmove onĒ itís emotionally from this relationship. Dating is pointless if youíre not ready for it. Youíll know when itís time, and you also never know when you might randomly meet someone and feel that spark.
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Old 09-13-21, 07:50 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by rw2516 View Post
Agree with this 100%. Although flowers were over the top. It's a neutral gesture. This is still a amiable breakup. It's not like the relationship was abusive, fighting all the time, alcohol, drugs, etc.
Divorced couples who have children together, and remain amiable, don't think anything of wishing each other happy mothers/fathers day.
Don't worry that you come off as a pest or stalker. If you were creeping her out she'd let you know one way or another. She would ignore or avoid you. If she gets in contact with you, and it's not vital she do so, you guys are still cool.
In my comparable situation. She was dead set against getting back together. Yet, she would drop by the house for various reasons.
"Saw Fleetwood Mac last night. It was great!"
"Saw The Shining last night it was great!"
etc etc etc
This went on for five years. Then about 10 years go by. Hadn't seen or talked to her that whole time. She'd gotten married and had a new baby. She heard a rumor I'd moved away to another state. This got her looking me up to see if true. It wasn't. She wanted to see me. She used the excuse that she had run across a few things of mine from back when and wanted to give them too me. If she was done with me that shit would have gone in the trash.

I'm curious. Did the bad boy type guy that came before you treat her bad? Break up with her? If so I bet the same thing happens with this new guy.
No idea if this applies with your girl, but often there is some kind of self esteem issue that drives them toward unhealthy relationships. When they find themselves in a good relationship they sabotage it. On a sub conscious level they feel they don't deserve it. They're not aware they are doing it. Consciously they believe the reasons they are breaking up are true and valid. They can't understand why everybody is making such a big deal about it.

Often financial problems go along with it. As easy as they can call off a relationship cold, they fall behind on payments, skip out on a lease, run up credit cards. They can't commit to anything for the long haul.
Oh yea. Yelling matches and physical altercations. There was a hole in her bedroom door that her ex had kicked in during one of their fights. Stole money from her too. She ended it. Gave him multiple chances and called it quits for good....after 10 goddamn years.



Old 09-13-21, 08:09 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by John Galt View Post
Speaking for myself, when I say ďmove onĒ itís emotionally from this relationship. Dating is pointless if youíre not ready for it. Youíll know when itís time, and you also never know when you might randomly meet someone and feel that spark.
Iím my experience, this is typically how it happens. You find someone when youíre not even looking.
Old 09-13-21, 08:51 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Don't do it, just start fresh.

Unless you live in a very small town or this girl really is one in a million, there's likely plenty of other women you will also be able to love and have fun times with. A fresh start is nice some times, you may realize she wasn't all that great to begin with.

Move forward, not backward.
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Old 09-14-21, 08:09 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

keep in mind even if she is 1 in a million that means there are over 300 just like her in the US. That's 6 just like her in your state alone.
Old 09-14-21, 09:09 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

I am not trying to talk down or ugly about you, but cancel the roses. It's going to make you look weak and clingy. Those are the two things women do not like from a man. If you go through with it, you are going to give her the impression that you will be right there like a lap dog when and IF she decides she wants you back. Put the past behind you and get on with your life. Good luck with everything.
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Old 09-14-21, 11:57 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Sonny Corinthos View Post
I am not trying to talk down or ugly about you, but cancel the roses. It's going to make you look weak and clingy. Those are the two things women do not like from a man. If you go through with it, you are going to give her the impression that you will be right there like a lap dog when and IF she decides she wants you back. Put the past behind you and get on with your life. Good luck with everything.
I tend to agree.
Old 09-14-21, 08:55 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Not offering it as advice, but to provide a story thatís somewhat contrary to most of the opinions here, my now-wife broke up with me 1.5 years into dating. We kind of tried to stay friends for about a month, but I was too hurt and would regularly swing between being angry and pleading, so we agreed to take some time off from being in touch. I spent three months being really introspective about what went wrong and working on breaking some bad habits. Then I sent her an email explaining areas where I thought Iíd gotten too complacent, but also pointing out ways that I thought she had unrealistic expectations for a long-term relationship. I made some suggestions for things I thought we both could do better and told her Iíd be up for talking if she was interested. We met to talk a couple times, had both missed each other like crazy and got back together. That was fourteen years ago. Weíve been married for eleven, have two kids and have had a very good, even-keel life together for a long time. You can never know for sure what will happen, but I feel pretty confident weíll be together until one of us kicks the bucket.

Again, not offering that as advice or inspiration, just pointing out sometimes people do split up and get back together and make it work. One thing that was different in our scenario was that there was no other person or people. Also, we wouldíve never gotten back together if I hadnít really earnestly dug into my own shortcomings and been willing to adapt or if she hadnít been willing to do some of the same.
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Old 09-14-21, 09:05 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

My wife and I dated as teens, then ran into each other again 6 years later and the sparks were still there. But she was dating a jerk.

She broke up with the jerk and we started going out. Then she broke up with me.

A few months later we started going out again... and she broke up with me.

Then a good friend of ours was murdered and we fell back together. That was almost 15 years ago, and we've been married for 12 years now.
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Old 09-15-21, 01:51 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by majorjoe23 View Post
My wife and I dated as teens, then ran into each other again 6 years later and the sparks were still there. But she was dating a jerk.

