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Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

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Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Old 07-28-09, 12:14 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by Mrs. Danger View Post
It really looks like you have three options:

( )1. Force them to change, as Nick suggests.
(X)2. Give up on them, walk away and start a new life.
( )3. Continue to live in misery and die in poverty.
Old 07-28-09, 12:15 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by mbs View Post
Clearly, you are not. You bought a house you cannot afford.





I don't understand. You first claim you purchased the house (for yourself). You couldn't afford it, so you had your mother co-sign. At that point, did you expect your parents to live with you?

How did you go from you buying the house (and your mom co-signing due to only your needing collateral) to needing your father's income to help pay the mortgage? You make it sound like you bought it on your own and once they moved in, you became reliant on your Dad's salary.
Initially no they were not coming with me. I started looking for a place in June of 2005. By the time November rolled around, my parents were looking to get out of the house we were living in too (which we did not own). My mom asked if I would be willing to let them come with me. I agreed and we were going to split it down the middle.

Everything was fine until my father lost his job and they relied on me to carry everything. My mom is a teacher and doesn't make much. My father and I make around the same (rather made). Without my father bringing in his income, we were screwed. I had enough cash and credit to carry us for a bit, but that well went dry and I was starting to see the writing on the wall.

If I could go back, I would have done things differently. But I can't so I got to make the most of this situation.

Also, I don't appreciate getting attacked by you either (the previous post, not this one). You don't like it, don't comment, regardless of your personal feelings towards me.
Old 07-28-09, 12:26 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

How long has your mom been teaching? NJ teachers don't make bad salaries. Even if you are 25, your mom must be 50 which means she should have at least 15 years in the system.

My wife is 35, has 13 years in the system and makes 70k. While she isn't lving the high life, that is pretty good money.


Do you have a budget? And I mean an Excel-like spread sheet that details ALL of your living expenses v. income. If not, put it ON PAPER.

Sit your parents down and go over this with them. Explain to them what needs to be done to afford your lifestyle and tell them if they don't help you then you are going to end up in the same financial straights they are in 25 years from now. Do they really want that to happen?
Old 07-28-09, 12:33 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by SoSpacey View Post
How long has your mom been teaching? NJ teachers don't make bad salaries. Even if you are 25, your mom must be 50 which means she should have at least 15 years in the system.

My wife is 35, has 13 years in the system and makes 70k. While she isn't lving the high life, that is pretty good money.


Do you have a budget? And I mean an Excel-like spread sheet that details ALL of your living expenses v. income. If not, put it ON PAPER.

Sit your parents down and go over this with them. Explain to them what needs to be done to afford your lifestyle and tell them if they don't help you then you are going to end up in the same financial straights they are in 25 years from now. Do they really want that to happen?
My mom is in 9 years total (I think) and she makes about 30k. I also think they classify her as an assistant, she has no college education.

I was on the phone with my mom earlier and explained the situation. I told her there will be no compromises or I will sell the house and make them move it. That got her attention. My father's too apparently.

So maybe things might be working on for the better.
Old 07-28-09, 12:38 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
My mom is in 9 years total (I think) and she makes about 30k. I also think they classify her as an assistant, she has no college education.

I was on the phone with my mom earlier and explained the situation. I told her there will be no compromises or I will sell the house and make them move it. That got her attention. My father's too apparently.

So maybe things might be working on for the better.
i stand by my last suggestion of putting everything down on a (paper) budget. writing it down and having your parents read it will make a world of difference.
Old 07-28-09, 12:43 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by SoSpacey View Post
i stand by my last suggestion of putting everything down on a (paper) budget. writing it down and having your parents read it will make a world of difference.
I agree.

Also doing a net worth statement would be very enlightening.

Far too many people feel well off because they have alot of crap. When you break it down into liquid net worth, that smug feeling usually disappers quick. Seeing that you are financially underwater is sobering.
Old 07-28-09, 12:59 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by Brian Shannon View Post
I agree.

Also doing a net worth statement would be very enlightening.

Far too many people feel well off because they have alot of crap. When you break it down into liquid net worth, that smug feeling usually disappers quick. Seeing that you are financially underwater is sobering.
I think that does sound like a solid idea (thanks to you both).

