Go Back  DVD Talk Forum > General Discussions > Other Talk
Reload this Page >

My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Other Talk "Otterville"

My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Old 08-29-21, 09:14 AM
  #301  
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: In mourning
Posts: 27,397
Received 159 Likes on 110 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Worth reposting:

National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

There is also the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration referral hotline at

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

The following 3 users liked this post by Pharoh:
DJariya (08-29-21), jpcamb (08-30-21), VinVega (08-29-21)
Old 08-29-21, 11:05 AM
  #302  
DVD Talk Legend
 
dsa_shea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Posts: 21,414
Received 175 Likes on 134 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Once she becomes an actual "burden" to Scottish guy then he will likely bounce on her. Carrying on a social media relationship is one thing. It is easy to live in the fantasy. However, once it becomes real, people have to decide if those moments are worth the full time work. He likely doesn't want that. Also, has she actually met this dude in person? If not, she might be surprised that he isn't exactly who he purported to be. Being 43 is not the end of the world. You could start losing weight and getting in shape. Move on and never look back, except for your kids.
The following users liked this post:
Vibiana (08-29-21)
Old 08-29-21, 12:22 PM
  #303  
DVD Talk Platinum Edition
 
Toddarino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northeastern Wisconsin
Posts: 3,431
Received 454 Likes on 310 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Nick,
When I made my discovery and realized that my marriage was essentially done, I thought my life was over too. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink (which for an alcoholic, is something) and I barely slept.
We attempted counseling, but she just did it to show her parents we tried. After she stormed out of a session, that ended. I talked about the divorce itself earlier on in this thread, so I won’t rehash it again.
I just wanted to say your life isn’t over. In a way it’s renewing. I know that sounds like some dumb shit a coworker would say, but it’s true. Starting over is scary, but it’s liberating.
Put your kids first and start making real moves to get out of there. The quicker you’re out the quicker you can rebuild your life.
Old 08-29-21, 12:32 PM
  #304  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 31,763
Received 186 Likes on 134 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by dsa_shea View Post
Once she becomes an actual "burden" to Scottish guy then he will likely bounce on her. Carrying on a social media relationship is one thing. It is easy to live in the fantasy. However, once it becomes real, people have to decide if those moments are worth the full time work. He likely doesn't want that. Also, has she actually met this dude in person? If not, she might be surprised that he isn't exactly who he purported to be. Being 43 is not the end of the world. You could start losing weight and getting in shape. Move on and never look back, except for your kids.
She hasnít met him. She says itís just a friendship but you typically donít send friends nude pics and flirt. In the past when I discovered her talking to him she was taking pics of anything Australian she saw and taking mirror selfieís for him with booty showing and such. The shit eating grin she has when she talks to him is unbearable. But a friend of mine says this guy will drop her when he gets bored. But if sheís doing exactly what he says and entertaining his sick fantasies, who knows?
Old 08-29-21, 12:35 PM
  #305  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 31,763
Received 186 Likes on 134 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by Toddarino View Post
Nick,
When I made my discovery and realized that my marriage was essentially done, I thought my life was over too. I couldnít eat, I couldnít drink (which for an alcoholic, is something) and I barely slept.
We attempted counseling, but she just did it to show her parents we tried. After she stormed out of a session, that ended. I talked about the divorce itself earlier on in this thread, so I wonít rehash it again.
I just wanted to say your life isnít over. In a way itís renewing. I know that sounds like some dumb shit a coworker would say, but itís true. Starting over is scary, but itís liberating.
Put your kids first and start making real moves to get out of there. The quicker youíre out the quicker you can rebuild your life.
Sheís dead set against counseling. Its a shame. But she says she will get individual counseling. You definitely described my symptoms to a T. She keeps saying she wants separation.
Old 08-29-21, 12:40 PM
  #306  
DVD Talk Platinum Edition
 
Toddarino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northeastern Wisconsin
Posts: 3,431
Received 454 Likes on 310 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

In my opinion a separation will just prolong the pain. You’ll go crazy wondering what she’s doing. It’s just going to be a trial run for her single life. She’s got a guy on the hook now.
It’s a bad idea.
Old 08-29-21, 02:24 PM
  #307  
DVD Talk Hero
 
jfoobar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 41,251
Received 589 Likes on 372 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by nickdawgy View Post
When she told me she was wanting divorce in May, she said there’s nobody else, she doesn’t want anybody else.
Of course there is someone else, either someone specific or the promise/hope of someone specific. There almost always is in divorces not involving substantial physical abuse or something really acute like that. The "someone else" is what finally convinces one spouse that they would be much happier if the marriage ended and finally overcomes the inherent reluctance most people have to get a divorce. You need that contrast to compare your current life against.

