Having a tough time - Father passing away
05-11-19, 08:22 PM
#26
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
Your first year is going to be the worst.
It'll be the first memorial day weekend, the first fourth of July, the first, well, you get the idea. If your family was big on Christmas (mine never was) you'll need to be careful. Then comes the first anniversary. But after all those firsts, you realize that you got through them, and you can move forward easier. It never stops being there, but it becomes part of life. You're not going to forget them, you're not going to let it go, but you'll find yourself thinking them in terms of the good times rather than the last few weeks or months, which, I'm sorry to say, will dominate your thoughts for a while. There's no way around any of this. You don't have to throw yourself into your work, or make elaborate gestures to commemorate them. Live your life, go to work, spend time with your friends, and be healthy.
It's been just over four years for me, and to be honest, I couldn't have written without breaking down three years ago, when I realized all of this for myself.
It'll be the first memorial day weekend, the first fourth of July, the first, well, you get the idea. If your family was big on Christmas (mine never was) you'll need to be careful. Then comes the first anniversary. But after all those firsts, you realize that you got through them, and you can move forward easier. It never stops being there, but it becomes part of life. You're not going to forget them, you're not going to let it go, but you'll find yourself thinking them in terms of the good times rather than the last few weeks or months, which, I'm sorry to say, will dominate your thoughts for a while. There's no way around any of this. You don't have to throw yourself into your work, or make elaborate gestures to commemorate them. Live your life, go to work, spend time with your friends, and be healthy.
It's been just over four years for me, and to be honest, I couldn't have written without breaking down three years ago, when I realized all of this for myself.
05-20-19, 02:31 AM
#27
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
Hey TDD. Sorry to have to say hello for the first time in X amount of years under these circumstances. My most heartfelt condolences to you, old friend.
My mother died in 2013 of stomach cancer at a young age. Just about the worst possible death imaginable. She hid it from me as I was living in Japan and she didn’t want to “bother” me, and it was only when she was hospitalized did I find out that she was ill. I was lucky in the fact that I got a chance to say goodbye to her and thank her for raising and loving me.
Like others have said, Time is really the best healer. The best thing you can do is remember that this is the order of life. Our parents pass on as their parents passed on, and as someday we shall pass on.
I had a baby son named Toshi in 2017. He died when he was six weeks old after an incredibly difficult pregnancy where I almost died after an emergency c-section. He was born at barely eight months and I lost 2/3rds of my blood. He died in his sleep of SIDS. His body just shut down and he stopped breathing. My world ended.
Grief is possibly the most difficult feeling there is. We all cope with it in different ways. I would recommend not bottling up your feelings and writing down positive memories you have of your father and detail how you are feeling. If you feel you need therapy to talk things out, don’t be ashamed to go. But at least allow yourself to experience this and know that you are not alone in your pain. There is no quick solution other than to make sure that you take care of yourself and don’t let your own self care fall by the wayside as can happen with a death or any depressive feelings.
PM me if you want and I’ll add you on Facebook if you need someone to talk to who has also lost and had to deal with navigating a new path in life.
Also, if you haven’t already, say everything you possibly can to your mother while she’s still around. For her and for you. You will value the memory of having told her. Maybe that’s obvious advice. I don’t know. But please take care of yourself.
My mother died in 2013 of stomach cancer at a young age. Just about the worst possible death imaginable. She hid it from me as I was living in Japan and she didn’t want to “bother” me, and it was only when she was hospitalized did I find out that she was ill. I was lucky in the fact that I got a chance to say goodbye to her and thank her for raising and loving me.
Like others have said, Time is really the best healer. The best thing you can do is remember that this is the order of life. Our parents pass on as their parents passed on, and as someday we shall pass on.
I had a baby son named Toshi in 2017. He died when he was six weeks old after an incredibly difficult pregnancy where I almost died after an emergency c-section. He was born at barely eight months and I lost 2/3rds of my blood. He died in his sleep of SIDS. His body just shut down and he stopped breathing. My world ended.
