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Bad Joke Thread

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Bad Joke Thread

Old 06-23-21, 11:50 AM
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Bad Joke Thread

Q: What's the difference between me and the US Mail?

A:
Spoiler:
I always deliver.


Thank you very much.
Old 06-23-21, 11:55 AM
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re: Bad Joke Thread

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Spoiler:
Because the road crossed the chicken!


That's from
Spoiler:
the movie Heist, with David Mamet dialogue well-delivered by Delroy Lindo.


Old 06-23-21, 12:00 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Remember when you were a kid, and dead baby jokes were all the rage?

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Spoiler:
Because it was stapled to the chicken.



Old 06-23-21, 12:30 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

A young new member of a big game hunting club was being introduced to all the long time members. “This is Sid.” Said the club host. “He’s the oldest member of the club. He’s 98 years old!

“Wow” said the young new member. “I bet you have a ton of amazing stories of big game hunting! Could you tell me a story?”

“Sure!” said Sid. “One time in 1946, I was hunting lions on the African Serengeti. I had been tracking two lions for days in the blazing hot sun to get a good shot. Finally I saw one of the lions and tracked him into the bush thicket. I got really close to where the lion was hiding. Just as I got right up into the bushes and took aim with my rifle I heard a rustling noise in the bushes. I got closer…and closer…and then….ROAR!! The lion jumped out of the bushes right on top of me! Well, I just shit my pants!”

“Wow” said the new member. “If a lion jumped out at me while I was hunting, I’d probably shit my pants too!”

”No” said Sid. “Not then. I just shit my pants right now when I said ‘roar’.”
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Old 06-23-21, 12:42 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Jesus was walking around Heaven one day when he saw an old man crying by the side of the road. "Tell me your troubles" said Jesus.
The old man said when he died and came to Heaven he began looking for his son. He knew his son would be here because he was such a good boy. Jesus asked the old man what his son looked like.
The old man said his son was average looking, but had holes in his hands and feet. Jesus looked at his hands and feet and then at the old man. "Father?" asked Jesus. The old man's eyes brightened as he yelled, "Pinnochio!"
Old 06-23-21, 12:55 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

A guy gets a job as a bus driver. He's told that as a newbie, he gets the worst route, and if he does well on it then he'll be promoted to driving the better routes.

He shows up at the depot, and is horrified to see that the bus he's to drive has a huge Sesame Street ad on it, with goofy pictures of Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie. Undeterred he starts the route, and at the first step are two very fat women. The first one gets on and says "My name is Patty", and she waddles to the back of the bus. The second one says "My name is Patty, too!", and she too waddles her way to a seat.

At the next stop is a mentally challenged young boy. He gets on and says "My name is Ross, and I'm special!"

At the third stop is a street kid with a boom box. He raps "Yo yo yo, what it be? My name is Lettie G!"

As the bus proceeds, Lettie G hangs his feet over the seat in front of him and begins picking at these nasty bunions on his feet. Totally disgusted, the driver kicks all the passengers from the bus, drives back to the depot, and quits. The supervisor says "Look, we told you you'd get the worst route."

The driver says, "Yeah, but I didn't know I'd be dealing with two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lettie G picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

Old 06-23-21, 01:01 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Originally Posted by GoldenJCJ View Post
A young new member of a big game hunting club was being introduced to all the long time members. “This is Sid.” Said the club host. “He’s the oldest member of the club. He’s 98 years old!

“Wow” said the young new member. “I bet you have a ton of amazing stories of big game hunting! Could you tell me a story?”

“Sure!” said Sid. “One time in 1946, I was hunting lions on the African Serengeti. I had been tracking two lions for days in the blazing hot sun to get a good shot. Finally I saw one of the lions and tracked him into the bush thicket. I got really close to where the lion was hiding. Just as I got right up into the bushes and took aim with my rifle I heard a rustling noise in the bushes. I got closer…and closer…and then….ROAR!! The lion jumped out of the bushes right on top of me! Well, I just shit my pants!”

“Wow” said the new member. “If a lion jumped out at me while I was hunting, I’d probably shit my pants too!”

”No” said Sid. “Not then. I just shit my pants right now when I said ‘roar’.”
Reminds me of another:

Three old men are at the retirement home, complaining about being old. First one says "I'd do anything to have a full flow piss, where I totally empty my bladder. All I get are little drops now"

Second one says, "You think you got it bad? I'd love to take a soft, pain-free shit. Every time I go to the toilet it's pure torture"

Third one says, "You guys are lucky. Every morning at 6AM sharp, I take a full flow piss and empty my bladder. Then at 6:30, it's a soft pain-free shit"

The other two say "What's so bad about that???? That's exactly what WE want!"