In many ways, I played the role of your wife in my divorce. It was a "someone else" that finally spurned me to go through with it. And I didn't wait for the "someone else", I went out and found her. It is a form of mid-life crisis, in a way. When you wake up one morning in your 40s and realize that you will regret it if you spend the rest of your waning life on this planet in a relationship that does not bring you joy, fulfillment, whatever, you start the process of change.

Yeah, I attended counseling also, but I had no intention of it accomplishing anything and, of course, it didn't. That said, I am much, much happier now and so is my ex-wife. I'm sure she wasn't at first, but she definitely is now.
Old 08-29-21, 02:26 PM
  #308  
DVD Talk Hero
 
jfoobar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 41,251
Received 589 Likes on 372 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by Toddarino View Post
In my opinion a separation will just prolong the pain. Youíll go crazy wondering what sheís doing. Itís just going to be a trial run for her single life. Sheís got a guy on the hook now.
Itís a bad idea.
In the state that I got divorced in, the separation (one year) is mandatory for all uncontested divorces. Annoyingly, it is not a legal separation if you continue to live under the same roof either. So much as one night spent under the same roof restarts the clock (legally anyway).
Old 08-29-21, 09:21 PM
  #309  
DVD Talk Hero
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Posts: 38,580
Received 1,104 Likes on 861 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by jfoobar View Post
In the state that I got divorced in, the separation (one year) is mandatory for all uncontested divorces. Annoyingly, it is not a legal separation if you continue to live under the same roof either. So much as one night spent under the same roof restarts the clock (legally anyway).
What is the purpose of that law, if you don't mind me asking?
Old 08-30-21, 06:44 AM
  #310  
DVD Talk Platinum Edition
 
Toddarino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northeastern Wisconsin
Posts: 3,431
Received 454 Likes on 310 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by jfoobar View Post
In the state that I got divorced in, the separation (one year) is mandatory for all uncontested divorces. Annoyingly, it is not a legal separation if you continue to live under the same roof either. So much as one night spent under the same roof restarts the clock (legally anyway).
Well thatís unfortunate and stupid.
Old 08-30-21, 07:53 AM
  #311  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 31,763
Received 186 Likes on 134 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Last night was fun. She tells me she’s turning off the camera in my daughters room (who is sleeping a few feet away) so she can take care of herself. She then proceeds to very loudly masturbate while talking to another guy (Australian this time, one of her other Onlyfans subs) on her phone. We got into it over her doing that near my daughter which she tried to justify by saying it’s okay because she was asleep. Then after a long argument she says she wants to take a shower so I offer them master bathroom. Which she accepts. Locks the bathroom and bedroom door. Then turns on all the fans in an effort to conceal the noise and masturbates again. Which again was very loud. She said “excuse me for having needs. I hadn’t masturbated in a week.” But we had just argued and to top it off, a mutual friends daughter was in the ER very sick last night. Not exactly the right conditions for self pleasure.
Old 08-30-21, 08:18 AM
  #312  
DVD Talk Hero
 
jfoobar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 41,251
Received 589 Likes on 372 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by fujishig View Post
What is the purpose of that law, if you don't mind me asking?
Probably to force prospective divorcees to reconsider I guess. The state is Maryland. It used to be for marriages in which one of the spouses did not want the divorce, the mandatory separation was two years but they shortened that to one year in 2011. In Maryland, he could theoretically try and hasten the divorce by trying to prove adultery, which I think is still grounds for what Maryland calls a "limited divorce", but then he is almost certainly looking at much higher legal fees.

FYI, there are 16 states (and DC) that have some sort of required waiting period before a divorce decree can be issued in no-fault divorces. A few are even longer than a year but most are 6 months.

Honestly, other than the onerous one year separation, I found that the process worked very well. The only significant legal cost was one spouse having to pay their lawyer to draft the separation agreement, assuming that the spouses more or less agree on what goes in there. The ultimate decree of divorce basically is a sheet of paper that goes on top of the original separation agreement after the court evaluates the agreement to make sure it seems fair to both parties. It is the separation agreement and not the divorce decree that divides up property, money, child custody, etc. so you basically have a year to come to an agreement with your ex about to do this instead of trying to rush it at the end.

