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How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

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How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Old 10-25-11, 11:50 AM
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How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Back in May, my grandfather (father's father) had died suddenly. My father took it rather well. He was the one who took care of pretty much everything and now I think it is starting to get to him.

After Hurricane Irene, my grandmother was still living in the same house and she had substantial damage done to the house. My father did all the work, and from the onset it appeared to drain him a bit. Between his own job, doing work around our house and now my grandmother's, he was starting to buckle. But it was a lot of work, so I simply dismissed it as being overworked....until this week.

My grandmother had damage to her house again from the weather (in the same spot my father just fixed). He, after the visit to inspect the damage, has been distant, short with us and just in a general bad mood. Honestly, I think he is becoming depressed (and he might actually be grieving).

I don't know how to approach him in regards to this. I am worried, since this is not his normal behavior. But at the same time, I don't want to come off like I know what he is going through. What do I do?
Old 10-25-11, 11:54 AM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

"Dad. You don't seem to be feeling well lately. Are you okay?"
Old 10-25-11, 11:55 AM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Old 10-25-11, 11:58 AM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Your father seems overworked. How about you help him out a little?
Old 10-25-11, 12:03 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by spainlinx0 View Post
Your father seems overworked. How about you help him out a little?
I have been when I can. My job, right now, isn't exactly giving me a lot of free time.
Old 10-25-11, 12:08 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by Mrs. Danger View Post
"Dad. You don't seem to be feeling well lately. Are you okay?"
While I would love to say that to him, you really can't ask him a question like that. He is old school....IE, men don't talk about feelings. I have tried, in the past, to get him to open up a bit, but it doesn't work.

Additionally, since him and I have the same personality, we tend to argue a lot. It has been better lately, but I am in a tough spot.

I truly believe he is facing (coming to grips with) his own mortality as well. His father was 78 when he died and his grandfather was 75...so most of the men on his side of the family don't live that long.
Old 10-25-11, 12:32 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Sup Mac. My dad is the same. My Grandfather died like 5 years ago and my grandma is about to go. But I would just be causual about it and say, "Pop, I really miss "grandpa" and it seems you've been so busy, you haven't had a chance to. Are you alright?"

Believe me the dads that don't talk about emtional things need to get it out everyone and awhile. It happened with my pops and now we actually have a better understanding of eachother because of it.
Old 10-25-11, 12:48 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Yeah this is tough...I am on both sides of the fence. On the one side, my dad isn't going to do things a certain way, like open up. On the other side, I do want to make sure he is ok without making him feel uncomfortable. I am going to talk to him tomorrow (I won't see him tonight...at least I don't think I will) and see what is going on.
Old 10-25-11, 12:52 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
While I would love to say that to him, you really can't ask him a question like that. He is old school....IE, men don't talk about feelings. I have tried, in the past, to get him to open up a bit, but it doesn't work.
Break. The. Cycle.

I think you can do it.

It's not going to be easy.

Things worth it seldom are.
Old 10-25-11, 12:59 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

If he's not willing to open up, that's his responsibility. All you can do is give it a shot in an honest and straightforward manner. Then the ball is in his court.
Old 10-25-11, 12:59 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

That's exactly the type of question you should ask.

If it makes you feel better, do it over steaks on a grill and/or beers.
Old 10-25-11, 01:06 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

I agree with all the comments made thus far. As I mentioned before, I plan on talking to him tomorrow or today depending on how our work schedules are right now.
Old 10-25-11, 01:11 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
While I would love to say that to him, you really can't ask him a question like that. He is old school....IE, men don't talk about feelings. I have tried, in the past, to get him to open up a bit, but it doesn't work.
My dad is the same way - he's been a machinist for his entire adult life, hunts, gun lovin' type - but he responded well when I offered my help after his mom died when I was about 16.

You'd be surprised, sometimes situations like these bring out a different side in people. If he's going to open up to anyone, it would be his son.
Old 10-25-11, 01:11 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Forgive me for changing the subject Mac, but how are things going with you? I know awhile back you went through a rough patch if I remember correctly.
Old 10-25-11, 01:13 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by Mikael79 View Post
My dad is the same way - he's been a machinist for his entire adult life, hunts, gun lovin' type - but he responded well when I offered my help after his mom died when I was about 16.

You'd be surprised, sometimes situations like these bring out a different side in people. If he's going to open up to anyone, it would be his son.
You have described my father almost exactly...mine was a small engine mechanic. But I know he does trust me and he does appreciate my work ethic....so maybe I have an in there.
Old 10-25-11, 01:19 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by Larry C. View Post
Forgive me for changing the subject Mac, but how are things going with you? I know awhile back you went through a rough patch if I remember correctly.
It's cool, I would actually like to respond to that.

I had changed jobs, so that was a good thing. And I got my mortgage modified to a much more manageable payment. So all of the external stress that was in my life is more or less gone.

It was difficult for me, because I felt like I was drowning. I had no support financially (at the time, my dad was laid off) and emotionally I was a mess.

Hindsight is 20/20, I made a huge mistake buying the house years ago. But there was other stuff involved (like the mortgage application...but this another story for another day) and at the time, I was just coming out of being rowdy in my mid-20's. I wanted to set the world on fire, but when you see the blaze already burning, it does take the wind out of your sails.

