Go Back  DVD Talk Forum > General Discussions > Other Talk
Reload this Page >

Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Other Talk "Otterville"

Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Old 11-14-15, 04:38 PM
  #1  
DVD Talk Legend
Thread Starter
 
Abob Teff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Not necessarily Formerly known as Solid Snake
Posts: 24,736
Received 469 Likes on 343 Posts
Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

OK, I'm taking a leap and letting you crusty sumbitches rake me over the coals once again. Since Eddie Money's thread seems to have run its course, it's time for an other marital debacle in Otterville ...

My wife and I have been married 20 years, 4 kids (2 teenagers, 2 over 18), and we have had issues for a long time. Approximately 10 years ago we separated for about a year. We came back together to raise the kids but now I think the time has come to pull the trigger and put this sick dog down.

We have spent the last few years essentially being our own people. Rarely do we want to do the same things let alone actually go somewhere together. At times we can go days without actually speaking to each other. I've been sleeping on the couch last 9+ months.

I want to leave. We began seriously discussing a divorce last month. (It is pretty sad when our oldest child's response was "It's about time.") We have an appointment with a marriage counselor scheduled this week. She wants to try to work things out; I am looking for help with our transition. (I had a session scheduled with an individual therapist earlier this week, but I had to cancel it due to work. They couldn't reschedule for 3+ weeks so I said never mind.)

I had my mind made up quite some time ago. I am miserable and I can't continue to live a soulless, bland existence which comprises of keeping my head down just to avoid a fight. She is the type who must always have some one to blame (usually not herself) whereas I am the type who believes we just need to accept things and move on. I'm not bitter or angry, I'm just emotionally numb and have been for a long time. There was a time when my wife and I loved each other, but it has long since passed.

Now, prepare your Otter vitriol as I am sure I am going to deserve it for the rest of this ...

I travel frequently for work and have met women a few times for dinner, drinks, and conversation while out of town. I've never gone looking for "a hookup" (believe it or not) and nothing has ever progressed beyond a good meal and (sometimes) good conversation. (I actually have a theory about strangers and interpersonal relationships and am in the planning stages to write a book.)

About three weeks ago things changed; I met somebody. She is married to a man whom she never really loved, nor has he ever really loved her. However, they have kids and that keeps them together. She asked for a divorce earlier this year and they have gone to a counselor (the counselor told them the marriage wasn't salvageable and began working with them to learn how to cope with each other). She said she was looking for a "long-term fling" without any change in anybody's status. We've met for drinks and conversation a couple of times, and have had lots of conversations by phone, e-mail, etc. To say we meshed and hit it off would be a massive understatement.

As I said, I have been very closed off and emotionally numb for a long time. This woman knocked down those walls and marched right in. I had forgotten what love can be.

She has spent the last week out of the country with her husband -- a last ditch effort he made at trying to save their marriage. As she was leaving I told her to take the week to spend on herself and sorting things out, that I wouldn't try to contact her. We didn't make it a day without communicating with each other.

I don't know what I am looking for from you guys ... I just know that I needed to get some of this off my mind. I know I am probably a horrible person who is not only trying to leave his own wrecked marriage, but now I am in the middle of somebody else's sunk/sinking relationship. In the midst of this are two large families. While my kids are old enough to understand and seem to be OK with this (they have been collateral damage from plenty of our fights), her kids are much younger.

No, my wife does not know about this other woman. My wife has asked if there was somebody else (she has thrown that at me since we separated), and I had always been able to honestly tell her no. Now, I don't think I can honestly say that. At the same time, I cannot tell her there is somebody else. She will think there was somebody else all along.

