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PatD 12-06-15 11:26 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
No. My life is a country western song--sort of.

I've worked very hard to put my life in some working order. But, so far I've been just toodling along and not making major sprints.

I've have bipolar disorder, A.D.D. post-traumatic stress, anxiety, cognitive problems (verified by a neurologist), and I'm so far behind my peer group that's it's nearly suicide inducing. The majority of them have families and careers, whereas, I've been going to college off and on for nearly two decades (despite mental health issues) and I don't even have a transfer degree.

I volunteer at 3 different places since losing my job after my first (and hopefully only) manic episode 5 years ago. I'm hoping this will build up to paid employment again. I've lost nearly 130 lbs, but I'm still morbidly obese. I have the sparsest of social connections where I live--it's a college town filled with young 20 somethings that are the prime demographic for employment--I'm approaching middle age, obese, and losing my hair.

I live in a housing project that I hate (filled with druggies and bed bugs). I no longer have a car (but at least I'm not in debt!). One of the medications that I take dampens my creativity, so it's hard to express things in ways I used to. Not to mention, I can't even cry. And to top it off this year, I got to hear the news that the cousin who sexually molested me when I was growing up (and sent my life spiralling into the proverbial field in Pennsylvania) is getting married to a loving woman and he'll get to live a rich, fulfilling life without giving what he did to me a second thought.

I stay alive for the sake of my family. Apart from that, I can't complain.

DJariya 12-07-15 12:41 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Really sad and disturbing reading some of the comments here from people with some serious confidence and mental health issues. I know not everyone is in a good position in their lives and I'm sorry to read it here. I hope some of you will try to take steps to improve the quality of your life.

As for me, I think I'm pretty happy with the quality of my life. I have 2 jobs that I like, work in the industry that I went to school for (TV/Sports). My career is now approaching 20 years and I've made a lot of friends and professional contacts in my industry. I was laid off from my staff job of 14 years 4 years ago and things were uncertain at 1st. But, I didn't give up and really used all the contacts I made to the best of my ability and I'm actually happier now than I was 4 years ago. I get to travel yearly internationally during my summers and I think I have a good support system: Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother in law and 7-year old niece who I practically raised from her birth.

My finances are decent. I have a 401K from over 12 years of work, some savings. I don't have too much debt and I think I make a pretty decent living working part-time for the most part. Not really pursuing marriage or a relationship right now, but I good with it.

I've had a few challenges here and there, but I've always managed to overcome them.

Could things be better? Of course, but I think I'm pretty content with how things are. I'm pretty happy and always try to plan ahead. Next summer after my work starts slowing down, I plan to take most of June off to travel overseas and re-charge the battery.

brayzie 12-07-15 04:51 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Cuz I know I'm not. I haven't been. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

Not too happy, but once in a blue moon there is something that makes me happy.


It's something I purposefully kind of run away from thinking about. Staying busy w/ jobs, my hobbies, people, etc.
So if you try not to think about it and just stay busy with it, how do you deal with it?
I understand it's not healthy to dwell on things but when you can't express what your going through it's hard to overcome it, let alone deal with it.



Sometimes I think I should just leave everything and go. Just sell off all my shit and leave the country. Leave my family. Leave my friends. Tell nobody maybe. Just start over somewhere where I'm not in anyway connected to my past.
You don't want to be connected to you friends even? Because they remind you of the past or because of something else.


Honestly I'm not afraid of dying. I may be afraid of HOW that goes but if I died right now. I'd be fine w/ it. I'm 29. And my 20s have been so hard for me. My greatest period was fall 2008- fall 2010. I could say that right there. I had some glimmer of hope of a future to look forward to.
There's a phrase one philosopher said like, "why fear death, when we had no fear prior to our own existence." Something like that. And some people don't who don't want to go on merely want to go back to before they were born, and simply not be. However, I doubt it's like that. We all feel like that at some point, up until dying becomes a real thing. Then when it seems like life is about to be robbed from you, even though you didn't care for it before, you suddenly want to be able to enjoy the day for what it is, having the opportunity to enjoy the sun, or sit inside warm while watching it rain outside.



The one thing that my father never wanted me to do was to become him in some way. He didn't want me to struggle like he did. He wanted me to become someone who didn't have to risk it all to survive. And I have. So many goddamn times. And it hurts me that I had to be who I am today. That kid back in 1999 was extremely happy and hopeful. He saw his whole fucking future and he was going to take it.
The sounds similar to me growing up. But I didn't want to constantly struggle. Not necessarily not work hard, but not have to constantly being distressed, worried, unhappy, etc. I was that way not having high aspirations or opportunities. When I began shooting for bigger things and making those opportunities happen I was still distressed, worried, and unhappy. I would see others enjoying life while I'm wearing myself down to survive or to do what what I thought would bring my life significance or make me happy.



