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*sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

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*sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Old 10-19-16, 11:33 AM
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*sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

This post is mostly a rant because I know what I need to do but I just don't have the guts to do it because it will most likely kill the friendship.

I have a friend who in 2013 fell into a depression nose dive and in 2014 lost their job. They coasted on their savings until it was all gone and was about to be homeless. I talked it over with my husband, and since they were a good friend in a bad place at the moment, we give them money to pay rent and pay back bills. It was suppose to be a one time thing, a gift.

In 2015 said person finally got out of the depression drain and managed to get a job. Sadly it was in retail but it was better than nothing. Since then though they've been hitting me up monthly for help with rent. I've been helping since I was in a better financial situation then them but I feel I can't anymore. We have a kid now and a house and those things cost. Excluding the one time gift its been 18K.

What is the best way to stop this and maintain a friendship? (is it even possible?) Said person is a good person but just keeps getting a raw deal month after month. (brother has cancer, boyfriend is now in rehab, credit shot to hell so can't get a better than retail job, own health issues etc.)

*sigh*
Old 10-19-16, 11:43 AM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by squidget View Post
Excluding the one time gift its been 18K.
Damn.

All I can suggest is to let them know you just can't do it any more. They'll probably be upset about it. They'll probably give excuses as to why you should keep helping. They'll probably get very angry when you don't, saying you're a bad friend, you're "too good" for them now, etc.
The friendship will most likely suffer, definitely in the short term, but maybe long term as well... but keep your cool. Don't argue back, just stand firm. You can't do it, and you're sorry. If/when they end up in a better situation, they might even contact you to say thanks for being so kind, but if it turns into a fight now, it'll be much harder to heal the friendship if or when you go down that road.

I'm not sure if you consider the 18K to be a loan or a gift, but... I wouldn't ever expect to get that money back. You probably weren't expecting it anyway, but... yeah. It's gone. Even when they get their finances sorted out, chances are they won't be paying you back, so don't expect it. Otherwise, you'll just be even more disappointed.

It'll be rough, but worth it. I feel for you.
Old 10-19-16, 11:44 AM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by squidget View Post
We have a kid now and a house and those things cost.
I would lay that out to them, you have responsibilities that are a priority, and that you didn't mind helping them out, you can no longer do so as it would put your family in jeopardy.

A good friend will understand and appreciate what you've done.

If they flip out and decided to end their friendship with you, not much of a friend.
Old 10-19-16, 11:55 AM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by JoeyOhhhh View Post
I would lay that out to them, you have responsibilities that are a priority, and that you didn't mind helping them out, you can no longer do so as it would put your family in jeopardy.

A good friend will understand and appreciate what you've done.

If they flip out and decided to end their friendship with you, not much of a friend.
I agree with this.

No need to be afraid of losing them as friends... because if you do lose them over money - then you're better off without them anyway. My only concern would be them paying you back. 18k is not chump change at all. That's some decent coin.
Old 10-19-16, 12:01 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by JoeyOhhhh View Post
If they flip out and decided to end their friendship with you, not much of a friend.
I wouldn't necessarily say that. I mean... yes... it's not "good friend" behavior to convince your friends to give you a lot of money without the prospect of paying them back, but...

this friend is about to be back in an incredibly difficult situation; even more than currently. They're going to be sad. They're probably going to be angry. None of this is squidget's fault, of course, but more than likely, they're going to think of squidget as an asshole, at least until they have some time to cool off and realize just how much they've been helped. That's why I think squidget should stand firm on the decision, but not to allow the friend to turn it into a fight. In time, they may be able to keep the friendship, if it really is important to both of them.
Old 10-19-16, 12:03 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Why is their credit keeping them from getting a job better than retail? Do that many jobs run a credit check on you?

Whether or not they stay your friend is up to them. They should be your loyal servant after getting 18K+...
Old 10-19-16, 12:08 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by Krayzie View Post
Why is their credit keeping them from getting a job better than retail? Do that many jobs run a credit check on you?

Whether or not they stay your friend is up to them. They should be your loyal servant after getting 18K+...
pretty much yes. Especially since their work experience until 2014 was all in financial services. So any jobs that relate to their experience will run a credit check.
Old 10-19-16, 12:09 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by JoeyOhhhh View Post
I would lay that out to them, you have responsibilities that are a priority, and that you didn't mind helping them out, you can no longer do so as it would put your family in jeopardy.

A good friend will understand and appreciate what you've done.

