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Having a tough time - Father passing away

Old 05-08-19, 10:19 PM
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Having a tough time - Father passing away

My father recently passed away, from old age and a shit-storm of illnesses. My mom is is not far behind.

Is there any advice from the "older" posters on how to deal with life without that emergency blanket? Do you just fucking die?
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Old 05-08-19, 10:28 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

I wish I had some more constructive advice, but will just say, that I *know*, I know, life is more difficult without that blanket. I miss both my folks tremendously, if only for the comforting ear and presence that they provided. In other words, two people who were kin, who really *cared* about you.

Things will get better, you move on, but the void always exists.
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Old 05-08-19, 10:33 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

My mom died in 2004. My dad is turning 93 next week. I am leaving for a visit with him on Saturday (he lives 875 miles away).

I have found a closer relationship with Daddy since my mother died. The only thing I can tell you is to treasure every moment with your mom. You don't know when it's the last one you're going to have.
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Old 05-08-19, 10:38 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

I'm so sorry for your loss. :-( I went through that a few years ago-- my stepdad got lung cancer, so I moved down from Alaska to be closer to mom. About a year later, she got pancreatic cancer. I quit my job to be her caregiver till she passed, which ended up being so unexpectedly soon. She was on hospice for only a couple of weeks before she died. I thought I'd go right back to work afterwards, but I spent several months doing nothing but lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I ended up temporarily hurting my back, likely because I was literally immobilized with grief. My mom was my best friend, and I still think of her every day. I STILL randomly start crying because she's gone, and it's been almost 5 years.

My advice is to be there as much as you can for your mom. You won't regret that.
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Old 05-08-19, 10:40 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

When my father passed away about 6 years ago, it was painful at first. What made it tolerable was that his final year of illness, leading to his death, was the family pulling together for him. No bullshit, we all set aside our differences and rallied around him until the end by taking him to all of his doctor appointments, transfusions, hospital stays. All of it. I think that's what kept and keeps everyone here sane to this day. I believe that if we had all been about ourselves and just brushed him off, we'd be giant messes - the regret would be unbearable. I do think about my old man everyday but it has gotten easier to plow forward through life since.

I can only recommend you being there for your mom for as much as you can. If you have to take time off work to go to/be at the hospital with her then do it. If you have siblings then everyone should come together for her.
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Old 05-08-19, 11:01 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

I'm sorry for your loss.

When my father died, I was glad that he was only sick for about a year. Two years before he died, he was climbing mountains, fishing, and playing pool. I've seen friends' parents suffer for a long, long time.

As for having to live without an emergency blanket, I can't answer that. I didn't have one to begin with.
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Old 05-09-19, 07:07 AM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Sorry for your loss TDD.
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Old 05-09-19, 07:48 AM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

I'm sorry for your loss.

My dad passed away suddenly about 2.5 years ago. I still have a voicemail my dad me about a week before he passed that I listen to from time to time. It's all very hard to deal with and you will always miss him.

But in time, you'll accept his passing and move on with your life. That's just how it is. My best advice right now is to let yourself grieve and do what you can to be there for your mom.
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Old 05-09-19, 07:59 AM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Both my parents have been gone for many years, you never get over the loss completely, they're always a part of your life, in your heart, in your memories. I still mourn their loss from time to time, I'll always miss them both. But you live your life regardless of the loss, do your best to honor them.
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Old 05-09-19, 01:41 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Unfortunately, there's no magic potion to deal with grief, and nobody deals with it the same way. Having other family members and friends around who are supportive certainly helps, and so does the passing of time. I think about my family (dad, mom, brother) often, and as kd5 said, I try to honor them by being a decent human being despite all my flaws. That probably sounds cliche as hell, but I can't think of anything else to say. My condolences and good luck to you and the rest of your family.
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Old 05-09-19, 02:24 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Accept my condolences for your loss. I don't think there is an alternative to parents in this world. Or even I can say there is no substitute for your blood relations in this world like your brothers, sisters and parents. You are going to miss your father but to make him happy in the afterlife, I would advise you to act upon his suggestions that you didn't follow in his life. Behave well with the people whom he was caring in his life. If you have siblings then, it is better to improve your relations with them. If you a big sibling then try to be a father for them or if you are younger one then start giving them respect like parents. That's all I can say to you. There is no compensation or words for your loss. Unrepairable loss :/
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Old 05-09-19, 03:04 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

