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-   -   Married couple wants to re-marry - got invitation to big wedding - do I bring a Gift? (https://forum.dvdtalk.com/other-talk/526268-married-couple-wants-re-marry-got-invitation-big-wedding-do-i-bring-gift.html)

CPA-ESQ. 02-28-08 02:19 PM

Married couple wants to re-marry - got invitation to big wedding - do I bring a Gift?
 
Friends of the family decided that they are going to get Re-Married in a church and have a huge wedding reception.

These people are 55+ years old. They are both divorced, got married to each other years ago at a Justice of Peace, broke up, back together, split up, back together (I have no idea if they got divorced and this is their big re-marriage or what - frankly I don't care)

I think this is an excuse to have a big party! They are from big Italian families and they love getting everyone together to eat, dance, and have a party.

I was friends with their kids in high school and still keep in touch with the boys. (talk 4 x a year)

I kind of feel like why should I pay NY wedding prices, if they want to have a get together? If this was a young couple getting married, a Baptism, baby shower etc... I would have no problem giving a large sum of money (because it would be used for the person to start off their lives)

FYI a Bronx style Italian Wedding runs close to $150 per person.. so I would be looking at $300 as a gift to just cover costs.

What would you guys do? It would be rude not to go, but what kind of "gift" could I bring that would say congratulations, but not "here's a ton of loot because you two decided to go overboard and I'm not paying for it."

cdollaz 02-28-08 02:27 PM

Most people have the courtesy to put "no gifts" on the invitation if they do not expect or want to receive them. So, they probably do. That doesn't mean you have to give one, though.

ANDREMIKE 02-28-08 02:30 PM

Either don't go or give what you think is fair.. Think of it as a anniversary party...

SuperJim88 02-28-08 02:31 PM

I think you have the right idea in mind. Think of it as eating out at a decent restaurant and figure how much would you pay for it? I would say a $200 gift should suffice.

Vibiana 02-28-08 02:33 PM

The reason for giving a wedding is not to make all your friends and associates cough up loot. It is to give them an opportunity to share in your happiness.

If you attend this wedding, it would be kind of you to remember them with a gift, but it need not be a $300 gift, a $150 gift, or in fact any dollar amount. You are not required to reimburse, through the cost of your wedding gift, the couple's cost of feeding and entertaining you, although that expectation seems to be widely held among the rude and crass these days.

Attend the wedding and give them a gift that you feel they would enjoy. Let's hope they love each other enough to have an attitude of "I'm so glad we finally got it worked out and can be together now!" rather than one of "These people better come across if they care about us."

True_Story1011 02-28-08 02:33 PM

yeah bring an prenup papers!

cdollaz 02-28-08 02:35 PM


Originally Posted by True_Story1011
yeah bring an prenup papers!

With their history, seems like they may need it.

DVD Josh 02-28-08 02:47 PM

If you gave at the first wedding, I'd say that gift is still valid.

Charlie Goose 02-28-08 02:52 PM

Say hello to Frankie Coffeecake and Jimmy Whisper from me.

B.A. 02-28-08 03:15 PM

No gift!

Th0r S1mpson 02-28-08 03:19 PM


Originally Posted by DVD Josh
If you gave at the first wedding, I'd say that gift is still valid.

If you gave at the first wedding, you should have gotten that gift back within 1 year of divorce. Standard procedure, right? I know I always put that on the back of the card.

"Conratulations! You both mean so much to me! But a lot of people mean a lot to me and not all of them receive gifts, so if you get divorced, gift must be returned within 365 days as you clearly would lack the willpower to deserve such a kind offering which is bestowed upon your union. And to whoever cheated, you're a miserable whore! If you get divoreced, that is. I'll still love you, but seriously... return the gift. All this and many more blessings to you on this glorious day of celebration."

raven56706 02-28-08 03:19 PM

buy them a gun... a loaded gun

majorjoe23 02-28-08 03:20 PM

Just buy a card, take the card off someone else's present and replace it with yours.