Since I didn't make my therapy appointment and you guys have been looking for some entertainment while Eddie Money's life seems to be settled down ... well, have at it. Give me your best advice, lecture, public flogging, etc.
Old 11-14-15, 04:43 PM
  #2  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: La Crosse, WI
Posts: 15,553
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

If your wife won't give you a divorce, be honest with her and tell her there's someone else, maybe she can move on then.
Old 11-14-15, 04:51 PM
  #3  
TGM
DVD Talk Legend
 
TGM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 16,309
Received 147 Likes on 94 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

it's the shittiest of shitty to do covert shit behind a married partners back. be 100% honest and deal with the consequences.

leave your wife because you want to leave your wife, not because you want to be with some married slut who is too chickenshit to end her marriage properly either. I find you to be a pathetic coward that you are now only willing to finally pull the trigger on your own marriage only when you have another bed to jump into.
Old 11-14-15, 04:52 PM
  #4  
DVD Talk Limited Edition
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 6,535
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Me personally....I wouldn't get involved with this woman....yet.

Clean up your situation first. Get out if thats whats coming. No harm in admitting its not working. But...if you are still dealing with your situation and she's dealing with hers (the other lady) then its just messy if you ask me. Could lead to questions later.

Me personally....I would want to move on with a clean conscience.

And remember one thing. You're only getting the other woman's side of the story. She could very well be in a happy marriage, just looking for a side fling. Just a thought.

Good luck.
Old 11-14-15, 04:54 PM
  #5  
DVD Talk Hero
 
TomOpus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 36,029
Received 403 Likes on 297 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Sounds like you and this new woman are each other's rebound relationship. I don't know if that cancels each other out or if that will be twice the heartbreak.

Both of you have your own battles with someone who will fight the divorce. Usually my advice is to not date for 6 months once your current relationship is over. Another person complicates things and another married person complicates it even more. Not sure if you want to hear this but don't count on this new relationship lasting. Not saying it can't but it's an uphill battle. But sounds like you're already semi-committed to her already.

Personally, I think you should talk to a professional. This this getting complicated and will get worse. What will you do if she changes her mind and go back to him?
Old 11-14-15, 04:55 PM
  #6  
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Formerly known as "Solid Snake PAC"/Denton, Tx
Posts: 39,239
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes on 2 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Damn. 9 months on the couch.

Yeah, man. Divorce her. I think my parents kind of edged the whole staying for the kids but I was never sure cuz by the time I felt that was starting my father passed but it paranoid my 13 year old self.

Tell her that you met someone. And that you feel your relationship as a marriage needs a finality to it and this divorce solidifies that feeling. I can't imagine you living in your own home and not being at home in it. The kids part sucks, for the younger ones. But.. you can't leave yourself in a relationship that has no love for the commitment of the children. Do the younger ones understand where you are as a person in the relationship? Either way... you got to out, man.

EDIT: The thing w/ this other woman, which is good for you to have someone, is still awkward as fuck. What's her story exactly? Together for the kids but how is she handling it as a person in her home? There's so much wrong w/ this now cuz you're involvement w/ this woman but also your own home. You got to clear the table.
Old 11-14-15, 05:10 PM
  #7  
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Llama School
Posts: 6,538
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Go ahead with the divorce.

As for the other woman. Within the last 3 weeks, a married woman, who stated she wants a long term fling, marched right in and made you remember what love is, over a couple of drinks, phone calls, and emails.

She is not the one. More numbness to follow.
Old 11-14-15, 05:18 PM
  #8  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Norm de Plume's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Toronto
Posts: 17,822
Received 295 Likes on 226 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Personally, I would definitely not get involved with this other woman. Sounds like a big, messy can of worms. If marriage counseling is futile, get divorced, but find a woman without baggage of her own. Just the 2 cents of someone who has never been in a relationship, so maybe it's more like 1 cent, or 1 Zimbabwean dollar.
Old 11-14-15, 05:23 PM
  #9  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
Cusm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Moore, OK
Posts: 7,621
Received 17 Likes on 10 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Take care of your situation and yourself first. After 20 years, another relationship, especially with a married woman is the last thing you need.
Old 11-14-15, 05:25 PM
  #10  
DVD Talk Legend
Thread Starter
 
Abob Teff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Not necessarily Formerly known as Solid Snake
Posts: 24,736
Received 469 Likes on 343 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

No excuses and no deflecting ...

