Go Back  DVD Talk Forum > General Discussions > Other Talk
Reload this Page >

Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Other Talk "Otterville" plus Religion and Politics

Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Old 11-21-15, 12:55 PM
  #1  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

So this isn't one of nickdawgy's famous car threads, or loan threads. I don't have any crazy neighbors or houseguests that won't leave. No, this is for a buddy of mine.

Here's the story, and please bare with me, I'm paraphrasing this from all the texts he sent me. We've known each other for about 7 years now. He's married, has a kid about my son's age. We worked together in the past, he's a great guy. A bit misunderstood sometimes with his intentions, but he means well.

Anyhow, he goes on Facebook and while doing his usual thing (like this post, reply to this one, whatever) he sees a friend from school he hasn't heard from in at least 20 years. They were acquaintances but never really hung out.

So they start talking, and want to meet up for lunch. Eventually they talk more and more, and the talk turns into meeting up for more. Now keep in mind, his wife and he have what is considered an open relationship. I guess they're like swingers but not. I dunno. Anyway, his wife knew about the meet up.

So he tells me they hook up, and then she hangs out with him and his wife and son the next day. The wife thinks she's a cool person, they get along, whatever.

Then they start spending more time together. They go out of town for the weekend. Then he stays at her place for the weekend. Then they spend another weekend at a hotel. So for four of five straight weekends, he is with her. The wife is doing her own thing, she's fully aware of it, and they still talk and whatnot.

So eventually my buddy and his friend start getting close, and develop feelings for each other. Then it happens....he gets her pregnant. He told me (and I was surprised, but not surprised) and said he wasn't gonna run off, he'd be a good father. She never really thought about kids but she's had an abortion before, so she's going to try this time.

The wife is surprisingly cool with the info. I think she said it was a sibling to her kid at the very least. Yeah, odd. But okay. Anyhow, he told me he was wanting to talk to someone about it, and instead of talking to her or his wife or me, he goes to her best friend of 12 years. He tells her the news and asks she keep it quiet. Keep in mind he barely knew the best friend but she told him she knows her best and she can help out with any support if he needs to talk.

He tells the friend other things about their relationship, how happy he is, etc. A few days later, the friend says she can't live with the guilt of hiding the fact she knows about the pregnancy, and tells him to tell her or she will. So he mans up, and tells her he told her.

That's when all hell broke loose. She stopped returning his texts, or answering his calls. I guess they talked every day or whatnot, and she was a chatterbox, so for her to stop texting was a big thing. The next day, after a few texts saying he's sorry and he didn't mean harm, she goes off on him. She basically tells him to leave her alone, to fuck off, etc. Also, I guess she's not friends with her best friend anymore since the friend never told her about knowing the truth.

Does this sound like a Jerry Springer episode yet?

So my buddy is crushed. He was in love with this girl, saw a future with her, etc. His wife realizes his feelings and they talk about it, but she says no matter what happens, they'll (him and his wife) always be there for each other. Aww.

So he sends an email to the girl. Says he knows he's wrong but whatever happens, he stills wants to be the father of the year for the kid. She emails him back and says "call me."

So he calls her back and they talk about her future appointments, ultrasounds, just misc baby stuff. He mentions again that he's sorry and she just kind of tells him he should of thought of that before he talked to her.

After the call, she texts him about the clothes she bought him for his birthday. They just arrived at her place, and she says if you still want them, you can pay me for them. He tells her to return them because he thought they were a gift. Then she starts brining up the time she bought lunch or what hotels she's paid for. He mentions he's paid for this and that, and they have a little debate. He texts her this long rant that says she hurt him, too, and if that's what she wants, fine.

So she calls him, and asks what that text was about. He had never gotten angry with her until right at that point. They have a long talk and she says she isn't talking to him because she doesn't know what she'd say or what they'd talk about. Remember, most of their texts were nonsense according to him, just playful banter. She then tells him he hurt her more than anyone ever has and she doesn't want to be hurt again.

