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Solid Snake 12-06-15 02:10 PM

Are you happy with your life?
 
Cuz I know I'm not. I haven't been. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

It's something I purposefully kind of run away from thinking about. Staying busy w/ jobs, my hobbies, people, etc.

But lately? I've come to a point where I have to face it. I've run out of things to take my time. I could say this is depression. And it may be. It probably is. But it's something I just truck through cuz I don't have time to mope around. I loathe thinking about those kinds of things. It always ends up back to where it always does. I'm just not happy where my life took me. Where I am now? I brought myself here but it's only because it was much better than being back home.

My father died in 1999, I was 13. I had to become the man of house, actually the ranch too. My mother became a very weak and timid person w/o my father. I had to take care of the ranch. Whatever goals I had for my future they were not possible for me ever again cuz I had to take care of my mum and sister. My sister got the "normal" teenage experience and adulthood. I had to focus on survival so much. etc.

I've done ok. Almost amazing at times w/ what I'll do to survive. But... I'm not sure what I really want anymore. My mum is getting older and it damn near kills me seeing her age worse and worse when I see her. My sister never had to risk her goals. She didn't sacrifice anything to get where she was. And I can't not be jealous of that. She acknowledges it now but the past is the past. It's built me to be somewhere in my life that I don't really know what to do. I just have it in the back of my head that my mother is going to do die at some point, which is true of anyone, but that I'm going to have to handle it. Just the whole situation. I'm not really I can handle that. I just don't think I can. Cuz I'm the only one that built themselves up to be the lead of it all. And I'm tired. I'm tired of having to take charge. It's just not me. But if I don't do it, nobody will. My reason to move away was to just force it be my mother's responsibility. To essentially pick herself up and survive w/o me. We lost the ranch when I moved away. I was working pretty much just to pay for it. IRS took that. I had to face them and beg them to not do it. It was my weakest moment. Begging someone. It damn near killed me having to beg them to not take our home, right there on the property. I thought I was going to have heart attack w/ all that happening. I was begging them to let us keep the ranch.

To make it worse, from what I'm told. Legally... none of that should have happened somehow. My mum got a lawyer and nothing really moved. She fell into worse debt and she's in a financial hole that I dare not even try to figure out.

I blame myself for doing that. It's not my fault. It should have never been my responsibility anyway. But it became that. We lost everything my father dreamed of for the family.

My mother lives w/ a family friend in a crappy house. W/ all our old stuff there. It ALMOST looks like a hoarding situation. But it's not. It still looks better than Alan Smithee's shithole. And they're fine w/ it. I get sad when I visit her. I hate going back home. I only do it to be the good son. To make it worse, I'm the prodigal son. I don't feel that way either. For all her love of me, I don't have any for her. Maybe pity. I think the anger comes and goes. I act the part of a good son. But I'm only there for commitment of family. I'm so goddamn jealous of my sister though for not having to be the oldest kid. I got screwed on that one. I had to throw whatever hopes I had in that time and just focus on keeping the family alive. All I know really is to survive. And I'm damn near master of it but there's purpose beyond that.

I go out and waste time. But it's all wasting time really. Nothing really makes me happy. I'm not passionate about anything. Except for maybe knowledge. But it's just an interest that comes and goes in certain things.

Sometimes I think I should just leave everything and go. Just sell off all my shit and leave the country. Leave my family. Leave my friends. Tell nobody maybe. Just start over somewhere where I'm not in anyway connected to my past.

Honestly I'm not afraid of dying. I may be afraid of HOW that goes but if I died right now. I'd be fine w/ it. I'm 29. And my 20s have been so hard for me. My greatest period was fall 2008- fall 2010. I could say that right there. I had some glimmer of hope of a future to look forward to.

The one thing that my father never wanted me to do was to become him in some way. He didn't want me to struggle like he did. He wanted me to become someone who didn't have to risk it all to survive. And I have. So many goddamn times. And it hurts me that I had to be who I am today. That kid back in 1999 was extremely happy and hopeful. He saw his whole fucking future and he was going to take it. Today? I think of shooting myself in the head every goddamn day when I wake up just out of spite almost. Just to motivate me almost. But I don't. Cuz... I want to see wtf happens next. To see wtf can get my attention today. If I can find what I want. I seriously don't see a future for me. I don't know WTF I'm doing in my 30s or 40s or 50s. Not even a goddamn sliver of an idea as to what I could be doing. I take it day by day. I just don't really like anything. I could continue w/ what I'm doing now and for others that'd be fine but... I only took it to do something cuz it was better than doing nothing essentially. People are jealous of my life at times but I've just become so goddamn good at achieving to get where I am that I am viewed as a success. I'm not that though. That's just the outside. The inner gears in my head are tired. They're fractured.

I don't have goals really. Just to survive. It's the one thing that I only do what I do now cuz it was just to fucking do something to get away and it was a great thing to do. But... I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've no purpose.

I'm seriously thinking about either leaving the country. Maybe joining the army. Still within the age limit, I'm told, and apparently over fucking qualified in all ways for it. Or fuck if I know anymore. Just so that I can essentially force myself to be put in a situation where I can start again almost. Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.

Maybe leaving it all and starting over is what I need. My lease is up in July. I'm seriously trying to figure it out by point. That's my "time limit" of figuring it all out. I dunno.

Anyway... that's my fucking rant.