Grief is possibly the most difficult feeling there is. We all cope with it in different ways. I would recommend not bottling up your feelings and writing down positive memories you have of your father and detail how you are feeling. If you feel you need therapy to talk things out, don’t be ashamed to go. But at least allow yourself to experience this and know that you are not alone in your pain. There is no quick solution other than to make sure that you take care of yourself and don’t let your own self care fall by the wayside as can happen with a death or any depressive feelings.
PM me if you want and I’ll add you on Facebook if you need someone to talk to who has also lost and had to deal with navigating a new path in life.
Also, if you haven’t already, say everything you possibly can to your mother while she’s still around. For her and for you. You will value the memory of having told her. Maybe that’s obvious advice. I don’t know. But please take care of yourself.
10-02-19, 01:03 AM
#28
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
As some of you know, I don't visit the forum frequently. like I used to. It is incredibly touching to see the responses, particularly from old friends. Occasionally, I get a couple of extra beers in me and open up to you all, who I have been friends with for nearly 20 years...amazing!
Your offers of friendship and communication are greatly appreciated. I feel badly about not following up much, much sooner. I've been a bit of a wandering idiot for the last few months, which I think I am starting to pull away from. I received two incredible items from my Dad: a 1980's Japanese guitar that, apparantly, is a big deal among musicians. A neighbor/musician friend picked it up and played it (I don't play) and freaked out at the sound. The other is a 1950's steam engine (about 8 inches long) that he would rev up when I was a kid, so I could hear the steam whistle. When I was about 10, I asked him "when you die, can I have that engine?" Such an insensitive thing to ask, but he took it well.
Crystal, I'm so sorry about your son. That is heartbreaking. Though it has been many years since we have talked, please accept my sincere condolences. You'll always be a dear friend.
Story, I have had a tough time with faith, after a long, boring story in my teens and the church. I am just now recognizing that I may not "know" what I know, and is that where faith begins? Losing my Dad, as well as a niece and an employee in the last few months has bitten me to the core.
Six months later, I'm not really in a better spot. I'd love to say that "all is better now." I've been sitting on my inheritance because I didn't earn it. That's my father's money.
All of your stories are works of kindness, experience, time, and genuine thoughts. They are appreciated.
Your offers of friendship and communication are greatly appreciated. I feel badly about not following up much, much sooner. I've been a bit of a wandering idiot for the last few months, which I think I am starting to pull away from. I received two incredible items from my Dad: a 1980's Japanese guitar that, apparantly, is a big deal among musicians. A neighbor/musician friend picked it up and played it (I don't play) and freaked out at the sound. The other is a 1950's steam engine (about 8 inches long) that he would rev up when I was a kid, so I could hear the steam whistle. When I was about 10, I asked him "when you die, can I have that engine?" Such an insensitive thing to ask, but he took it well.
Crystal, I'm so sorry about your son. That is heartbreaking. Though it has been many years since we have talked, please accept my sincere condolences. You'll always be a dear friend.
Story, I have had a tough time with faith, after a long, boring story in my teens and the church. I am just now recognizing that I may not "know" what I know, and is that where faith begins? Losing my Dad, as well as a niece and an employee in the last few months has bitten me to the core.
Six months later, I'm not really in a better spot. I'd love to say that "all is better now." I've been sitting on my inheritance because I didn't earn it. That's my father's money.
All of your stories are works of kindness, experience, time, and genuine thoughts. They are appreciated.
10-02-19, 04:17 AM
#29
DVD Talk Hero
Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
Being a dad, I would want my kids to freely use anything I passed onto them, be it monetary or an item. I can't use it any more.
Maybe you could use the money for guitar lessons to learn to play your dad's guitar. I would guess he'd get a kick out of that.
Sorry about your loss. I no longer have my parents now. It was weird, at first, when I lost my last parent. They had adopted me, so I was back to being an orphan.
WhoGirl hasn't been around here lately after her brief return. But she's still active on Facebook. If you want to communicate directly to her, use a PM and she should get an email alert. Or I'd be happy to pass your message to her or, at the least, let her know you posted a response for her.
Maybe you could use the money for guitar lessons to learn to play your dad's guitar. I would guess he'd get a kick out of that.
Sorry about your loss. I no longer have my parents now. It was weird, at first, when I lost my last parent. They had adopted me, so I was back to being an orphan.