NORML -- I have been thinking about this. But here is my reason for concern, although we are talking and things are civil now, my wife can be a very hateful and vindictive person. During our separation she almost cost me my job a few times because she started harassing my female employees and co-workers. It's important that she understands things are over because they are over, not because of somebody else.

TGM -- I get what you are saying TGM and I expect that reaction, but the decision by my wife and I to move forward with moving on was made before I met this other woman. The timing is awkward as fuck and it really complicates things. I respect and completely understand your position, but that's not the case.

FiveO -- Yes, it understandably invokes the above reaction. Yes, I thought about that possibility with her story as well. Honestly, things would be a hell of a lot easier if that was the case.

TomOpus -- We've both questioned the rebound thing. I think a bigger concern than just being a rebound is the possibility that we are just a "fantasy" for the other -- not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. We've both been living emotionless lives and now somebody is paying attention so we latched on. Does that make sense? I agree with your 6-month waiting period advice. My expectation was for a messy divorce followed by a long period of being alone. Strangely, things aren't seeming so messy and that alone period ... well, who knows? I've never clicked with someone the way I have with her. If she goes back to her husband, then I spend time alone (like I should) in a depressive funk (I'm used to it) and gradually move on.

Solid -- I think it has actually been longer (I'm thinking it was right after the holidays last year -- the holidays are always rough around here), but that's a safe guess. Our youngest is a sophomore in high school, so I think we've moved past that concern. Our kids have witnessed vicious fights (physical and emotional) which never should have happened and (I think) they are better prepared for this than we are. As I said, my oldest (who moved out this year) said "It's about time" and offered me a place to stay. It's funny you mentioned "living in your own home and not feeling at home" -- I said this same thing to my wife during one of our conversations. (Her response was I could build an apartment in the garage if I needed my own space.)

Your edit hits the nail on the head ...
Old 11-14-15, 05:45 PM
  #11  
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Formerly known as "Solid Snake PAC"/Denton, Tx
Posts: 39,239
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes on 2 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

I mean, you got the help for it, man. Now's the time. Everyone is owning up to it except the parents. You gotta have that talk and make it a definitive need for you. It's not something you may want. It's something you need. How much resistance do you think you'd have from your wife? I mean, if there's nothing there... than there's nothing there. The kids have accepted it. Now it's ya'lls turn to make the step. That transition will be a bitch cuz the time involved and the moving around but... if it leads to a cleaner slate for you to live on. Do it.

Question: How would this affect your wife exactly? In terms of a response, the whole LITERALLY separating and such.
Old 11-14-15, 05:58 PM
  #12  
DVD Talk Reviewer
 
Kurt D's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 8,891
Received 314 Likes on 224 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Spoiler:
Old 11-14-15, 06:06 PM
  #13  
DVD Talk Legend
Thread Starter
 
Abob Teff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Not necessarily Formerly known as Solid Snake
Posts: 24,736
Received 469 Likes on 343 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Ripley -- yeah, that sums it up. Not that easy, but that's a decent assessment.

Norm -- a woman without baggage? I may as well look for a unicorn or a black astronaut!

Solid, that's something that has me a bit baffled. I expected the typical violent and combative response from her ... She was actually the one who opened up the dialogue and she has been unexpectedly mature about it so far.

As I said, our relationship has been pretty bad more often than not. As in: we both should have been carted off to jail bad. Literally. Earlier this year my daughter actually called the cops to try to have my wife removed during one of our fights (which they didn't do). I've come to believe my wife has mental health issues which she refuses to address. She sees the same problems in her father and one of her sisters, but refuses to see them in herself. I don't blame her, but I can't continue on that path with somebody who doesn't want help.

The fact that she is remaining calm during this both concerns me and makes me think we are finally in the same place on the matter. I think saying "there is somebody else" would put a quick end to the civility. I wish it was as easy as saying there is somebody else; I'm able to deal with the results (I've dealt with it this long), but it would not be fair of me to put the other woman in that line of fire.

