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So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

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So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Old 07-25-21, 02:29 AM
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So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Just a note to start this, this is the very last thing that I wrote before posting. This will be a very long post, and if you've read the subject, you have a pretty good idea what it's about. If this offends you in any way, you know where the back button is. And lastly, please don't turn this thread into another argument about pronouns.

So I have 3 children, 12 year old twins, and the third will be 11 on Wednesday, all assigned female at birth. I believe I have posted all of this here before. What I haven't posted is that one of the twins came out as trans about a year and a half ago (Just FYI, they're not identical). He was always what we'd call a "tomboy", and I have probably posted stuff along those lines before as well. Still it was kind of a shock to the system as he came out at school in front of his class before he came out to us. We found out from his guidance councilor calling my wife to let us know that he had done this. He had told us not long before that he thought he was bi-sexual. Now being 10 years old at the time, I didn't know if he even understood the implications of what that meant. Still, taken with what we know from raising him, that wasn't entirely surprising, but we didn't know that he felt like he actually was a boy before that. Looking back on it though, there were tons of signs that we overlooked or dismissed. My wife even found a Facebook post she made when he was three or four years old that basically said something along the line of "*Name* says she's a boy, lol." He even chose a new name for himself even though his given name wasn't exactly feminine, and people often assumed he was a boy before they met him because of that.

Anyway, so he came out and we always accepted him and loved him, but even then we weren't sure if he understood what he was getting into, and even more so we were just concerned for how the world would treat him. He was already seeing a therapist for what we believe to be bipolar disorder, which were also signs we always saw about him, and that is something that his mother also struggles with, so we recognized the signs. Anyway, he started cutting his hair short and asked us to buy him a binder to cover up his breasts, which we did. He started wearing hoodies almost all the time, even in the summer, to better hide his body. He also asked us to look into hormone blockers, which honestly I didn't understand was not the same thing as hormone replacement therapy. This is the part where I start to feel like I didn't do my best for him as his dad. I didn't do the research that I should have. I was afraid of permanently changing his body and his voice on the word of a kid who was barely 11. I didn't understand that hormone blockers are exactly what they sound like, and it's not testosterone, it just blocks the estrogen and postpones the changes of puberty. I could have done that for him and given him some more time to figure out exactly who he wanted to be before his body changes too much either way. So we basically just went on the way that we were going for another year or so.

Let's rewind a sec to talk about me though. Now I had a perfectly normal childhood. Grew up playing with toy cars, watching Star Wars, reading comic books, etc. You know, "boy stuff." I never really played with Barbies, wore dresses, or anything like you might expect in a story like this. But still, I was very introverted, and had severe social anxiety about meeting and talking to new people, especially girls. I knew that I was interested in girls and not boys though, that was never a question, and still isn't. Around the age of puberty, I started to have fantasies about being a girl though. This was long before I started to have sexual thoughts about the subject (though those would come later). I always just told myself that I just wanted to see what it was like, which I think is a pretty normal thought that most people have at some point, but I obsessed about it. Seeing body swap movies like Freaky Friday, I also obsessed about that concept. I would pray almost every night that I would wake up in some woman's body sometimes it would be a girl or a woman that I know, other times it was a celebrity, or even just someone I had seen but didn't really know. My prayers would include the Freaky Friday concept, where we would swap back after a day or a weekend, after all, I just wanted to see what it was like, right? Deep down, I think I kinda felt like I might be okay if the swap back never happened.

I was also an extremely late comer to masturbation, I think I was 18 the first time I did it to completion. Again, I was very shy, introverted, naÔve, and not really sexually motivated. I mean I liked looking at Playboys and such, I liked the girls and and it got me erect, and I would touch myself, but I never really felt the motivation or the pleasure that would bring me to completion. The first time it happened, it was not planned, I was on the toilet reading an Amalgam comic. For those unfamiliar, this was a series of comics published by DC and Marvel in the late 90's where their characters merged, creating new "amalgam" characters. In this particular issue a male DC character and a female Marvel character merged into one female Amalgam character. This aroused me like nothing before, and I finished. From here I began to seek out this kind of material, mainly for the purposes of masturbation. I would seek out movies, comics, and books where body swaps or gender changes of another kind would take place. There was a website, which I won't list here, which compiled lists of transformation material of all sorts, but the types of changes I was interested in were filed under tg, short for transgender, of course. This was the first I had heard this word and I really didn't understand what it meant, I just knew that I really, really liked material of this sort. I would masturbate to other things, but even non-tg material became tg material to me. I would watch solo girl porn or lesbian porn and imagine that I was one of the girls. I would sometimes joke that I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body with my friends, but it was less of a joke to me than it was to them.

