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nickdawgy 08-16-21 11:44 AM

My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
So bear with me guys, this is going to be a long thread.

My wife and I met back in 2000. We went out on a few dates but it was mostly just fooling around, booty calls, whatever. I was dating a girl at the time and she never knew (until years later when we reconnected, more on that later) and I think I was a jerk and we stopped talking. Nothing big.

Fast forward to 2004, and I'm in the sixth year of my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. I randomly out of the blue get reminded of my wife and email her. Shockingly, she responds, and we get to talking. We talked for six hours and the phone and that night we decided to start dating. She still didn't know about my girlfriend at the time, but after meeting her parents and having a great time, I broke down and confessed and instead of slapping me across the face she hugged me.

We got married later that year (turns out my girlfriend was cheating on me, too, so the breakup was easy) and it seemed great. But what I didn't realize until recently is I had been a jerk to her virtually the entire marriage. I never abused her or hit her, but I cheated on her (she cheated on me first but not that it matters) and made her feel like shit because I wanted attention. I am talking total childish shit like walking away and pouting just to get a reaction out of her. Or crying (not fake tears, I'm not that good) and waiting for her to come and console me which she did. We had ups and downs until 2011 when our son was born.

All seemed well until 2015 when I reconnected with a friend from high school. We started dating and I told my wife about it. She told me she wanted to make me happy so I could date and sleep with this girl if I wanted. They got to being friends (no we didn't have a threesome) and I started spending more time with this girl. Shortly before New Years Eve, my wife called me out and said that she realized I wasn't being the husband she married and I was more or less living the single life. So she gave me an ultimatum. She said it's either her or me. I chose the other girl. I don't know why I did at the time, maybe I was worried I would miss the girl or I was mad at my wife, whatever. But I told her we need to divorce, and she reluctantly agreed.

Fast forward to two weeks later and this girl says she doesn't want to be with me. So my wife and I decide to put off the divorce and reconcile. We have great sex, we hang out, it's awesome. But in February of 2016, the girl comes calling. Wants to hang out. Wife is pissed (rightfully so) and I decide to hang out with girl. Which leads to me dating her again, and my wife getting even more pissed and literally going to the courthouse to file. But she's standing in line and texting me asking me if this is what I want, if I'm sure about this. I tell her yes, we can still be friends, etc. So she files, and two months pass before the girl says she's done again. My wife consoles me while I am sad about this girl (at this point if you guys are thinking she is a saint and I am a colossal dick, it's not far from the truth) and we put off the divorce (wasted $500) and start "dating" again.

Two years later, after things are going good for the most part (I still pulled my little tantrums and shit) we had a baby girl. Something about her changed me. You parents, especially you Dad's that have a daughter know what that is like. My daughter just put the fear of God into me. Like I had to change because of her. Meanwhile, in 2020, shortly after Covid hit, my wife starts telling me she's not happy. She says I treat people like shit and her and she doesn't like it. So I said I am going to change. And I did. I pulled a Billy Madison and called and messaged old friends that I pissed off and apologized. No word yet if that saved my life or not. But anyway, I started arguing less. Stopped picking fights with random people (you bought a $1,000 camera when you don't make that much money?!?!) over stupid shit. I started treating her better. Things were looking up. People started to notice and said they see the improvement.

Then out of the blue, this year in May she is acting all mopey. I ask her if she's ok. She says "trust me if I wasn't okay, I'd tell you." Two days later, I text her and ask if she's doing okay. I said tell me I'm wrong, but you seem sad and unhappy. She says "I can't tell you you're wrong because you're right. I have been unhappy for months." I asked her what was the matter, I mentioned my changes and stuff. She said she's not in love with me anymore. She loves me as a person and a father to her kids but that's it. She literally says she is thinking she doesn't want to do this and says she's been happier when I am not around her. She told me she hadn't missed me when she went on a trip to Texas to see family, and was gone for a week. She said she was glad I didn't go.

So after my heart sank, and we talked more, we agreed to take it day by day and see what we could fix. She asks me out of the blue if she can go see a friend in North Carolina she had met online. She says she likes him and if he's interested, she would mess around with him, but it's mostly just to meet him. Shen later claimed nothing happened but I don't know if that's true or not. Anyhow, she's gone for four days, and doesn't want to talk to me at all. Just calls to talk to the kids for 5 minutes a day and that's it. She ended up getting a kidney stone while she was out there, and came home in a terrible mood and went straight to bed after I picked her up.

