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Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Old 08-04-15, 04:04 PM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Hilarious review of the new chip flavors from Lay's:

Finding Lay's 2015 Do Us a Flavor Chips and Losing My Humanity



Three fat white guys walk into a Walgreens, and stumble upon the 2015 Lay's Do Us A Flavor™ finalists. It's not a joke -- it's my life, and I guess I've come to accept that even when I'm off the goddamned clock, even when I'm not TRYING to stuff my face with Frankensteinian culinary abominations, these things manage to find me. Life imitates art. Dragons come looking for knights eventually. And even if I stop into a convenience store looking for, say, some Emergen-C and a bottle of water, I guess I'll wind up buying four bags of novelty potato chips and eating all of them -- and of course, bringing some friends along, because misery loves company.

So, anyway, three fat white guys walk into a Walgreens, and by sheer happenstance, one of them is a food "critic" for the OC Weekly, and so when these dudes notice that Lay's has released four brand-new flavors for 2015, they give into Fate and grab all four flavors, eyeballing the bags and speculating about what's to come like fucking oil speculators. As if KETTLE-COOKED GREEKTOWN GYRO, WAVY WEST COAST TRUFFLE FRY, NEW YORK REUBEN, and SOUTHERN STYLE BISCUITS AND GRAVY flavored chips could portend anything beyond than gut-clutching lamentation.

"I'm eyeballin' those gyro ones," claims Sebastian, as we walk back to my dirty gray 2007 Toyota Prius, baking in the ninety degree South Bay sunshine. Sebastian is from Omaha, Nebraska, and even though he's lived in California for well over a decade, he still offers up useless Gomer Pyle-isms like "tops" and "cat-sup," and has a tendency to do the Charleston when he's excited. A bag of chips hangs from each set of his limp, pasty fingers like a fried potato anchor.

Adrian, my roommate and usual attachment to these unfortunate comestible endeavors, is silent. He clutches the bag of SOUTHERN STYLE BISCUITS AND GRAVY like an exorcist with a cross -- as if such a simple flavor will prove a totem against the evil to come. He is a fool, and I love him for it. Sweat clings to his brow.

These are only the omens before the onslaught.

We get into my messy, broiling car, and I push-button start the sensible hybrid engine and pump the AC up to max and we sit. I do not switch it into drive because I know what is coming, and how it must be. I stare at the bag of REUBEN chips in my lap and lick my lips - disgust or desire, which will win out? Am I man, or beast?

"We're just gonna eat 'em in here?" Adrian inquires, a last ditch attempt at engaging civility. It fails, miserably, and there is no acknowledgement or disagreement, simply a change in the climate of the sweaty, boiling automobile interior, and as the meager chill from the vents blasts my hands, I know: beast, not man. A pig in slop, perhaps.

We tear open the bags one by one, giving them each a smell before tasting, a self-aware rib at the bloated bourgeoisie who indulge the same with wine or whiskey - they are no better than us, animals all. Overall, the chips smell like you'd expect: TRUFFLE FRIES actually smell good, like truffle oil and parmesan, while SOUTHERN BISCUITS AND GRAVY is muted and simple but wholesome in scent. Comforting smells. REUBEN is some kind of sorcery - I swear to God that if you held that bag under my nose, and I closed my eyes, I'd think there was a pastrami sandwich on a plate in front of me. Somewhere at Lay's, there's a scientist who's the Rembrandt of olfaction, and that guy deserves a fucking raise, let me tell you. Of course, there's someone else at the same laboratory who designed the flavor/smell of the GYRO chips, and that dude needs to get canned, because the odor out of that bag was like day old tzatziki spread on hot, stale toast.

Sebastian wrinkles his nose and admits that he may have been wrong in his earlier assessment. Adrian brings the periwinkle BISCUITS AND GRAVY bag to his chest, a deflating lifejacket. And I stare down upon the bag reading REUBEN and know that I am damned.

And as if on cue, we reach into our bags with crinkling and crunching, fistfuls of crispy, deep-fried powdered-flavor-dusted potato shoved into our mouths, and the bacchanal begins.
The TRUFFLE FRY chips are my favorite, but that's probably because it could already be a normal chip flavor and no one would bat an eye. There's a hint of parmesan, a vaguely oil undertaste that could be truffle or olive oil, and all of that on the well-formed wavy chip that Lay's does so well. I was pleasantly surprised. I'd buy them again.

Adrian's comfort in the SOUTHERN STYLE BISCUITS AND GRAVY chips was well-founded; they turned out to be his personal favorite, and perfectly safe. They had that weird sort of warm taste that some artificial flavors manage. It was kind of bland, but there was a hint of black pepper that was nice. Mostly they just tasted a little creamy, in a good way.