Here's a gif:


mrhan 12-06-15 02:19 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Forget it's a car commercial...just listen to the old people. Quite bitching. I didn't know you were a chick. :)

<iframe width="854" height="480" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JKKlqMs19tU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Mike86 12-06-15 02:21 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Sorry to hear all that man. Hopefully you get whatever help you need or find the will to be happy again. I know I'm not giving a ton of input given all of what you wrote but I guess I'm not sure what else to say. I think I've had mild depression but nowhere near the level you're at (mine mostly relates to not being happy with my job and being single at my age while many friends and relatives are either married or in relationships).

Nth Power 12-06-15 03:14 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I feel for you, Snake. I hope you find something to get you going. I still haven't found it and I'm 41. I was getting pretty depressed when I was unemployed and living in a crappy rental. Once I got a job and moved to a better place my mood improved but I'm still generally unmotivated and uninspired. I just take things day by day, but I'm not doing anything really meaningful with my life.

My father died a few years ago and my mom is on her own, which makes me kind of sad. I'm out of state, so I worry sometimes but I don't have a close family. We talk occasionally, but nothing really in common. Luckily she's pretty healthy and self sufficient.

Maybe starting over is what you need. Or just getting out of your comfort zone and trying something different.


Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
It still looks better than Alan Smithee's shithole.

Maybe he will give you his windmill to decorate your balcony.

Lt Ripley 12-06-15 03:24 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Just make sure the "goals" you set are not goals you think society says you should aim for. A simple life is not a bad thing.

You tried talking to a pro about your feelings?

Matto1020 12-06-15 03:43 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
My twenties were my least favorite decade thus far (I'm currently 33). Everything was a struggle and I made some pretty stupid mistakes. That being said, my thirties have been great... it's a time where you really kind of know yourself and have a gameplan.

While leaving the country may not be the best decision, maybe relocate to a different city. I moved to Chicago in my 20s and it was a great experience... but just this past fall I packed up again and moved to New York for the hell of it and to switch things up. It's amazing how much a new city can revitalize you and give you a sense of either starting over or seriously taking the next step.

Hang in there dude!

rbrown498 12-06-15 05:05 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Sometimes I think I should just leave everything and go. Just sell off all my shit and leave the country. Leave my family. Leave my friends. Tell nobody maybe. Just start over somewhere where I'm not in anyway connected to my past.

One of my favorite quotes from my favorite book (Illusions by Richard Bach) goes, "There is no problem so big that it cannot be run away from." Here are a few pointers:

1. Until you come to terms with it, your past will follow you wherever you go. From my experience, there are only two ways to deal with one's past--either accept it, warts and all, and try to correct the mistakes that have been made, or decide that, from this point forward, the past will be completely ignored, if not totally forgotten. Either course of action will be difficult, but for every one of us, one path is always a little harder than the other. Either way, though, the past is called the past because IT. IS. NOT. THE. PRESENT. If it can inform your current decisions, then let it, but don't allow it make your decisions for you.

2. Every time you wake up in the morning, you have the opportunity to hit the "reset" button on your life. You don’t have to move to another country to start your life over. It can be done tomorrow, from your bed, if you want to do it. You just have to make up your mind to do it and follow through on it. If you decide not to, it may be because whining is easier and, deep down inside, you probably enjoy it…because if you didn’t enjoy it, you wouldn’t do it, right?

3. I actually DID run away and start over…well, not entirely, as I still kept in contact with friends and family, but I moved to Taiwan without knowing anyone who lived there. Fifteen years ago, I needed, as you appear to need, something to shake up my existence. I had been divorced for three years and had no goals, no interest in anything, really…I was just surviving. Then, through a set of circumstances too involved to get into here, I decided to take a job teaching English in Taiwan. I hedged my bets a little and, instead of quitting my job, took a year-long leave of absence from work and flew to Taiwan. (It was also my first time on an airplane AND my first time to go outside North America.) It turned out to be the best experience of my life, and I ended up staying in Asia a total of two-and-a-half years. It also directly led to my enrolling in a Ph.D. program when I came home to the States, giving me another goal to work toward.


Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
I don't have goals really. Just to survive. It's the one thing that I only do what I do now cuz it was just to fucking do something to get away and it was a great thing to do. But... I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've no purpose.

And your lack of goals rears its head. Find some things that you’d like to do and start working on them. If there’s absolutely nothing that you want to do, look online for what other people are doing. Learn to play an(other) instrument. Visit every country in South America. Read the complete works of Shakespeare. Learn to cook. Go rock-climbing in Wyoming. Take ballroom dancing lessons. Your goals don’t have to be life-changing, but the very act of completing them will start to change your life. Another thing that I’ve noticed is that completing one goal will lead you to set another, then another, and, without even realizing it, you’ve suddenly got a much more fulfilling life than the one you started with.


Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
I'm seriously thinking about either leaving the country. Maybe joining the army. Still within the age limit, I'm told, and apparently over fucking qualified in all ways for it. Or fuck if I know anymore. Just so that I can essentially force myself to be put in a situation where I can start again almost. Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.

I don’t know how much education you’ve got, SS, but it can never hurt to tack on more. Twenty-nine is a great age to go to school, either for the first time or for additional degrees. If you’ve never gone, the core courses in your undergraduate curriculum will allow you to dabble in a lot of areas that you may find interest you. If you’ve got a bachelor’s degree, you can tack on a master’s in 1-3 years in practically any field in which you might be interested. My BA is in communication (specifically, public relations), but when I decided to go back to school, I wound up getting my master’s degree in English…and my Ph.D. will be in instructional technology. As I’ve obviously shown, you don’t have to have an overarching plan. You just need to find one or two goals that you’re willing to work for, and everything else will begin to fall into place.


Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Maybe leaving it all and starting over is what I need. My lease is up in July. I'm seriously trying to figure it out by point. That's my "time limit" of figuring it all out. I dunno.

Snake, you may NEVER figure it all out. And that’s okay. What’s NOT okay is being miserable. The thing is, you’ve got to want to let go of your misery enough to actually make you do something tangible about it. Many people have a crippling fear of success, so much so that they’d rather stay miserable than risk being successful. I don’t see that as your problem, however. What I’m taking away from your situation is that too much was put on you at too early an age, before you had the life experiences and maturity level to be able to cope with those stresses sufficiently. Because of that, you have a lingering resentment at the world for being so unfair to you, and your way of getting back at the world is to wrap yourself in your misery and refuse to let go of it. It seems, though, that maybe you’re beginning to rethink your strategy, and I applaud you for it. I agree with Matto above--my 20s were my least favorite decade of life as well. Things WILL get better for you, but you’ve got to be willing to come to terms with your past in some way and to take an active part in forging your future.

Vibiana 12-06-15 05:12 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I'm fifty, and I wouldn't go back to being in my twenties for anything. For one thing, for most of them, there was a fucking Republican in the White House, and for another, my life was unstable, dramatic, and a big pile of cowshit most of the time as a result (of the instability and the drama, not of the Repuke in the White House. :D )

Hang on for your thirties, dude. They're the best, especially the early ones. I've never been a goal-oriented person myself, but I do know that you have to get out of the ruts and leave your comfort zone sometimes to be happy. So yeah--military or locale change would be a great way to do this. And log some couch time if you need it--no shame in getting a little counseling to help you figure shit out. Sometimes it takes hearing from somebody who's totally outside the situation to help you figure out what to do.

astrochimp 12-06-15 05:32 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Hang in there!

:)

edit: And to answer your question: No.

It's so much easier for me to type these--> :) than to have one ;)

Nick Danger 12-06-15 06:20 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I was about 30 when I got counseling. It helped me a lot.

My 20s sucked. It got to the point that I had to make a decision not to kill myself every day. Moving to Albuquerque was better, but it didn't solve my emotional problems. After counseling, it took several years of work to get healthy.

But now, life is good. It was worth it.

Ky-Fi 12-06-15 06:49 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I wish I could remember the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of "Winners won't always win, and losers won't lose forever." I think it was from some kung fu movie, actually. :)

Tom Banjo 12-06-15 06:57 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Yeah, I'm pretty fucking unhappy with a lot of aspects of my life. My son is my beacon of light. I actually finally caved last week and agreed to my wife to start talking to someone. But the place we called is full, and they had to put me on a waiting list. Good thing I'm not suicidal!

Coral 12-06-15 07:23 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I'm not exactly happy in my life either. I have a job that pays decent enough, but is pretty dull - I stay at it because I'm at an age where I have no energy to start over and would hate a big reduction in pay. I have a small basic social life and I have interests - but I wouldn't consider them passions.

I think part of the problem of feeling this way is the stuff society feeds us on what we could have. Dangling the carrot in front of us as if it were easily obtainable.

This seems to be a generational thing. We seem to have high expectations.
Look at your parents or grandparents lives. They were happy to have a job that would put food on the table and a roof over their heads - and not much more. They come home from work and would be happy enough to work around the house, plop themselves in front of the TV or just read. By today's standards, that's a very boring and uninspired life.

Even by today's higher standards, these are first-world problems. There are hundreds of millions of people in the world today who would absolutely love to live our lives.

I don't have an answer, and I don't want to consider these issues as "whining" - I think it's a matter of perspective.
Maybe we should just find joy in the smaller things? I know I go back and for between asking/telling myself "Is this all there is to life?" and "I should be grateful - it could be so much worse".

Toddarino 12-06-15 07:24 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I hope you get some things sorted out.

I have a good job, a decent house and satisfactory health. I'm highly unmotivated and most mornings are a chore. I get exactly what you mean when you say you just go out and waste time and nothing makes you happy. I feel the same way. I just try to get through the day and move onto the next. I'm just not where I thought I'd be at 36. I know things change and our lives aren't often how we thought they'd turn out. Really all I ever wanted in life was a family and kids. After my divorce happened a few years ago, I think I got the wake up call that time is running out. I fully realize that I'm at fault for the current state of my life and I don't blame anyone. Maybe that's what makes it harder to accept.

Good luck.

fumanstan 12-06-15 07:55 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Most of this post was about the past and your family and while I see why that kind of burden stays with you, what are you actually doing now? I remember you talking about being in film school years back and I might be mis-remembering you taking a break from it, is that still a thing for you? Or are you just working? If so, what are you doing? The past will always be there, but i'm more curious what you occupy your life with now if you're feeling depressed or unfulfilled with life.

Me personally, i'm really happy with life. Engaged, getting married next year, and I feel like my fiancee and I are in a great place after going through a lot of downs the last few years prior. That included relationship difficulties, leaving my company for a startup that failed, dealing with unemployment, taking a new job that I hated, before finally returning to my previous company and finding professional happiness again. I changed positions at work which included a large enough raise where money is less of a concern then it has been in recent years, and while work is more stressful and scary it's a new challenge for me and somewhat exciting from that perspective.