Kurtie Dee -- obviously the Simpsons, but I'm not familiar with that ... never mind, I think I just got it ... There are fortune cookies in there!
Old 11-14-15, 06:12 PM
  #14  
DVD Talk Platinum Edition
 
movie diva's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,363
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes on 0 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Sorry to hear about your marriage, but when one of your kids says its about time, its about time. I would fix my own life, before getting involved with someone else, and how much can you believe about this woman's own situation, take your time before you leave one relationship and jump into another. Good Luck. P.S. you better start looking for that unicorn, cause there have been about 20 Black Astronauts...Just saying

Last edited by movie diva; 11-14-15 at 06:20 PM.
Old 11-14-15, 06:13 PM
  #15  
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Formerly known as "Solid Snake PAC"/Denton, Tx
Posts: 39,239
Likes: 0
Received 2 Likes on 2 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Hrmm. The mental issues may be something you want to contol w/ the words you use during all this. Yeah. Maybe don't bring up the other lady.

Good on her in being the one to start it up. Now it's just a, complex, follow up to it. Get it done, bro.

I like to fuck around, I do. It's fun. And I have been in various relationships w/ married women. BUT I've got nothing to worry about. It's just me. Nothing to be worried about except possibly getting my ass kicked by the other man. You... have some baggage on you. Possibly... kind of sort of... back off on this. For the sake of the process? If not, just end it. I know the attraction of something w/ actual emotions is a great thing to fall into but... you got to be careful about this. Both sides are loaded. And now you're getting out.. so more baggage. Tread carefully, amigo.

Last edited by Solid Snake; 11-14-15 at 06:28 PM.
Old 11-14-15, 06:17 PM
  #16  
DVD Talk Platinum Edition
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 3,623
Received 9 Likes on 7 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Originally Posted by FiveO View Post
Me personally....I wouldn't get involved with this woman....yet.

Clean up your situation first. Get out if thats whats coming. No harm in admitting its not working. But...if you are still dealing with your situation and she's dealing with hers (the other lady) then its just messy if you ask me. Could lead to questions later.

Me personally....I would want to move on with a clean conscience.

And remember one thing. You're only getting the other woman's side of the story. She could very well be in a happy marriage, just looking for a side fling. Just a thought.

Good luck.
Old 11-14-15, 07:19 PM
  #17  
DVD Talk Hero
 
Nick Danger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 26,554
Received 539 Likes on 361 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

It's time to start moving towards divorce. Nine months on the couch is too long.

As for this woman: If you were looking for a new car, would you buy the first one that you saw advertised? The first car you look at will make you feel happy and excited. There are other, more suitable cars on the market. It's a natural reaction, but you can do better. Don't get too excited because you're talking to the first woman in twenty years whose been attracted to you. There will be others who are more suitable for you.

Do NOT get involved with married women. My rule has always been, "If she wants to cheat on her husband, it won't be with me." You will be the villain in her marriage. You will be the homewrecker. You will get emotionally entangled with someone you know is a cheater. Just stay away.

Last edited by Nick Danger; 11-14-15 at 07:25 PM.
Old 11-14-15, 07:26 PM
  #18  
DVD Talk Gold Edition
 
Nth Power's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,405
Likes: 0
Received 1 Like on 1 Post
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Both you and this other woman should end your current relationships before getting involved any further. The last thing you want is Jerry Springer-like drama in your life.
Old 11-14-15, 07:33 PM
  #19  
DVD Talk Legend
Thread Starter
 
Abob Teff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Not necessarily Formerly known as Solid Snake
Posts: 24,736
Received 469 Likes on 343 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Originally Posted by movie diva View Post
Sorry to hear about your marriage, but when one of your kids says its about time, its about time. I would fix my own life, before getting involved with someone else, and how much can you believe about this woman's own situation, take your time before you leave one relationship and jump into another. Good Luck. P.S. you better start looking for that unicorn, cause there have been about 20 Black Astronauts...Just saying
Thanks MovieDiva. BTW, that was a joke from Archer ...

