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Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

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Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Old 09-12-21, 12:51 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Maybe ask her mom out ...
Old 09-12-21, 12:54 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Ha, I've jokingly had the idea cross my mind as a way to spite her. But nah, I don't date women twice my age
Old 09-12-21, 01:14 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Sounds like the mom is hoping you’ll be her daughter’s knight in shining armor. I don’t think there’s any harm in keeping that line of communication open, as long as she isn’t expecting you to come in and save the day. Not unless the ex has a change of heart.
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Old 09-12-21, 01:16 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post

I often think about Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. I wish the memory erasing procedure was real. I hate thinking about this.
I thought that too at the time. After the weeks and months pass, hopefully you wonít feel that way.
I really think everything that happens to us both good & bad are learning experiences.
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Old 09-12-21, 02:50 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

That's too bad. A lot of women reach their thirties and realize that they want boring safety and stability more than they want superficially exciting but ultimately unpleasant bad guys.

Unless you want to start a new career as a felon, you had best let her find someone else.

But if she's still texting you, she maybe still wants someone with his head screwed on straight to give her sensible advice. Try not to get too unhappy if she ignores it.
Old 09-12-21, 03:31 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Honestly, she sounds like she is having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Mid-30s, dating the same guy for 3.5 years, etc. It's not uncommon for men or women. That, however, does not remotely mean that you should even consider taking her back if she realizes she made a mistake and tries to rekindle things.

I got divorced in my very early 40s and I instigated it. I did not leave my wife for another woman, but for the promise of a better life, one that I would not regret on my deathbed. I knew that if I spent the rest of my life with her, my final years would be filled with remorse. She was simply not the partner I needed to live the kind of life I wanted to live in the second half of my life, even though I loved her (and still do).

I loved dating in my 40s, only dating women about my own age (no one younger than 35). It was much more interesting than dating in my 20s had been and the women were so much more interesting. They had (for the most part) good jobs and well-developed personalities, strong opinions, passionate interests and hobbies, etc. I went out on dates with 17 different women over several months, including relationships with several of them. There were lots of lawyers (including a Federal prosecutor), an accountant, a high school art teacher (who had also served as a medic in the Israeli military), a college professor (also a lawyer), a child protective services caseworker, an IT worker and amateur musician, an author, and the director of homeless services for a large city. Oddly enough, I never went out on a date with a nurse, even though singles ads for women in that age group are often crawling with divorced nurses. I only really considered one of those dates a complete waste of time. The rest were all quite interesting, even when it was obvious very early on that it wasn't going anywhere.
Old 09-12-21, 05:11 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Nick Danger View Post
That's too bad. A lot of women reach their thirties and realize that they want boring safety and stability more than they want superficially exciting but ultimately unpleasant bad guys.

Unless you want to start a new career as a felon, you had best let her find someone else.

But if she's still texting you, she maybe still wants someone with his head screwed on straight to give her sensible advice. Try not to get too unhappy if she ignores it.
There's been no texting. Again, about a month ago she called me after I had returned from a weekend trip and said she didn't want to do this anymore. She was crying pretty hard. Then a brief text exchange asking her to please give it some thought. A week later, I texted her again and she said she needed more time. Then a couple weeks later, I call her, she answers, and we have our final talk. Haven't talked/texted since (5 days now).
Old 09-12-21, 05:13 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by jfoobar View Post
Honestly, she sounds like she is having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Mid-30s, dating the same guy for 3.5 years, etc. It's not uncommon for men or women. That, however, does not remotely mean that you should even consider taking her back if she realizes she made a mistake and tries to rekindle things.

I got divorced in my very early 40s and I instigated it. I did not leave my wife for another woman, but for the promise of a better life, one that I would not regret on my deathbed. I knew that if I spent the rest of my life with her, my final years would be filled with remorse. She was simply not the partner I needed to live the kind of life I wanted to live in the second half of my life, even though I loved her (and still do).

I loved dating in my 40s, only dating women about my own age (no one younger than 35). It was much more interesting than dating in my 20s had been and the women were so much more interesting. They had (for the most part) good jobs and well-developed personalities, strong opinions, passionate interests and hobbies, etc. I went out on dates with 17 different women over several months, including relationships with several of them. There were lots of lawyers (including a Federal prosecutor), an accountant, a high school art teacher (who had also served as a medic in the Israeli military), a college professor (also a lawyer), a child protective services caseworker, an IT worker and amateur musician, an author, and the director of homeless services for a large city. Oddly enough, I never went out on a date with a nurse, even though singles ads for women in that age group are often crawling with divorced nurses. I only really considered one of those dates a complete waste of time. The rest were all quite interesting, even when it was obvious very early on that it wasn't going anywhere.
That's kind of what her mom thinks. She's actually alittle older than me, 38 and I'm 35.