It helps that I'm happy with the little things, enjoying my time with my 2 dogs, playing basketball, playing video games, watching movies, and just planning a future.

wearetheborg 12-06-15 08:18 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Cuz I know I'm not. I haven't been. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

It's something I purposefully kind of run away from thinking about. Staying busy w/ jobs, my hobbies, people, etc.

But lately? I've come to a point where I have to face it. I've run out of things to take my time. I could say this is depression. And it may be. It probably is. But it's something I just truck through cuz I don't have time to mope around. I loathe thinking about those kinds of things. It always ends up back to where it always does. I'm just not happy where my life took me.




I go out and waste time. But it's all wasting time really. Nothing really makes me happy. I'm not passionate about anything.


Honestly I'm not afraid of dying. I may be afraid of HOW that goes but if I died right now. I'd be fine w/ it.


I could continue w/ what I'm doing now and for others that'd be fine but... I only took it to do something cuz it was better than doing nothing essentially.

The inner gears in my head are tired. They're fractured.

I don't have goals really. Just to survive. I've no purpose.

Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.

This has been my life for a long long time.

Troy Stiffler 12-06-15 08:40 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Nobody has it easy. Everyone lies to others. You'll see people come and go and act like things are great. You'll see your buddies on Facebook with vacation selfies and act like things are great. But they aren't. Everyone is in trouble. That's just the way it works.

I risk everything I have (I'm more-or-less doing a startup) and you guys would probably have a heart attack if you knew about the trouble I'm in (I owe pretty much everyone but the mafia). But I stay positive, in hopes that my delusions of grandeur will eventually become real if I stick to what I'm doing. Happiness is all about perception.

I've had similar ideas of 'giving up'. But I can't reconcile the idea of having to give up on my vision for the business and everything. If I gave up, I don't know what else I'd have, and would probably feel the way you feel.

Here's a trick that keep me sane. Put everything in a spreadsheet (or whatever). Short term goals, long term goals, debts, problems, places you want to go, hopes, dreams, etc. Aim high, but keep your expectations in check. Realize that you may never get to do 'this' or 'that'. But it'll get you on a healthy path. If you aim extremely high, and only get 25% of the way there, that's still pretty great. If you make it to 100%, accept that you got really lucky along the way. It helps organize everything. You may or may not get to do what you want. I did this 10-or-so years ago. Not much worked yet. But I can say that my goals haven't changed much. Stay calm and carry on.

To be specific, I don't know what your Mom's financial situation is. But bankruptcy is very simple for the average consumer. There's no reason to be in that kind of trouble in this day and age. $1500 (usually just a $500 deposit) and a lawyer will do everything for you. Debt disappears. You have shitty credit for a year or two. And then you have new credit again. Creditors don't go after personal items. They go after cars, houses, boats, etc. Your Mom probably wouldn't lose anything she didn't already lose.

If I were you, I wouldn't run away. Be open and honest with the people you'd be "running away from". If you want to do something, tell them what you want to do, and see what they think about it. I do think that "selling all of your stuff" is a good idea. I did that a couple years ago. I really don't miss any of it.

I remember you posting about film school all the time. Did you ever consider moving to Los Angeles and working on film sets? Build a resume. It's not that hard to break into it. It just doesn't pay too well. Or look for similar creative work in Austin if you don't want to leave TX.

Here's something that people don't like to think about... Don't stretch out your finances on "normal living". Even if you can afford it, don't buy that BMW when you can buy a Chevy Sonic for $15k. Don't buy the biggest house you can afford. Live waaayyyy below that. I told myself that if things take off the way I want them to, I'll never fall into that trap. I'd rather re-invest, travel, establish a trust, and help others. The idea of living in a big house and drive an expensive car doesn't excite me. I'm not a buyer. I see money as a way to make things happen. And I guess that's where I get my satisfaction from. Buying things will always betray you.

zyzzle 12-06-15 08:43 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Yes and no. Maybe, but not always.

cultshock 12-06-15 08:53 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Troy Stiffler (Post 12663900)
Nobody has it easy. Everyone lies to others. You'll see people come and go and act like things are great. You'll see your buddies on Facebook with vacation selfies and act like things are great. But they aren't. Everyone is in trouble. That's just the way it works.

I agree with this. I never try to compare my life with others, because everyone puts on a good act, but you never know what is really going on in their private lives. Crap like Facebook seems to make people either post stuff like "Look at me and my great life!" or "OMG, woe is me, my life sucks so bad".

If it's any consolation, my twenties sucked too, I was so directionless and didn't know what the hell I was doing, and now feel like I wasted a lot of time. But I finally got my shit together in my thirties, and now in my forties have a family and am doing my best to take care of them and take it one day at a time. Good luck man!

Troy Stiffler 12-06-15 08:53 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Here's something else that keeps me stable... Don't drink or do drugs (or whatever). Make sure you're getting good nutrition. And good sleep (you should never been too tired for more than a few days). It keeps you regulated, and keeps your body from freaking out and making the wrong decision. When you have a problem in front of you, you can think clearly and make the decision you want to make. When your chemicals are all screwed up, you're more inclined to make emotional knee-jerk decisions.

Think your way through things. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night, with a specific idea in my head. For some reason (I think it's a chemical thing), things I do can feel so strange in the middle of the night. I'm sure there's some term for it.

Anyways... you guys now know way too much about me.