So sorry to hear it. Mine are both gone these many years. Spend as much time as you possibly can with your mom. Be well.
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Old 05-09-19, 03:57 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Sorry for your loss 3DD. I lost both my parents in my 20's. Everyone deals with death differently and there is no one answer or remedy that will resolve your pain. Often, not even TIME. That's said, if it helps...Your Father would likely want you to go on and live life. You Honor him when you keep on living and being the best you can be. Remember him and remember that his purpose of raising you was served and he is no longer suffering.
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Old 05-09-19, 06:31 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Not much we say can help you. I lost my dad in 14 at 82 and mom in 17 at 85. Miss them both. Things will happen and I wish they were here to call and tell them. I visit the cemetery often. It is oddly comforting getting sympathy and support from family, friends and internet "friends". I was well into my 50's and both parents lived a good life so I took comfort in that. Better than friends who lost them very young. It becomes a new normal. You never really like it or forget it, but it does become tolerable.
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Old 05-09-19, 08:22 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Being an adult sucks. I’m biased, but my dad was absolutely amazing and a great ‘safety net’ as I grew up a big kid. Miss him every day. But I just try to make him proud. I mess up a lot, but keep on working at becoming a better man, and hope that he’d be proud of me. Praying for comfort and peace for you 3dd.
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Old 05-09-19, 08:26 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Hi, Three Day, welcome back, been a while. You're always welcome here.

I'm so sorry to hear your dad pssed away. I haven't been there personally, and I've seen many go through it, it can be very tough. I'm glad his pain is at an end, though now you have fresh pain yourself and that isn't easy. May you feel the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit in these early days of grief, the weeks and months to come, and for ten years from now when a random memory sparks fresh grief again.

Originally Posted by Three Day Delay View Post
Is there any advice from the "older" posters on how to deal with life without that emergency blanket? Do you just fucking die?
I haven't lost my parents in death, though rough patches that are bigger than I want to get into here can make the relationship tragically broken for a while. Not being able to reach out regard X because of a need to keep healthy boundaries on A, B, and C has been rough.

When I have times of missing that connection, I sometimes miss it in a form of mourning, and seek my comfort in other ways, usually starting with my spouse. Sometimes, we process the mourning, too, though not every time and I'll end up doing that on my own. Other times, I don't feel that mourning and I'm able to shrug and move on. It really depends. My therapist is great for this, too.

Regarding the death of a parent or special loved one and how to cope, I've been close to many who have had this through my work. It can be the worst. Some self-isolate, others self-destruct for a while. Some pretend it's nothing. Every once in a while, people right from the start know they need to move on, that it's okay to talk about it when you need to, and life has no guarantees - especially about whether it's hard - and they take all that wisdom with them into the next steps. Of the others I mentioned, most get there, though the pretenders get there last if at all.

Do you have someone to talk to about this? A good small group or therapist or clergy or best friend or an understanding significant other? I'm clergy, if you want to talk. I've listened to DVDTalkers over the phone over the years in the midst of tough times, if that's helpful to you, just send me a PM.
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Old 05-09-19, 08:52 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

My parents are aging, but still around. I am dreading the day they go, even more so if they get really sick first. Ugh. Condolences 3DD.
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Old 05-09-19, 09:35 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Originally Posted by Three Day Delay View Post
My father recently passed away, from old age and a shit-storm of illnesses. My mom is is not far behind.

Is there any advice from the "older" posters on how to deal with life without that emergency blanket? Do you just fucking die?
My deepest condolences, Delay. I'm not older (unless you consider 44 "older"), but my indescribably cherished dad died of a degenerative brain disease almost 10 years ago, and it was nothing less than completely crushing, though I honestly never got a proper chance to grieve. We were there at his bedside, and I did not find it comforting, as many people say they do, though the only solace is to think he sensed our broken-hearted love as he died.