I don't have goals really. Just to survive. It's the one thing that I only do what I do now cuz it was just to fucking do something to get away and it was a great thing to do. But... I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've no purpose.
You have no purpose, you don't want anything in particular out of life?


I'm seriously thinking about either leaving the country. Maybe joining the army. Still within the age limit, I'm told, and apparently over fucking qualified in all ways for it. Or fuck if I know anymore. Just so that I can essentially force myself to be put in a situation where I can start again almost. Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.
The military doesn't sound like a good environment for someone that feels this way.

Anyway, you mentioned about just surviving. That's how it feels like to me too, when I feel it should be more than that. But maybe that's what life really is at some level. For us to survive physically and mentally.

brayzie 12-07-15 04:55 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by PatD (Post 12664008)
No. My life is a country western song--sort of.

I've worked very hard to put my life in some working order. But, so far I've been just toodling along and not making major sprints.

I've have bipolar disorder, A.D.D. post-traumatic stress, anxiety, cognitive problems (verified by a neurologist), and I'm so far behind my peer group that's it's nearly suicide inducing. The majority of them have families and careers, whereas, I've been going to college off and on for nearly two decades (despite mental health issues) and I don't even have a transfer degree.

I volunteer at 3 different places since losing my job after my first (and hopefully only) manic episode 5 years ago. I'm hoping this will build up to paid employment again. I've lost nearly 130 lbs, but I'm still morbidly obese. I have the sparsest of social connections where I live--it's a college town filled with young 20 somethings that are the prime demographic for employment--I'm approaching middle age, obese, and losing my hair.

I live in a housing project that I hate (filled with druggies and bed bugs). I no longer have a car (but at least I'm not in debt!). One of the medications that I take dampens my creativity, so it's hard to express things in ways I used to. Not to mention, I can't even cry. And to top it off this year, I got to hear the news that the cousin who sexually molested me when I was growing up (and sent my life spiralling into the proverbial field in Pennsylvania) is getting married to a loving woman and he'll get to live a rich, fulfilling life without giving what he did to me a second thought.

I stay alive for the sake of my family. Apart from that, I can't complain.


That's crazy but I can relate with some of that (college taking forever, living situation).
You're still trying to obtain a college transfer, what are you hopting to major in?

EddieMoney 12-07-15 07:46 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Starting to be happy again. Love the weeks I have my daughter. The weeks I don't can drag, but it's given me a chance to just kind of chill on my own. Read, watch movies, do work around the house.

I know I feel a lot better since I gave up drinking earlier in the year. I know after all my divorce stuff is done, I'll be broke and in debt, but as Tommy Wiseau once said, "Ha ha ha, that's life."

Sonny Corinthos 12-07-15 08:00 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Yes, I'm the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have a wonderful Wife of ten years and have a beautiful six year old Daughter. It took me half of my life to get this way however.

I got married way too young when I was 19. She was nothing but a cheating whore. Family and friends tried to tell me this but I wouldn't listen to them. After finally seeing the light about this tramp, I divorced her. It was four year of pure hell though. The worst mistake I ever made in life was getting involved with her.

My 20's and early 30's were a train wreck. At 35, I met the love of my life and have been happy ever since. People didn't give us a chance because of our age difference. I was 36 and she was 19 when we were married. I'm so glad to say that we have proved the whole world wrong. Age is just a number but true love last forever.

Jaymole 12-07-15 09:01 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Solid Snake (Post 12663608)
Cuz I know I'm not. I haven't been. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

It's something I purposefully kind of run away from thinking about. Staying busy w/ jobs, my hobbies, people, etc.

But lately? I've come to a point where I have to face it. I've run out of things to take my time. I could say this is depression. And it may be. It probably is. But it's something I just truck through cuz I don't have time to mope around. I loathe thinking about those kinds of things. It always ends up back to where it always does. I'm just not happy where my life took me. Where I am now? I brought myself here but it's only because it was much better than being back home.

My father died in 1999, I was 13. I had to become the man of house, actually the ranch too. My mother became a very weak and timid person w/o my father. I had to take care of the ranch. Whatever goals I had for my future they were not possible for me ever again cuz I had to take care of my mum and sister. My sister got the "normal" teenage experience and adulthood. I had to focus on survival so much. etc.

