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Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

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Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Old 03-10-15, 09:09 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Ash Ketchum View Post
Who is she on the phone with all that time? Who is it that she can't live without? Can you talk to some of them? Does she have any friends or family members who might sympathize with you?

Sounds to me like she needs professional help. Hopefully there are phone addiction therapists emerging to deal with this phenomenon.
Playing games, checking Facebook, texting people. She doesn't try to hide it from me, I can see what she's doing. Her mother, sister, and brother have been very vocal about her laziness and phone addiction and how she is ruining her marriage. When her sister (twin) suspects she is out somewhere, she often ends up calling and scolding her.

I have a wonderful relationship with her family and they do think very highly of me.
Old 03-10-15, 09:12 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by creekdipper View Post
Sorry to hear about your troubles, Eddie.

I read through the thread twice but still may have missed this:

1. What does she say when you ask her about her behavior and tell her how you feel? (Noted that she rejected the idea of counseling)

2. What does she say about how she feels about the kids' well-being?

3. What does she spend her (the family's, assuming you don't keep paychecks separate) money on aside from going out with her friends? If that's causing a financial strain or enabling her to 'escape', is there any way of controlling her access to family funds?

4. Sounds as though she was previously divorced (not widowed or unmarried mom). If so, what caused the first divorce?

5. Do you have any relatives willing to keep the kids for a weekend so that you can talk? Or go out for dinner, or do something together if that's possible? If
that's a possibility, might be good to keep it low-key but public so as to avoid a big fight.

6. Does she argue with you a lot and act resentful about the marriage? Why does she say she goes out so much?

7. Also...and this is a long shot but a possibility...is it possible that she's going through either some form of mental illness or chemical imbalances? My wife is an R.N. and she & many of our friends as well as patients have gone through mood swings until the hormones got balanced. It doesn't always show up as depression; sometimes there are some noticeable behavioral changes that are out of character.

Just a few thoughts in case there's any way of saving the marriage if possible. It's a bad situation, but is it totally hopeless? Doesn't sound as though there have been physical altercations, but the kids have to have noticed.

If you have a friend whom you can trust and who has a good ear, try to unload if necessary if only to avoid getting into a big fight in front of the kids and for your own well-being. Sometimes really bad situations can be overcome, and hoping that's the case here. Sometimes one person has already made up his/her mind and there's no turning back.

I'm sure everyone in this thread is thinking (and/or) praying for you, man.
Just to respond to one point...she has been on antidepressants for a few years. They helped her considerably for awhile. Now it seems as if the medication isn't working, and her mood swings are ridiculous. She may even be bi-polar. She can be very happy one day, then the next dwells on everything she feels is "negative" in her life. She will often scream at my stepson (who has behavioral issues, wonder why), and use very harsh language. I obviously don't agree with this, and when I tell her to please stop, she'll go off on me as well.
Old 03-10-15, 09:23 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
Playing games, checking Facebook, texting people. She doesn't try to hide it from me, I can see what she's doing. Her mother, sister, and brother have been very vocal about her laziness and phone addiction and how she is ruining her marriage. When her sister (twin) suspects she is out somewhere, she often ends up calling and scolding her.

I have a wonderful relationship with her family and they do think very highly of me.
Can you swap your wife for her twin?
Old 03-10-15, 09:44 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

This sucks man.
I hate to sound pessimistic but I would guess she has something goin on or at least in the works. Minus the kids, this is almost exactly what happened to me before my divorce. Always on that fucking phone either texting or on Facebook. The problem with relationships now is that it's so easy to give up and move on when things get difficult because you're constantly bombarded by other options.
I hope I'm wrong and things work out for you two.
Old 03-10-15, 11:47 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by DVD Josh View Post
Can you swap your wife for her twin?
How do we know they haven't already swapped???
Old 03-10-15, 11:51 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Toddarino View Post
The problem with relationships now is that it's so easy to give up and move on when things get difficult because you're constantly bombarded by other options.
Yup. First I heard that my ex was unhappy in a leave-the-relationship way was when she left. Eddie, I admire that you're giving her a fighting chance and I'm sorry that she doesn't seem to care.
Old 03-10-15, 11:51 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
No, no one that would know about. She acts like she shouldn't be required to do anything and just be showered with affection all the time. I don't understand this mindset. Too much fucking Grey's Anatomy?
Give her 50 Shades of Grey's Anatomy.
Old 03-10-15, 11:57 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by joliom View Post
My mother remarried when I was 11 and had my (half) sister. She divorced my stepfather when I was 18 and they had a very contentious relationship for many years after the split. But despite that, I continued to enjoy a great relationship with him and he remains in my life to this day. So there's nothing to say that divorcing your wife means you'll never see your stepson again. If it does end in divorce, invite your stepson to stay with you whenever your daughter stays over. Take him to movies, sporting events, camping and stuff. Even if your ex hates your guts, she might welcome the break of you taking him off her hands for awhile.
Based on what we know, that seems like a pretty safe bet.
Old 03-10-15, 12:00 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Sorry to hear about your problems EM. My wife is same way. Always on her stupid phone. I'm willing to bet she'd leave if she wasn't permanently embedded to the couch.
Old 03-10-15, 12:03 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
Playing games, checking Facebook, texting people. She doesn't try to hide it from me, I can see what she's doing. Her mother, sister, and brother have been very vocal about her laziness and phone addiction and how she is ruining her marriage. When her sister (twin) suspects she is out somewhere, she often ends up calling and scolding her.