Old 09-12-21, 05:29 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post
There's been no texting. Again, about a month ago she called me after I had returned from a weekend trip and said she didn't want to do this anymore. She was crying pretty hard. Then a brief text exchange asking her to please give it some thought. A week later, I texted her again and she said she needed more time. Then a couple weeks later, I call her, she answers, and we have our final talk. Haven't talked/texted since (5 days now).
These situations are obviously different for everyone, but I think a lot of us can relate here and youíre doing the right thing by not making contact. You canít force this stuff and all you can do is give her the space and see what happens. It might not be much of a consolation right now, but it does get easier with each passing day.
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Old 09-12-21, 11:01 PM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

I’m close friends with a number of my EXs (though for any of that to be OK, my wife also has to be friends with them). Also, for a friendship to work you have to have moved on, mentally and otherwise.
BUT, expecting to get together with an EX, when they dumped you? The reddest of red flags.

Theme song for this thread: The Vaselines: “Sex With an X”. Remember songs, like novels are fiction. In real life stuff like Richard Burton and Liz Taylor who were married multiple times? Only good for the tabloids
Old 09-13-21, 12:57 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Toddarino View Post
I really think everything that happens to us both good & bad are learning experiences.
Thank you so much for not ending that sentence with ďfor a reason ď, which is an idiom I truly loathe.
I agree that anything that happens to us can be an opportunity for us to improve as a person and to grow and learn.
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Old 09-13-21, 05:08 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post

For what it's worth rw2516, we're in our mid thirties. Her mom (the ex comes from a broken home, she met her dad only once. Was raised by her grandparents who are dead now) insists on keeping in touch with me. She let me know that this new guy has a criminal history, has served time...like her long time ex before me. It's generated a lot of mixed emotions, first that how can she date a fuck up when she's gone through that before. Then I think, that won't last, she'll realize her mistake and only a matter of time before she comes back. It's all so frustrating.
You're frustrated because you're trying to apply logic to a an illogical situation. Emotions are illogical. Everybody can see the logic (common sense) in your thoughts about her because we aren't emotionally involved in your situation. Everybody is going to agree with you that she's fucking up going with this other guy. Curious, are there any friends, family, acquaintances that are on her side? Think she is making the right move?
Something is going on with her that has nothing to do with you.
You did not fuck up and lose her. There is not a single thing you could have done differently to prevent this.
There is nothing you can do to fix it (or fix her).
She will have to realize her mistakes all on her own. She's not going to listen to anybody.
Stay on good terms and friendly with her. Don't go to her. Always make her contact you. If a girl dumps you, yet still gets a hold of you from time to time, she's not completely done with you. There's something about you that makes her come around.

Don't sit around waiting for something that may not happen. Put her on a shelf and move on. It doesn't seem that way now, but life has a way of taking over on it's own. There's shit waiting for you around the corner that you can't imagine.
If someday she gets her shit together for real, and comes knocking, you won't see it coming.
Old 09-13-21, 07:54 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by rw2516 View Post
You're frustrated because you're trying to apply logic to a an illogical situation. Emotions are illogical. Everybody can see the logic (common sense) in your thoughts about her because we aren't emotionally involved in your situation. Everybody is going to agree with you that she's fucking up going with this other guy. Curious, are there any friends, family, acquaintances that are on her side? Think she is making the right move?
Something is going on with her that has nothing to do with you.
You did not fuck up and lose her. There is not a single thing you could have done differently to prevent this.
There is nothing you can do to fix it (or fix her).

She will have to realize her mistakes all on her own. She's not going to listen to anybody.
Stay on good terms and friendly with her. Don't go to her. Always make her contact you. If a girl dumps you, yet still gets a hold of you from time to time, she's not completely done with you. There's something about you that makes her come around.

Don't sit around waiting for something that may not happen. Put her on a shelf and move on. It doesn't seem that way now, but life has a way of taking over on it's own. There's shit waiting for you around the corner that you can't imagine.
If someday she gets her shit together for real, and comes knocking, you won't see it coming.
Thank you. What I bolded in your response is almost word for word what her best friend told me.

But yea, her bff, mom, and according to them, everyone else that have met us that she's friends with seem to be just as shocked by this as I was (I haven't personally talked to anyone else she's close to). When we were together she talked about me all the time to them, how much she loved me, and then bam! dumped. All these reasons she's given to me she kept from them as well until she was asked to explain herself. And they all tell me (again, maybe just to make me feel better) that these issues she has are things you work to fix if you love someone as much as you say you did.