So even though this obsession had started before I had a single sexual thought, in my mind it became linked, and I thought of it as a weird sex fetish type thing that could never exist in reality. I never told a soul about this for fear of being outed as a weirdo. The only time I can even recall when it was close way before any sexual stuff, when I was watching Grease and repeated a line from Olivia Newton-John into a mirror and unbeknownst to me, my sister saw me and started laughing. This memory is still burned into my mind, even though I don't have many other memories from this time. I don't know exactly when it was, but it was definitely in our old house, which would make it pre fifth grade (probably about the same age as my own kid when he came out as trans). I just remember being extremely embarrassed and I remember hiding in the closet and screaming for her not to tell anyone. Looking back I don't know who she would have told or what it would have meant to them, but to me it felt like my world crashing down.

I continued to be extremely introverted all throughout college and beyond. I had dates here and there, hooked up exclusively through a friend, dating service or website. Very few second dates and no third dates though. I pretty much never asked a girl out on my own my entire life. The thought terrified me, and I was in therapy for social phobia, which I definitely had, but I never told my therapist my secret. Eventually I met my wife at the age of 27. I was introduced to her though my sister, whose roommate worked with my wife at the time. I had a fear of intimacy being this old with no experience, but she made it very easy for me, and didn't mind that I had basically no experience. While drunk, she also told me on something like our third date that she loved strip clubs, as in female strip clubs. This turned me on like crazy, as she had some lesbian inclinations. Strip clubs had also become an obsession of mine, but again, I would have the girl in my lap and be imagining myself as her. This stopped of course as soon as I became serious about my wife, though I did go with her to the clubs a handful of times and would buy her dances as I watched and pictured myself as the dancer. As we continued to date, I truly came to love her very much, and though we were opposites in many ways we complemented each other and it just felt "right" to be with her.

I finally told my her about my "fetish" when I basically had to, because I often had difficulty finishing inside of her, and when this happened I would go back to old thoughts to try and finish, picturing myself as her or as another woman. This was obviously often difficult to do and still try to give attention to her needs, and usually didn't work. She questioned me about it. What was wrong? Is it her? Am I not attracted to her? etc. I basically told her the truth and told her much of what I have summarized here, but I told her that it was a weird fetish that got into my head when I had no real world experience with girls but it was basically the only way that I knew how to finish, and it was hard to do that while taking care of her needs. I told her that I didn't know how to "unlearn" this, but I wanted to, and I only wanted to be with her. She asked if I was gay, I told her that I was not, at all. All of this was true, at least as I saw it at the time. She asked if I wanted to be a woman, if I wanted to a have an operation, etc. I told her that it's all fantasy stuff, and in all my fantasies I was a "real" woman, and that it's something that just cannot be. I said that if I had the operation, I would be an ugly woman (which I later learned is one of the most common things that trans people say to justify not taking any action) and that if I did it, I would probably only be looked at as a sexual partner by other transgender people, who still kinda weirded me out and I did not want to think that I was like them. She asked if I wanted her to do makeup for me, and I said, sure, if it's just for her, I wasn't going outside like that. And when she did she told me that I was right, I would be an ugly woman, which I laughed at with her, but inside it discouraged that part of me. This was all before we were even engaged, and we kinda just never talked about it after that.