Michael T Hudson 12-06-15 09:25 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Yes great job, new house wife and a 5 year old daughter. I could not ask do anything else.

whotony 12-06-15 10:35 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Happy with how life is right now, no.

just turned 51 and up until last year we were great.

Moved to Fla from Philly and love it here.

Wife made a small mistake and lost her job and we
essentially ran out of money while we looked for another one.
I work at a big Happy amusement park at a job I hate
and she had to take a new job that is a travel position so she's hardly home.

On top of that our second car died so we need to figure out how to get another and
our house rental management raised the rent and outpriced our affordability here so we need to find a
lower priced house rental.

All bad stuff seems to happen at the same time.

:^(

hanshotfirst1138 12-06-15 10:48 PM

No, but I don't have much right to complain considering that I never make any effort to change it. What's wrong in my life right now is my own damn fault.

Abob Teff 12-06-15 11:09 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Snake, you aren't alone. We trade potshots and barbs on here, yet I hope you know it is always in jest. I respect (and enjoy!) your contributions around here. Actually, I feel you are a kindred spirit.

Last year I went through a bunch of shit with my mom as well. She almost lost her house to the city she lived in -- hoarding issues, animal issues, failure to maintain the property ... You name it and she was stepping in it. She ended up in the hospital due to emotional/psychological concerns. I live over an hour away and three of my siblings still live near her, yet I ended up stepping in and trying to play amateur lawyer, handyman, and everything else. It was bad. I really didn't think she was going to survive it (either due to her physical health or her just "giving up"). I understand the feelings you are having there.

It's hard for me to offer any advice or insight on that though. I think RBrown offered the best advice ... Let the past be the past. It isn't easy, but it's the best thing you can do. It's done, so let the pressure and stress go. Your mom, like mine, may not have many years left so enjoy them.

As for your feelings of "just being" ... Well, I get you there too. You've seen my marital thread. While things are better at the moment, I feel as if I only exist for other people. I don't feel as if I am getting much out of my own life. Again, heed what RBrown said ... Do something crazy to mix up your life. It doesn't have to be a major alteration, but do something.

I'm not a big "music" person, but I've become enthralled with Elle King. A couple of weeks ago I bought a pair of tickets to a venue she was playing about four hours away. I didn't care if anybody went with me (my wife had to work, I even invited my "friend" who I knew wouldn't be able to go) or if I went alone, but I was going come hell or high water. Not only was the show amazing, but I ended up meeting Elle King (have a great photo of her and me) and bought dinner for one of the opening acts and his girlfriend. It was an amazing experience that I would never have had in a "normal" state of mind. However I was in a funk and did something to step out of my comfort zone. Am I great now? No, but it helped.

Tell you what, I'll come down there and we can go surprise the dip-your-fries-in-ice-cream girl I met in Chicago. Maybe she has a friend. :D

Abob Teff 12-06-15 11:10 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by hanshotfirst1138 (Post 12663991)
No, but I don't have much right to complain considering that I never make any effort to change it. What's wrong in my life right now is my own damn fault.

Based on your user name, George Lucas may change your life for you.

PatD 12-06-15 11:26 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
No. My life is a country western song--sort of.

I've worked very hard to put my life in some working order. But, so far I've been just toodling along and not making major sprints.

I've have bipolar disorder, A.D.D. post-traumatic stress, anxiety, cognitive problems (verified by a neurologist), and I'm so far behind my peer group that's it's nearly suicide inducing. The majority of them have families and careers, whereas, I've been going to college off and on for nearly two decades (despite mental health issues) and I don't even have a transfer degree.

I volunteer at 3 different places since losing my job after my first (and hopefully only) manic episode 5 years ago. I'm hoping this will build up to paid employment again. I've lost nearly 130 lbs, but I'm still morbidly obese. I have the sparsest of social connections where I live--it's a college town filled with young 20 somethings that are the prime demographic for employment--I'm approaching middle age, obese, and losing my hair.

I live in a housing project that I hate (filled with druggies and bed bugs). I no longer have a car (but at least I'm not in debt!). One of the medications that I take dampens my creativity, so it's hard to express things in ways I used to. Not to mention, I can't even cry. And to top it off this year, I got to hear the news that the cousin who sexually molested me when I was growing up (and sent my life spiralling into the proverbial field in Pennsylvania) is getting married to a loving woman and he'll get to live a rich, fulfilling life without giving what he did to me a second thought.

I stay alive for the sake of my family. Apart from that, I can't complain.

DJariya 12-07-15 12:41 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Really sad and disturbing reading some of the comments here from people with some serious confidence and mental health issues. I know not everyone is in a good position in their lives and I'm sorry to read it here. I hope some of you will try to take steps to improve the quality of your life.

As for me, I think I'm pretty happy with the quality of my life. I have 2 jobs that I like, work in the industry that I went to school for (TV/Sports). My career is now approaching 20 years and I've made a lot of friends and professional contacts in my industry. I was laid off from my staff job of 14 years 4 years ago and things were uncertain at 1st. But, I didn't give up and really used all the contacts I made to the best of my ability and I'm actually happier now than I was 4 years ago. I get to travel yearly internationally during my summers and I think I have a good support system: Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother in law and 7-year old niece who I practically raised from her birth.

My finances are decent. I have a 401K from over 12 years of work, some savings. I don't have too much debt and I think I make a pretty decent living working part-time for the most part. Not really pursuing marriage or a relationship right now, but I good with it.

I've had a few challenges here and there, but I've always managed to overcome them.

