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Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

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Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Old 03-09-15, 04:46 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Yeah, it sounds like she has something else cooking, otherwise she would at least be trying to work things out.

This sucks, Eddie, but eventually it should lead to a better life for you. There is absolutely no reason you should be doing all of the chores while she's out spending the money.
Old 03-09-15, 04:54 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Sorry to hear this man. Normally I would say do EVERYTHING you can to fix things since you guys have children, however ,I agree it seems she's already gone. You can't fix a marriage when only one person is willing to do the work.
Old 03-09-15, 04:58 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Well, if you're not going to use those two tickets to paradise...

(I kid. This sucks, man. Get the legal shit figured out ASAP so you can move on. You'll be better off)
Old 03-09-15, 05:06 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Dan View Post
Well, if you're not going to use those two tickets to paradise...

(I kid. This sucks, man. Get the legal shit figured out ASAP so you can move on. You'll be better off)
I had my money on "Pee in her butt" before a music reference.
Old 03-09-15, 05:16 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Bummer man. Losing that step son will really sting. Is it really that bad she lets the cat pee on her clothes?
Old 03-09-15, 05:22 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Eddie mate, I feel for you. I went through my first marriage where we drifted apart and led separate lives. In the end divorce was a blessing. I am a little lucky in the fact I don't have kids. I do have a step daughter now, but even if I went through divorce again it would not be as complicated. You are thinking about the kids and that's great. Sounds like she is not thinking about them at all. I have met many girls in my life who go through a mid life crisis in their 30s and 40s and want to try and relive their youth. It's always really sad and pathetic. Most of them I think either come to the realization that's it's too late to go back or end up going to alcohol and sliding fast.

I think the best thing you can do is start thinking about yourself. Get some happiness back in your life. Talk with her about the situation and if she doesn't want to, then consider starting on your own path. Having a new start is actually a great thing and it's only after it happens that you can usually look back and see how bad it was.

Chin up mate. Hope things get better.

Last edited by james2025a; 03-09-15 at 05:39 PM.
Old 03-09-15, 05:24 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Hang in there Eddie... but listen, you gotta find out what's going on with that phone. I'd bet anything she has someone on the side.
Old 03-09-15, 05:45 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Eddie, in the words of a great president, "I feel your pain."

I got divorced last year and other than the kids (we had none) and the cat pee (our cats were more civilized), your story sounds very much like my own.

Got a no-fault divorce last year (six months and $500 later and it was all over) and my failure at dating not long afterwards has been well documented in another thread.

The good news is I recently met someone (no kids, never married, and 11 years my junior - which is pretty much the trifecta for an "old" guy like me) who makes me feel loved and appreciated in a way that my ex never did, even in our "good" years.

The bottom line, in other words, is there's a lot of pain in the short term, but in the long term, you'll be better off. Trust me.

Last edited by Shannon Nutt; 03-09-15 at 05:50 PM.
Old 03-09-15, 06:00 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
She tells me she is unhappy and doesn't think either one of us is trying anymore. Our sex life is just about dead. To put things in perspective, I work 40 hours a week (as does she), and I do all the chores at home (laundry, cleaning, dishes, paying bills). She hardly even spends time with our kids (ages 3 and 9), and is constantly on her cell phone. I mean, ALL the time. So I don't necessarily feel very affectionate towards someone who refuses to help me at home, refuses counseling (I have suggested this for us), is absolutely addicted to her phone, and so forth. She won't even pick her laundry up off the floor. She just throws it down and leaves it until the cat pees all over it, at which point I take care of it because I don't want urine soaked clothes around my kids.

I suppose I just don't get what women expect anymore. To be treated like royalty and have no fucking responsibilities whatsoever?

I should also mention that she is more and more frequently going out to bars with her friends, while I stay home and take care of the kids. And she ends up blowing all of our money.


It sounds to me that that's not the only thing she's blowing.
Old 03-09-15, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Why So Blu? View Post

It sounds to me that that's not the only thing she's blowing.
-ohbrank-
Old 03-09-15, 06:24 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Sorry to hear about your troubles, Eddie.

I read through the thread twice but still may have missed this:

1. What does she say when you ask her about her behavior and tell her how you feel? (Noted that she rejected the idea of counseling)

2. What does she say about how she feels about the kids' well-being?

3. What does she spend her (the family's, assuming you don't keep paychecks separate) money on aside from going out with her friends? If that's causing a financial strain or enabling her to 'escape', is there any way of controlling her access to family funds?

4. Sounds as though she was previously divorced (not widowed or unmarried mom). If so, what caused the first divorce?

5. Do you have any relatives willing to keep the kids for a weekend so that you can talk? Or go out for dinner, or do something together if that's possible? If
that's a possibility, might be good to keep it low-key but public so as to avoid a big fight.

6. Does she argue with you a lot and act resentful about the marriage? Why does she say she goes out so much?

7. Also...and this is a long shot but a possibility...is it possible that she's going through either some form of mental illness or chemical imbalances? My wife is an R.N. and she & many of our friends as well as patients have gone through mood swings until the hormones got balanced. It doesn't always show up as depression; sometimes there are some noticeable behavioral changes that are out of character.

Just a few thoughts in case there's any way of saving the marriage if possible. It's a bad situation, but is it totally hopeless? Doesn't sound as though there have been physical altercations, but the kids have to have noticed.

If you have a friend whom you can trust and who has a good ear, try to unload if necessary if only to avoid getting into a big fight in front of the kids and for your own well-being. Sometimes really bad situations can be overcome, and hoping that's the case here. Sometimes one person has already made up his/her mind and there's no turning back.