He asked her if she meant what she said when she said he was her soulmate, and she said she meant everything, but what he did erased all that. I thought this was a bit weird, but I don't know her pain so I guess I can't comment too much on it.

So she tells him she needs space. Which is like the kiss of death for relationships. He hasn't talked to her since that phone call, just sending a few texts to wish her a good day or let her know he's thinking about her.

Now here's my take. I think that she just told him that to get him to forget about her. She had told him that she didn't want to break up their marriage if he was happy, and maybe she can't deal with being just friends. Maybe he can't take a hint, so she is telling him this way. She ignores the texts, when she could just say "GO AWAY" but she hasn't. So I'm not sure.

Anyhow, I have met her and she seems nice. A bit of a yuppie though. Makes $100k a year, spends like there's no tomorrow, eats at fine restaurants, stuff like that. He, on the other hand, is a good friend and I feel for him, as dumb as he may act sometimes.

So what do you think? Is she taking the time to think about things? Or does space mean it's over? Should he wait it out or say fuck you, call me when my kid is born?

tl;dr: My friend knocked up an old girlfriend from school. His wife knows, she's dealing with it. He likes the girlfriend, but she isn't talking to him now because he told someone she was pregnant. What does he do?
Old 11-21-15, 01:02 PM
  #2  
DVD Talk Legend
 
milo bloom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Chicago suburbs
Posts: 13,652
Received 64 Likes on 46 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Too late to abort? (Not kidding, that kid would not be coming into a good atmosphere of family).
Old 11-21-15, 01:09 PM
  #3  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
BearFan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 8,083
Received 9 Likes on 8 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Next time, just pee in her butt. Don't think she can get knocked up from that.
Old 11-21-15, 01:20 PM
  #4  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by milo bloom View Post
Too late to abort? (Not kidding, that kid would not be coming into a good atmosphere of family).
Apparently they've both gone through it and have agreed it's not a wise choice. The kid will be well taken care of, and spoiled. She has money, and so does her family. I keep telling him it'll be like one of those awkward movies where he brings a gift to him/her for the birthday party and it's overshadowed by this huge gift from Mom

Originally Posted by BearFan View Post
Next time, just pee in her butt. Don't think she can get knocked up from that.
Maybe he did that, too. I heard she was really into a lot of stuff.
Old 11-21-15, 01:24 PM
  #5  
DVD Talk Hero
 
TomOpus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 34,458
Received 77 Likes on 62 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Remember, most of their texts were nonsense according to him, just playful banter.
This is where one can get into trouble. As we all know texts can lose so much content since you can't hear voice inflections or see their face.

He should give her some time but they do need to have a really good sit-down to get all the cards on the table. There's a baby coming and decisions have to be made soon. They both need to decide what's best for the baby.

Oh....You're friend is a dumbass on several levels.
Old 11-21-15, 01:26 PM
  #6  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Troy Stiffler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Under an I-10 Overpass
Posts: 22,239
Received 14 Likes on 13 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

That's fucked. I hope the sex was awesome.

Do what I do. Come up with an optimistic and positive plan. Try it out. And then see what happens.

If she wants space, don't bother her. Let her contact him.

Be friendly. Stay positive. Try to stick to the optimistic plan. There's nothing wrong with having two families. You just have to get all three adults to have the right attitude about it.
Old 11-21-15, 01:28 PM
  #7  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by TomOpus View Post
This is where one can get into trouble. As we all know texts can lose so much content since you can't hear voice inflections or see their face.

He should give her some time but they do need to have a really good sit-down to get all the cards on the table. There's a baby coming and decisions have to be made soon. They both need to decide what's best for the baby.

Oh....You're friend is a dumbass on several levels.
He's heard that from all sides. I guess her family hates him, too. He's only got a HS diploma, she's got an MBA. He makes 40k a year, she makes 100k. Stuff like that.

