Pharoh

Worth reposting:

National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

There is also the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration referral hotline at

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

dsa_shea

Once she becomes an actual "burden" to Scottish guy then he will likely bounce on her. Carrying on a social media relationship is one thing. It is easy to live in the fantasy. However, once it becomes real, people have to decide if those moments are worth the full time work. He likely doesn't want that. Also, has she actually met this dude in person? If not, she might be surprised that he isn't exactly who he purported to be. Being 43 is not the end of the world. You could start losing weight and getting in shape. Move on and never look back, except for your kids.

Toddarino

Nick,
When I made my discovery and realized that my marriage was essentially done, I thought my life was over too. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink (which for an alcoholic, is something) and I barely slept.
We attempted counseling, but she just did it to show her parents we tried. After she stormed out of a session, that ended. I talked about the divorce itself earlier on in this thread, so I won’t rehash it again.
I just wanted to say your life isn’t over. In a way it’s renewing. I know that sounds like some dumb shit a coworker would say, but it’s true. Starting over is scary, but it’s liberating.
Put your kids first and start making real moves to get out of there. The quicker you’re out the quicker you can rebuild your life.

nickdawgy

She hasn’t met him. She says it’s just a friendship but you typically don’t send friends nude pics and flirt. In the past when I discovered her talking to him she was taking pics of anything Australian she saw and taking mirror selfie’s for him with booty showing and such. The shit eating grin she has when she talks to him is unbearable. But a friend of mine says this guy will drop her when he gets bored. But if she’s doing exactly what he says and entertaining his sick fantasies, who knows?

nickdawgy

She’s dead set against counseling. Its a shame. But she says she will get individual counseling. You definitely described my symptoms to a T. She keeps saying she wants separation.

Toddarino

In my opinion a separation will just prolong the pain. You’ll go crazy wondering what she’s doing. It’s just going to be a trial run for her single life. She’s got a guy on the hook now.
It’s a bad idea.

jfoobar

Of course there is someone else, either someone specific or the promise/hope of someone specific. There almost always is in divorces not involving substantial physical abuse or something really acute like that. The "someone else" is what finally convinces one spouse that they would be much happier if the marriage ended and finally overcomes the inherent reluctance most people have to get a divorce. You need that contrast to compare your current life against.

In many ways, I played the role of your wife in my divorce. It was a "someone else" that finally spurned me to go through with it. And I didn't wait for the "someone else", I went out and found her. It is a form of mid-life crisis, in a way. When you wake up one morning in your 40s and realize that you will regret it if you spend the rest of your waning life on this planet in a relationship that does not bring you joy, fulfillment, whatever, you start the process of change.

Yeah, I attended counseling also, but I had no intention of it accomplishing anything and, of course, it didn't. That said, I am much, much happier now and so is my ex-wife. I'm sure she wasn't at first, but she definitely is now.

jfoobar

In the state that I got divorced in, the separation (one year) is mandatory for all uncontested divorces. Annoyingly, it is not a legal separation if you continue to live under the same roof either. So much as one night spent under the same roof restarts the clock (legally anyway).

fujishig

What is the purpose of that law, if you don't mind me asking?

Toddarino

Well that’s unfortunate and stupid.

nickdawgy

Last night was fun. She tells me she’s turning off the camera in my daughters room (who is sleeping a few feet away) so she can take care of herself. She then proceeds to very loudly masturbate while talking to another guy (Australian this time, one of her other Onlyfans subs) on her phone. We got into it over her doing that near my daughter which she tried to justify by saying it’s okay because she was asleep. Then after a long argument she says she wants to take a shower so I offer them master bathroom. Which she accepts. Locks the bathroom and bedroom door. Then turns on all the fans in an effort to conceal the noise and masturbates again. Which again was very loud. She said “excuse me for having needs. I hadn’t masturbated in a week.” But we had just argued and to top it off, a mutual friends daughter was in the ER very sick last night. Not exactly the right conditions for self pleasure.

jfoobar

Probably to force prospective divorcees to reconsider I guess. The state is Maryland. It used to be for marriages in which one of the spouses did not want the divorce, the mandatory separation was two years but they shortened that to one year in 2011. In Maryland, he could theoretically try and hasten the divorce by trying to prove adultery, which I think is still grounds for what Maryland calls a "limited divorce", but then he is almost certainly looking at much higher legal fees.

FYI, there are 16 states (and DC) that have some sort of required waiting period before a divorce decree can be issued in no-fault divorces. A few are even longer than a year but most are 6 months.

Honestly, other than the onerous one year separation, I found that the process worked very well. The only significant legal cost was one spouse having to pay their lawyer to draft the separation agreement, assuming that the spouses more or less agree on what goes in there. The ultimate decree of divorce basically is a sheet of paper that goes on top of the original separation agreement after the court evaluates the agreement to make sure it seems fair to both parties. It is the separation agreement and not the divorce decree that divides up property, money, child custody, etc. so you basically have a year to come to an agreement with your ex about to do this instead of trying to rush it at the end.