Now keep in mind the weeks leading up to her trip we were getting along fine, Sex, dates, laughing, etc. She gets on the plane to head over there and she's texting me "I love you" and kissy face emojis etc. Once she got there though, it stopped. It was like her texts were being sent by an evil version of herself. So she gets home and goes to bed, and I notice her phone was left downstairs. Now I know her passcode and she knows mine. We have nothing to hide. Or so I thought. I find out she has been texting and emailing this guy I told her I didn't want her to talk to (he was telling her to leave me he is better etc.). This guy lived in Scotland, and was in better shape than me, younger, and lets face it, better looking. Plus she loved his accent. Well I see one of the emails and it's like "I created this email so he wouldn't see it. I like us and I don't want him meddling." She's sending him nude pics and he's sending her dick pics. She's making plans to go see him when Covid is over. She is sending one email after another "this song made me think of how I miss you" and "I had to email you again because I wanted to talk to you again so bad." I also found out she had a four hour Skype conversation with him while in NC all the while telling me I was bothering her on her trip.

I confront her on it, and she admits she did it. Says he was just going to be a fling and nothing else. I told her I saw signs of borderline infatuation. She disagreed. I deleted her email accounts she made to talk to him, sent him a message saying "don't contact my wife" and blocked him. She said she knew what she did was wrong and apologized. This was the end of June, mind you. Now she hasn't talked to him since then because I periodically checked, but yesterday I found out she's looking for rooms to rent online and one bedroom houses. I ask her what it is for and she says a co-worker needs a place to stay. Then she deletes all her search history and browsing history. We go back and forth and she says she doesn't know if she can ever forgive me for how I treated her over the years and she's still not in love with me. I asked her if she wants to be with me and she says she doesn't know. She says she doesn't want to file for divorce and regret it but doesn't want to stay and wait for something to get better when it might never get better. She said divorce is just a hassle and it would be "optimal" if we stayed together.

Keep in mind we are supposed to go to Boston this weekend and she's like it's your birthday weekend, we can still go! But do I really want to spend four days with someone that says she often feels happier when I am not around? I offer to cancel the trip and she says "well I can still go if you don't right?" So much for my birthday weekend. I had already booked the flight, hotel, got baseball tickets, a rental car, and set aside $ for touristy stuff.

Now I know I fucked up. I wasn't always a good husband. But am I out of luck? Would counseling help? I love her so much, and I am totally in love with her (obviously, see the new car thread). There's more to the story between the years but I've already typed a ton. Just ask if you want more info. Please be gentle when you criticize me if possible. I know I can be an easy target but I am hurting right now.

TLDR: Wife says she isn't in love with me, might want to divorce me because I was an ass early in the marriage. What can I do?

Draven 08-16-21 12:14 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Get divorced and do your best to keep it normal for the kids.

Knee-jerk reaction is that neither one of you really want to be in a committed relationship but you're staying in this one because it's convenient. That's not fair to you, to her and ESPECIALLY your children. You need to provide a more normal environment for them and whatever this is is not that.

Divorce is hard until it isn't - at some point in the process, it will be official. I guarantee that it's not harder than this current situation.

Good luck to you.

Sdallnct 08-16-21 12:18 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
First, sorry for the rough time. Sounds like lots of emotions.

Well, I would say counseling could help. I mean perhaps you guys didn’t have a “traditional” marriage (whatever that is any more) but it sounds like you both understood and agreed. Of course things change and what was once ok, may no longer be ok.

I would say, for counseling to be effective you both have to go into with an open mind. Not say you have to be able to see right now being married forever. Be willing to be open and honest, see what the real issues are and see where that lands. Even if it “lands” in divorce you might be in a better place mentally.

How old is daughter? Obviously you can both be great parents divorced. But I do think a bit of extra consideration depending on age. Again, not saying “stay together for your child no matter what”. It should be a factor.

As Draven said, it hard, till it’s not. I was married for 27 years when I got divorced. One of the hardest years of my life was the year after the divorce when it all set in, Then, I realized just how “right” it was and move on. Yes, we still talk on occasion. And my kids (both grown, one married) have good relationships with us both.

Kurt D 08-16-21 12:26 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Just goes to show: A) you never know, and B) Auto loan interest rates aren't all that important.

That said, neither of you has an understanding of a commitment, and this would be a tough salvage. If you are prepared to do REALLY HARD WORK, for quite a while, you might be able to salvage things.

Divorce absolutely sucks for the kids, but honestly you and your wife sound like kids too, so maybe it evens out? ;)

Apologies for being rude with that last comment, and sorry for your troubles and pain ...

ETA: Actual advice - go to couples counseling. You don't need to have an end goal in mind, but this type of stuff needs a disinterested 3rd party to help you figure stuff out.
You should probably go to individual counseling too.

