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Cap'n Crunch & the Roof of Your Mouth

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Cap'n Crunch & the Roof of Your Mouth

Old 02-24-08, 11:55 PM
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Cap'n Crunch & the Roof of Your Mouth

I just finished off a bowl of Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch...Why the hell does this cereal shred the roof of your mouth every time you eat it?!??! I picked it up on a recommendation (I'm a fan of Reese's Puffs), and figured since it didn't have the normal evil shape of Cap'n Crunch I figured I'd be ok...nope, the roof of my mouth is shredded!

No other cereal I've ever eaten does this, what gives?!?!?
Old 02-24-08, 11:59 PM
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that's just one of the great things about cap'n crunch. it shreds so it can put sugar straight into your bloodstream.

i was looking for a introduction forum...so HI everybody!
Old 02-25-08, 12:23 AM
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Eating Cap'n Crunch is like eating a bowl full of razor blades. The Cap'n requires some blood to be spilled to show your commitment to the sugary goodness.
Old 02-25-08, 12:27 AM
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YES! Ever since I was a kid I noticed that it shredded the roof of my mouth -- Especially the Peanut Butter one -- And yet I still eat it.
Old 02-25-08, 01:05 AM
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Just have the new Cap'n Crunch shake form Carl's Jr. for breakfast. It's very easy on the mouth.
Old 02-25-08, 08:10 AM
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For pure shredability, the Capn's got nothing on:

Man, did that stuff do a number on my mouf when I was a kid...
Old 02-25-08, 08:31 AM
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Granted, I haven't eaten Cap'n Crunch in years, but I don't remember having this problem.
Old 02-25-08, 09:06 AM
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There's a trick to eating crunchy things like that. Use your molars, and don't press it against the roof of your mouth with your tongue.

Don't eat crickets until you have figured out how to eat Cap'n Crunch without hurting yourself.

Quisp is tastier, anyway.
Old 02-25-08, 09:10 AM
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Try Apple Jacks ~ they do the same thing to my mouth.
Old 02-25-08, 11:06 AM
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From Neil Stephenson's Cryptonomicon
The apartment only has one closet and when its door is open it appears to have been bricked shut, Cask of Amontillado-style, with very large flat red oblongs, each imprinted with the image of a venerable and yet oddly cheerful and yet somehow kind of hauntingly sad naval officer. The whole pallet load was shipped here several weeks ago by Avi, in an attempt to lift Randyís spirits. For all Randy knows more are still sitting on a Manila dockside ringed with armed guards and dictionary-sized rat traps straining against their triggers, each baited with a single golden nugget.

Randy selects one of the bricks from this wall, creating a gap in the formation, but there is another, identical one right behind it, another picture of that same naval officer. They seem to be marching from his closet in a peppy phalanx. "Part of this complete balanced breakfast," Randy says. Then he slams the door on them and walks with a measured, forcibly calm step to the living room where he does most of his dining, usually while facing his thirty-six-inch television. He sets up his San Miguel, an empty bowl, an exceptionally large soup spoonóso large that most European cultures would identify it as a serving spoon and most Asian ones as a horticultural implement. He obtains a stack of paper napkins, not the brown recycled ones that canít be moistened even by immersion in water, but the flagrantly environmentally unsound type, brilliant white and cotton-fluffy and desperately hygroscopic. He goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge, reaches deep into the back, and finds an unopened box-bag-pod-unit of UHT milk. UHT milk need not, technically, be refrigerated, but it is pivotal, in what is to follow, that the milk be only a few microdegrees above the point of freezing. The fridge in Randyís apartment has louvers in the back where the cold air is blown in, straight from the freon coils. Randy always stores his milk-pods directly in front of those louvers. Not too close, or else the pods will block the flow of air, and not too far away either. The cold air becomes visible as it rushes in and condenses moisture, so it is a simple matter to sit there with the fridge door open and observe its flow characteristics, like an engineer testing an experimental minivan in a River Rouge wind tunnel. What Randy would like to see, ideally, is the whole milk-pod enveloped in an even, jacketlike flow to produce better heat exchange through the multilayered plastic-and-foil skin of the milk-pod. He would like the milk to be so cold that when he reaches in and grabs it, he feels the flexible, squishy pod stiffen between his fingers as ice crystals spring into existence, summoned out of nowhere simply by the disturbance of being squished.