I started dating almost immediately upon separation and very rarely ran into a woman who considered the fact that I was not yet divorced to be a deal breaker. In fact, I can only think of one woman with whom I wanted a second date who turned me down because I told her I was not yet legally divorced (something I did at the end of the first date and then only if I actually was interested in a second date). My now-wife dated me for months before my divorce was final. In fact, we were engaged before the divorce was final (it ended up taking several months longer than the required year to get it finalized).

Old 08-30-21, 08:29 AM
  #313  
DVD Talk Legend
 
sracer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Prescott Valley, AZ
Posts: 15,156
Received 51 Likes on 34 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by nickdawgy View Post
This isn’t about infidelity if you can believe it. She didn’t fall out of love with me because of my looks. I didn’t physically abuse her to the point she said enough is enough. It was my attitude. Over the years. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. I fucked up. Plain and simple.
That's a start.

If you are sincere in your sorrow... then you need to own up to what you did... that all of your words and actions were conscious and deliberate decisions on your part... and your part alone. (none of that, "you made me say those things, you made me do those things, I was stressed by life, etc.) Regardless of what your wife has done (those are things that she'll need to deal with), you need to put that sincere sorrow into action.

What does that look like? Confessing to your wife all the ways that you have hurt her, disrespected her, dishonored her, didn't cherish her, and were unloving to her (as best as you can remember). Ask her if there were any incidents that you forgot (or didn't know). Let her know that it was you and alone who is responsible for those things. Don't ask for forgiveness. THAT is manipulative. That puts a burden on her that shouldn't be placed on her. Let her know that you are so sorry that you deserve whatever she feels is her appropriate response for the way you treated her.... that you would willing accept it no matter what she decided.... THAT is how truly sorry you are about what you did.

If that means she wants to leave and get a divorce, then you should accept it and be willing to help her... because that is how truly sorry you are about how you treated her. If you are arguing with her, then you aren't sorry. You're still trying to get your way.

You mention that you're a narcissist. That is consistent with what you've written so far. Even that fly-by statement about googling how to commit suicide. Suicide is a terrible thing, especially for teens and those suffering from depression. But when someone in a jam of their own making and have people who rely on them, commits suicide, it becomes the final selfish narcissistic act... a way to escape the situation without having to own up to it... leaving the family left behind to deal with the aftermath. Sadly, I've seen this too many times.

If you are truly harboring suicidal thoughts (and not just some fleeting emotion), then seek out help ASAP.
Old 08-30-21, 08:55 AM
  #314  
DVD Talk Godfather & 2020 TOTY Winner
 
Decker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 61,683
Received 3,076 Likes on 2,038 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by nickdawgy View Post
She hasnít met him. She says itís just a friendship but you typically donít send friends nude pics and flirt. In the past when I discovered her talking to him she was taking pics of anything Australian she saw and taking mirror selfieís for him with booty showing and such.
You don't believe what she tells you about guys, and that's the right call. But you believe her when she tells you that she doesn't want or need a lawyer and that you can have full custody of the kids? You really shouldn't. She's not honest with you any more and she feels totally justified in that opinion.
It doesn't have to be contentious, and it should still be secondary to your physical and emotional well-being, but you need to get yourself an attorney, today.
Old 08-30-21, 10:07 AM
  #315  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 31,763
Received 186 Likes on 134 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

So am I wrong to think that it’s not only disgusting but annoying that she would pleasure herself on a call with another guy with my daughter in the room? I mean it’s not like she put her hand under the blanket and started going to town discreetly. She was loud and obnoxious. And she kept turning off the camera so I could check on my daughter (I thought someone was crying).
Old 08-30-21, 10:15 AM
  #316  
DVD Talk Legend
 
spainlinx0's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: NJ
Posts: 18,146
Received 332 Likes on 199 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

It's a little trashy I guess, but I think it's something that shouldn't be at the forefront of your mind, although I can absolutely understand why that would be. She's going to do what she's going to do, and you need to focus on moving on, and also taking care of your children. What she gets up to with other guys is something you should actively block out of your thoughts because it's going to do nothing but drive you mad.
Old 08-30-21, 10:24 AM
  #317  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 31,763
Received 186 Likes on 134 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