Why So Blu? 08-16-21 01:18 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Wait, so you had a girlfriend, and a wife on the side?

I knew that fucking car you just got, because of the wife, was going to be a problem.

SterlingBen 08-16-21 01:24 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
That was a rollercoaster.

clckworang 08-16-21 02:01 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
I think the really difficult thing for your wife to overcome is that you've shown on more than one occasion that you would prioritize other women over her. No matter how much you say you're in love with her now, there has to be that nagging feeling she's only there until something else - or that other woman - shows up again. You're in a tough spot. I wish both of you all the happiness, whether that be together or apart.

And seriously, what's going to happen with that new car? I imagine that's not something you'd want to deal with on top of everything else right now. Bad timing.

fujishig 08-16-21 02:08 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 

Originally Posted by Why So Blu? (Post 13971312)
Wait, so you had a girlfriend, and a wife on the side?

I knew that fucking car you just got, because of the wife, was going to be a problem.

I feel like a bad person because that's what I was thinking the whole time too, "who's going to get the car and who's going to pay it off?"

Seriously, though, I hope you get the help you need nickdawgy, and not just from this forum, but people who can counsel you and console you in real life. I have lots of questions but I'll refrain from asking them, but what Draven said about both of you not really wanting this relationship except for convenience seems to ring true, at least from what has been described. Having said that, I have never really been one for open marriages and I hate infidelity, but I realize that others tolerate,accept, and even encourage it so what do I know? Just seems to me like I'd be really jealous all the time.

AGuyNamedMike 08-16-21 02:53 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Dang what a rollercoaster. If it were me, I'd want off.

All of the above: Couples counseling to clear up confusion and make communication effective and clear. Individual counseling to keep you on your path to being a better person (kudos!). Divorce. Just do it.

If you remain friends, great! If you start dating and having sex with her again, bonus! Just don't get married again.

It's hard on children either way but they'll benefit from getting off of the rollercoaster too.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Vibiana 08-16-21 03:03 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Neither of you can trust the other to stay faithful, or even to stay off each other's smartphones and email accounts. Don't commit to anybody you can't trust. But you made babies together, so you owe it to them to make the divorce as trauma free as possible for them.

PS: there are a lot worse things than divorce and I've lived with a couple of them. :lol:

Nick Danger 08-16-21 03:16 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Try couples counseling. A professional can at least help you two sort out what you want and where you want to go from here. It costs money, but not as much as a divorce.

Non-monogamy only works if there is lots of communication, everybody is on the same page, and everyone stays within the boundaries you agreed to keep. It doesn't sound like either of you were doing any of that.


Giantrobo 08-16-21 03:28 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
If nothing else, get help and work out your shit or you'll drag these same issues and tendencies into the next relationship...

emanon 08-16-21 04:05 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Congrats, people of DVDTalk. By recommending counseling, you've pretty much guaranteed that it won't even be considered.

zyzzle 08-16-21 04:42 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Get a divorce, try to make it as untraumatic as possible for your kids, and please also get some personal counseling as an asset toward improving yourself and your direction in life. I shall refrain from further comments, except to say you've got a lot of work ahead, but you can come out a better person, in spite of it all. Probaby we at near 100% agreement in these wishes for you, as disinterested strangers in an internet forum.

fujishig 08-16-21 05:04 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 

Originally Posted by emanon (Post 13971392)
Congrats, people of DVDTalk. By recommending counseling, you've pretty much guaranteed that it won't even be considered.

I mean this is a nickdawgy thread... ;)

tommyp007 08-16-21 05:48 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 

Originally Posted by Vibiana (Post 13971358)
Neither of you can trust the other to stay faithful, or even to stay off each other's smartphones and email accounts. Don't commit to anybody you can't trust. But you made babies together, so you owe it to them to make the divorce as trauma free as possible for them.

PS: there are a lot worse things than divorce and I've lived with a couple of them. :lol:

I agree with Vibiana here. This isn't gonna work for either of you. Divorce, don't look back, and try to take care of the kids.

nickdawgy 08-16-21 06:29 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
My kids are 11 and 4. She says she’s just not sure staying wouldn’t cause her more pain. She says she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to revert to who I was before. She says she can’t remember the last time she’s genuinely missed me or wanted to spend time with me.

She wants to go on the trip to Boston still but she would have a good time if her worst enemy accompanied her. She never shows affection anymore, only giving it when I initiate it. She doesn’t tell me she loves me. Only when I say it first. No random texts to ask me about my day or how I’m doing. She will talk to other guys online and flirt and just light up when she’s talking to them.

