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The Official, One and Only, Feb 6th Joke thread

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The Official, One and Only, Feb 6th Joke thread

Old 02-06-08, 02:02 PM
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The Official, One and Only, Feb 6th Joke thread

Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time!"
Old 02-06-08, 02:09 PM
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A++++++++ Would read again!!!
Old 02-06-08, 02:15 PM
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During a Dean Martin roast... host Don Rickles was talking about being in WWII...

Dean Martin: I don't remember seeing you in WWII.
Don Rickles: That's because you were facing the other way!
Old 02-06-08, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by twikoff
Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time!"
Old 02-06-08, 02:37 PM
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A woman goes to visit a fortune teller.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, ... so I'll just be blunt:

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be found guilty?"
Old 02-07-08, 12:57 AM
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@ this thread
Old 02-07-08, 02:09 AM
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A rabbi, a priest, and a goat walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender walks up to them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Old 02-07-08, 03:01 AM
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An Irishman, a Scot and and Englishman walk into a bar and sit down. Each orders a beer. As the barman puts down their glasses three flies buzz slowly by and one lands in each glass.

The Englishman looks down in disgust, pours the beer on the floor and leaves. The Scot carefully removes the fly and begins to sip his beer. The Irishman grabs to fly and begins shaking it violently, shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out!".
Old 02-07-08, 07:19 AM
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I like that joke, but the way I've always heard it was with the Scotsman holding the fly over the glass. Because Scotsman(and I'm one of them by heritage) are stereotypically cheap.

ie - did you know how copper wire was invented? By two scotsmen arguing over a penny and not letting go.
Old 02-07-08, 09:15 AM
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My wife said she was going to tell me something that made me happy and sad at the same time.

She said "Your penis is larger than all of your friend's"
Old 02-07-08, 09:45 AM
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So a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Old 02-07-08, 09:55 AM
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This thread was so yesterday.
Old 02-07-08, 10:05 AM
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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down a city street. They notice a young boy coming towards them, The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Want to fuck him?" and the Rabbi responds "Out of what?"
Old 02-07-08, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by sauce07
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down a city street. They notice a young boy coming towards them, The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Want to fuck him?" and the Rabbi responds "Out of what?"
Old 02-07-08, 10:35 AM
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A busy Executive finally takes some time off, and goes to Aruba. He is having such a good time, he decides to spend an extra week there, and to invite his partner to join him.
He e-mails him: "Come on down, bring my wife, and your mistress."

The partner replies: "Your wife and I will be on the next plane. How long have you known about us?"
Old 02-07-08, 11:57 AM
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3 bums are sitting in an alley one night, talking about their day.
The first one says, "Oh, my day was terrific! In the dumpster behind Burger King, I found a couple of entire Whoppers and had myself a feast!"
The second one says, "My day was pretty good too! Behind the liquor store, someone had dropped a case of whiskey, but there was still one bottle left unbroken!"
The third one says, "I've got you both beat. When I was walking along the railroad tracks today, I saw a woman and we went into the woods and had sex for HOURS!"
The other two look at him with admiration and say, "Hey, that's amazing! Did she give you any head?"
The third says, "No, I never did find her head."
Old 02-07-08, 12:08 PM
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Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face"?
Old 02-07-08, 12:23 PM
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A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. “How was your day?” her husband asks.

“It was just awful,” she replies. “I got stung by a bee.”

“Oh, that must’ve hurt. Where’d you get stung?” the husband asks.

“Between the first and second holes,” she tells him.

“Hmm,” he says. “Sounds like your stance is too wide.”
Old 02-07-08, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by sauce07
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down a city street. They notice a young boy coming towards them, The Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Want to ---- him?" and the Rabbi responds "Out of what?"

Old 02-07-08, 02:11 PM
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Bob went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient. The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

Okay then, Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Bob replied.
Old 02-07-08, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Charlie Goose
3 bums are sitting in an alley one night, talking about their day.
The first one says, "Oh, my day was terrific! In the dumpster behind Burger King, I found a couple of entire Whoppers and had myself a feast!"
The second one says, "My day was pretty good too! Behind the liquor store, someone had dropped a case of whiskey, but there was still one bottle left unbroken!"
The third one says, "I've got you both beat. When I was walking along the railroad tracks today, I saw a woman and we went into the woods and had sex for HOURS!"
The other two look at him with admiration and say, "Hey, that's amazing! Did she give you any head?"
The third says, "No, I never did find her head."

Old 02-11-08, 08:53 PM
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not a joke.. just kindof funny..
how many of these were actual reaganisms

Here's my strategy on the Cold War:We win, they lose.'
--

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the
government and I'm here to help.'
--

'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. Was too
strong.'
--

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked
like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'
--

The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but
doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
--

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one
end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
--

The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a
government program.'
--

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'
--

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops
moving, subsidize it.'
--

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards;
if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
--

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as
the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
--

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a
nation gone under.'
Old 02-11-08, 09:56 PM
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I'll ask this here and I know it's a longshot. But, does anyone know the joke that has a punchline involving an orange? I think the "joke" part of it is the orange had nothing to do with the setup. It's funny because the punchline had nothing to with the setup. One of those, either you get it or you don't jokes.

I read it before on some forum, maybe this one - searching through old threads, but I can't find it now.

And, I'm not really sure if it involves an orange
Old 02-11-08, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by twikoff
not a joke.. just kindof funny..
how many of these were actual reaganisms
Here's a couple more:

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." (Reagan, unaware a radio microphone was on).

"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."
- Nancy Reagan, speaking at an anti-drug rally.

* From the book, "1,001 Dumbest Things Ever Said".
Old 02-12-08, 02:52 AM
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Old lawers never die...

Spoiler:
...they just lose their appeal!


-Gunshy

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