Could things be better? Of course, but I think I'm pretty content with how things are. I'm pretty happy and always try to plan ahead. Next summer after my work starts slowing down, I plan to take most of June off to travel overseas and re-charge the battery.

brayzie 12-07-15 04:51 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Cuz I know I'm not. I haven't been. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

Not too happy, but once in a blue moon there is something that makes me happy.


It's something I purposefully kind of run away from thinking about. Staying busy w/ jobs, my hobbies, people, etc.
So if you try not to think about it and just stay busy with it, how do you deal with it?
I understand it's not healthy to dwell on things but when you can't express what your going through it's hard to overcome it, let alone deal with it.



Sometimes I think I should just leave everything and go. Just sell off all my shit and leave the country. Leave my family. Leave my friends. Tell nobody maybe. Just start over somewhere where I'm not in anyway connected to my past.
You don't want to be connected to you friends even? Because they remind you of the past or because of something else.


Honestly I'm not afraid of dying. I may be afraid of HOW that goes but if I died right now. I'd be fine w/ it. I'm 29. And my 20s have been so hard for me. My greatest period was fall 2008- fall 2010. I could say that right there. I had some glimmer of hope of a future to look forward to.
There's a phrase one philosopher said like, "why fear death, when we had no fear prior to our own existence." Something like that. And some people don't who don't want to go on merely want to go back to before they were born, and simply not be. However, I doubt it's like that. We all feel like that at some point, up until dying becomes a real thing. Then when it seems like life is about to be robbed from you, even though you didn't care for it before, you suddenly want to be able to enjoy the day for what it is, having the opportunity to enjoy the sun, or sit inside warm while watching it rain outside.



The one thing that my father never wanted me to do was to become him in some way. He didn't want me to struggle like he did. He wanted me to become someone who didn't have to risk it all to survive. And I have. So many goddamn times. And it hurts me that I had to be who I am today. That kid back in 1999 was extremely happy and hopeful. He saw his whole fucking future and he was going to take it.
The sounds similar to me growing up. But I didn't want to constantly struggle. Not necessarily not work hard, but not have to constantly being distressed, worried, unhappy, etc. I was that way not having high aspirations or opportunities. When I began shooting for bigger things and making those opportunities happen I was still distressed, worried, and unhappy. I would see others enjoying life while I'm wearing myself down to survive or to do what what I thought would bring my life significance or make me happy.



I don't have goals really. Just to survive. It's the one thing that I only do what I do now cuz it was just to fucking do something to get away and it was a great thing to do. But... I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've no purpose.
You have no purpose, you don't want anything in particular out of life?


I'm seriously thinking about either leaving the country. Maybe joining the army. Still within the age limit, I'm told, and apparently over fucking qualified in all ways for it. Or fuck if I know anymore. Just so that I can essentially force myself to be put in a situation where I can start again almost. Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.
The military doesn't sound like a good environment for someone that feels this way.

Anyway, you mentioned about just surviving. That's how it feels like to me too, when I feel it should be more than that. But maybe that's what life really is at some level. For us to survive physically and mentally.

brayzie 12-07-15 04:55 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by PatD (Post 12664008)
No. My life is a country western song--sort of.

I've worked very hard to put my life in some working order. But, so far I've been just toodling along and not making major sprints.

I've have bipolar disorder, A.D.D. post-traumatic stress, anxiety, cognitive problems (verified by a neurologist), and I'm so far behind my peer group that's it's nearly suicide inducing. The majority of them have families and careers, whereas, I've been going to college off and on for nearly two decades (despite mental health issues) and I don't even have a transfer degree.

I volunteer at 3 different places since losing my job after my first (and hopefully only) manic episode 5 years ago. I'm hoping this will build up to paid employment again. I've lost nearly 130 lbs, but I'm still morbidly obese. I have the sparsest of social connections where I live--it's a college town filled with young 20 somethings that are the prime demographic for employment--I'm approaching middle age, obese, and losing my hair.

I live in a housing project that I hate (filled with druggies and bed bugs). I no longer have a car (but at least I'm not in debt!). One of the medications that I take dampens my creativity, so it's hard to express things in ways I used to. Not to mention, I can't even cry. And to top it off this year, I got to hear the news that the cousin who sexually molested me when I was growing up (and sent my life spiralling into the proverbial field in Pennsylvania) is getting married to a loving woman and he'll get to live a rich, fulfilling life without giving what he did to me a second thought.

I stay alive for the sake of my family. Apart from that, I can't complain.


That's crazy but I can relate with some of that (college taking forever, living situation).
You're still trying to obtain a college transfer, what are you hopting to major in?

EddieMoney 12-07-15 07:46 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Starting to be happy again. Love the weeks I have my daughter. The weeks I don't can drag, but it's given me a chance to just kind of chill on my own. Read, watch movies, do work around the house.

I know I feel a lot better since I gave up drinking earlier in the year. I know after all my divorce stuff is done, I'll be broke and in debt, but as Tommy Wiseau once said, "Ha ha ha, that's life."

Sonny Corinthos 12-07-15 08:00 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Yes, I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have a wonderful Wife of ten years and have a beautiful six year old Daughter. It took me half of my life to get this way however.

I got married way too young when I was 19. She was nothing but a cheating whore. Family and friends tried to tell me this but I wouldn't listen to them. After finally seeing the light about this tramp, I divorced her. It was four year of pure hell though. The worst mistake I ever made in life was getting involved with her.