I've done ok. Almost amazing at times w/ what I'll do to survive. But... I'm not sure what I really want anymore. My mum is getting older and it damn near kills me seeing her age worse and worse when I see her. My sister never had to risk her goals. She didn't sacrifice anything to get where she was. And I can't not be jealous of that. She acknowledges it now but the past is the past. It's built me to be somewhere in my life that I don't really know what to do. I just have it in the back of my head that my mother is going to do die at some point, which is true of anyone, but that I'm going to have to handle it. Just the whole situation. I'm not really I can handle that. I just don't think I can. Cuz I'm the only one that built themselves up to be the lead of it all. And I'm tired. I'm tired of having to take charge. It's just not me. But if I don't do it, nobody will. My reason to move away was to just force it be my mother's responsibility. To essentially pick herself up and survive w/o me. We lost the ranch when I moved away. I was working pretty much just to pay for it. IRS took that. I had to face them and beg them to not do it. It was my weakest moment. Begging someone. It damn near killed me having to beg them to not take our home, right there on the property. I thought I was going to have heart attack w/ all that happening. I was begging them to let us keep the ranch.

To make it worse, from what I'm told. Legally... none of that should have happened somehow. My mum got a lawyer and nothing really moved. She fell into worse debt and she's in a financial hole that I dare not even try to figure out.

I blame myself for doing that. It's not my fault. It should have never been my responsibility anyway. But it became that. We lost everything my father dreamed of for the family.

My mother lives w/ a family friend in a crappy house. W/ all our old stuff there. It ALMOST looks like a hoarding situation. But it's not. It still looks better than Alan Smithee's shithole. And they're fine w/ it. I get sad when I visit her. I hate going back home. I only do it to be the good son. To make it worse, I'm the prodigal son. I don't feel that way either. For all her love of me, I don't have any for her. Maybe pity. I think the anger comes and goes. I act the part of a good son. But I'm only there for commitment of family. I'm so goddamn jealous of my sister though for not having to be the oldest kid. I got screwed on that one. I had to throw whatever hopes I had in that time and just focus on keeping the family alive. All I know really is to survive. And I'm damn near master of it but there's purpose beyond that.

I go out and waste time. But it's all wasting time really. Nothing really makes me happy. I'm not passionate about anything. Except for maybe knowledge. But it's just an interest that comes and goes in certain things.

Sometimes I think I should just leave everything and go. Just sell off all my shit and leave the country. Leave my family. Leave my friends. Tell nobody maybe. Just start over somewhere where I'm not in anyway connected to my past.

Honestly I'm not afraid of dying. I may be afraid of HOW that goes but if I died right now. I'd be fine w/ it. I'm 29. And my 20s have been so hard for me. My greatest period was fall 2008- fall 2010. I could say that right there. I had some glimmer of hope of a future to look forward to.

The one thing that my father never wanted me to do was to become him in some way. He didn't want me to struggle like he did. He wanted me to become someone who didn't have to risk it all to survive. And I have. So many goddamn times. And it hurts me that I had to be who I am today. That kid back in 1999 was extremely happy and hopeful. He saw his whole fucking future and he was going to take it. Today? I think of shooting myself in the head every goddamn day when I wake up just out of spite almost. Just to motivate me almost. But I don't. Cuz... I want to see wtf happens next. To see wtf can get my attention today. If I can find what I want. I seriously don't see a future for me. I don't know WTF I'm doing in my 30s or 40s or 50s. Not even a goddamn sliver of an idea as to what I could be doing. I take it day by day. I just don't really like anything. I could continue w/ what I'm doing now and for others that'd be fine but... I only took it to do something cuz it was better than doing nothing essentially. People are jealous of my life at times but I've just become so goddamn good at achieving to get where I am that I am viewed as a success. I'm not that though. That's just the outside. The inner gears in my head are tired. They're fractured.

I don't have goals really. Just to survive. It's the one thing that I only do what I do now cuz it was just to fucking do something to get away and it was a great thing to do. But... I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've no purpose.

I'm seriously thinking about either leaving the country. Maybe joining the army. Still within the age limit, I'm told, and apparently over fucking qualified in all ways for it. Or fuck if I know anymore. Just so that I can essentially force myself to be put in a situation where I can start again almost. Cuz I don't see myself being productive in anyway that I find appealing to me. I'm just numbed by it all, man. And I don't feel like killing myself yet but I'm not sure what I need to do.

Maybe leaving it all and starting over is what I need. My lease is up in July. I'm seriously trying to figure it out by point. That's my "time limit" of figuring it all out. I dunno.

Anyway... that's my fucking rant.

Here's a gif:



Sorry to hear what you have gone through the past 16 years and how you feel now.

One thing on your side is that you are still young and the future can be brighter if you decide to make the changes you are considering.