My mom even asked about setting up another bank account to have just the monthly utilities and have them auto-deduct every month. I think there might be progress here.
Old 07-28-09, 01:23 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

First off, getting your parents to listen to you about finances is nigh impossible. They changed your diapers, so they think they know more than you. Be mentally prepared to cut yourself loose if you have to.

My wife and I didn't really think about how bad off we were until we started listening to the Dave Ramsey Show. He is very anti-debt and a true believer. If you can get your parents to listen to him, they will probably think he is nuts at first. But a lot of the callers will have situations very similar to your parents. If your parents are willing to listen to a few shows, they might come to realize that other people in their same situation feel like they are drowning and need help. This may help wake up your parents.

The other thing you can do is lay out every single debt in a big list and show them exactly how much they owe and how much money they really have. Most people have no idea just how far in the hole they are because they have never taken the time to total everything. It can be quite sobering.
Old 07-28-09, 01:45 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
Initially no they were not coming with me.
Okay, so presumably since you are "really good with money", how were you planning on paying the mortgage?

How do you go from being able to afford it on your own to suddenly being dependent upon your Father's income? I don't get it.

Also, I don't appreciate getting attacked by you either (the previous post, not this one). You don't like it, don't comment, regardless of your personal feelings towards me.
It's called tough love. You are not going to change your parents. Like I said: cut the cord.
Old 07-28-09, 01:55 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by orangecrush18 View Post
First off, getting your parents to listen to you about finances is nigh impossible. They changed your diapers, so they think they know more than you. Be mentally prepared to cut yourself loose if you have to.

My wife and I didn't really think about how bad off we were until we started listening to the Dave Ramsey Show. He is very anti-debt and a true believer. If you can get your parents to listen to him, they will probably think he is nuts at first. But a lot of the callers will have situations very similar to your parents. If your parents are willing to listen to a few shows, they might come to realize that other people in their same situation feel like they are drowning and need help. This may help wake up your parents.

The other thing you can do is lay out every single debt in a big list and show them exactly how much they owe and how much money they really have. Most people have no idea just how far in the hole they are because they have never taken the time to total everything. It can be quite sobering.
I fully agree. Dave Ramsey is an incredibly intelligent man who really knows what he is talking about. I got my father listening to him and he doesn't think he is totally nuts, which is a big thing for my old man who barely likes anyone.
Old 07-28-09, 01:58 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by mbs View Post
Okay, so presumably since you are "really good with money", how were you planning on paying the mortgage?

How do you go from being able to afford it on your own to suddenly being dependent upon your Father's income? I don't get it.



It's called tough love. You are not going to change your parents. Like I said: cut the cord.
It was affordable with all of our income(s). I also never said I could afford it on my own...maybe if I was living by myself, but I went for a bigger house to fit everyone.

He lost his job and that changed. And the job loss was sudden, the company went belly up without any warning (first time, second time was a different situation). Never once did I expect that to happen.
Old 07-28-09, 02:04 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Wow...sucks to be you. Everyone is taking advantage of you and you have no problems with it. Stop paying for their shit. Kick them out.
Old 07-28-09, 02:40 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by GizmoDVD View Post
Wow...sucks to be you. Everyone is taking advantage of you and you have no problems with it. Stop paying for their shit. Kick them out.
Don't get it twisted, every dime I payed out is coming back to me...and I have that in writing.

Now we have stability, my dad is working again and the mortgages have been cut in half so this madness now ends.

Until I can get my name off the mortgages, I want to make sure 100% that they (or we, since I am included) never ever happens again.
Old 07-28-09, 02:43 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
It was affordable with all of our income(s). I also never said I could afford it on my own...maybe if I was living by myself, but I went for a bigger house to fit everyone.
With the 50% mortgage reduction, can you now afford it on your own?
Old 07-28-09, 02:57 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
Don't get it twisted, every dime I payed out is coming back to me...and I have that in writing.

Now we have stability, my dad is working again and the mortgages have been cut in half so this madness now ends.