Do you have a family of your own, as in a wife and kids? I don't, but imagine that would be a help to some extent, because it leaves you with something to return to, a secondary reality apart from your parents. Even a sibling or two, if you are close with them, can be a great comfort, and you for them. This is the time to lean on each other full-force. It must be doubly difficult that your dear mom seems close to the end as well.
I cannot offer any really good advice. One just has to somehow muddle through it, if that's possible for you. Oftentimes, to those of us who are especially close to our parents, it is tempting to just curl up and die. Your parents would undoubtedly want you to pick up the pieces and move on, but if you have no or scant other reasons to live, it is hard but to see death as an appealing prospect.

I wish you the best.
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Old 05-10-19, 05:17 AM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

If there was one small consolation for me was that both parents suffered before they died. So the ending was actually a relief. My father had a relatively quick but painful seven week battle with cancer. My mother had Parkinson's and ended up with the related dementia. She was begging for God to take for a couple years before she fell, broke a hip and died. Their passing was good for them. Their absence is always felt.

We are starting to go through the process with my in laws. My FIL is 86 and has fallen several times but has yet to break anything. My MIL is 82 but has asthma and has been in the hospital recently with pneumonia. You can tell just how frail they are getting. It could be 5 years, or we could get a phone call in 5 minutes. You never know at this stage of the game.

I am starting to realize how much grief my mom went through in her last years. Most of her friends, my father, and the rest of the family her age died already. Her friends still alive either moved to Florida or were caring for aging spouses or themselves. The loneliness was crippling for her. I think it's easier to be one of the first to go than one of the last. Even at this stage I see how small the family has gotten. My kids show no interest in relationships. One niece is married with kids. One niece would like to be married. Of two nephews one is autistic and the other is gay so no offspring there. Cousins are all in the wind.
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Old 05-10-19, 07:13 AM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

I am so sorry for your loss. It's tough. My Dad has been gone for twelve years now and my Mother will have been gone seven years this Summer. Everyday is hard. Even though I have a wonderful Wife and Child, I still feel like I am alone in the world. You just have to be strong and keep moving forward. It's ok if you have days you just cry your eyes out.

Sometimes just letting it all out helps the soul and gives you strength.
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Old 05-10-19, 08:03 AM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

December of 2002 my mom died. 4 hours later my girlfriendís dad died. Completely unrelated circumstances, but double the shock and grief. In ways it made it better to have someone else that understood exactly how I felt, in other ways it was worse. 2 funerals, our good days and bad days didnít always sync up, stuff like that. I developed the beginnings of a drinking problem but managed to pull myself out of that after about 6 months. That girlfriend and I got married 3 years later and have a kid now.
Those first couple of years were really rough. But month by month things slowly get better. Now, 18 years later, I actually miss the rawness of that grief in a strange way. Itís far enough in the past that memories are blurry, and I havenít shed a tear over it in years. What makes me sad now, more than anything else, is that my son never got to know either of them.
Your peace will come. Just take it a day at a time. Donít let yourself fall onto crutches like alcohol, it just makes things worse in the long run.
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Old 05-10-19, 12:38 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

your mom has been there for you all her life..its time for you both to recount the good times and bad, to laugh and cry. the beauty of her life with you and your dad is HER story and YOUR oxygen.
it's funny how life goes and the last story we know ..the last story we love...and the last story we covet, is our own.

wishing you all the best..*i know you will both smile <3 *
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Old 05-10-19, 02:39 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

Due to this thread I stopped by my parents grave today. Let mom know I was thinking of her for Mother's Day.
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Old 05-10-19, 02:49 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

My parents were 83 and 74 (dad mom) a few years ago. Relatively few health issues and my dad was still working. Then one morning, my mom had a stroke/heart attack. Though she stabilized and seemed on road to recovery, she had another heart attack in hospital next night and passed. 6 months later, my dad had a heart attack in his sleep and passed. I haven’t gotten over it. To make matters worse a few months after my dad passed, I underwent quadruple bypass. I recovered but I still haven’t “recovered” I’ve spent these last couple of years just consumed with thoughts of death, mortality etc. Its been so hard.
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Old 05-10-19, 03:10 PM
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away

So sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents when I was in my early 20s. I think about them all the time and I miss them tremendously but life goes on.

Cherish the times you had together and make the most of the remaining time you have with your mom.

Agree what others have said on letting yourself grieve and lean on friends and any extended family for support when needed.

Best wishes and hang in there.
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