Don't be like me, I haven't done anything the past 5 years to change my life, and I am in the lowest state I have ever been in. I am much older than you and I feel like I have wasted my life away. After my divorce and losing my life savings, I have pretty much given up. But I guess it is not complete as I am still alive and I guess that means there is some small part in me that has hope, but it is getting smaller by the day.

Dan 12-07-15 09:30 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
That's some heavy shit, Snake.
I can't offer any advice, but damn.

As for me, I'm 33 and under-educated. Working in oil & gas (for now), with a big daunting move in the next two months. If I could have done shit differently in my 20's, I would have.
My wife and kid keep me happy, so there's that.
But career-wise, I need to figure myself out and make a plan.

Why So Blu? 12-07-15 10:09 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Can't really say too much to what has already been said. I am also much older than you but it is hard when a parent dies and you have to take the reigns. I'm the oldest and only son and seems at times that my two younger sisters are more successful than me. Granted, I make really good money for what I do and the time that it takes doing it but it's nothing fancy - although it is fulfilling.

One good thing that I can say that came from my dad's passing in 2013 is that it cemented the family bonds. I guess it was the year leading up to his death where we all came together as one to help him. We basically all became caregivers and it sure as hell was a major inconvenience but our own selfishness and feelings had to be set aside for him, because he was the one that was sick. I hate to think that if we had bailed we'd all be wrecks right now. I think we came out of it much stronger and much more decent people.

Personally, my goals, which seem unattainable is to make money without leaving the house. Whether that says I have depression or not, I don't know. But that would be awesome. I will be leaving L.A. in the next 2-3 years and if I don't have the money saved up to live on I will pull a hail mary and cash out my retirement plan and just buy a place with the money. I'm fortunate that I have a pension and possible social security if I make it to my mid-60's but I think having a fully paid off home trumps the early withdrawal penalties.

In any event, Snake - I would suggest you find things that you actually like and immerse yourself in them. Bang more white girls? You're an athlete, too, right? Continue to cultivate that. Granted, if you're having suicidal thoughts then it's best you seek council. Any day above ground is a good day.

General Zod 12-07-15 10:44 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I feel fortunate and happy with where I am. As things stand today I couldn't ask for more. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a wonderful house in a beautiful neighborhood. Our son is trying to become a pilot and he's moved away and I wish things were going better for him but we've got his back and he's doing OK. I'm very aggressive about achieving goals and he is not.. so I just get frustrated when he says he's not getting where he wants to be because I know his effort level is low.

All I can say is I've had some low times. Learn from them and use them to make yourself better. Try not to step on people on the way up and instead work with them and move up together. Don't burn bridges no matter how much you may want to.

PatD 12-07-15 10:49 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by brayzie (Post 12664063)
That's crazy but I can relate with some of that (college taking forever, living situation).
You're still trying to obtain a college transfer, what are you hopting to major in?

I was working towards a Visual Communications Degree, but after my manic episode and all the time it took to recover from it, it had been reduced to a Certificate. So, at present, I'm not sure what to do--maybe Psychology--perhaps become a hypnotherapist.

devilshalo 12-07-15 11:50 AM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
In a word. No. Doing what I can to control what I can. Job? Who knows.

It's been lay-offs for the past 8 years at my company. Should I be looking? Probably. But in January, it will be 15 years. They've been very good to those they do let go, so why rock the boat? If it happens, it happens. I take a healthy severance. I get a new job, that all goes away and I'm climbing the ladder again to build that up. :shrug: Might as well stick it out. No one else does my job so I have a little security. Morale was already at a low before the hack.

I have a secondary job. Not something I can segue into replacing the full time job. It's more supplemental. I work long frickin hours. No time to work on the condo I just bought. It's getting close to Alan Smithee proportions. Ok, so not really.

I do what small things I can to try and enjoy life. Control what you can control. Set small and large goals. Be good to yourself first.

Tracer Bullet 12-07-15 12:11 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Eh. I moved to Oregon in April after almost two decades in New York, because the city was really getting to me and if I stayed I was going to end up snapping and pushing someone in front of a train. Work is fine, Portland is fine, but establishing a new social circle as a single mid-30s man is pretty damn hard. Been here for over 8 months and just now feeling like I have a couple of sort of friends.

And, I might be realizing that I miss New York and want to go back. I felt at home there in a way I don't feel here.

nando820 12-07-15 12:21 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
^people in the Northwest are Cold as Ice

Nick Danger 12-07-15 12:22 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Why So Blu? (Post 12664197)
Can't really say too much to what has already been said. I am also much older than you but it is hard when a parent dies and you have to take the reigns. I'm the oldest and only son and seems at times that my two younger sisters are more successful than me. Granted, I make really good money for what I do and the time that it takes doing it but it's nothing fancy - although it is fulfilling.

