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Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

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Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

Old 11-02-14, 09:43 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

The "party" is definitely important for your mother. She is still very much alive and appears to be looking forward to a celebration of their 60 years together. She won't be able to share many more weeks or months together with your father and regardless of his ability to truly be a part of it, it has to make your mother happy to spend one more anniversary together. Invite more people than just close relatives because there are probably quite a few friends who would like the opportunity to share their memories of your parents while they can still use the present tense.
Ask both of your parents if they have any funny stories about their engagement, their wedding or their first year together. Have someone deliver opening remarks and retell these anecdotes to introduce a little levity into what should not be a somber occasion. Recall their youth and rejoice in their 60 years together.
Old 11-03-14, 02:54 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

Have the party and while it won't be easy, have some fun as you remember the good times with your father with your family. 60 years married is a HUGE milestone and should be celebrated.
Old 11-08-14, 04:10 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

Thanks for all the suggestions. We went ahead and had a small party today for them. We kept it on the smaller side for a couple reasons; A) if we had to cancel at the last minute that would be more people to notify and B) it is very important he not get sick. The more people the more germs.

He did stay awake for a portion of the party and my mom got what she wanted. It is absolutely tortuous though. I got in the car to go home and I was crying. To see my father looking like that is heartbreaking. He looks 100 years old and when he's sleeping you expect him not to wake up. My cousin was there and she reminded me how important it was to have this memory and to cherish the past. I feel so bad for my mom too. Sixty years together and now she's losing him. After he goes she can't stay in the house so everything she knows will be stolen from her at once.

It looks good for one last Thanksgiving but we are calling hospice this week. I have a new appreciation for everyone who's lost a parent.

Thanks again for the moral support.
Old 11-08-14, 04:35 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

It is always rough to see a loved one hit that stage of life, but it sounds like he had a long and happy life. Focus on the positive, happy memories from his life and cherish these final days.
Old 11-08-14, 04:39 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

I can't imagine what you're going through Jim, but I think you're doing a great job. Hang in there.
Old 11-08-14, 10:48 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

I'm so sorry for your dad's, your, and your family's suffering. My cherished dad died a few years ago after a long degenerative illness, and it was nothing less than devastating to experience him taking his last breaths. After passing away, he started turning yellow unexpectedly quickly, so I had to leave. Despite the inevitability, it was a surreal thing to go through, and I don't think any of us, to this day, have truly dealt with the loss.
I wish you strength.
Old 11-09-14, 02:18 AM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

That sounds hard, Jim. There's nothing better than well-done hospice (I've been told it's easy to figure out if it's bad). If he's too far along to do interviewing with you, maybe that's something you and your siblings can do with each other instead. Some reflection on his life can be a wonderful thing. At the very least, some private time to do some letter writing may be helpful for you to articulate what you want to say to your father. It's the sort of thing that's hard to start, beautiful to do. Let me know how I can help. In the meantime, prayers for gentle caregivers for your father, comfort for him, and strength for your mother, you, and your family.
Old 11-10-14, 07:11 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

I want to thank everyone again for their contributions. My father enjoyed the get together the best he could and my mother felt like she had her party. The next day (Sunday) he took another quick turn for the worse. My nephew came in from NYC to see his grandfather one last time and it really boosted his spirit. He is basically bedbound now and the nurses are working on a hospice house. We just can't take care of him 24 hours a day. We almost didn't do the party but we are very glad we did. Thanks again.

PS. The 50's sucks. You are old enough to really start feeling old and you are watching your parents grow old before your eyes. It's still better than not making it to 50 but my 40's were so much better.
Old 11-10-14, 07:45 PM
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Feeling you for, my friend. Prayers of comfort for his final days and strength for your days to come. Is he doing in-home hospice or at a care facility? If they give you the chance to do/assist with ANY of the care, like bathing, etc., do it, you won't regret it.
Old 11-11-14, 06:04 AM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

He wanted to be home but that is looking to be impossible. We are now looking for a hospice house. My mom has Parkinsons so she can't take care of him and they need 24 hour supervision. My mom is nervous about strangers staying in her house especially if she is sleeping and we just can't be there 24/7. Everyone has jobs they have to get to at some point and this could drag on for a week or two.
Old 11-11-14, 05:46 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

I really feel for your hardship, Jim. Both parents sick simultaneously! Stay strong.
Old 11-11-14, 08:09 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

Originally Posted by JimRochester View Post
I want to thank everyone again for their contributions. My father enjoyed the get together the best he could and my mother felt like she had her party. The next day (Sunday) he took another quick turn for the worse. My nephew came in from NYC to see his grandfather one last time and it really boosted his spirit. He is basically bedbound now and the nurses are working on a hospice house. We just can't take care of him 24 hours a day. We almost didn't do the party but we are very glad we did. Thanks again.

PS. The 50's sucks. You are old enough to really start feeling old and you are watching your parents grow old before your eyes. It's still better than not making it to 50 but my 40's were so much better.
I am sorry for your struggles Jim. My parents just celebrated their 60th and while they're fairly healthy, they're also 80 and have had some health scares. So this hits close to home. I'm still in my 40s, so I hope I get to be in my 50s before dealing with the same thing as you.

Good luck, strength to you and yours.
Old 11-12-14, 02:40 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

We moved him into a hospice home today. Last night I stayed there and it was torture; he fell again hurting his head and crying like a baby, he was up all night having delirium. He kept thinking he had to go to work or do other stuff. The medication they gave him to calm him down had the opposite effect and it was a very long night. I really hope he passes soon. The personality I know and love has already died. Now we are just waiting for the mortal body to catch up with the part that has died.
Old 11-12-14, 03:02 PM
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Re: Do you still have the party when someone is dying?

That's excruciating. I hope the pain is over soon, and I'm glad you were able to have the get-together as a farewell.

And man, if your mom has Parkinson's (my father-in-law did as well), then he probably was responsible for a lot of her care. But that's something to think about later.

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