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Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

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Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Old 07-27-13, 08:58 PM
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Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Friday, Jul 26, 2013 01:51 PM PDT
Found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Imprisoned for pooping. Really. A Maine man gets a week in jail for a terrible No. 2 -- the ruling is a must-read
By Aaron Kase

Found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever (Credit: M. Unal Ozmen via Shutterstock)


People with loose bowels, beware. Anyone who doesn’t fully trust the integrity of their gastrointestinal system would be well-advised to stay far away from federal buildings. (Also, anyone squeamish about fecal matters — or eating lunch — may want to proceed with caution as they read this.)

The 1st U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals last week upheld a conviction against a Maine man who served a seven-day jail sentence for willfully damaging and creating a hazard and nuisance in the federal courthouse in Portland. Specifically, he pooped his pants and then left a mess in the bathroom after attempting to clean himself up.

And what a mess. The poor maintenance worker who had to deal with it said that “seventy-five percent of the floor was covered in feces” while more was “smeared more than two feet up on the walls” and “on the paper towel and toilet paper dispensers, on the toilet paper itself, and on part of the toilet seat and the left side of the toilet bowl,” according to the opinion.

The outrageously graphic 57-page court document, written by distinguished judges who sit one level below the U.S. Supreme Court, includes vivid comparisons to spaghetti with meat sauce and chunky peanut butter. There are also photos of the bathroom where the crime took place, though mercifully after it had already been cleaned.

So what went wrong? Ronald Strong, who said he was 50 at the time and had a heart condition that required medication that may have affected his bowel control, arrived at the courthouse on business for an unrelated civil case. As he was being screened by security, he informed the guard that he had to use the bathroom, and then that he was defecating in his pants. The guard escorted him to the restroom “with Strong intermittently trailing feces on the floor” which he later described as “liquid and there was pieces in it” that dripped down his leg “all the way to my ankles.”

Once safe in the bathroom, he took his clothes off, cleaned up the best he could, throwing his boxers away because they were destroyed: “I mean, how could I carry them home?” he testified. “What was I going to put them in? I mean, it was covered in feces, there was — I mean, what was – I mean, I had my briefcase, I mean, what was I supposed to do with them? I threw them in the trash.”
Then he tried to make himself presentable:


“I stood up again and I kept wiping myself and then I sat down to put my socks back on. I didn’t have any boxers at that time, so I put my socks back on. I put my jeans back on, you know, I’ve been – I don’t know if you’ve ever had an incident in the kitchen where you have something spill or something, you’re grabbing everything and anything trying to mop up milk or — I don’t know if you’ve ever spilled spaghetti sauce and there’s meat, you’re trying to get it up as quick as you can. And that’s – basically it was just like this frenetic pace, but it was repulsive, I mean, the smell was — and I was embarrassed, I mean, here I had used the bathroom in my pants, a 50-year-old man and I was in a federal courthouse. It was very, very embarrassing.”
After washing up at the sink the best he could, he exited the bathroom, took care of his official business and left the building. It wasn’t until a law enforcement officer tried to use the restroom 15 minutes later that the disaster was discovered.

When he was hauled back into court, Strong’s defense was two-fold — one, he didn’t mean to cause the mess, and two, there were no clearly visible signs warning that it was illegal to befoul the bathroom.

The court rejected both, first noting that signs prohibiting damage, hazards and nuisance were posted clearly inside the building. As for intent, they held that he willfully made the mess, reasoning that it was so extensive that no mere accident could be that catastrophic.

“The relevant question is not whether he purposefully defecated his pants, but whether he willfully spread his feces all over the bathroom resulting in a nuisance, hazard, and damage,” the majority opinion reads, finding that he did and doubting that the poop could have spread two feet up the wall by accident. The opinion also noted that Strong had a potential motive because he had twice lost a Social Security case in the same courthouse.

In his defense, Strong claimed that the cleaning lady had exaggerated the extent of the damage, and that he was so humiliated and intent on cleaning himself he wasn’t paying any mind to the condition of the bathroom. He unequivocally denied deliberately putting excrement on federal property. “I would never do that; that is so nasty. I just — I mean, I was just — trying to touching myself trying to clean myself up I was – I was grossed out, it was like just cleaning myself. I can’t imagine any human being that would deliberately smear anything of that–” he testified. “My intentions were my persons. I wasn’t thinking anything about the bathroom floor.”

Judge Juan R. Torruella takes the majority to task in a dissenting opinion, declaring “The momentous importance of this case surely forecasts its deserved place in the annals of federal prosecutorial history.”