Fast forward several years, we are married and she is pregnant with our twins. We still don't talk about it, and I still have the same difficulties. I have also gone back to masturbating to these type of things. I did give it up for a while, as I told her I would, but the urges came back, and I went back to indulging them. At this point I am using a program on my computer, I don't remember the name of it, to edit my face onto women's bodies, which I would then use to masturbate. We both shared this computer, but I would close the program, keep the files created with it in a hidden folder, etc. so that she wouldn't see them. She wasn't and isn't very computer savvy. On this particular evening I was going to a sporting event downtown with my friend one that I had been very much looking forward to, but I guess she wasn't home before I left and I took the opportunity to get off real quick before I went out with my friend. And as so often happens with these things, I was not in the right state of mind and left the program and the folder open on my desktop when I left. She of course finds this when she gets home and starts texting me and questioning me about it and getting upset with me, especially becuase she is carrying my twins at the time. I'm sure she feels like her world is crashing down at this point, meanwhile I am stuck at this event with my friend who I cannot talk to about this and I am miserable and feeling bad about myself and am unable to enjoy this event that I had been so looking forward to. My world is crashing down at the same time as hers.

Again, we had the same discussions, and I swore off it again, deleting the program and all of my files. Of course, this would all start again, and we would go back to not talking about it.

Now fast forward to a few months ago. We have been married for almost 14 years and our kids are all about to be in middle school. I discover the Reface app, and immediately begin using to to put my face onto women's bodies from movie clips, music videos, GIFs, etc. If you've never tried this app, it's basically like a really quick and easy deepfake app, but it's pretty amazing what it can do with one selfie. After making tons of these, I then see a few male videos that sound fun (Spider-Man, Indiana Jones) etc. and the results look really cool so I text them to my wife. She responds positively, so I do a few more. Then I take a risk on a Marilyn Monroe clip. My wife LOVES Marilyn Monroe. She reacts REALLY positively to this. I text her more of me as women, still mixed in with the men and she continues to respond positively to everything. Eventually she responds to one of the female videos with "Is it weird if this turns me on?" This is a huge flashing lightbulb in my brain, and I respond with "Not at all! It turns me on that it turns you on!" which was 100% true. I continue to send these to her, and eventually she asks me I would like to dress up for her. I told her that I had actually been thinking about asking her the same thing but was afraid to. I didn't know how we would do it though with it about to be summer and our kids would be home all the time.

We decided to book a hotel for our anniversary and have my mom watch the kids for the weekend. We begin to order outfits for me to wear in the hotel, and as this is all becoming real in my head (I had never really cross dressed apart from a few times I had put on my mom or my sisters bathing suits while they were sitting in the bathroom drying and wishing that I could have the body to fill it out for a while). My head is going wild and I begin to start google searching my feelings and I stumble across a few places, but mainly This blog and this entry in particular by a trans lesbian woman who goes by Cassie LaBelle and while it doesn't align with my experiences exactly, so much of it does that I break into tears reading it. I'm not a weirdo, other people have experiences strikingly similar to mine, and they are in fact trans women.

As this is going on I sort of begin to accept this truth about myself, it also scares the shit out of me. Will accepting this truth about myself make this better, or will it bring my whole world crashing down once and for all. I continue thinking about this without telling my wife, but it's making me so anxious and physically sick. She asks what's wrong, and I tell her the truth, that I'm questioning my gender. I sort of wish I could go back to how it was before. I was happy with my life, my job, my wife, my kids, and not uncomfortable being a man, but once I accepted this truth about myself I can't just put the genie back in the bottle. As Cassie describes in one of her blogs it's like "Red Pill" in the Matrix (which in itself is very much a trans story, which shouldn't be surprising, considering who wrote and directed it) there's just no going back to your ignorant bliss.

My wife asks if I want to cancel our weekend, and I told her no, that I very much wanted to go through with it, and see how it felt. She goes back to question if I'm gay, which again, I'm absolutely not, at least not a gay man. But I guess the truth is that I AM gay, just a gay woman. We talked it all out and I no longer have any secrets from her, which feels amazing. We are actually closer than we have ever been. We went though with the weekend, and we both had an amazing time, and I really feel like I want to do this more. In public even. It's not a kink, it's not a sex thing, it's just who I am. I just didn't realize it until just recently. I have not started any procedures, but I am in therapy with a new therapist who I am completely honest with and it feels great. I honestly feel like this road will lead to hormone replacement therapy at the very least (not sure I ever want the "bottom surgery", but I suppose that could change at some point in the future) but even that still scares me the shit out of me.