The cost of my assistance is half of what you just saved.

Dr Mabuse 02-28-08 03:30 PM

lol...

2nd marriages never last...

get them a book on how to start learning from past mistakes...

parrotheads4 02-28-08 03:40 PM

If you want to go I'd give a gift. Think about how much it would cost you, and your wife to go out for a night of drinks, dinner, and dancing. I'd give that amount.

adamblast 02-28-08 03:51 PM


Originally Posted by Vibiana
You are not required to reimburse, through the cost of your wedding gift, the couple's cost of feeding and entertaining you, although that expectation seems to be widely held among the rude and crass these days.

[gay cynicism] I would say these people fit "rude and crass" by definition.

Re-marriages, 2nd marraiges, re-committment ceremonies, whatever... Anyone with a modicum of class does these in a smaller and private way. Wanting them to be "big blowouts" (white dress, cathedral, reception) is *by definition* rude and crass.

"Come and celebrate our decision to wed again! For real this time! No, really, we mean it!" Shades of junior high.

You get one (1) chance to have the world celebrate the everlasting-till-death romantic nature of your blessed heterosexual coupling. On ceremonies 2 thru 10 you've lost the right to have 500 people blandly playing along with your naivete, giving you gifts and pretending it's forever. [/gay cynicism]

Th0r S1mpson 02-28-08 04:14 PM

Is it just me, or has gay cynicism these days gotten way too cynical and way not gay enough?

adamblast 02-28-08 04:19 PM

My apologies, Thor.

Bring on the blenders, toasters and chinaware! And make them name-brands, goddamit!

C_Fletch 02-28-08 04:21 PM

F-That!!

Mankal 02-28-08 04:21 PM

Definitely bring a gift, don't look like a cheapskate.

Th0r S1mpson 02-28-08 04:24 PM


Originally Posted by adamblast
My apologies, Thor.

Bring on the blenders, toasters and chinaware! And make them name-brands, goddamit!

Thank you, it's a start. You can withhold the groomsmen comment until later in the thread.

True_Story1011 02-28-08 04:28 PM

How about an envelope with what feels like money, only to open it and it be pieces of paper saying, 'Your Fucked! OWNED!'

Make sure you dont put your name on the envelope. :up:

Oh... and dont laugh before they open the envelope... major no-no!

al_bundy 02-28-08 06:05 PM


Originally Posted by Vibiana
The reason for giving a wedding is not to make all your friends and associates cough up loot. It is to give them an opportunity to share in your happiness.

If you attend this wedding, it would be kind of you to remember them with a gift, but it need not be a $300 gift, a $150 gift, or in fact any dollar amount. You are not required to reimburse, through the cost of your wedding gift, the couple's cost of feeding and entertaining you, although that expectation seems to be widely held among the rude and crass these days.

Attend the wedding and give them a gift that you feel they would enjoy. Let's hope they love each other enough to have an attitude of "I'm so glad we finally got it worked out and can be together now!" rather than one of "These people better come across if they care about us."

this might work in Kansas but in most cultures in NYC the way it works is your gift should cover the cost of the party for you and whoever you bring

al_bundy 02-28-08 06:06 PM

this is pretty tacky, i say you make an excuse not to go

aintnosin 02-28-08 06:22 PM

Give them a gift certificate for a cheap divorce lawyer.

Draven 02-28-08 06:42 PM


Originally Posted by al_bundy
this might work in Kansas but in most cultures in NYC the way it works is your gift should cover the cost of the party for you and whoever you bring

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The reception is a couple's way of saying "thank you" to everyone for sharing in their special day.

I would never consider a gift to be payment for that party. That's the very definition of "rude".

Vibiana 02-28-08 07:16 PM


Originally Posted by al_bundy
this might work in Kansas but in most cultures in NYC the way it works is your gift should cover the cost of the party for you and whoever you bring

It's not a geographical issue. It's a rudeness issue. Rude people are found everywhere.

