Other Talk "Otterville" plus Religion/Politics

Don't Shave Your Ass-Hair!

Old 02-26-08, 02:03 PM
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Don't Shave Your Ass-Hair!

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble s******g.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic s***- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky s***/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering s***/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own s*** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
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Old 02-26-08, 02:08 PM
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thats' a well posted cut-and-paste job from another source, well done
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Old 02-26-08, 02:15 PM
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http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...y+cane%2dtoads
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Old 02-26-08, 02:15 PM
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BTW, I know from personal experience that none of that actually happens when you shave your ass hair.
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Old 02-26-08, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Numanoid
BTW, I know from personal experience that none of that actually happens when you shave your ass hair.

Ewwwwww.
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Old 02-26-08, 02:18 PM
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words
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Old 02-26-08, 02:23 PM
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I really wanted to post a picture of a bald donkey. But try as I might, I couldn't find one! The internet has failed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-26-08, 02:29 PM
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Man, that story is older than this forum, lol! Though to be honest, when I first started reading it I was like "Who the hell is this, THEEK's evil twin Garth?".
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Old 02-26-08, 02:30 PM
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Fail
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Old 02-26-08, 02:34 PM
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A true Porno Star would wax
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Old 02-26-08, 03:04 PM
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you must be fucking ben affleck
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Old 02-26-08, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by raven56706
you must be fucking ben affleck

Him too? What, is there a line around the block for access to Ben's ass?
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Old 02-26-08, 04:52 PM
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When I shave my ass-hair I feel very fresh in a way I dont when I have ass hair.
So shaving of the ass gets a big thumbs up from me.
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Old 02-26-08, 05:31 PM
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Originally Posted by kvrdave
Ewwwwww.
I thought you were too drunk to remember.
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Old 02-26-08, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by raven56706
you must be fucking ben affleck
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Old 02-26-08, 07:23 PM
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yeah, knew it was a cut and paste, but it was still funny. Poor form by the OP not admitting the C&P though.
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Old 02-26-08, 07:27 PM
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Dear Penthouse DVDTalk, You'll never guess what happened to me...
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Old 02-26-08, 08:11 PM
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I'm really sick and tired of people plagiarizing Deval Patrick's work and passing it off as their own. Shame on you.
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Old 02-26-08, 08:23 PM
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Old 02-26-08, 08:31 PM
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Sounds like a typical narcissistic CL post.

Oh wait. It is.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html
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Old 02-26-08, 09:49 PM
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The OP got owned.

One should know better than to try to trick the collective power of other.

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Old 02-26-08, 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by DVD Polizei
Sounds like a typical narcissistic CL post.

Oh wait. It is.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html
IIRC, the joke actually dates back to the 90s.
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Old 02-26-08, 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Dobby


That pic is 100x funner than the plagirized OP.
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Old 02-26-08, 10:57 PM
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Originally Posted by VinVega
The OP got owned.

One should know better than to try to trick the collective power of other.
No doubt-- I saw this post when it had 0 replies, and I expected the OP to get a pretty good flogging when people would begin to respond (but the replies are better than I expected )
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Old 02-26-08, 11:09 PM
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start with the paper, finish with

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