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Need a wordsmith...

Old 12-08-15, 06:19 PM
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Need a wordsmith...

I need to draft a paragraph encouraging members of other teams within the software Support Dept. to volunteer to be part of an after-hours on-call rotation. I need to sell the benefits (extra money, career growth/development, etc.). I need to convey the need (because the primary team has lost members) without making them think I don't care about their own team's needs, while also stressing it's a good career decision for them. Anyone wanna get me started?
Old 12-08-15, 06:25 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

And if you can incorporate any Star Wars metaphors, even better.
Old 12-08-15, 06:26 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Shit, I can't help, I do on-call sometimes and absolutely detest it. There's nothing that would sell it for me, other than I have to take a turn sometimes or I'd likely be let go if I refused.
Old 12-08-15, 06:30 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

If you want to pay me my hourly rate, sure.
Old 12-08-15, 06:33 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

It's the worst... Thus my need for some creative writing. Lol
Old 12-08-15, 06:39 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Here you go...

Dear Employees,

You need to volunteer for the after-hours on-call rotation or you will be considered for termination.

Best Regards,
Patrick G
Old 12-08-15, 06:46 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

I would start with "Hey, how are all you Redskins doing?"
Old 12-08-15, 06:47 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Nude women and free beer in the I T Room.

Old 12-08-15, 06:49 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Originally Posted by Troy Stiffler View Post
Here you go...
Old 12-08-15, 06:50 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Hey nerds,

If you volunteer for this stupid shit you might actually get to feel a real female human booby some day.

Patrick

ps: probably not though
Old 12-08-15, 07:00 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Dear members of other teams: Please volunteer to help the primary team cover up its losses due to relentless cost-cutting. No, it's really not your problem, but we could make it your problem.

Patrick G.
Old 12-08-15, 07:02 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Originally Posted by Troy Stiffler View Post
Here you go...
Awesome. Although, not quite what I'm looking for. ;-)
Old 12-08-15, 07:10 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Dear Employees,

Do you like your job? Do you want to keep it? That's cool.

Totally unrelated, (spiel about on call list)

I really hope you sign up. Your family does too.

Peace out, nerds,
Patty
Old 12-08-15, 08:07 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Dear Employees,

You need to volunteer for the after-hours on-call rotation or you will be considered for termination. May the force be with you. Luke would do this. Actually, no he wouldn't because he wouldn't work in a shit outfit like this, but you're never going to be Luke. At best you're Jar-Jar. You think that's bad? Brad in IT is more like Jabba the fucking Hut with his pizza face and 300 lb torso.

Help out. Or not, I really don't give a shit. Peace out.

Best Regards,
Patrick G
Old 12-08-15, 08:10 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Here, this can serve as a good template.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? Iíll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Iíve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Iím the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youíre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thatís just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little ďcleverĒ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnít, you didnít, and now youíre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youíre fucking dead, kiddo.

-- Patrick G
Old 12-08-15, 08:16 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Outsource your tech support to India. It's the American way.

Old 12-08-15, 08:17 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

^^
Old 12-08-15, 08:22 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Dear Employees,

Free beer and Princess Leia-dressed chicks when you volunteer your time. Hairy Bear-looking males provided on request.

Happy Holidays,

Patrick G.
Old 12-08-15, 08:49 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

PM me details. No, I'm actually being serious for a change.

On a less serious note, you need to change your second post to read "Thank you to the DVDTalkers who posted/signed up below for the on call over time list."

Last edited by Abob Teff; 12-09-15 at 12:42 AM.
Old 12-08-15, 08:56 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

I have time and I'm good at imitating an Indian accent. If you pay me time and a half in USD, I'm available. Just one thing though, I work alone, so none of that team nonsense. Thanks.
Old 12-08-15, 09:08 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Originally Posted by eXcentris View Post
I have time and I'm good at imitating an Indian accent. If you pay me time and a half in USD, I'm available. Just one thing though, I work alone, so none of that team nonsense. Thanks.
F that. I'll do it for 75% of whatever Patrick's company would pay them, on average.
Old 12-08-15, 09:15 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Old 12-08-15, 09:16 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

1. How much do they earn for doing how many hours of this shit you're proposing?

2. It's a big ask to ask this in December. I imagine you realize that.

Maybe play up that angle. "Hey guys! Need extra money to make ends meet after blowing all your money on gifts for the family and Force Awakens tix? Well we are now offering a career building opportunity that pays. Don't be a Jar-jar, be something cool like a Wampa and work a few extra hours. It pays, and our Bothan spies will be watching and reporting your initiative."

There you go. You're fucking welcome, slave driver.
Old 12-08-15, 09:23 PM
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Re: Need a wordsmith...

Originally Posted by Mabuse View Post
1. How much do they earn for doing how many hours of this shit you're proposing?

2. It's a big ask to ask this in December. I imagine you realize that.

Maybe play up that angle. "Hey guys! Need extra money to make ends meet after blowing all your money on gifts for the family and Force Awakens tix? Well we are now offering a career building opportunity that pays. Don't be a Jar-jar, be something cool like a Wampa and work a few extra hours. It pays, and our Bothan spies will be watching and reporting your initiative."

There you go. You're fucking welcome, slave driver.
Getting better!

1. Time-and-a-half plus a per diem
2. Timing sucks yes, but it's not just December. They would be part of the weekly rotation for 2016.

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