Also, despite what you may believe, we actually have to pay for things in Kansas, too. There aren't Freebie Cowboys riding around on the range on horses holding people up with six-guns to shake their money out for the unwashed masses. :lol:

Vibiana 02-28-08 07:24 PM


Originally Posted by Draven
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The reception is a couple's way of saying "thank you" to everyone for sharing in their special day.

I would never consider a gift to be payment for that party. That's the very definition of "rude".

Amen.

al and I lock horns on this issue in every wedding thread. :lol:

Draven 02-28-08 08:03 PM


Originally Posted by Vibiana
Amen.

al and I lock horns on this issue in every wedding thread. :lol:

My father is a minister and my mother is a typical "minister's wife" so I've been around weddings since I was born.

Anyone who claims that a wedding gift is payment for the reception has never learned what a reception actually is. It's not even up for argument - anyone who says otherwise is flat-out wrong.

zombeaner 02-28-08 08:36 PM


Originally Posted by DVD Josh
If you gave at the first wedding, I'd say that gift is still valid.

I'm with you

zombeaner 02-28-08 08:37 PM


Originally Posted by Thor Simpson
If you gave at the first wedding, you should have gotten that gift back within 1 year of divorce. Standard procedure, right? I know I always put that on the back of the card.

That is only if the marriage lasted less than a year

neiname 02-28-08 08:43 PM

Nope

dieinafire 02-28-08 08:57 PM

No way, a re-marriage is not like the first, I don't see the need for a gift.

Numanoid 02-28-08 09:03 PM

How the hell is contributing enough money to see that your dear, dear friends don't blow their life savings seeing that you have a nice dinner and free-flowing booze all night an expression of "rudeness"? :lol: I'd say to do otherwise shows a serious crassness all its own. And if you don't feel close enough to them to care about their expenditures, perhaps you should decline the invitation.

SoSpacey 02-28-08 10:26 PM


Originally Posted by Vibiana
Amen.

al and I lock horns on this issue in every wedding thread. :lol:


Al is actually right on this one. Is it the correct approach? Who knows. But in the NYC tri-state area, you try and cover the cost of your plate.

At the bridal shower you end up spending the same as what people in other areas of the county spend on the person's wedding.

On the specific topic posted, I just wouldn't go. Send them a vase and take your spouse out for a kick ass dinner in NYC.

Dave99 02-28-08 10:39 PM

No way would I opt for a large gift to 1) an older couple like this 2) where it's not their first marriages & 3) they've been married to each other before (especially this one).

toddly6666 02-29-08 12:38 AM

Give them the same present you gave them the first wedding....if you didn't go to the first one, just buy them an iron or silverware....

Anubis2005X 02-29-08 01:01 AM


Originally Posted by SuperJim88
I think you have the right idea in mind. Think of it as eating out at a decent restaurant and figure how much would you pay for it? I would say a $200 gift should suffice.

$200 as a gift for a second wedding? Damn dude, I don't know how much you make, but allow me to say..."must be nice"...

Vibiana 02-29-08 08:55 AM


Originally Posted by Numanoid
How the hell is contributing enough money to see that your dear, dear friends don't blow their life savings seeing that you have a nice dinner and free-flowing booze all night an expression of "rudeness"? :lol: I'd say to do otherwise shows a serious crassness all its own. And if you don't feel close enough to them to care about their expenditures, perhaps you should decline the invitation.

If my dear, dear friends have to blow their life savings to throw a party, perhaps they should consider toning it down a notch, rather than expecting the guests to pay for it themselves. The definition of "host" does include financing the event.

al_bundy 02-29-08 09:53 AM

if you are rich, yes

but i noticed in a lot of ethnicities with a history of poverty or coming to the US dirt poor the tradition is to have a big party and the guests bring a gift in the form of cash or check to pay for it. kind of like wedding showers or baby showers or bringing a pie or a dish if you are invited to dinner at someone's home. you really don't see this in the midwest because most of the luxuries of the coast have only recently made it to the midwest

same concept as insurance


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