And right now it's too early, if by moving on as everyone is saying "go and put yourself out there, sign up for dating apps, go out" etc. As mentioned earlier I've already gone on one dinner date and regretted it, didn't want to be there, etc. Dating is just going to make me think of her. I'm going to compare.

I'm trying to keep myself occupied with the gym, and some movies and TV shows I've fallen behind on.

Last edited by Osiris3657; 09-13-21 at 08:01 AM.
Old 09-13-21, 07:59 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Probably going to be told I shouldn't have done this, but her birthday is next month. I placed an order to have a bouquet of roses delivered to her on that day. At least I didn't include a message along of the lines of "come back to me" just I hope you have a happy birthday
Old 09-13-21, 09:36 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post
Probably going to be told I shouldn't have done this, but her birthday is next month. I placed an order to have a bouquet of roses delivered to her on that day. At least I didn't include a message along of the lines of "come back to me" just I hope you have a happy birthday
You shouldn't have done that.

Roses are for courtship. You aren't supposed to be courting her, you're supposed to be remaining friends. Friends don't send a bouquet. Send her a birthday text like you would do for any other friend who has a birthday.
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Old 09-13-21, 09:42 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Yeah roses are a bit much.
Old 09-13-21, 10:04 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Why didn't you marry her?
Old 09-13-21, 10:17 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Because then we'd have to be telling him to get a lawyer right about now...
Old 09-13-21, 10:45 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Osiris ... cancel the roses. As others have said, that's too much. Text her happy birthday on the day and leave it at that. Use the money you would have spent on the roses to do something nice for yourself. You're grieving. You need to be good to yourself.
Old 09-13-21, 10:48 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by emanon View Post
Because then we'd have to be telling him to get a lawyer right about now...
At least Osiris is ahead of Nick right now. I donít mean itís a race, I just mean it sounds like Osiris has begun to accept his fate and future. Nick however still has blinders on.
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Old 09-13-21, 10:49 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Toddarino View Post
Yeah roses are a bit much.
Maybe split the difference and go with a cookie bouquet or an Edible Arrangement? Those are nice, thoughtful, way better than a text but not overly aggressive, romantically.
Old 09-13-21, 10:52 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by PerryD View Post
Why didn't you marry her?
I don't have a good answer. It wasn't anything about her that made me think this wouldn't work out in the long run. If anything, she's using that as another reason she split...we hadn't even been living together. The reasons behind that are alittle more complicated (we live 35 min apart) and we have jobs that are over an hour from one another, plus I'm in school too. Also she has dogs that don't like cats (I have 2).

But yea, she is (understandably, on reflection) upset that we hadn't progressed to moving in, and at least getting engaged by this point. I got complacent and comfortable with the situation
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Old 09-13-21, 10:54 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

If you want to send flowers send them, but not roses. I feel your pain in that I had a 4-year relationship in college and when we broke up it felt awful and I was devastated and had no real friends aside from her. It took time but I started dating again and realized how bad a fit we were, it was comfortable but for sure we would have ended up divorced and probably with kids in the middle. Time and distance will most likely tell you she is not the one. I know you are older than I was then but it sounds like she is not as perfect as you would like to think she is and likes bad boys.

When you are ready there are tons of dating sites, speed dating, and other kinds of mixer events geared at older adults. I know COVID can make this harder but when the time is right you will find a way to move on.
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Old 09-13-21, 10:58 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Well for what it's worth, her BFF and mom know about the roses and think it's a sweet, thoughtful gesture. They just said if she calls or texts to thank you, don't make a big deal of it, just tell her you were thinking of her and wanted to give her gift and wish her a wonderful day. No I love yous, have you reconsidered, please take me back, etc type comments
Old 09-13-21, 11:00 AM
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Re: Have you gotten back together with an ex and made it work?

Originally Posted by Osiris3657 View Post
I don't have a good answer. It wasn't anything about her that made me think this wouldn't work out in the long run. If anything, she's using that as another reason she split...we hadn't even been living together. The reasons behind that are alittle more complicated (we live 35 min apart) and we have jobs that are over an hour from one another, plus I'm in school too. Also she has dogs that don't like cats (I have 2).

But yea, she is (understandably, on reflection) upset that we hadn't progressed to moving in, and at least getting engaged by this point. I got complacent and comfortable with the situation

I had a LTR almost 15 years ago that only lasted about 4 years. The underlying factors as to why she broke up with me was that. We were together for years and never progressed forward with either moving in together let alone getting engaged. I did get complacent, but didn't realize it until after I got dumped. She's the only one that I'm vaguely in touch with on social media. Ironically, or not, she ended up marrying the guy she got with after dumping me. Looks like she wanted to settle down.

Last edited by Why So Blu?; 09-13-21 at 11:16 AM.
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