My 20's and early 30's were a train wreck. At 35, I met the love of my life and have been happy ever since. People didn't give us a chance because of our age difference. I was 36 and she was 19 when we were married. I'm so glad to say that we have proved the whole world wrong. Age is just a number but true love last forever.

Jaymole 12-07-15 09:01 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Cuz I know I'm not. I haven't been. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

It's something I purposefully kind of run away from thinking about. Staying busy w/ jobs, my hobbies, people, etc.

But lately? I've come to a point where I have to face it. I've run out of things to take my time. I could say this is depression. And it may be. It probably is. But it's something I just truck through cuz I don't have time to mope around. I loathe thinking about those kinds of things. It always ends up back to where it always does. I'm just not happy where my life took me. Where I am now? I brought myself here but it's only because it was much better than being back home.

My father died in 1999, I was 13. I had to become the man of house, actually the ranch too. My mother became a very weak and timid person w/o my father. I had to take care of the ranch. Whatever goals I had for my future they were not possible for me ever again cuz I had to take care of my mum and sister. My sister got the "normal" teenage experience and adulthood. I had to focus on survival so much. etc.

I've done ok. Almost amazing at times w/ what I'll do to survive. But... I'm not sure what I really want anymore. My mum is getting older and it damn near kills me seeing her age worse and worse when I see her. My sister never had to risk her goals. She didn't sacrifice anything to get where she was. And I can't not be jealous of that. She acknowledges it now but the past is the past. It's built me to be somewhere in my life that I don't really know what to do. I just have it in the back of my head that my mother is going to do die at some point, which is true of anyone, but that I'm going to have to handle it. Just the whole situation. I'm not really I can handle that. I just don't think I can. Cuz I'm the only one that built themselves up to be the lead of it all. And I'm tired. I'm tired of having to take charge. It's just not me. But if I don't do it, nobody will. My reason to move away was to just force it be my mother's responsibility. To essentially pick herself up and survive w/o me. We lost the ranch when I moved away. I was working pretty much just to pay for it. IRS took that. I had to face them and beg them to not do it. It was my weakest moment. Begging someone. It damn near killed me having to beg them to not take our home, right there on the property. I thought I was going to have heart attack w/ all that happening. I was begging them to let us keep the ranch.

To make it worse, from what I'm told. Legally... none of that should have happened somehow. My mum got a lawyer and nothing really moved. She fell into worse debt and she's in a financial hole that I dare not even try to figure out.

I blame myself for doing that. It's not my fault. It should have never been my responsibility anyway. But it became that. We lost everything my father dreamed of for the family.

My mother lives w/ a family friend in a crappy house. W/ all our old stuff there. It ALMOST looks like a hoarding situation. But it's not. It still looks better than Alan Smithee's shithole. And they're fine w/ it. I get sad when I visit her. I hate going back home. I only do it to be the good son. To make it worse, I'm the prodigal son. I don't feel that way either. For all her love of me, I don't have any for her. Maybe pity. I think the anger comes and goes. I act the part of a good son. But I'm only there for commitment of family. I'm so goddamn jealous of my sister though for not having to be the oldest kid. I got screwed on that one. I had to throw whatever hopes I had in that time and just focus on keeping the family alive. All I know really is to survive. And I'm damn near master of it but there's purpose beyond that.

I go out and waste time. But it's all wasting time really. Nothing really makes me happy. I'm not passionate about anything. Except for maybe knowledge. But it's just an interest that comes and goes in certain things.

Sometimes I think I should just leave everything and go. Just sell off all my shit and leave the country. Leave my family. Leave my friends. Tell nobody maybe. Just start over somewhere where I'm not in anyway connected to my past.

Honestly I'm not afraid of dying. I may be afraid of HOW that goes but if I died right now. I'd be fine w/ it. I'm 29. And my 20s have been so hard for me. My greatest period was fall 2008- fall 2010. I could say that right there. I had some glimmer of hope of a future to look forward to.

The one thing that my father never wanted me to do was to become him in some way. He didn't want me to struggle like he did. He wanted me to become someone who didn't have to risk it all to survive. And I have. So many goddamn times. And it hurts me that I had to be who I am today. That kid back in 1999 was extremely happy and hopeful. He saw his whole fucking future and he was going to take it. Today? I think of shooting myself in the head every goddamn day when I wake up just out of spite almost. Just to motivate me almost. But I don't. Cuz... I want to see wtf happens next. To see wtf can get my attention today. If I can find what I want. I seriously don't see a future for me. I don't know WTF I'm doing in my 30s or 40s or 50s. Not even a goddamn sliver of an idea as to what I could be doing. I take it day by day. I just don't really like anything. I could continue w/ what I'm doing now and for others that'd be fine but... I only took it to do something cuz it was better than doing nothing essentially. People are jealous of my life at times but I've just become so goddamn good at achieving to get where I am that I am viewed as a success. I'm not that though. That's just the outside. The inner gears in my head are tired. They're fractured.

I don't have goals really. Just to survive. It's the one thing that I only do what I do now cuz it was just to fucking do something to get away and it was a great thing to do. But... I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've no purpose.

I'm seriously thinking about either leaving the country. Maybe joining the army. Still within the age limit, I'm told, and apparently over fucking qualified in all ways for it. Or fuck if I know anymore. Just so that I can essentially force myself to be put in a situation where I can start again almost. Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.

Maybe leaving it all and starting over is what I need. My lease is up in July. I'm seriously trying to figure it out by point. That's my "time limit" of figuring it all out. I dunno.