“Contrary to the majority’s view, the fact that seventy-five percent of the floor was covered with feces does not support an inference of willfulness,” he writes, noting that there wasn’t any feces on the drywall, sink or mirror, places one would reasonably expect a person intent on vandalism to put it to make clean up more difficult.

Torruella delves into the context of the cleaning lady’s use of the term “smear” in her testimony, noting that while the majority interpreted the word to mean it was intentional, she had actually described it as “not necessarily like finger smears but just chunks — chunks and smears, pretty much, kind of like chunky peanut butter.”

“No rational factfinder could infer willfulness from the consistency of feces,” the dissenting judge concludes. There’s no word yet on whether Strong will try continue his appeal in front of the Supreme Court.

Aaron Kase
Aaron Kase is a freelance writer and a reporter for Lawyers.com. Follow him on Twitter at @Aaron_Kase. More Aaron Kase.


http://www.salon.com/2013/07/26/foun...movement_ever/
Old 07-27-13, 09:00 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

crazyronin, how could you
Old 07-27-13, 09:33 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

This case is a big steaming pile of crap.
Old 07-27-13, 09:37 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

I can't imagine the shit involved here.
Old 07-27-13, 09:39 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

"What are you in for?"

"Ah, just some shit."
Old 07-27-13, 09:40 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/wKX8KVcmfGg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Old 07-27-13, 10:06 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Sounds like a job for this guy:

Old 07-27-13, 10:09 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Well isn't that some shit.
Old 07-27-13, 10:16 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

White Castle, amirite?
Old 07-27-13, 11:59 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

If the bathroom was as bad as the papers describe, then it sounds like it was intentional.

I've had job where I was responsible for cleaning bathrooms, and let me tell you, some people are animals. I don't know if they have a lot of repressed hostility or they've had one bad day or it is somekind of a turn on, but some people seem to like to smear and throw their shit all over the bathroom and leave it for some poor son of a bitch to have to clean up. It makes me happy to hear that at least one of them was punished. Fuck that guy.
Old 07-28-13, 12:11 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Looking through Google on this guy, it appears he has been diagnosed with a debilitating mental disorder since his teens.

Just shitty all around.
Old 07-28-13, 05:44 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

"The momentous importance of this case surely forecasts its deserved place in the annals of federal prosecutorial history.”
Old 07-28-13, 06:00 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Looks as if the shit hit the fan too...
Old 07-28-13, 07:20 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Originally Posted by Rockmjd23 View Post
crazyronin, how could you
Bite me, ya feckin masshole. Tain't been southa Nobleboro fuh yeahs.



[ csb] My neighbor (deceased), a gentleman deemed by the state to be disabled because of morbid obesity) was banned from every restaurant in midcoast.
The reason? He had pooped his pants at the table because getting off his fast, lazy ass to go to the bathroom was just too much effort.[/ csb]

Last edited by crazyronin; 07-28-13 at 07:58 PM.
Old 07-28-13, 10:34 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

The real crime was eating chunky peanut butter and spaghetti together.
Old 07-28-13, 01:52 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

On losing his appeal, Strong stated, "Well, it was worth a shat."
Old 07-28-13, 04:30 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Reminds me of an internet classic:

Ladies you may not to read or others if you have a weak stomach or reduced appetite.

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

by Anonymous

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one?s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Old 07-28-13, 06:59 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Worst. Penthouse Forum Letter. Ever.
Old 07-28-13, 07:29 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Originally Posted by Rockmjd23 View Post
crazyronin, how could you


Close down the forum, it'll never get better than this
Old 07-28-13, 08:51 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Isn't that why they employ janitors. They are the First Responders of Poop. They should be able to handle any problems. When things get tough the tough get going.
Old 07-29-13, 11:14 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Originally Posted by Nick Danger View Post
Reminds me of an internet classic:
Thanks for reposting that, Nick. I opened this thread with the specific hope that this was the story contained, but the OP was awesome too. I can't remember where else I read the Ryan's one, but I remember randyc posted it too. Intestinal problems are inherently evil; who knew it could lead to this
Old 07-29-13, 11:15 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

If you cover 75% of the bathroom with shit, it's not an accident. It's colon cancer.
Old 07-29-13, 11:28 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

I call bullshit on this story.
Old 07-29-13, 11:56 AM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

This isn't the absolute worst thing to find in a bathroom, but clearly it is number two.
Old 07-29-13, 12:01 PM
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Re: Maine man found guilty of the worst bowel movement ever

Also... ::singing::

When ya gotta see the judge,
But instead you make some fudge... diarrhea... diarrhea.

When ya wanna win a case,
But instead you shit the place... diarrhea... diarrhea.

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