The good news is that my wife is with me to the end, even if she has some concerns that I may not want her anymore if I go though with this. I don't have any such concerns. I connect with her so deeply that I don't want or need anybody else. This is not about her, and it never was. It's about me, and my truth. As for where it goes from here, I guess we will see. Apart from my therapist, I have only told my wife, my kids (my son was very happy to learn that I am like him, and the other two were great about it), and my best friend since 6th grade (who is in fact gay, but I didn't know that about him until after college). I guess we both had secrets about ourselves that we held onto for too long. My wife and I are still great, and she loves buying me stuff to wear.

I did make the call to see what I need to do to get my son started on hormone blockers though, and I should have done it much sooner.

This is not an advice thread. I just put it here to tell somebody relatively safely and anonymously and just get it all out there. It just feels good to write it all out and have someone read it. If you made it to the end, thank you. If you have any questions, about anything, I am more than happy to answer them to the best of my ability (though I am just about the furthest thing from an authority on anything trans related).
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Old 07-25-21, 02:44 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

I am in your corner.

You.poured your soul out here and your vulnerability is admirable. It sounds like you are continuing to learn who you are, that you have a strong connection with your spouse, and you are leading with courage instead of fear. I'm really glad for you that you have these three things. The road ahead will likely have some challenging and some celebratory steps, in my limited experience with people who understand their identity in a new way.

I am glad to listen and glad there are people who habe loved you and supported you every step of your journey. I pray this continues for you on the journey ahead.
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Old 07-25-21, 03:01 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Good for you. Everyone deserves to be happy for being who they are. You are very fortunate to have such an understanding and supportive partner. And I am glad you are both so supportive of your son.
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Old 07-25-21, 06:27 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Nice read. I support you as well.
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Old 07-25-21, 09:15 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Thank you for sharing.

You have an awesome wife. I have friends whose spouses never forgave them for being trans. You will need to pay close attention to how she's feeling, because she's probably scared too.

The world is very different from how it was when you were a teenager. There are lots of new spaces for non-binary people. Religious conservatives hate it, and they loudly push back against it, but remember that they're a noisy, hateful minority.

Be a good parent. Your son is going to need your support.
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Old 07-25-21, 09:50 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

I support you as well.

I donít have any personal experience with this but I try to be supportive of the LGBTQ+ community even though I admit I donít understand ALL of it but I try to educate myself.
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Old 07-25-21, 10:18 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Godspeed Obi-Wan. I echo everyone’s sentiments, and you know you’ll always be supported - here and in real life. Keep being you, a good father, and a good husband.
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Old 07-25-21, 10:41 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Thank you for sharing the story of your journey with us. I support you!

​​​​​​I know it doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but try not to beat yourself up about how you handled your son's situation before you were prepared for it. As long as he knows he has your support now (and you have his!) then I think y'all will be alright.

​​​​​​You got this!
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Old 07-25-21, 10:46 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Not much to add other than support and positive vibes your way.
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Old 07-25-21, 10:59 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

I have a friend who transitioned several years ago. I will never forget the day that he (later she) told me. In fact, if you had told me beforehand that one of my male friends would come out as trans and asked me to rank them in terms of likelihood, this friend would have been right near the bottom. Not because he was especially macho, but because he always seemed to comfortable in his own skin to me. I just showed me how much I don't know what is going on inside other people's minds, even people we are close to.

Fast forward several years and she and her wife are still happily married with their three kids they had before she transitioned.
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Old 07-25-21, 11:00 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

You're so lucky to have such supportive wife and family. It sort of sounds a bit to me like you and your wife maybe both had your own issues (for lack of a better word) and have maybe matured enough to be open with them.

I don't have much to say that hasn't been said already. Be ready for great times and low times, but do what you need to do for yourself and your family. Stay open with them and most of all yourself.
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Old 07-25-21, 11:25 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

This was quite the unexpected surprise on a Sunday morning. Good for you and for your son for the support that is so important. I've never had any experience in this area in real life. I think our little Otter community is a bit closer now.
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Old 07-25-21, 11:38 AM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Hey.
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Old 07-25-21, 03:32 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

I'll keep your family in my heart. I have Trans friends and a squeeze or two in my past so I know the issues you're facing are complex. Otters have been here for me over the years ... I'm here for you. And if anybody gives you any shit, you have a pissed off plus size lesbian warrior in your corner.
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Old 07-25-21, 04:24 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

If faceless support from some internet schmuck means anything, you have it from me. Also congrats on supporting your son. It seems silly to say that, but it means a lot to have your parents in your corner and that doesn’t always happen unfortunately.
I truly wish you and your family all the best.
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Old 07-25-21, 05:05 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

You absolutely have my support (and my axe!). This is not an easy thing, even if itís a little better these days.