I have a wonderful relationship with her family and they do think very highly of me.
Well, it will be sad for her when you spend more time with her family than she does if you all do split up. I hope that it doesn't come to that.
Old 03-10-15, 12:07 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

I can't think of much else you could try, Eddie. Regardless of the reasons, if she isn't willing to try anything to make it better, what more can you do?
Old 03-10-15, 12:15 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Yeah, sounds like she's dealing with a bunch of her own demons and/or depression. Problem is her not wanting to address her own shit, and you can't make her, she has to want to get better. Sucks, but if things get worse, it might be time for you to move on, as this situation doesn't do you or your kids any good. The only thing that will help you, is yourself, first step being getting away from such a shitty situation into something more healthy.
Old 03-10-15, 12:20 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Very sorry to hear about your marriage problems as they sound so much like what I went through. I ended up having to get a divorce as it turned out my wife was cheating. She spent so much time on the phone and going out that I knew something was up. Even after I found out, I was willing to forgive her and try to work out our problems but she just wanted to end it.

Last edited by Jaymole; 03-10-15 at 12:27 PM.
Old 03-10-15, 12:22 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Jaymole View Post
Very sorry to hear about your marriage problems as they sound so much like what I went through. I ended up having to get a divorce as it turned out my wife was cheating. She spent so much time on the phone and going out that I knew something was up. Even after I found out, I was willing to forgive her and try to work out her problems but she just wanted to end it.
Old 03-10-15, 12:23 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

If you leave, she'll beg you back because she won't have anyone to clean or watch the kids.
Old 03-10-15, 12:26 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by CRM114 View Post
If you leave, she'll beg you back because she won't have anyone to clean or watch the kids.
This sounds like a nickdawgy thread..
Old 03-10-15, 12:39 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by van der graaf View Post
Old 03-10-15, 01:03 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Old 03-10-15, 01:09 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
I do all the chores at home (laundry, cleaning, dishes, paying bills).

She won't even pick her laundry up off the floor. She just throws it down and leaves it until the cat pees all over it, at which point I take care of it because I don't want urine soaked clothes around my kids.

I should also mention that she is more and more frequently going out to bars with her friends, while I stay home and take care of the kids. And she ends up blowing all of our money.
In the very least, stop doing HER laundry until she starts helping out. I can't imagine she'll go out bar hopping in cat-piss stinking clothes. (But only after you've found a way to limit her access to the bank account, otherwise she'll just use this as an excuse to spend more money on clothes.)
Old 03-10-15, 01:15 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Do you still love her?
Does she still love you?

If there is still love in the marriage and a willingness to work on the problems then there is a chance. If not, then divorce may be your only option.
Old 03-10-15, 01:20 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
Just to respond to one point...she has been on antidepressants for a few years. They helped her considerably for awhile. Now it seems as if the medication isn't working, and her mood swings are ridiculous. She may even be bi-polar. She can be very happy one day, then the next dwells on everything she feels is "negative" in her life. She will often scream at my stepson (who has behavioral issues, wonder why), and use very harsh language. I obviously don't agree with this, and when I tell her to please stop, she'll go off on me as well.
Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors do lose their effectiveness over time. Some people cycle through different ones. It might be time for her to try another drug. It might take a few tries to find one that works for her.
Old 03-10-15, 01:25 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

As a kid from what always came off as a loveless marriage, it strikes me as much worse than divorce. Teaches kids they're supposed to be miserable, just because it's more convenient or the "right thing to do". Which is just fucking stupid.
Old 03-10-15, 01:46 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Have you thought about trying to acquire proof that she's unfaithful? I don't know the legality in your state of any electronic snooping (texts/emails/fb private messages) or whether or not hiring a PI to trail someone is a real thing or just something in movies. But if this goes down the divorce path, considering how the deck is almost always stacked against the father and for the mother, I'd feel more comfortable with proof of infidelity.
Old 03-10-15, 01:48 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Jaymole View Post
Do you still love her?
Does she still love you?

If there is still love in the marriage and a willingness to work on the problems then there is a chance. If not, then divorce may be your only option.
Yes and yes.

And I really don't think she's being unfaithful. Just immature more than anything.
Old 03-10-15, 01:50 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Nick Danger View Post
Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors do lose their effectiveness over time. Some people cycle through different ones. It might be time for her to try another drug. It might take a few tries to find one that works for her.
That was my exact thought. Most habitual SSRI users need to cycle or alter their cocktail when they stop working. It definitely improves things in some people.

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