Don't sweat it if your sisters are more successful than you. You're making good money doing something you enjoy, and that puts you ahead of most of the world. They might feel envious of you.

My sister is more successful than I am. She is driven. She doesn't read forums on the internet, she never watches TV or movies, and if she's staying still it's only because she's asleep in bed. When she came here for vacation, I drove her places, and she stayed caught up on work email from the back seat. I'm a lot more mellow, and I'm satisfied to be live differently.

Tracer Bullet 12-07-15 12:41 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by nando820 (Post 12664329)
^people in the Northwest are Cold as Ice

More so in Seattle than Portland. ;)

Whiskey Warfield 12-07-15 01:00 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by nando820 (Post 12664329)
^people in the Northwest are Cold as Ice

But the Southern girls, with the way they talk, keep their boyfriends warm at night.

printerati 12-07-15 01:08 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by Screwadu (Post 12664366)
But the Southern girls, with the way they talk, keep their boyfriends warm at night.

Yeah, that won't help Tracer.

candyrocket786 12-07-15 01:54 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by General Zod (Post 12664222)
I feel fortunate and happy with where I am. As things stand today I couldn't ask for more. I have a good job, a great marriage, and a wonderful house in a beautiful neighborhood. Our son is trying to become a pilot and he's moved away and I wish things were going better for him but we've got his back and he's doing OK. I'm very aggressive about achieving goals and he is not.. so I just get frustrated when he says he's not getting where he wants to be because I know his effort level is low.

All I can say is I've had some low times. Learn from them and use them to make yourself better. Try not to step on people on the way up and instead work with them and move up together. Don't burn bridges no matter how much you may want to.

Words to live by right there.

DJariya 12-07-15 01:54 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by hanshotfirst1138 (Post 12663991)
No, but I don't have much right to complain considering that I never make any effort to change it. What's wrong in my life right now is my own damn fault.

Sounds to me like your extremely unmotivated. You've mentioned how miserable you are in previous threads. Unless you're too scared to take a chance for change, you're going to be stuck in your dead end retail job in your small town with no hope for betterment.

For starters, is it not feasible for you to get the hell out of your town and move to a bigger city with more opportunities? Would you be too scared to move to LA for example? What did you go to college for? Rather than coming here every now and then pitying yourself, why not make the effort? If you don't take a risk, you'll never know. No rewards without risk.

RichC2 12-07-15 02:04 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
I've been in that boat many times, the worst is that nothing interests or keeps you interested.

I got a dog, for no real reason, it has helped a lot. But then I've also done the "pack up and move somewhere far away" thing a few times too (for jobs) which, at the very least, was a good distraction.

DJariya 12-07-15 02:18 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 

Originally Posted by RichC2 (Post 12664439)
I've been in that boat many times, the worst is that nothing interests or keeps you interested.

I got a dog, for no real reason, it has helped a lot. But then I've also done the "pack up and move somewhere far away" thing a few times too (for jobs) which, at the very least, was a good distraction.

When I went to college, I started as a Pre-Business major. Quickly realized, I don't like accounting and I don't like working with numbers and I don't read the Business section of the paper. It seemed like the safe way to go. I also don't like math or science either.

I know not everyone is in a position to pursue a hobby as a career, but I said to myself that I like sports and television, and that's what I thought I would be good at. So I quickly changed my major to TV/Film and pursued it as a career. Made many phone calls, sent out blind resumes and got my 1st internship with FOX Sports when they were starting out back in 1996 and got hired as staff 1 month after college. My career is already approaching 20 years. It hasn't been easy and believe me I've had my fair share of problems along the way, but I took a chance and it paid off. I've met many great people over the years and that is also one of the factors that has kept me in this business so long. Again, I know not everyone can do this, but I pursued something I enjoyed and was passionate about.

RichC2 12-07-15 02:20 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
The thing about it is finding that thing that you're passionate about. That's tough when literally nothing seems to interest you anymore

Regardless, that's an awesome story of trying and succeeding right there :up:

EddieMoney 12-07-15 02:34 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Only thing that interests me anymore is DVDs. I come here and everyone is posting about Blu-Rays and 4K video.

It's depressing.

Hiro11 12-07-15 03:13 PM

Re: Are you happy with your life?
 
Some of the stories here have genuinely affected me. I hope some of you can continue to find the strength in yourselves and those you're connected with the get through the day.

Speaking for myself, shit's tight.


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