The NEW YORK REUBEN chips fell a little short. While the scent was dead-on, they were clearly dusted in some kind of Swiss cheese flavor-powder, so while there was a tart hint of Russian dressing and tiny tang of corned beef flavor, the chips were dominated by the waxy, but not unpleasant sensation of melted Swiss cheese. It was good, but if I wanted Swiss cheese chips, I would've asked for Swiss cheese chips.

But perhaps there really is a God who believes in divine retribution, because our munching and crunching was sorely wounded by the arrival of the KETTLE COOKED GREEKTOWN GYRO chips, an abomination unto all creation. I can't adequately describe the flavor - imagine, if you will, a pile of gyro meat on a plate. Let that meat sit out in the sun all day, and then throw the meat away. Now soak up the leftover meat-grease with a napkin, douse it in Tzatziki Yogurt sauce, deep fry it, and leave it under a heat lamp for awhile. If you ate that napkin, you might - MIGHT - have an inkling of how relatively unpleasant the GYRO-flavored chips are.

I drove us home in silence, dropping Sebastian off on the way. I pondered my place in this unforgiving universe - was this who I was now? Did I subside in some malign purgatory, some twisted realm of ironic punishment, where every single year, without fail, the Frito Lay corporation would contrive some unspeakably new flavors of potato chips, ensuring that I would somehow obtain and consume them? Would I learn to love this punishment, as already I loved the WAVY WEST COAST TRUFFLE FRY chips? Was I already so far gone, so beyond help of Providence?

"You want me to toss these?" Adrian asks, meaning the leftover bags of chips, as we enter our apartment. I inspect the half-full bags, hanging from his hands, poised to drop over the kitchen trash can. How easy it would be, I think, to banish these cursed things from my life. All he has to do is open his hands, and let go, and I'll be free. At least...until next year.
"Nah," I reply, and he shrugs and leaves them on the counter. "I might want some later."
And sure enough, a few hours later, my ever-widening ass firmly planted on our living room couch, my hand reaches over behind me as if of its own accord. It finds purchase on the shiny foil bag full of thin-sliced, deep-fried flavored potatoes, and brings them over to rest in my lap. My eyes never leave the television. My conscience screams, but I am already so lost. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

I reach into the bag, grab a chip, and slide it into my mouth. Chew, swallow.

I grab another, and soon enough, I'm going for a second bag.
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Old 08-04-15, 04:49 PM
  #102  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Love the Kettle Spicy Thai.
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Old 09-21-15, 10:50 AM
  #103  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Tried the limited edition Ruffles "All-Dressed" chips. I don't know if they are a regular thing in Canada. They are kind of like a cross between Salt & Vinegar and sweet BBQ. Not bad, but I wouldn't buy them again.

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Old 09-21-15, 12:00 PM
  #104  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Yes they are a regular thing here. I'm not a huge fan but some people just love them.
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Old 09-21-15, 12:01 PM
  #105  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

^^ is that a sort of maple bacon flavor?

I had Kettle maple bacon the other day and may have part of the actual bag. them things were delicious!

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Old 09-21-15, 12:15 PM
  #106  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

The truffle and biscuits and gravy flavor are the best out of the new lays bunch.
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Old 09-21-15, 12:29 PM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

While I was in Italy over the summer, I found olive oil and rosemary flavored Pringles - amazing taste. Wish I could find them in America.
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Old 09-21-15, 12:56 PM
  #108  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by Why So Blu? View Post
The truffle and biscuits and gravy flavor are the best out of the new lays bunch.
Truffle is the one that I haven't tried. Biscuits and gravy is surprisingly good and I liked Rueben too. If I close my eyes I can taste rye, pastrami and sauerkraut.
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Old 09-21-15, 12:57 PM
  #109  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by Quatermass View Post
Tried the limited edition Ruffles "All-Dressed" chips. I don't know if they are a regular thing in Canada. They are kind of like a cross between Salt & Vinegar and sweet BBQ. Not bad, but I wouldn't buy them again.

Yeah, they've been a regular thing in Canada since maybe the 80's? And I think they are fantastic, one of my favourites!
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Old 09-21-15, 01:47 PM
  #110  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by Timber View Post
Truffle is the one that I haven't tried. Biscuits and gravy is surprisingly good and I liked Rueben too. If I close my eyes I can taste rye, pastrami and sauerkraut.
The only new ones I like are the Rueben ones. And I freaking love them. My new favorite chip. They are really hard to find and I know they won't last long. I literally know no one else who likes them.
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Old 09-21-15, 01:51 PM
  #111  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

I liked All Dressed when I was a kid, but I'm not a fan anymore. Same goes for Ketchup chips, although sometimes, when my wife buys those, I eat a few and kind of enjoy them.