Third man says "Yeah, but I don't wake up till 7"
Old 06-23-21, 01:05 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn. He just didn't cut it.
Old 06-23-21, 01:16 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

I used to work at a parsley farm, but I got in trouble with the IRS and they garnished my wages.
Old 06-23-21, 01:18 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

I'm a mathematician but I hate negative numbers. I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Old 06-23-21, 01:23 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Originally Posted by cultshock View Post
Remember when you were a kid, and de
Yeah, I do and I'm glad those are no longer the rage. "Bad jokes" don't have to be tasteless. Come on, the thread just started!
Old 06-23-21, 01:47 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Plus I think Cultshock is conflating two jokes there. It wasn't the....(tasteless reference) stapled to the chicken. Why would it be?

Isn't it supposed to be a punk rocker? (usually safety pinned to the chicken). Or a kinky sex fiend?
Old 06-23-21, 02:07 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Originally Posted by story View Post
Yeah, I do and I'm glad those are no longer the rage. "Bad jokes" don't have to be tasteless. Come on, the thread just started!
Sorry that I offended your delicate sensibilities in a thread titled "Bad jokes".

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Old 06-23-21, 02:07 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Originally Posted by Paff View Post
Plus I think Cultshock is conflating two jokes there. It wasn't the....(tasteless reference) stapled to the chicken. Why would it be?

Isn't it supposed to be a punk rocker? (usually safety pinned to the chicken). Or a kinky sex fiend?
I dunno, I read it in a Stephen King book years ago and it's always stuck with me because it's so frigging stupid.
Old 06-23-21, 02:12 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread


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Old 06-23-21, 02:16 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

The proper form is HOW did the dead baby cross the road. He crossed it stapled to the chicken.
Old 06-23-21, 02:27 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

https://hinative.com/en-US/questions/4022748

Check out this thread.

English is such a funny language- imagine not being a native speaker and trying to figure out old jokes like this that we all know?
Old 06-23-21, 02:32 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Originally Posted by Alan Smithee View Post
The proper form is HOW did the dead baby cross the road. He crossed it stapled to the chicken.
Damn, you guys are brutal. Fine, no more dead baby jokes from me if I'm just gonna get bitched at.
Old 06-23-21, 02:43 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

I got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants. The pay isn't much, but the tips are tremendous.
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Old 06-23-21, 02:44 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Originally Posted by cultshock View Post
Sorry that I offended your delicate sensibilities in a thread titled "Bad jokes".
Okay. It's about my response, not the joke.
Old 06-23-21, 02:54 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

A mouse is walking through the jungle. Suddenly he hears a voice. "Hey mouse!". He looks around, then sees a big pit, and at the bottom of the pit is an elephant. The elephant says "I fell in this pit. Think you could help me out?"
The mouse says "Sure", and goes home and gets his Mercedes. He drives the Mercedes to the edge of the pit, ties a rope to the bumper, and pulls the elephant out.

A few days later, the elephant is walking by the same area, careful not to fall in the pit again, when he hears a voice. "Hey elephant!". He looks down, and there's the same mouse at the bottom of the same pit. "I was wondering how you could have fallen in this pit, and sure enough I did too. Since I helped you out, think you could do the same for me?"
The elephant says "Sure", and lowers his penis into the pit. The mouse grabs the elephant's penis, and climbs out of the pit.

What's the moral of that story? If you have a big dick, then you don't need a Mercedes.
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Old 06-23-21, 03:56 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is sleeping, with a duck under his arm.

The farmer proclaims loudly, "THIS IS THE PIG I'VE BEEN FUCKING!"

The wife abruptly wakes up, rubs her eyes, and screams to her husband, "THAT'S NOT A PIG, THAT'S A DUCK YOU MORAN!"

To which the farmer responds, "I WAS TALKING TO THE DUCK!"
Old 06-23-21, 04:19 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Irrelephant
Old 06-23-21, 04:42 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

This actually happened last weekend:

My parents, wife, brother, sister in law, nephew, and I were all at a restaurant.
When it came time to leave, we discussed changing the riding arrangements.
My mom asked my SiL if she could ride with her.
My SiL said, "No, the kayak is still in the back."
I said, "Mom, she can't have her kayak and seat you too."

---

Mr Johnson was talking to his friend about an amazing memory clinic he went to. Improved his memory and recall ability 10 fold.
His friend asked "I should check it out! What's it called?"
Johnson: "Um..um....*snaps fingers*...What's that flower, the red one, Valentine's, you know the one?"
Friend; "A rose?"
Johnson: "Yes! *leans over his shoulder to his wife* Rose, what's the name of that memory clinic I went to?"

---

Fancy restaurant always serves their eggs Benedict sauce on a nice little metal dish. Because, after all, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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Old 06-23-21, 05:07 PM
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Re: Bad Joke Thread

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:
To show the possum it could be done


Hear about the town where the population stays exactly the same year after year after year?

Spoiler:
Every time a baby's born some guy leaves town



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