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"Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

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"Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Old 06-22-17, 12:12 PM
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"Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

No, it's not your favorite dish at the local Chinese Restaurant (as far as you know). It's another chapter in the forum's long (and impressive) history of ballsnip stories.

I am forever grateful for kvrdave's testes and the knowledge that came along with his shared vasectomy experience. No frostbite here. That counts for a lot.

So naturally, that gratefulness makes me want to give back to the world what knowledge and experience I can now provide myself. As I just gained this valuable knowledge and experience a few weeks ago, I now offer what I can.




The story begins with me laying in an uncomfortably cool room being lathered in even more uncomfortably cool gelatin on my scrotal parts.

After this cool cleansing weirdness, things proceed as expected, with an injection. When he said "this is just a little prick" I now realize he wasn't referring to the injection. Double ouch. Injection complete and minor burning, he does a test touch with the blade. Nothing. Nothing at all. Good. Goooood.....

Then the incision begins and I let out a rather unmuted scream and do my best not to sit up.

You felt that?

YES I FELT THAT.

What did it feel like?

LIKE A KNIFE SLICING INTO MY BALLS?

Hmm... I apologize for that. We'd better wait a minute then. I'm going to numb this a little further.

YEAH. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD PLAN [tear runs down my face].

I'm sure if we had started at this point, things would have been about as expected. But now I'm incredibly tense. I'm already aching not only in my nether regions but in my skull from clenching my teeth in the early phase. Things proceed again and it's now nothing much... just weird sensations, the snip, and time to stitch back up. I can't shake the nervousness at this point, however. And I have a cramp in my back that certainly isn't helping.

It's taking a little longer than I expected to stitch up. And he keeps looking at it. And trying again. Stitch... tap. Tug tug tug. Look. Pause. Tap. Stitch... tap. I can tell things aren't closing up as he expects and his hesitation in each step makes me worry. But a couple more stitches and he's ready to move on. Phew. So I prepare myself mentally for ROUND TWO.

Round Two actually goes entirely according to plan. As I would expect, but again not as wonderful as it should have been because every step is also flooded with the memory of the first. But it wraps up quickly, stitches up very simply, and after peeling my sweaty butt up off the paper I'm ready to be on my way.



[INTERMISSION]





After arriving home to my sweet bag of frozen peas I lay down to rest in my comfortable bed (I never thought putting a frozen item on my nuts would be anything but horrific, but this is actually quite the relief).

Then I reach into my pants for a little adjustment... still numb, no big deal. And my hand comes out of my pants COVERED in blood. There was no mention of this in the paperwork.

Frantically I get out of bed and carefully pull my shorts out to get a look. Too much blood to even tell what's going on in there. I'm not supposed to shower yet, but I need to see what's going on. So I get a wet cloth and carefully clean what I can to have a look. Not as bad as it seems... just the little incision and clearly the stitching didn't do the trick. Blood begins to seep, but slowly.

I grab some gauze and place it on the wound with some Neosporin and pick up the phone. Obviously I want the doc to finish this job. But they are closed for the day. I was the last appointment, and it's friday, and they don't open until Monday. That is not great.

So naturally, my next stop is Doctor Google. Bleeding is common apparently. But how much? This seems excessive. A glance down and the gauze is now saturated so I again clean up and replace it.

My wife comes up to check on me. I'm doing fine. She would insist I go to the ER or urgent care right away, because she's really into doctors and stuff. The last two times I went in were for a cut finger, which cost me $600 to clean and put glue on (an easy DIY), and most recently to have my nuts sliced open and improperly stitched for about 2 grand. So yeah, believe me... I'm fine.

But when she goes back downstairs, I'm not fine. It's hard to put pressure on a sliced nut, and it takes pressure to stop bleeding. I find that delicate balance with an awkward pinch that I can't tell if it's helping or making it worse, and change out the gauze once again. The bathroom trash is looking scary at this point. But I'm more concerned about what's going on between my legs.

More google and contemplation of how far I let this go before I would give in and go to the ER. I decide on 5 hours, since I don't want to be there overnight. My wife would have to drive me. Fortunately the kids are at their grandma's.

3 hours, and definitely still bleeding. Google is dead. I'm binge watching 24 and Jack Bauer has it easy. I know that lifting the gauze to check on it is a bad idea, but it's too saturated to simply lay fresh gauze over the top, so I keep changing it. I'll have to figure out how to apply more pressure while still icing. But it does seem to be slowing. I think.

After 4 hours, things are definitely slowing down. I've been fine for the past 4 hours mind you, as my wife brings me a fresh bag of peas.

I'm tired at this point, and I do tell her to check on me in a bit. I've had a little bleeding which is normal, but I just don't want to bleed out and die from my nut sack while I sleep.