If they flip out and decided to end their friendship with you, not much of a friend.
Thanks, I know this is something I need to do. It's good though to hear it coming from other places outside my head.
Old 10-19-16, 12:10 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by Coral View Post
I agree with this.

No need to be afraid of losing them as friends... because if you do lose them over money - then you're better off without them anyway. My only concern would be them paying you back. 18k is not chump change at all. That's some decent coin.
I actually have no expectation of them paying me back. Stopping the bleed is more important to me then payback.
Old 10-19-16, 12:11 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

I'm surprised this hasn't been asked yet.

Will you be my friend, squidget?
Old 10-19-16, 12:12 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by Cardsfan111 View Post
I'm surprised this hasn't been asked yet.

Will you be my friend, squidget?
LOL! I can't afford anymore friends.
Old 10-19-16, 12:17 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

It might just be me but it sounds like your friend has been taking advantage of your generosity.
Old 10-19-16, 12:26 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by Krayzie View Post
It might just be me but it sounds like your friend has been taking advantage of your generosity.
No shit. $18K? Jesus.
Old 10-19-16, 12:37 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Unless they think you're well off to the point of being rich, I'd already consider them less than a friend, sadly. I'd find a way to move in with family or something similar if my situation was that bad. I would never try to leverage a friend for cash.
Old 10-19-16, 12:37 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

If you gave them 18K and they do not want to remain your friend then you are far better off.
Old 10-19-16, 12:38 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

People add, subtract, or divide from our lives, and this friend is definitely subtracting. If you can't handle the confrontation, you can just silently cut them out of your life. If you want to remain friends, you have to deal with the confrontation and see what happens.
Old 10-19-16, 12:52 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

It will cost you 18k to get rid of them...if you stop NOW...

BTW, SQUIDGET!!!
Old 10-19-16, 01:05 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Help your friend get a second job and keep looking for better paying jobs even if it's not in whatever field they were in previously. A lot of work experience is transferable to other fields, you just have to know how to market yourself.
Old 10-19-16, 01:05 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Reminder that the $18k excluded the one time gift...so it's more than $18k.

Does your friend know how much the total had become? Sometimes with their life in turmoil, they may not being thinking clearly.

squidget, you have a heart of gold. Your friend was lucky to have you as a friend. I don't know how this will work out. Don't feel guilty if the friendship goes south. You've done more than enough. They need to figure things out for themselves. Tough love!
Old 10-19-16, 01:21 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by Giantrobo View Post
It will cost you 18k to get rid of them...if you stop NOW...

BTW, SQUIDGET!!!
Robo, what up!? It's been awhile for me I know. Good to see some of the "old folk" are still around.
Old 10-19-16, 01:24 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by TomOpus View Post
Reminder that the $18k excluded the one time gift...so it's more than $18k.

Does your friend know how much the total had become? Sometimes with their life in turmoil, they may not being thinking clearly.

squidget, you have a heart of gold. Your friend was lucky to have you as a friend. I don't know how this will work out. Don't feel guilty if the friendship goes south. You've done more than enough. They need to figure things out for themselves. Tough love!
I try to think the best of people. t's been about a year and half. I don't think they realize how much they have borrowed. Hell, I didn't realize how much it was until I added it up today. I plan to have a sit down before they hit me up next (which is usually around the 1st of the month). Thanks everyone. This has been weighing on me for sometime, mostly guilt and a little fear.
Old 10-19-16, 01:32 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Out of curiosity, what does your husband think about this friend, and giving them money?
Old 10-19-16, 01:32 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by JoeyOhhhh View Post

If they flip out and decided to end their friendship with you, not much of a friend.
Originally Posted by Brian Shannon View Post
If you gave them 18K and they do not want to remain your friend then you are far better off.
Agree & agree.

I get that hearing you aren't able to help may create a stressful situation for them but you aren't the reason all this happened. Think where he/she would be if you hadn't provided all the help & support you had?

If he/she reacts harshly or negatively, no point in arguing. Walk away and don't look back.
Old 10-19-16, 01:36 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by Mikael79 View Post
Out of curiosity, what does your husband think about this friend, and giving them money?
another conversation. I mentioned in passing here and there and he nodded but he was paying less attention and I didn't mention it every time (my fault I know). I need to tell him as well what the total amount to date has been.
*sigh* *sigh* *sigh*
Old 10-19-16, 01:36 PM
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Re: *sigh* been giving a friend money, need to get out of it

Originally Posted by squidget View Post
I try to think the best of people. t's been about a year and half. I don't think they realize how much they have borrowed.
Borrowed?

Are you really expecting any of this money back?

You are allowing them to drag you down to their level.

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