I'm sure everyone in this thread is thinking (and/or) praying for you, man.

Last edited by creekdipper; 03-09-15 at 06:29 PM.
Old 03-09-15, 06:31 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

so sorry EM. relationships suck when they go sour. here's hoping the kids are ok in the long run. it was hard on my and my sis when we were younger...
Old 03-09-15, 07:17 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

I hope everything works out for you and your family, Eddie. Just curious, what was it that brought you two together?
Old 03-09-15, 08:18 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

You can try and channel Depp channeling Thompson.

Old 03-09-15, 08:59 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Dude, I know i'm a sarcastic fuck but I was being dead serious about getting that shit together with her. The way you described her made her feel like it was like a soul sucking effort to be in, the marriage.
Old 03-09-15, 09:15 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by Bacon View Post
-ohbrank-
You missed the F.
Old 03-09-15, 10:37 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Once this thread reach 100 posts, maybe accidentally intentionally anonymously leak the link to your wife?
Old 03-09-15, 11:53 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
I guess the thought of us divorcing and not having my kids is the worst part for me. My stepson has been with me since he was 3 (he's 10 now), and I wouldn't even have legal rights to him if she left.
My mother remarried when I was 11 and had my (half) sister. She divorced my stepfather when I was 18 and they had a very contentious relationship for many years after the split. But despite that, I continued to enjoy a great relationship with him and he remains in my life to this day. So there's nothing to say that divorcing your wife means you'll never see your stepson again. If it does end in divorce, invite your stepson to stay with you whenever your daughter stays over. Take him to movies, sporting events, camping and stuff. Even if your ex hates your guts, she might welcome the break of you taking him off her hands for awhile.
Old 03-09-15, 11:56 PM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Sorry to hear this Eddie. It seems like you have seen this coming for awhile now. I don't have much to add, but if you are not doing it already, I would highly recommend some individual counseling for yourself as you go through this. Hit me up with a PM if you'd like me to get you some names of therapists in your area...
Old 03-10-15, 01:00 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Reminds me of the end of my first marriage. We have 1 girl together, but as bad as I knew it was going to be if we divorce, I knew it was the best move for both of us. As soon as I suggested it to her, she completely agreed. The hardest part was losing my then 3 year old daughter. And visitation rights just suck ass. But...it got better. Not great, but better. But for both of our sanities, we had to do it.
Old 03-10-15, 01:26 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Originally Posted by EddieMoney View Post
She tells me she is unhappy and doesn't think either one of us is trying anymore. Our sex life is just about dead. To put things in perspective, I work 40 hours a week (as does she), and I do all the chores at home (laundry, cleaning, dishes, paying bills). She hardly even spends time with our kids (ages 3 and 9), and is constantly on her cell phone. I mean, ALL the time. So I don't necessarily feel very affectionate towards someone who refuses to help me at home, refuses counseling (I have suggested this for us), is absolutely addicted to her phone, and so forth. She won't even pick her laundry up off the floor. She just throws it down and leaves it until the cat pees all over it, at which point I take care of it because I don't want urine soaked clothes around my kids.

I suppose I just don't get what women expect anymore. To be treated like royalty and have no fucking responsibilities whatsoever?

I should also mention that she is more and more frequently going out to bars with her friends, while I stay home and take care of the kids. And she ends up blowing all of our money.
WTF? Seems like you've made all the effort, to suggest counseling and she refuses. Looks like she has completely checked out.

Sorry Man, it makes it difficult because there are kids, but damn. You are supposed to be a husband and father, Not just a babysitter for the kids and a in house maid which she has kind of turned you into.

Might be time to get a lawyer
Old 03-10-15, 01:40 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Eddie, I'm willing to bet that your wife is guilty of the first two of these issues here, but you may be guilty of the third and forth. I'd recommend tackling your own issues as best as you can (even if it's just seeing your own issues), if not for your wife, then at least for yourself. I mean, even if she's the one wanting to leave, separations are rarely 100% one-sided, and if you really want to keep her, then you may as well do what you can.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE


1. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.” In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.

2. Contempt
Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

3. Defensiveness
Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility,making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

4. Stonewalling
People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when these four behaviors become ongoing issues, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing.
If your relationship is filled with these four issues, take notice, change yourself, work together, make improvements. Don't delay.
You obviously can't force your wife to do something she doesn't want to, but if you work on yourself, you can perhaps address some patterns in yourself that may help you now or later down the road in your next relationship.
Old 03-10-15, 02:02 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

It's the phone. No joke. There's tons of lowly people on there feeding her whatever crud she wants to hear and telling her she'd be happier alone.
Old 03-10-15, 02:12 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

Familiarity breeds contempt.
Old 03-10-15, 09:06 AM
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re: Pretty sure wife wants to leave... (and she's gone)

You mentioned anti-depressants. Has she been diagnosed with clinical depression? The behavior of laziness and not caring probably is a big symptom of this. If she won't listen and won't seek help, the only thing left to do is try and recruit family members to help her see the light. Otherwise, I'd split. Letting go of the boy is only going to get harder. Who knows, maybe she'll ask you to take the kids.

Also, the phone. I wouldn't be jumping to conclusions that the phone use means there is anyone on the side. Constant phone usage is just a way to check out from what's going on around her and an excuse to not to communicate.

And if she says neither one of you is trying, can you agree to TRY trying?

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