Today the milk is almost, but not quite, that cold. Randy goes into his living room with it. He has to wrap it in a towel because it is so cold it hurts his fingers.
Randy takes the red box and holds it securely between his knees with the handy stay-closed tab pointing away from him. Using both hands in unison he carefully works his fingertips underneath the flap, trying to achieve equal pressure on each side, paying special attention to places where too much glue was laid down by the gluing-machine. For a few long, tense moments, nothing at all happens, and an ignorant or impatient observer might suppose that Randy is getting nowhere. But then the entire flap pops open in an instant as the entire glue-front gives way. Randy hates it when the box-top gets bent or, worst of all possible worlds, torn. The lower flap is merely tacked down with a couple of small glue-spots and Randy pulls it back to reveal a translucent, inflated sac. The halogen down-light recessed in the ceiling shines through the cloudy material of the sac to reveal goldóeverywhere the glint of gold. Randy rotates the box ninety degrees and holds it between his knees so its long axis is pointed at the television set, then grips the top of the sac and carefully parts its heat-sealed seam, which purrs as it gives way. Removal of the somewhat milky plastic barrier causes the individual nuggets of Capín Crunch to resolve, under the halogen light, with a kind of preternatural crispness and definition that makes the roof of Randyís mouth glow and throb in trepidation.

The gold nuggets of Capín Crunch pelt the bottom of the bowl with a sound like glass rods being snapped in half Tiny fragments spall away from their corners and ricochet around on the white porcelain surface. World-class cereal-eating is a dance of fine compromises. The giant heaping bowl of sodden cereal, awash in milk, is the mark of the novice. Ideally one wants the bone-dry cereal nuggets and the cryogenic milk to enter the mouth with minimal contact and for the entire reaction between them to take place in the mouth. Randy has worked out a set of mental blueprints for a special cereal-eating spoon that will have a tube running down the handle and a little pump for the milk, so that you can spoon dry cereal up out of a bowl, hit a button with your thumb, and squirt milk into the bowl of the spoon even as you are introducing it into your mouth. The next best thing is to work in small increments, putting only a small amount of Capín Crunch in your bowl at a time and eating it all up before it becomes a pit of loathsome slime, which, in the case of Capín Crunch, takes about thirty seconds.