Old 11-14-15, 07:51 PM
  #20  
DVD Talk Legend
Thread Starter
 
Abob Teff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Not necessarily Formerly known as Solid Snake
Posts: 24,736
Received 469 Likes on 343 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Nick -- I get it, I really do. It's funny you use the car analogy. That was a major source of friction with us for a long time. She "needed" a new car (hers had 200,000+ miles on it but nothing mechanically wrong with it; it was getting old and worn out -- like me) but I wouldn't run out and buy one. It took several months of me busting my ass to save up money (I refuse to do a loan, right NickDawgy?) and another 3-4 months of me trying to cut through her emotional reactions to finally get her into something (about two months ago) that worked and fit the budget.

During that process I had said "I'm buying you a car and then we are done." I guess it's working out that way ...

I understand everybody's reaction that this is a rebound or a "port in a storm" but it doesn't feel like that. I wasn't looking for a new place to hang my hat, just a kindred spirit who might be able to help me through this. My immediate family is not close (emotionally) and we have spent our marriage focused on our kids and ourselves. This is pathetic, but you guys are as close as I get to having friends who I can actually talk to about personal issues.

Which kind of brings me to my theory and what got the story to this point ... It is easier for us to talk to strangers about difficult personal issues than it is to talk to our loved ones. Strangers come at us with a blank slate and no bias. It is easier to talk to a person who you know does not have a vested emotional stake in the issue.

Then again, maybe I'm just a messed up individual.
Old 11-14-15, 08:24 PM
  #21  
DVD Talk Hero
 
davidh777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Home of 2013 NFL champion Seahawks
Posts: 46,451
Received 330 Likes on 275 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

I don't think you're a bad person, but I agree that it's a good idea to figure out and settle your own situation before you get into anything new. Maybe this other woman IS The One. If she is, she'll settle her own matters so you can be together. Maybe she won't want to wait for you, and when the dust settles you'll be alone. That'd still be better than staying in a bad relationship because you'll have taken a step toward moving on with your life.
Old 11-14-15, 08:59 PM
  #22  
DVD Talk Hero
 
Nick Danger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 26,554
Received 539 Likes on 361 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Originally Posted by Abob Teff View Post
I understand everybody's reaction that this is a rebound or a "port in a storm" but it doesn't feel like that.
Of course not. How many times have you heard an intelligent person say, "But it's different with us!" You're thinking with hormones.

This forum has a strong history of giving members good advice that gets ignored. So far everyone in the thread is telling you not to get involved with this woman. Are you going to try to break the history?
Old 11-14-15, 09:07 PM
  #23  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Mrs. Danger's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: With Nick Danger
Posts: 18,802
Received 341 Likes on 199 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

She sounds saner than you are, and I still say you should not have any kind of a fling until you are officially divorced.

Emotional issues aside, your legal future will be much, much, much less complicated.
Old 11-14-15, 09:36 PM
  #24  
DVD Talk Legend
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Formerly known as Groucho AND Bandoman/Death Moans, Iowa
Posts: 17,776
Received 168 Likes on 115 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

Since no one else is saying it, I'll address the elephant in the room:

What are the odds of a threesome with your wife and the new chick?

I'm, uh, asking for a friend... You! You're the friend! I'm asking for you!
Old 11-14-15, 10:31 PM
  #25  
DVD Talk Hall of Fame
 
BearFan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Corinth, TX
Posts: 8,203
Received 35 Likes on 30 Posts
Re: Pretty sure I want to leave ... a spinoff from an Eddie Money thread

You need to take care of your marriage first. If you go forward with this other woman, the divorce will turn into "it is all his fault, he cheated" no matter what else went on. That will be the narrative told to your kids, family, friends, etc and you can plan on the time of your affair being backdated way before it happened. You'll also be the bad guy on the other end of the equation.

If you want to leave, get the paperwork started and when it is done ... and her's is done and you want to give it a shot, go for it ... but not before. I have seen this happen before and it really never ends well .. neither for your divorce, nor for any future relationship with this woman.

My 2 cents

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.