I talked to one of their mutual friends that knows of the situation. Apparently he talked to her and she was like "he needs to leave me alone". Not sure if she said that or that's the vibe he picked up.

Legally he has a right to see and spend time with the kid, right? I mean I know she can keep him out of the loop with appointments and checkups, and especially the birth, but not withhold the baby from him?

He just sent me a text and said he texted her again to say he missed her
Old 11-21-15, 01:30 PM
  #8  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by Troy Stiffler View Post
That's fucked. I hope the sex was awesome.

Do what I do. Come up with an optimistic and positive plan. Try it out. And then see what happens.

If she wants space, don't bother her. Let her contact him.

Be friendly. Stay positive. Try to stick to the optimistic plan. There's nothing wrong with having two families. You just have to get all three adults to have the right attitude about it.
That's what I keep saying. I'm like "leave the chick alone, it's hormones"

He's all telling me he can't eat or sleep and everything reminds him of her. I think of the scene from the Naked Gun when he says that, lol.

I don't think there will be a problem with the kid being loved. If anything, that's the best thing to come out of this.
Old 11-21-15, 01:40 PM
  #9  
DVD Talk Legend
 
kenbuzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Bloomington, IN
Posts: 21,378
Received 53 Likes on 38 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

You said he's hurting inside. Did she give him the herpes?
Old 11-21-15, 01:43 PM
  #10  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Troy Stiffler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 1999
Location: Under an I-10 Overpass
Posts: 22,239
Received 14 Likes on 13 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Also, money would make this work better for him. He's really going to figure out how to make more of it if he wants this to work.
Old 11-21-15, 01:48 PM
  #11  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: La Crosse, WI
Posts: 15,553
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Ship the whole lot of em out to Utah.
Old 11-21-15, 02:14 PM
  #12  
DVD Talk Reviewer
 
Kurt D's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 7,617
Received 53 Likes on 43 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Should have left it at 'tl;dr' - that's a minute of skimming time I'm never getting back. Are these people fucking 12 years old or something?

Sounds like everyone involved has too much time on their hands (including you for still being interested in this, Nick).

Let's all just walk away now.
Old 11-21-15, 03:01 PM
  #13  
DVD Talk Limited Edition
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: MA
Posts: 6,865
Likes: 0
Received 57 Likes on 44 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

I just wanted to know the interest rate, so I stopped reading after first sentence.
Old 11-21-15, 03:12 PM
  #14  
DVD Talk Hero
 
Josh-da-man's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: The Bible Belt
Posts: 32,796
Received 124 Likes on 96 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Sounds like a royal fucking mess.

Everyone involved seems to have their set of issues, and it doesn't seem like something that will end well.
Old 11-21-15, 03:32 PM
  #15  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by kenbuzz View Post
You said he's hurting inside. Did she give him the herpes?
Anything is possible.

Originally Posted by Troy Stiffler View Post
Also, money would make this work better for him. He's really going to figure out how to make more of it if he wants this to work.
I don't think she'd ask for child support.


Originally Posted by Kurtie Dee View Post
Should have left it at 'tl;dr' - that's a minute of skimming time I'm never getting back. Are these people fucking 12 years old or something?

Sounds like everyone involved has too much time on their hands (including you for still being interested in this, Nick).

Let's all just walk away now.
He talks about it all. The. Time. So maybe I'm trying to put it to rest.

Originally Posted by Deadman31 View Post
I just wanted to know the interest rate, so I stopped reading after first sentence.
20% chance of it working out. But he got the extended warranty so there's hope.

Originally Posted by Josh-da-man View Post
Sounds like a royal fucking mess.