Anyway... that's my fucking rant.

Here's a gif:



Sorry to hear what you have gone through the past 16 years and how you feel now.

One thing on your side is that you are still young and the future can be brighter if you decide to make the changes you are considering.

Don't be like me, I haven't done anything the past 5 years to change my life, and I am in the lowest state I have ever been in. I am much older than you and I feel like I have wasted my life away. After my divorce and losing my life savings, I have pretty much given up. But I guess it is not complete as I am still alive and I guess that means there is some small part in me that has hope, but it is getting smaller by the day.

Dan 12-07-15 09:30 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
That's some heavy shit, Snake.
I can't offer any advice, but damn.

As for me, I'm 33 and under-educated. Working in oil & gas (for now), with a big daunting move in the next two months. If I could have done shit differently in my 20's, I would have.
My wife and kid keep me happy, so there's that.
But career-wise, I need to figure myself out and make a plan.

Why So Blu? 12-07-15 10:09 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Can't really say too much to what has already been said. I am also much older than you but it is hard when a parent dies and you have to take the reigns. I'm the oldest and only son and seems at times that my two younger sisters are more successful than me. Granted, I make really good money for what I do and the time that it takes doing it but it's nothing fancy - although it is fulfilling.

One good thing that I can say that came from my dad's passing in 2013 is that it cemented the family bonds. I guess it was the year leading up to his death where we all came together as one to help him. We basically all became caregivers and it sure as hell was a major inconvenience but our own selfishness and feelings had to be set aside for him, because he was the one that was sick. I hate to think that if we had bailed we'd all be wrecks right now. I think we came out of it much stronger and much more decent people.

Personally, my goals, which seem unattainable is to make money without leaving the house. Whether that says I have depression or not, I don't know. But that would be awesome. I will be leaving L.A. in the next 2-3 years and if I don't have the money saved up to live on I will pull a hail mary and cash out my retirement plan and just buy a place with the money. I'm fortunate that I have a pension and possible social security if I make it to my mid-60's but I think having a fully paid off home trumps the early withdrawal penalties.

In any event, Snake - I would suggest you find things that you actually like and immerse yourself in them. Bang more white girls? You're an athlete, too, right? Continue to cultivate that. Granted, if you're having suicidal thoughts then it's best you seek council. Any day above ground is a good day.

General Zod 12-07-15 10:44 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I feel fortunate and happy with where I am. As things stand today I couldn't ask for more. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a wonderful house in a beautiful neighborhood. Our son is trying to become a pilot and he's moved away and I wish things were going better for him but we've got his back and he's doing OK. I'm very aggressive about achieving goals and he is not.. so I just get frustrated when he says he's not getting where he wants to be because I know his effort level is low.

All I can say is I've had some low times. Learn from them and use them to make yourself better. Try not to step on people on the way up and instead work with them and move up together. Don't burn bridges no matter how much you may want to.

PatD 12-07-15 10:49 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by brayzie (Post 12664063)
That's crazy but I can relate with some of that (college taking forever, living situation).
You're still trying to obtain a college transfer, what are you hopting to major in?

I was working towards a Visual Communications Degree, but after my manic episode and all the time it took to recover from it, it had been reduced to a Certificate. So, at present, I'm not sure what to do--maybe Psychology--perhaps become a hypnotherapist.

devilshalo 12-07-15 11:50 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
In a word. No. Doing what I can to control what I can. Job? Who knows.

It's been lay-offs for the past 8 years at my company. Should I be looking? Probably. But in January, it will be 15 years. They've been very good to those they do let go, so why rock the boat? If it happens, it happens. I take a healthy severance. I get a new job, that all goes away and I'm climbing the ladder again to build that up. :shrug: Might as well stick it out. No one else does my job so I have a little security. Morale was already at a low before the hack.

I have a secondary job. Not something I can segue into replacing the full time job. It's more supplemental. I work long frickin hours. No time to work on the condo I just bought. It's getting close to Alan Smithee proportions. Ok, so not really.

I do what small things I can to try and enjoy life. Control what you can control. Set small and large goals. Be good to yourself first.

Tracer Bullet 12-07-15 12:11 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Eh. I moved to Oregon in April after almost two decades in New York, because the city was really getting to me and if I stayed I was going to end up snapping and pushing someone in front of a train. Work is fine, Portland is fine, but establishing a new social circle as a single mid-30s man is pretty damn hard. Been here for over 8 months and just now feeling like I have a couple of sort of friends.

And, I might be realizing that I miss New York and want to go back. I felt at home there in a way I don't feel here.

nando820 12-07-15 12:21 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
^people in the Northwest are Cold as Ice

Nick Danger 12-07-15 12:22 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Why So Blu? (Post 12664197)
Can't really say too much to what has already been said. I am also much older than you but it is hard when a parent dies and you have to take the reigns. I'm the oldest and only son and seems at times that my two younger sisters are more successful than me. Granted, I make really good money for what I do and the time that it takes doing it but it's nothing fancy - although it is fulfilling.

Don't sweat it if your sisters are more successful than you. You're making good money doing something you enjoy, and that puts you ahead of most of the world. They might feel envious of you.

My sister is more successful than I am. She is driven. She doesn't read forums on the internet, she never watches TV or movies, and if she's staying still it's only because she's asleep in bed. When she came here for vacation, I drove her places, and she stayed caught up on work email from the back seat. I'm a lot more mellow, and I'm satisfied to be live differently.


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