Until I can get my name off the mortgages, I want to make sure 100% that they (or we, since I am included) never ever happens again.
So if they die tomorrow, you have all that money coming back to you in their will? Or are you just gambling they can pay you back before that happens?
Old 07-28-09, 05:29 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

The three of you have to come up with a budget together and stick to it. Spend every dollar of everyone's income on paper and don't stray.
Old 07-28-09, 09:52 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by orangecrush18 View Post
The other thing you can do is lay out every single debt in a big list and show them exactly how much they owe and how much money they really have. Most people have no idea just how far in the hole they are because they have never taken the time to total everything. It can be quite sobering.
This does tend to shock people. I've had people who never seemed to have any money do this, and all of them were surprised to find out that they had more money going out than coming in. This wouldn't surprise anyone who thought about things for more than a few minutes, but most people never get that far.
Old 07-29-09, 03:08 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by mndtrp View Post
This does tend to shock people. I've had people who never seemed to have any money do this, and all of them were surprised to find out that they had more money going out than coming in. This wouldn't surprise anyone who thought about things for more than a few minutes, but most people never get that far.

Most people also don't buy a house they can't afford relying on other people to pay for portions of it. If I remember from the older thread on this same subject, his parents have bad credit as well.
Old 07-29-09, 06:32 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by pjflyer View Post
Most people also don't buy a house they can't afford relying on other people to pay for portions of it.
I imagine most people do rely on others for help with the mortgage, quite often a spouse or significant other. I chose to buy a house that I could solely afford, but I can only think of one other person I know who did the same.
Old 07-29-09, 07:26 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Yeah, I'm confused too. So if your parents/brother were to move out you could now afford the mortgage by yourself? You bought a different/more house than you originally intended to accommodate your family living with you? It sounded like initially that was just temporary until they could find something, but then I don't understand why you would have increased your house size/cost.
Old 08-23-09, 10:45 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

It's been a month...what's happening?
Old 08-24-09, 11:23 AM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by abrg923 View Post
It's been a month...what's happening?
I suspect they are still in Hawaii celebrating their reduced mortgage with a 2 week vacation.
Old 08-24-09, 01:54 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by abrg923 View Post
It's been a month...what's happening?
Presently, the final paperwork for mortgage #1 is going out on next Monday.

I have spoken with both parents about a budget and it went over rather well...but there was a lot of finger pointing. I printed out budget forms this morning that I am going to have them fill out.

I offered to take them to a local credit counselor, which was also received well. Appointment pending.

At this point really, it is getting the numbers on paper and finding out where the money is going and re-training a few bad behaviors. In the last couple days, I fixed a few problems and took a look at my dad's outstanding debt with the state. Slowly but surely everything is coming together.

On my side, my finances are under control. My goal is to have my credit debt at zero by this time next year. Pending a major catastrophe, I think it can be done.
Old 08-24-09, 02:09 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by macnorton View Post
Presently, the final paperwork for mortgage #1 is going out on next Monday.

I have spoken with both parents about a budget and it went over rather well...but there was a lot of finger pointing. I printed out budget forms this morning that I am going to have them fill out.

I offered to take them to a local credit counselor, which was also received well. Appointment pending.

At this point really, it is getting the numbers on paper and finding out where the money is going and re-training a few bad behaviors. In the last couple days, I fixed a few problems and took a look at my dad's outstanding debt with the state. Slowly but surely everything is coming together.

On my side, my finances are under control. My goal is to have my credit debt at zero by this time next year. Pending a major catastrophe, I think it can be done.
It is good to hear that you are breathing easier and have things under control. Paying off debts that have been hanging over you head for a while is one of the best feelings in the world.
Old 08-24-09, 02:17 PM
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Re: Financial Talk: I need help to get my parents finances under control

Originally Posted by orangecrush View Post
It is good to hear that you are breathing easier and have things under control. Paying off debts that have been hanging over you head for a while is one of the best feelings in the world.
I will say this...it is a lot of work and I am not special. A lot of people in America get into this mess for a lot of reasons.

I am not going to lie, it nearly tore the family apart. My father and I get into a physical confrontation...it was ugly. But in the end, we all needed each other and the only way to get through it was to listen and make an actual effort.

We all need work, but things are far better than the were a few months ago. And again, I am not going to lie, I did seriously consider walking away from this situation. But that doesn't just hurt me. As I said to my father, "It is easy for me to point the finger at you for losing your job. But it is not as easy for me to point the finger at myself for getting my own debt out of control." That was the turning point.

I am taking it one day at a time. I can't expect everything to change overnight. Hopefully others can learn for this.

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