And to be fair, I was a miserable asshole to a lot of people (both on this forum and in my own life). But I am past that now...I got a new lease. It sucks lately, since we (as a family) have had a lot of deaths 9my grandfather, my god father's father, two of my friends and my other grandmother fell ill), but I am approaching things differently. I am in a better place now.

Thank you for asking.
Old 10-25-11, 01:42 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
It's cool, I would actually like to respond to that.

I had changed jobs, so that was a good thing. And I got my mortgage modified to a much more manageable payment. So all of the external stress that was in my life is more or less gone.

It was difficult for me, because I felt like I was drowning. I had no support financially (at the time, my dad was laid off) and emotionally I was a mess.

Hindsight is 20/20, I made a huge mistake buying the house years ago. But there was other stuff involved (like the mortgage application...but this another story for another day) and at the time, I was just coming out of being rowdy in my mid-20's. I wanted to set the world on fire, but when you see the blaze already burning, it does take the wind out of your sails.

And to be fair, I was a miserable asshole to a lot of people (both on this forum and in my own life). But I am past that now...I got a new lease. It sucks lately, since we (as a family) have had a lot of deaths 9my grandfather, my god father's father, two of my friends and my other grandmother fell ill), but I am approaching things differently. I am in a better place now.

Thank you for asking.

I'm very glad to hear that things are looking up for you. I know deaths with family and friends are really tough, but after what you went through you should be strong enough to help others when they need it. You can have all the money problems in the world at least the love and support of family and friends is free.
Old 10-25-11, 01:52 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by Larry C. View Post
I'm very glad to hear that things are looking up for you. I know deaths with family and friends are really tough, but after what you went through you should be strong enough to help others when they need it. You can have all the money problems in the world at least the love and support of family and friends is free.
I appreciate the thoughts. I had a lot of anger I was bottling up and it was incredibly unhealthy. And on top of that I was self medicating, which was not making things any better...they were making it worse.

After my grandfather died, I had to look at things differently. Him and I had not spoken for 6 years (we were fighting over money) and over the last 8 months he was alive, we were talking again. But I realized, I lost 6 years of our relationship because I was angry over something I couldn't change nor did I have control of anymore.

It is petty and stupid now, but at the time, I was furious about it. Add that with my job unhappiness, my financial struggles...I was not a person other people wanted to be around.

Thankfully, things are going my way (to a degree) and now I think first, act second. Instead of just reacting like I used to.
Old 10-25-11, 02:03 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
I appreciate the thoughts. I had a lot of anger I was bottling up and it was incredibly unhealthy. And on top of that I was self medicating, which was not making things any better...they were making it worse.

After my grandfather died, I had to look at things differently. Him and I had not spoken for 6 years (we were fighting over money) and over the last 8 months he was alive, we were talking again. But I realized, I lost 6 years of our relationship because I was angry over something I couldn't change nor did I have control of anymore.

It is petty and stupid now, but at the time, I was furious about it. Add that with my job unhappiness, my financial struggles...I was not a person other people wanted to be around.

Thankfully, things are going my way (to a degree) and now I think first, act second. Instead of just reacting like I used to.
Awesome glad to hear it! I've been there man I know about the lows and the self medication, but I realized I have to want to be happy and ever since then its been easy sailing.

I wish you and your family the best.
Old 10-25-11, 02:22 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

To the OP, like Larry C., I've been there as well. In fact, I'm just coming off a rough patch as well. It's not all quite there yet, but I'm working on it. It's a tough road; I know you know that, but it feels good when you start feeling like yourself again.
Old 10-25-11, 02:35 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

I am curious to see what the other think....I recall one time when i was younger (19 specifically), my dad had written me a letter to express his feelings. Maybe I should approach it that way.
Old 10-25-11, 02:37 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by clckworang View Post
To the OP, like Larry C., I've been there as well. In fact, I'm just coming off a rough patch as well. It's not all quite there yet, but I'm working on it. It's a tough road; I know you know that, but it feels good when you start feeling like yourself again.
I couldn't agree more. I have also finally have been open with people about something I have hid for years...I am bi-sexual. I had fought it for a long time, but I recently told my family and some close friends...and what a pleasant surprise I got. They were all fine with it. No one disowned me, no one wanted not to be my friend...it was just a normal day at the office.

That was quite a relief to get that off of my chest...I really couldn't be happier with the result.
Old 10-25-11, 02:41 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
...I am bi-sexual. ...and what a pleasant surprise I got. They were all fine with it. No one disowned me, no one wanted not to be my friend...it was just a normal day at the office.

That was quite a relief to get that off of my chest...I really couldn't be happier with the result.

I think there is something in the DvdTalk water. Everyone here is either Bi-polar or Bi-Sexual.

I glad it worked out for you that must have been difficult.
Old 10-25-11, 03:15 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by Larry C. View Post
I think there is something in the DvdTalk water. Everyone here is either Bi-polar or Bi-Sexual.

I glad it worked out for you that must have been difficult.
It was difficult per se...I had to accept it first, after that it was really easy. But in the back of my head, I was certainly afraid of how some people were going to react. But that was not the case. I am happy with myself and I am comfortable with it and if other people aren't, that is their problem.
Old 10-25-11, 03:31 PM
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Re: How do I handle this situation (advice on how to address my father)

Originally Posted by Larry C. View Post
I think there is something in the DvdTalk water. Everyone here is either Bi-polar or Bi-Sexual.
You'd think it would be a lot more fun around here, wouldn't you?

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