He pours the milk with one hand while jamming the spoon in with the other, not wanting to waste a single moment of the magical, golden time when cold milk and Capín Crunch are together but have not yet begun to pollute each otherís essential natures: two Platonic ideals separated by a boundary a molecule wide. Where the flume of milk splashes over the spoon-handle, the polished stainless steel fogs with condensation. Randy of course uses whole milk, because otherwise why bother? Anything less is indistinguishable from water, and besides he thinks that the fat in whole milk acts as some kind of a buffer that retards the dissolution-into-slime process. The giant spoon goes into his mouth before the milk in the bowl has even had time to seek its own level. A few drips come off the bottom and are caught by his freshly washed goatee (still trying to find the right balance between beardedness and vulnerability, Randy has allowed one of these to grow). Randy sets the milk-pod down, grabs a fluffy napkin, lifts it to his chin, and uses a pinching motion to sort of lift the drops of milk from his whiskers rather than smashing and smearing them down into the beard. Meanwhile all his concentration is fixed on the interior of his mouth, which naturally he cannot see, but which he can imagine in three dimensions as if zooming through it in a virtual reality display. Here is where a novice would lose his cool and simply chomp down. A few of the nuggets would explode between his molars, but then his jaw would snap shut and drive all of the unshattered nuggets straight up into his palate where their armor of razor-sharp dextrose crystals would inflict massive collateral damage, turning the rest of the meal into a sort of pain-hazed death march and rendering him Novocain mute for three days. But Randy has, over time, worked out a really fiendish Capín Crunch eating strategy that revolves around playing the nuggetsí most deadly features against each other. The nuggets themselves are pillow-shaped and vaguely striated to echo piratical treasure chests. Now, with a flake-type of cereal, Randyís strategy would never work. But then, Capín Crunch in a flake form would be suicidal madness; it would last about as long, when immersed in milk, as snowflakes sifting down into a deep fryer. No, the cereal engineers at General Mills had to find a shape that would minimize surface area, and, as some sort of compromise between the sphere that is dictated by Euclidean geometry and whatever sunken-treasure-related shapes that the cereal-aestheticians were probably clamoring for, they came up with this hard-to-pin-down striated pillow formation. The important thing, for Randyís purposes, is that the individual pieces of Capín Crunch are, to a very rough approximation, shaped kind of like molars. The strategy, then, is to make the Capín Crunch chew itself by grinding the nuggets together in the center of the oral cavity, like stones in a lapidary tumbler.
Old 02-25-08, 11:19 AM
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I'd ask you to bold the important parts of that, but my guess is that there aren't any...
Old 02-25-08, 11:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Hiro11
From Neil Stephenson's Cryptonomicon
What a coincidence! I just randomly picked up this book a week ago. I'll have to start it soon-looks to be a good read!

BTW, the strategy won't work--there would be no source of pressure to grind the CC nuggets against each other without further shredding the inner oral contact surface.
Old 02-25-08, 11:43 AM
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It's not as bad as Salted Razor Blades cereal.
Old 02-25-08, 12:17 PM
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You mean people actually EAT that stuff?????
Old 02-25-08, 01:46 PM
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I enjoyed that part of Cryptonomican even though I completely disagreed with it.

I pour my Captain Crunch, add milk and then wait 30-45 seconds. You have to eat it fast before it gets too soggy, but you want the milk to have a chance to soak into the outer layers so that it isn't quite as painful.
Old 02-25-08, 01:52 PM
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Haven't eaten it since I was a kiddo, but I'd generally pour milk and wait for about as long as it took for it to become the consistency of stewed prunes. I was much more a fan of Cap'n Mush than mutilating my mouth.
Old 02-25-08, 01:58 PM
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^ That is, of course, the correct solution.
Old 02-25-08, 02:46 PM
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Cap'n Crunch w/o the crunch? That's just wrong.
Old 02-25-08, 02:58 PM
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Whew, now I'm glad I put down Cryptnomicon three pages in.

When I was a kid I had a well-developed callus on the roof of my mouth. Eat Cap'n Crunch every day for a month. That'll make it hap'n.
Old 02-25-08, 03:04 PM
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Cookie Crisp used to stab the roof of my mouth, just as bad as the Cap'n. Doesn't matter, I still get it every once in awhile.
Old 02-25-08, 03:49 PM
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you have to let these cereals soak for 60 seconds before consuming, then eat it as fast as possible, there is only a 90 second window.
Old 02-25-08, 04:05 PM
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"Oh's" is my pick. Love the cereal, but I have to wait for it to go soggy before I dive in.
Old 02-25-08, 04:10 PM
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You think Capt'n Crunch is bad? :

Old 02-25-08, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by ukywyldcat
Try Apple Jacks ~ they do the same thing to my mouth.
The thing with Apple Jacks is that if you let them stand in milk for awhile, they get softer... Cap'n Crunch take hours before it gets so.. like it's on some cereal viagra.
Old 02-25-08, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by devilshalo
The thing with Apple Jacks is that if you let them stand in milk for awhile, they get softer... Cap'n Crunch take hours before it gets so.. like it's on some cereal viagra.
All those healthy preservatives are moisture resistant.

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