Everyone involved seems to have their set of issues, and it doesn't seem like something that will end well.
Like I said. Springer.
Old 11-21-15, 03:36 PM
  #16  
DVD Talk Reviewer
 
Kurt D's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 7,617
Received 53 Likes on 43 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Put it to rest be letting him know he, this other woman, and whoever the hell the 'friend' is, that they are behaving like adolescent idiots. (the nookie must be pretty good, though.)
Old 11-21-15, 03:37 PM
  #17  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Well I dunno. He said she was the best he's ever had. But I guess that's beside the point now. Lol.
Old 11-21-15, 03:40 PM
  #18  
DVD Talk Reviewer
 
Kurt D's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 7,617
Received 53 Likes on 43 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by nickdawgy View Post
Well I dunno. He said she was the best he's ever had. But I guess that's beside the point now. Lol.
Men have no ability to look past the next 20 minutes of pleasure ...
Old 11-21-15, 04:04 PM
  #19  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
 
Nth Power's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,405
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

The wife is surprisingly cool with the info. I think she said it was a sibling to her kid at the very least. Yeah, odd. But okay. Anyhow, he told me he was wanting to talk to someone about it, and instead of talking to her or his wife or me, he goes to her best friend of 12 years. He tells her the news and asks she keep it quiet. Keep in mind he barely knew the best friend but she told him she knows her best and she can help out with any support if he needs to talk.
I don't get this. Wife was cool, other girl was cool. It doesn't seem like he had anything to hide. Why would he go to blab to the friend? Everything seemed pretty calm on both sides until then.
Old 11-21-15, 04:11 PM
  #20  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
Obey The D's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 8,625
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by milo bloom View Post
Too late to abort?
By at least several decades apparently.
Old 11-21-15, 04:11 PM
  #21  
DVD Talk Reviewer
 
Kurt D's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 7,617
Received 53 Likes on 43 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by Nth Power View Post
I don't get this. Wife was cool, other girl was cool. It doesn't seem like he had anything to hide. Why would he go to blab to the friend? Everything seemed pretty calm on both sides until then.
he wanted to tap the best friend, too, and possibly set up a four-way
Old 11-21-15, 04:28 PM
  #22  
Challenge Guru & Comic Nerd
 
Trevor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: spiritually, Minnesota
Posts: 35,435
Received 129 Likes on 96 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Holy crap, I read the entire first post and am so glad that I naturally repel drama. I've never had any friend or circumstance in my life that would even remotely touch that level of stupid drama.
Old 11-21-15, 04:52 PM
  #23  
DVD Talk Legend
 
GoldenJCJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Colorado
Posts: 15,060
Received 141 Likes on 102 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

My take: dispite what she has said, she's already aborted the kid. She's keeping your friend aways so he won't find out. It's over between them.

If I were him I'd cut my losses and enjoy life with the wife. I know it's an open marriage but she sounds too good to be true.
Old 11-21-15, 05:20 PM
  #24  
DVD Talk Limited Edition
 
arminius's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Here I Is!
Posts: 6,967
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

The kids I went to high school with are more mature than the 20s and 30s of today. What a bunch of naive and silly bastards.
Old 11-21-15, 05:58 PM
  #25  
DVD Talk Hero
Thread Starter
 
nickdawgy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Southern Cal-ee-for-nee
Posts: 29,783
Received 34 Likes on 21 Posts
Re: Trying To Help A Friend That's Hurting Inside....Advice?

Originally Posted by Nth Power View Post
I don't get this. Wife was cool, other girl was cool. It doesn't seem like he had anything to hide. Why would he go to blab to the friend? Everything seemed pretty calm on both sides until then.
I think he said she was getting weird about pressure from her family. Him being married, not as educated, etc. So he wanted another opinion.

Originally Posted by Kurtie Dee View Post
he wanted to tap the best friend, too, and possibly set up a four-way
I hope not. She wasn't that cute and was kind of mannish.

Originally Posted by GoldenJCJ View Post
My take: dispite what she has said, she's already aborted the kid. She's keeping your friend aways so he won't find out. It's over between them.

If I were him I'd cut my losses and enjoy life with the wife. I know it's an open marriage but she sounds too good to be true.
Wow. That'd be jacked up. But she could just tell him for spite of that was the case.

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.