She broke up with the jerk and we started going out. Then she broke up with me.

A few months later we started going out again... and she broke up with me.

Then a good friend of ours was murdered and we fell back together. That was almost 15 years ago, and we've been married for 12 years now.
I appreciate that story of hope.

Well, the latest update is great for me but, given the overwhelming response of "move on" I expect it to be met with criticism and comments of "sigh, they never learn"

She called me yesterday evening. Out of the blue, unprovoked. I had stayed away, didn't contact her, and tried my best to approach the situation with the mindset that it's over. I expected the call to be one of anger and to probably stop talking to her mom. Yet, it was the opposite. She started crying and saying that she's been so miserable the last month. If anyone asked her about me, she needed to step away and gather herself. She even admitted (without me revealing that I knew) that she had gone out a couple times with someone. She said she needed to do that in order for her to see if she really was over me. She said she hated it, that she didn't want to be there. She said she knew she has a past of dating men that were bad for her and she didn't want to go back to that. She said that since she gave a jerk like James (the long time convict ex) multiple chances, that it was crazy she shouldn't try to work it out with me, who has treated her well and knows I'm a good guy. So she said she wants to work out our issues, our miscommunication. She wants us to do a couples therapy session or two. Anyway, we talked for hours, had sex, and I spent the night.

I feel an incredible sense of relief, and my mood and attitude have totally flipped. I went from being completely depressed to euphorically happy. But, I (and she acknowledged this as well) realize that we have things to work on. We realize that this is not, OK, let's just get back together and everything goes back to normal. No, I need to work on things. She needs to work on things. But we came to the conclusion that we both are committed to putting in the effort to make it work, and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. We tried.
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Old 09-15-21, 02:18 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

So once again, an advice thread where the OP did the opposite of what everyone said.


J/K....Glad things seem to be working out for you. I think your plan going forward seems reasonable and no reason it can't work if you're both committed. So did you ever get around to canceling the roses?
Old 09-15-21, 02:22 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by John Galt View Post
So did you ever get around to canceling the roses?
NOW you can change them back to red again.

Seriously, I am happy-ish for you. Put in a good effort to change what needs to be changed and try to be a but more observant of her needs (assuming that she really was giving you readable signals to begin with), but for your own well-being, try to maintain some degree of pessimism for at least six months or so.
Old 09-15-21, 02:39 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Nah. I decided against the majority and wouldn't have cancelled the roses even if this had never happened. I thought to myself, she said it's over, why do I care if she reacts negatively to getting them? I sort of treated it as a "I love you, goodbye" kind of sign with no expectations attached to it.

You're absolutely right jfoobar. I felt a certain hesitation. I asked myself, am I really OK with potentially putting myself through the ringer again if this fails?

I'm just glad we're both open to being transparent about our wants and needs. That our communication issues need to be worked on.

I think I can handle a break up much easier if I know we have issues, try to work them out, and if it doesn't work, so be it. Being under the assumption that everything was good and them dropping a bomb on you. That fucking hurts and was so hard to deal with. But if you both acknowledge you have problems and try to address them, but it doesn't work? At least the writing will be on the wall and you see the end coming.

We'll see how it goes
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Old 09-15-21, 04:14 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

I wish you the best. As I said in my first post, take her at her word. If she says that she's going to work to make the relationship right, take her at her word. She just needs to remember that you were feeling hurt by her action, and she will have to take that into account.

And she really has to work on clear communication with you. "I would like this..." "It bothers me when you do this..." "I worry about this..." "I love it when you do this..." Unlike fictional characters in romance novels, you aren't a mind reader.

She isn't a mind reader either, so it goes both ways.
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Old 09-15-21, 06:00 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Thanks Nick. I believe she knows that and her request to have us do some couples therapy reinforces my belief that she knows it's not just me, it's both of us who need to make changes
Old 09-15-21, 07:01 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Great news man!
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Old 09-15-21, 07:07 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

All I can add is be cautious try not to waste your time in case you realize this isn't going to last. Not sure how old you are but you don't want to get bogged down in some non-sense during some prime years.
Old 09-15-21, 07:24 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

I'm 35. I've noted that in my other posts that just because we're back together doesn't mean everything is fine and dandy. I'm not assuming this will end happily ever after. Another breakup (this one permanent) is a real possibility. We've got things to work through and have addressed that and how we're going to go about doing that. Like I also said, I can live with a breakup if I know we both gave it an honest attempt to work it out and find out we're not right for each other.
Old 09-15-21, 08:42 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by maxfisher View Post
Again, not offering that as advice or inspiration, just pointing out sometimes people do split up and get back together and make it work. One thing that was different in our scenario was that there was no other person or people. Also, we wouldíve never gotten back together if I hadnít really earnestly dug into my own shortcomings and been willing to adapt or if she hadnít been willing to do some of the same.
In other words, you both worked really, really hard to make the relationship intact and functional and to overcome problems with both parties. That's rare, and congratulations for sticking to it. That takes real maturity, which so many people lack.
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Old 09-15-21, 09:40 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Iím happy for Osiris.

Iíve got nothing else to add.
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