I started dating almost immediately upon separation and very rarely ran into a woman who considered the fact that I was not yet divorced to be a deal breaker. In fact, I can only think of one woman with whom I wanted a second date who turned me down because I told her I was not yet legally divorced (something I did at the end of the first date and then only if I actually was interested in a second date). My now-wife dated me for months before my divorce was final. In fact, we were engaged before the divorce was final (it ended up taking several months longer than the required year to get it finalized).

sracer

That's a start.

If you are sincere in your sorrow... then you need to own up to what you did... that all of your words and actions were conscious and deliberate decisions on your part... and your part alone. (none of that, "you made me say those things, you made me do those things, I was stressed by life, etc.) Regardless of what your wife has done (those are things that she'll need to deal with), you need to put that sincere sorrow into action.

What does that look like? Confessing to your wife all the ways that you have hurt her, disrespected her, dishonored her, didn't cherish her, and were unloving to her (as best as you can remember). Ask her if there were any incidents that you forgot (or didn't know). Let her know that it was you and alone who is responsible for those things. Don't ask for forgiveness. THAT is manipulative. That puts a burden on her that shouldn't be placed on her. Let her know that you are so sorry that you deserve whatever she feels is her appropriate response for the way you treated her.... that you would willing accept it no matter what she decided.... THAT is how truly sorry you are about what you did.

If that means she wants to leave and get a divorce, then you should accept it and be willing to help her... because that is how truly sorry you are about how you treated her. If you are arguing with her, then you aren't sorry. You're still trying to get your way.

You mention that you're a narcissist. That is consistent with what you've written so far. Even that fly-by statement about googling how to commit suicide. Suicide is a terrible thing, especially for teens and those suffering from depression. But when someone in a jam of their own making and have people who rely on them, commits suicide, it becomes the final selfish narcissistic act... a way to escape the situation without having to own up to it... leaving the family left behind to deal with the aftermath. Sadly, I've seen this too many times.

If you are truly harboring suicidal thoughts (and not just some fleeting emotion), then seek out help ASAP.

Decker

You don't believe what she tells you about guys, and that's the right call. But you believe her when she tells you that she doesn't want or need a lawyer and that you can have full custody of the kids? You really shouldn't. She's not honest with you any more and she feels totally justified in that opinion.
It doesn't have to be contentious, and it should still be secondary to your physical and emotional well-being, but you need to get yourself an attorney, today.

nickdawgy

So am I wrong to think that it’s not only disgusting but annoying that she would pleasure herself on a call with another guy with my daughter in the room? I mean it’s not like she put her hand under the blanket and started going to town discreetly. She was loud and obnoxious. And she kept turning off the camera so I could check on my daughter (I thought someone was crying).

spainlinx0

It's a little trashy I guess, but I think it's something that shouldn't be at the forefront of your mind, although I can absolutely understand why that would be. She's going to do what she's going to do, and you need to focus on moving on, and also taking care of your children. What she gets up to with other guys is something you should actively block out of your thoughts because it's going to do nothing but drive you mad.

nickdawgy

It is making me angry. She has told these guys my name too and they know our last name. I cannot believe she would tell them that information.

Decker

Accept the fact that she wants to hurt you now. Whether you deserve it or not, she thinks this is Justified. Best thing you can do his not let it bother you too much. Or at least think about other, more important things like seeking out Mental Health Services and getting yourself legal representation.

Pharoh

I feel this is all almost too much, hence my disclaimers if what we're reading is true and accurate.

Having said, I am not sure I have ever heard a more telling case of pot meeting the kettle than her calling Nick a narcissist.

She is an egregious narcissist, while also being immature and in serious need of mental assistance. I will say it if nobody else will. You need to remove your children from the situation. It is neither healthy nor safe. Doubting you will, but immediately go to a lawyer and take your children with you. You now don't simply need to worry about her selfish self-destructive, non-loving behaviour, but also all the internet johns she is giving out your family's personal information to. Stop thinking about yourself completely for a moment and only about the children. Do this now.

danwiz

This thread goes downhill faster than a rolling stone. OMG!

Decker

clckworang

I'll agree with this. If this is all true, the woman has some serious problems. We all have needs, but come on. Of course, I wonder how much of it was also a show because she knew that he was watching.

Minor Threat

Mrs. Danger

Don't be so judgy about that. For some people, it's stress relief, and "bad times" are when they feel they need it most.

Although, the way you describe the situation makes it sound like she was deliberately annoying you.

Vibiana

Who's parenting your kids while she's masturbating and you're seething over her masturbating? I'm with Pharoh. One of you needs to grow up and be a parent. Get those kids and get them the hell out of there.

Please note that when this happens her motherly instincts as well as her pride will kick in and she'll fight you. This is why we've been telling you to get a fucking lawyer already. The things you'd never think about during the course of a marriage can turn into incredible boulders to climb over when you're splitting up.