Itís hard on both you and your kid but I hope you can lend each other some strength in the coming times.
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Old 07-25-21, 05:31 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Thanks so much for all the kind words of support, it means a lot.

And I am very aware of how lucky I am to have my wife. I have told her this all the time since this started. If she hadn't been responsive to those texts, I probably would have just kept hiding it for the rest of my life, or until another slip up happened and we fought again.

Originally Posted by jfoobar View Post
Fast forward several years and she and her wife are still happily married with their three kids they had before she transitioned.
This in particular is so good to hear. Thank you for that, and my best to your friend and her family.
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Old 07-25-21, 05:41 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Although you and I rarely interact here, it must have taken a lot of courage for you to type that post and pour your heart and soul to strangers on a message board that you don't know personally. For that you have my utmost respect.

We only get one life. If you feel this is something you need to pursue to truly make you happy, then go for it. It sounds like you have a strong support system behind you. I know there are so many who have faced what you are going through, but don't have the support system or courage to come to terms with it and it's led them to severe depression and some to suicide. But, I'm happy that you have people in your life who will support whatever choice you make.

Last edited by DJariya; 07-25-21 at 05:46 PM.
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Old 07-25-21, 07:17 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

I can't say anything more than, or nearly as eloquently as, other posters, but many kudos on your courage, congratulations on finding such a wonderful life partner as your wife is, and thank you for being so supportive of your son. Children have so many more hurdles these days that are so huge and to have the support on something so important to their core being cannot be understated. As someone who sees the ramifications on children when they don't have that level of (or any) support, many thanks for being there for him/helping to raise a well-rounded, socially functional, ultimately very loved, human being.

Best wishes on everything you encounter, you, your son, or your whole family, on this journey.
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Obi-Wanma (07-25-21)
Old 07-25-21, 07:49 PM
  #20  
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

I wish you the best on your journey. One of my kids is non-binary, and I know several people who have transitioned and seem all the happier for it. Itís a better world when we can express who we are and not feel we have to conform to some kind of outdated societal expectations.
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Obi-Wanma (07-26-21)
Old 07-25-21, 09:32 PM
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Originally Posted by DJariya View Post
Although you and I rarely interact here, it must have taken a lot of courage for you to type that post and pour your heart and soul to strangers on a message board that you don't know personally. For that you have my utmost respect.

We only get one life. If you feel this is something you need to pursue to truly make you happy, then go for it. It sounds like you have a strong support system behind you. I know there are so many who have faced what you are going through, but don't have the support system or courage to come to terms with it and it's led them to severe depression and some to suicide. But, I'm happy that you have people in your life who will support whatever choice you make.
This is my take as well. Life is too short to be miserable and depressed. Be true to yourself, take care of your loved ones and take it one day at a time. Huge courage to post this.
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Obi-Wanma (07-26-21)
Old 07-26-21, 12:18 AM
  #22  
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

All of the above!

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Obi-Wanma (07-26-21)
Old 07-26-21, 09:47 AM
  #23  
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Do what you need to. Be happy.
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Obi-Wanma (07-26-21)
Old 07-26-21, 10:34 AM
  #24  
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share on here. I 100% support you! My son is transgender was assigned female at birth and I think you will find that we all know a lot more transgender people than we realize and once you talk about it openly you will find it's really quite common and normal.

If you end up seeking therapy for your son or yourself be careful in selecting one that is actually trained in Transgender issues. My wife and I found that many of the therapists out there offer this as a specialty but were not really specialists or very informed in the area and it made it a lot harder on my son than it should have been.
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Old 07-26-21, 01:06 PM
  #25  
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Re: So one of my kids is trans... and I think that I am too.

Agreed with everyone else on here. It's really good to see when someone can accept themselves, and be accepted by the people close to them. I'm glad we're finally getting to a place in this country where your children can feel comfortable enough to not have to hide who they are from everyone. I have very little experience in this area, but I am confident that life is better when happy and healthy and loved. You and your family seem really awesome.
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