As for the fancy Lays flavours we've got up here:
Scalloped Potatoes - Good, but nothing special. Tastes like cheese.
Baked Beans - Not bad. Weird aftertaste, though.
Montreal Smoked Meat - made me want to vomit for an entire day after eating a few. Fucking terrible.
Butter Chicken - Fantastic! I could buy cases of these.
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Old 09-21-15, 01:59 PM
  #112  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

All dressed chips + chip dip = sensory overload, awesome!

Or PC brand Loads of All Dressed are even more nuts (in a good way!)


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Old 09-21-15, 02:03 PM
  #113  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

is there some sort of chip trading program? if not, there should be

a lot of these sound good (or at least interesting to try) but never available since they're regional.
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Old 09-21-15, 02:11 PM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

I was disappointed with the Lays Truffle Fries chips. Perhaps it was an expectation thing, since I love truffle fries.

To me, there was hardly any truffle flavor there. No doubt, Lays had to "tone it down", because Americans can't handle strong unusual flavors. But at that level of dilutedness, I no longer saw a point. Most of bag thrown away.

I actually liked the Southern Biscuits and Gravy one, and I'm not even a big biscuits/gravy fan generally. At least the flavor was strong and forward, and did actually taste like what it claimed. I'd buy that again.

I haven't yet tried the other two flavors.
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Old 09-21-15, 02:35 PM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by HN View Post
^^ is that a sort of maple bacon flavor?

I had Kettle maple bacon the other day and may have part of the actual bag. them things were delicious!

whoa.
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Old 09-21-15, 02:51 PM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

In the past few weeks I also tried Aldi's Kettle-Cooked Thai Chili and Kettle-Cooked Horseradish rippled. They were good, but I think it was also strictly a Buttercup experience (one-time, no commitment).

I really want to try those Maple Bacon ones now. Aldi's seems to be mimicking Kettle brand's flavors. Either that or Kettle makes Aldi's chips as someone here suggested. I wonder if Aldi's will have a Maple Bacon flavor.
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Old 09-21-15, 04:55 PM
  #117  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Didn't really care for any of the four new Lays flavors. The truffle fries and biscuit and gravy ships were too salty and didn't have a lot of the promised flavors. The gyro and reuben were kind of okay, but nothing I'd want again.

I think my five favorite flavored chips are:

Boulder Canyon Red Wine Vinegar
Kettle Brand Sweet and Salty
Kettle Brand Maple Bacon
Zapp's Voodoo
Zapp's Cajun Crawtater
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Old 10-02-15, 07:16 PM
  #118  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

I just ordered some of these from Amazon

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Old 06-26-16, 04:26 PM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by Quatermass View Post
Tried the limited edition Ruffles "All-Dressed" chips. I don't know if they are a regular thing in Canada. They are kind of like a cross between Salt & Vinegar and sweet BBQ. Not bad, but I wouldn't buy them again.

I just had these last week. Loved them! I hope they become a regular item.
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Old 06-26-16, 04:49 PM
  #120  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

I've been enjoying these recently. They're very tasty and they don't have a ton of calories.

Spoilerzied for size
Spoiler:
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Old 06-26-16, 05:02 PM
  #121  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by HN View Post
^^ is that a sort of maple bacon flavor?

I had Kettle maple bacon the other day and may have part of the actual bag. them things were delicious!

Crunch them up into little pieces instead of the usual boring bread crumbs, and your fried chicken will not only be famous, but women will do many things for you.
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Old 06-28-16, 07:47 AM
  #122  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

First off, I kept hearing good things about Henderson's Relish. I bought a bottle, sprinkled some on fries and liked it.

Then, I heard good things about these Yorkshire Crisps flavored with Henderson's Relish. I had to import them from the U.K.but they were worth it. High quality chips, reminds me of BBQ chips but much better:

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Old 06-28-16, 07:56 AM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

I've been in love with Zapp's Voodoo chips since I went to New Orleans and had them for the first time. After finding these though: I just can't get enough of them. Fortunately they have an UTZ factory not far from me where I can purchase them here in PA since they're not the easiest to find anywhere else.
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Old 06-28-16, 10:51 AM
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

I've heard of those - they're on Amazon. I'll probably order them soon.
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Old 06-28-16, 11:06 AM
  #125  
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Re: Potato chips and other snacks - reviewed

Originally Posted by Timber View Post
I've been in love with Zapp's Voodoo chips since I went to New Orleans and had them for the first time. After finding these though: I just can't get enough of them. Fortunately they have an UTZ factory not far from me where I can purchase them here in PA since they're not the easiest to find anywhere else.
Zapp's are pretty good. I found them at a couple local stores.
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