WhoGirl hasn't been around here lately after her brief return. But she's still active on Facebook. If you want to communicate directly to her, use a PM and she should get an email alert. Or I'd be happy to pass your message to her or, at the least, let her know you posted a response for her.
Last edited by TomOpus; 10-02-19 at 04:32 AM.
10-02-19, 08:40 AM
#30
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Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
Haven't posted here before because I still have my parents so I feel wrong talking to you guys. But I am really sorry for your loss. Just the thought of it makes me extremely sad and i know as time passes that day will come. And I just hope that one day I can be as good parent and human being as they were.. My sincere condolences and please to all keep on trucking
10-03-19, 09:35 AM
#32
Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
Three Day Delay, everyone copes with grief in their own way. You are in a fog due to the grief. You will always have that hole in you where your Dad once was. At some point the scar tissue starts to form and you can function more normally. If you feel like you're not getting to that point, grief counseling might be helpful to you. Talking about your Dad and getting some of these feelings out can help I think. Don't carry those heavy bags alone forever. I don't think your Dad would want that.
11-23-19, 10:31 AM
#35
DVD Talk Hero
Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
I think it's normal that you're still mourning your father.
A friend's mother died this Spring. The last time she talked to her mother was several years ago, and she ended the conversation by telling her mother, "That's it, I'm leaving. Call me when you want to be nice." The call never came. In the last week of her mother's life, her mother's friend begged her to have a pleasant conversation with her daughter, my friend, before she died. The mother refused.
Not surprisingly, my friend got over the death of her mother in a short time.
A friend's mother died this Spring. The last time she talked to her mother was several years ago, and she ended the conversation by telling her mother, "That's it, I'm leaving. Call me when you want to be nice." The call never came. In the last week of her mother's life, her mother's friend begged her to have a pleasant conversation with her daughter, my friend, before she died. The mother refused.
Not surprisingly, my friend got over the death of her mother in a short time.
11-23-19, 03:23 PM
#36
Moderator
Re: Having a tough time - Father passing away
Originally Posted by Three Day Delay
Thank you for your words. Thank you.
Originally Posted by Three Day Delay
Story, I have had a tough time with faith, after a long, boring story in my teens and the church. I am just now recognizing that I may not "know" what I know, and is that where faith begins? Losing my Dad, as well as a niece and an employee in the last few months has bitten me to the core.
Wow, lots of loss in there, and sounds like it's from all different circumstances and stages of life. That's incredibly hard, wow.
I hear you on the tough time with faith. My faith journey is all over the place, including a long period of being an atheist in my life, believe it or not. Yeah, I do think that faith is a process which includes knowing things and unknowing things, some construction and deconstruction along the way. Not everyone does it that way and if that works for them, great. But for many people, it's a process and tough patches don't make it easy. I don't mean to come off as cryptic, just acknowledging that a tough time with faith is normal, acceptable, and sometimes even healthy. To quote Yoda, "You must unlearn what you have learned." To quote the Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Destruction leads to a very rough road but it also breeds creation." And to quote Jesus, "Those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it." I guess I'll leave this paragraph by offering my three favorite four-word phrases:
1. That's a good question.
2. I don't know, either.
3. Let's explore it together.
Those three phrases have led me out of the tough and into the holy in my journey.
Edit to add: If you do have any connection with a local church, many are likely preparing to do what's sometimes called a "Blue Christmas" or "Service of Hope and Healing" sometime in December as people can really feel all the feels around the holidays after the loss of a loved one. You might look around to see if anyone in your area is doing one of these. It's also very likely there is a secular version of this in some form, as well. Just a thought.
Originally Posted by Three Day Delay
Six months later, I'm not really in a better spot. I'd love to say that "all is better now." I've been sitting on my inheritance because I didn't earn it. That's my father's money.
As for not really being in a better spot now, six or seven months later, I think I'll quote myself from earlier this year:
Originally Posted by story
Do you have someone to talk to about this? A good small group or therapist or clergy or best friend or an understanding significant other? I'm clergy, if you want to talk. I've listened to DVDTalkers over the phone over the years in the midst of tough times, if that's helpful to you, just send me a PM.