She laughs. I laugh only on the outside. And I don't fall asleep.

By 6 hours, it seems to have stopped. And indeed, it had. No ER trip was made, and from then on it was a relatively typical recovery. Rough and tender weekend and definitely not normal for over a week. But I eased back into a normal life with only the mental scars and a few slow-dissolving stitches to show for it.

You're welcome.

Last edited by Th0r S1mpson; 06-22-17 at 12:19 PM.
Old 06-22-17, 12:32 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Man, you guys have it rough with your clippings. Mine went as smoothly as my balls right before the procedure, no problems. Whatever they gave me beforehand to calm me was kind of fun, the procedure was relatively quick, and recovery was pretty simple. The after-procedure pain pills made me sick to my stomach, so I only took one of them. Otherwise, aside from some short-term tenderness, it was no big deal.
Old 06-22-17, 12:33 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I was never offered pills, before or after. Just Tylenol as needed.
Old 06-22-17, 12:51 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Good lord. No thanks. Not for me.

I think I'll take the risk of creating another mini me over going through what you did.
Old 06-22-17, 01:07 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I'll stick to sex with barren women.
Old 06-22-17, 01:24 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Mine was incident-free.

Old 06-22-17, 01:28 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I was crossing my legs and wincing the entire time I was reading your post, Th0r. Jeebus, I don't want to go through that.
Old 06-22-17, 01:37 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Don't you folks have the option for the non-scalpel type of vasectomy? Just a small puncture, rather than getting sliced open.
Old 06-22-17, 01:40 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Originally Posted by andicus View Post
Don't you folks have the option for the non-scalpel type of vasectomy? Just a small puncture, rather than getting sliced open.
Probably. I didn't do much research ahead of time. I mentioned to my primary doctor that I wanted a vasectomy. He said, "Oh, we do those here" and that was it.

In hindsight... there are places that specialize in just doing vasectomies. I'd look at those options.
Old 06-22-17, 01:47 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I'm going to get this done next week and now I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

But I'm going to a urologist. I'll go to my primary care physician for minor stuff, but I don't trust him to run the jewels.
Old 06-22-17, 01:51 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I'm sure it will be fine. I only know of one other horror story (resulting in permanent ball pain). But all my other friends had a relatively boring experience.
Old 06-22-17, 01:54 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Nope, nope, no way, no fuckin way.
Old 06-22-17, 02:03 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Thor, are you sure it wasn't just your first period?
Old 06-22-17, 03:11 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Old 06-22-17, 03:35 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Originally Posted by Th0r S1mpson View Post
Probably. I didn't do much research ahead of time. I mentioned to my primary doctor that I wanted a vasectomy. He said, "Oh, we do those here" and that was it.

In hindsight... there are places that specialize in just doing vasectomies. I'd look at those options.
Monday we had our primary physician excise some suspicious skin from Mrs Danger. He was so happy to be doing real doctoring, instead of filling out prescriptions and filling out referrals to specialists.

I took a video of the whole procedure. Did Mrs Simpson take a video of your adventures?
Old 06-22-17, 04:39 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I can't believe you didn't go to the ER or urgent care. Not exactly something I'd be wanting to take chances with. No fucking way I'd have that done now.
Old 06-22-17, 05:37 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Glad you were able to save $1k+ by not going to the ER, but hell, I'd be changing doctors now. Seems like he botched it... at least from a 'proper-technique' standpoint.

Your stalwartness is necessary in this day when a simple visit to the ER costs $1-2k. You would've been seen for 5-10 minutes, bandaged up, and sent home. And over $1000 poorer.
Old 06-22-17, 07:40 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

"... do you know how much you bleed when someone cuts off your balls?"
/Mississippi Burning
Old 06-22-17, 09:32 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Originally Posted by Nick Danger View Post

I took a video of the whole procedure. Did Mrs Simpson take a video of your adventures?
This post is useless without video!
Old 06-22-17, 09:54 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I've been meaning to get one for a few years now and just got lazy. Since me and my wife are in our late 30's and don't have kids I had to get a note from our doctor saying he had spoken to us and had ok'd the procedure. I got the note like a year ago and completely forgot about it.
Old 06-22-17, 09:57 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I had some kind of mental distress from the knowledge that I was being cut into, gave me the green apple splatters like when I give blood.

But once that was done I was pretty clear.

It's been about 4 years and I couldn't be happier every time the wife and I ride free and natural without any worries.
Old 06-22-17, 11:14 PM
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Old 06-23-17, 07:21 AM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

Originally Posted by Abob Teff View Post
Thor, are you sure it wasn't just your first period?
Are you saying our little Thor is a woman now?
Old 06-23-17, 07:37 PM
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Old 06-23-17, 10:41 PM
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Re: "Da Vasectomy Delight" Talk

I know her!

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