She tells me all the time she doesn’t mind if I go and sleep with others. I say I don’t want to but she wants to be able to if there opportunity arises. All joking aside, I recommended counseling so as funny as it is to assume this would be another car thread, I wouldn’t shy away from that option.

I asked her today what she loves about me or what she would miss if I was gone and she just sat there and eventually said she doesn’t know. But when one of the guys she just met online asks her why she likes talking to him, she lists a dozen things (you’re cute, sexy, fun to talk to, interesting, make me laugh, etc).

I said what can I do to make you happy? She said I don’t know.

Decker 08-16-21 06:41 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Sounds like things have run their course. I am sorry for you nick, but I think it may be time to just move on. Be grateful for her understanding early on and how much time you two shared together, even after divorce papers were filed.

Kurt D 08-16-21 06:42 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 

Originally Posted by nickdawgy (Post 13971454)
My kids are 11 and 4. She says she’s just not sure staying wouldn’t cause her more pain. She says she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to revert to who I was before. She says she can’t remember the last time she’s genuinely missed me or wanted to spend time with me.

She wants to go on the trip to Boston still but she would have a good time if her worst enemy accompanied her. She never shows affection anymore, only giving it when I initiate it. She doesn’t tell me she loves me. Only when I say it first. No random texts to ask me about my day or how I’m doing. She will talk to other guys online and flirt and just light up when she’s talking to them.

She tells me all the time she doesn’t mind if I go and sleep with others. I say I don’t want to but she wants to be able to if there opportunity arises. All joking aside, I recommended counseling so as funny as it is to assume this would be another car thread, I wouldn’t shy away from that option.

I asked her today what she loves about me or what she would miss if I was gone and she just sat there and eventually said she doesn’t know. But when one of the guys she just met online asks her why she likes talking to him, she lists a dozen things (you’re cute, sexy, fun to talk to, interesting, make me laugh, etc).

I said what can I do to make you happy? She said I don’t know.

As much as it's "fun" to do all that type of analysis, it doesn't mean a thing currently.

I'll reiterate: start the counseling process NOW. Don't pass go, etc. Think of it like a tourniquet. It should probably be mediation for a divorce, but really the ONLY THING YOU CAN DO is for you individually, and you together, to talk with the professionals. The rest is a waste of time and energy.

TGM 08-16-21 06:47 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
is it because you said her ass was fat?

Deadman31 08-16-21 07:41 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
I cant believe I read that whole thing.

William Fuld 08-16-21 08:07 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 

Originally Posted by clckworang (Post 13971328)
And seriously, what's going to happen with that new car? I imagine that's not something you'd want to deal with on top of everything else right now. Bad timing.

Some handsome Scottish dude is going to be driving it and nickdawgy is going to be paying for it.

Coral 08-16-21 08:30 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
Without knowing either of you and just going by the details in the post, it really doesn't sound like either of you ever wanted to be in a committed monogamous relationship.
It seems like you were just going through the motions for various reasons, but just aren't truly happy together. That was my assessment just halfway through reading the post, and it didn't change when I finished reading it.

I think the marriage was over for a while.

I think both of you should seek counselling, but separately and not as a couple. It really does seem like you both have issues to address before moving on to future relationships.

Why So Blu? 08-16-21 08:33 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 

Originally Posted by nickdawgy (Post 13971454)
My kids are 11 and 4. She says she’s just not sure staying wouldn’t cause her more pain. She says she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for me to revert to who I was before. She says she can’t remember the last time she’s genuinely missed me or wanted to spend time with me.

She wants to go on the trip to Boston still but she would have a good time if her worst enemy accompanied her. She never shows affection anymore, only giving it when I initiate it. She doesn’t tell me she loves me. Only when I say it first. No random texts to ask me about my day or how I’m doing. She will talk to other guys online and flirt and just light up when she’s talking to them.

She tells me all the time she doesn’t mind if I go and sleep with others. I say I don’t want to but she wants to be able to if there opportunity arises. All joking aside, I recommended counseling so as funny as it is to assume this would be another car thread, I wouldn’t shy away from that option.

I asked her today what she loves about me or what she would miss if I was gone and she just sat there and eventually said she doesn’t know. But when one of the guys she just met online asks her why she likes talking to him, she lists a dozen things (you’re cute, sexy, fun to talk to, interesting, make me laugh, etc).

I said what can I do to make you happy? She said I don’t know.


Sounds like she also treats you like a doormat. Not good. Resentment is worse than hate and she seems to resent you lots.

kd5 08-16-21 09:04 PM

re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)
 
I'm sorry there are kids involved in this train wreck.


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