It is making me angry. She has told these guys my name too and they know our last name. I cannot believe she would tell them that information.
Old 08-30-21, 10:41 AM
  #318  
DVD Talk Godfather & 2020 TOTY Winner
 
Decker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 61,683
Received 3,076 Likes on 2,038 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Accept the fact that she wants to hurt you now. Whether you deserve it or not, she thinks this is Justified. Best thing you can do his not let it bother you too much. Or at least think about other, more important things like seeking out Mental Health Services and getting yourself legal representation.
Old 08-30-21, 11:15 AM
  #319  
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: In mourning
Posts: 27,397
Received 159 Likes on 110 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

I feel this is all almost too much, hence my disclaimers if what we're reading is true and accurate.

Having said, I am not sure I have ever heard a more telling case of pot meeting the kettle than her calling Nick a narcissist.

She is an egregious narcissist, while also being immature and in serious need of mental assistance. I will say it if nobody else will. You need to remove your children from the situation. It is neither healthy nor safe. Doubting you will, but immediately go to a lawyer and take your children with you. You now don't simply need to worry about her selfish self-destructive, non-loving behaviour, but also all the internet johns she is giving out your family's personal information to. Stop thinking about yourself completely for a moment and only about the children. Do this now.
The following 12 users liked this post by Pharoh:
andicus (08-30-21), Boondock Saint (08-30-21), darkdaze73 (08-30-21), dsa_shea (08-30-21), EdTheRipper (08-30-21), LurkerDan (08-31-21), Sonny Corinthos (08-30-21), tasha99 (08-30-21), TGM (08-30-21), Vibiana (08-30-21), VinVega (08-30-21), zyzzle (08-30-21) and 7 others liked this post. (Show less...)
Old 08-30-21, 11:28 AM
  #320  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
 
danwiz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fairbanks, Alaska
Posts: 2,095
Received 71 Likes on 43 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

This thread goes downhill faster than a rolling stone. OMG!
Old 08-30-21, 11:43 AM
  #321  
DVD Talk Godfather & 2020 TOTY Winner
 
Decker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 61,683
Received 3,076 Likes on 2,038 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by danwiz View Post
This thread goes downhill faster than a rolling stone. OMG!

Old 08-30-21, 11:45 AM
  #322  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
clckworang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: The toe nail of Texas
Posts: 8,891
Received 477 Likes on 329 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by Pharoh View Post
I feel this is all almost too much, hence my disclaimers if what we're reading is true and accurate.

Having said, I am not sure I have ever heard a more telling case of pot meeting the kettle than her calling Nick a narcissist.

She is an egregious narcissist, while also being immature and in serious need of mental assistance.
I'll agree with this. If this is all true, the woman has some serious problems. We all have needs, but come on. Of course, I wonder how much of it was also a show because she knew that he was watching.
Old 08-30-21, 11:45 AM
  #323  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Minor Threat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Posts: 13,781
Received 15 Likes on 11 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)


The following 3 users liked this post by Minor Threat:
danwiz (08-31-21), HistoryProf (08-31-21), Music (08-31-21)
Old 08-30-21, 11:49 AM
  #324  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Mrs. Danger's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: With Nick Danger
Posts: 19,201
Received 564 Likes on 321 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Originally Posted by nickdawgy View Post
Not exactly the right conditions for self pleasure.
Don't be so judgy about that. For some people, it's stress relief, and "bad times" are when they feel they need it most.

Although, the way you describe the situation makes it sound like she was deliberately annoying you.
Old 08-30-21, 02:18 PM
  #325  
Suspended
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Living in a van down by the river
Posts: 16,506
Received 536 Likes on 254 Posts
re: My Marriage May Be Over....Need Advice :( (Also need Beans)

Who's parenting your kids while she's masturbating and you're seething over her masturbating? I'm with Pharoh. One of you needs to grow up and be a parent. Get those kids and get them the hell out of there.

Please note that when this happens her motherly instincts as well as her pride will kick in and she'll fight you. This is why we've been telling you to get a fucking lawyer already. The things you'd never think about during the course of a marriage can turn into incredible boulders to climb over when you're splitting up.
The following 3 users liked this post by Vibiana:
danwiz (08-31-21), EdTheRipper (08-30-21), tasha99 (08-30-21)

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.