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Moral question...are children the only reason to avoid divorce?

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Moral question...are children the only reason to avoid divorce?

Old 07-06-07, 03:11 PM
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Moral question...are children the only reason to avoid divorce?

Here's a question:

Let's say there's a married couple who really don't get along anymore and the marriage is essentially just in name only. However, they have a child together. Is that child the only reason they should stay together? Or is it more beneficial to both parents and child in the long run if the couple separates?
Old 07-06-07, 03:16 PM
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No, it's a terrible reason to avoid divorce. Better to be with separated/divorced but happy parents as opposed to two people who don't like each other.
Old 07-06-07, 03:17 PM
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Who is happier? A child that grows up with his parents shouting at each other all the time because they're staying together against their will, or one that grows up in two households where the parents are happy and may have moved on to better relationships? Or is a child better off if he never sees his parents affectionate toward one another? Don't you think that will affect his relationships down the road?

There's no pat answer, and divorce should never happen for purely selfish reasons, but provided both parents stay active in the child's life and there aren't other circumstances (mom gets a boyfriend who's abusive or has abusive kids, for example), I think generally it's better to rip off the Band-Aid and be done with it. Kids are more resilient than most people give them credit for.
Old 07-06-07, 03:19 PM
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No. Lawyers are an equally valid reason to avoid divorce.
Old 07-06-07, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by adamblast
No. Lawyers are an equally valid reason to avoid divorce.
Hah, true.
Old 07-06-07, 03:24 PM
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Parents who stay together for no other reason than the kid(s) run the risk of developing feelings of resentment toward the kid(s). Not a good situation at all...
Old 07-06-07, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Breakfast with Girls
Who is happier? A child that grows up with his parents shouting at each other all the time because they're staying together against their will, or one that grows up in two households where the parents are happy and may have moved on to better relationships?
Why is it assumed that divorce automatically makes people happy?
Old 07-06-07, 05:09 PM
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If both parties were happy, why would you think about a divorce? It's just assumed that if people are thinking about a divorce, they are unhappy. Getting out of an unhappy situation usually makes things better...happier.
Old 07-06-07, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by RaraFemina
If both parties were happy, why would you think about a divorce? It's just assumed that if people are thinking about a divorce, they are unhappy. Getting out of an unhappy situation usually makes things better...happier.

I guess I wasn't clear.

If both parties are unhappy, why is divorce the magic cure all?

You still have to deal with this other person that you dislike because you have child with them and issues to work out about custody etc

I am just saying, I know people that got divorced and were still plenty unhappy.
Old 07-06-07, 06:00 PM
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I think there are other reasons to avoid divorce, personally. I think that people that drift apart can drift back together if they want to work at it and see marriage as a commitment. However, that isn't a popular opinion in today's world.
Old 07-06-07, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Breakfast with Girls
Who is happier? A child that grows up with his parents shouting at each other all the time because they're staying together against their will, or one that grows up in two households where the parents are happy and may have moved on to better relationships? Or is a child better off if he never sees his parents affectionate toward one another? Don't you think that will affect his relationships down the road?

There's no pat answer, and divorce should never happen for purely selfish reasons, but provided both parents stay active in the child's life and there aren't other circumstances (mom gets a boyfriend who's abusive or has abusive kids, for example), I think generally it's better to rip off the Band-Aid and be done with it. Kids are more resilient than most people give them credit for.
Parents get divorced, child becomes focus of custody and visitation arguments, and gets bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball. Sees mommy with other men. Sees daddy with other women. Gets pawned off on grandparents and others when one of the parents has to work.

It's a fucked up situation that's gonna fuck up a kid. I'm seeing it happen.
Old 07-06-07, 06:17 PM
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or....child sees parents fight all the time(yelling, crying, things being thrown) and gets freaked out, parents finally get divorced, kid sees both parents (just not at the same time), parents get remarried to great people, child grows up in a loving home with a step-parent that loves them and treats them like their own.

I know I was a very lucky child, but sometimes it is better for parents to get divorced than to stay together.

ETA: I am not saying everyone should run and get a divorce. Sometimes things just can't be worked out, but everyone should at least try to save their marriage before ending it.

Last edited by RaraFemina; 07-06-07 at 06:20 PM.
Old 07-06-07, 06:26 PM
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No, there's another reason: Hell.
Old 07-06-07, 07:04 PM
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The main reason is to keep half your shit...
Old 07-06-07, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by shadowhawk2020
The main reason is to keep half your shit...
Assuming all the shit is in both names in the first place, though.
Old 07-07-07, 05:16 PM
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There is no hard and fast rule on this. Every case is different.

Some people can still be civil to each other once they are separated. This is better for the children, because they get to see adults behaving in a mature manner.

If both parties are immature enough to squabble over custody in a bad way, the children lose either way.
Old 07-07-07, 06:25 PM
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As someone who has done a lot of research in this area, I can tell you what I have found. Most research indicates that it may actually be better for parents to stay together.

This may seem counterintuitive, but several of the previous posters touched on reasons why the data has supported this notion. Divorce does not typically erase animosity; it quite often increases it and adds many new strains and stresses from the children’s perspective. Now they not only witness parents fighting all of the time but they also have to deal with moving, switching off between mom and dad, worrying about parent's availability, feeling displaced, increased animosity between parent's, feeling like they have to choose sides, and the list goes on and on.

Certainly there are many negatives about two people staying together only b/c of the kids and there are probably many exceptions (i.e. abuse) to this research. Yet overall, in terms of psychological and emotional well-being, divorce is typically worse for children.
Old 07-08-07, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by dave-o
As someone who has done a lot of research in this area, I can tell you what I have found. Most research indicates that it may actually be better for parents to stay together.

This may seem counterintuitive, but several of the previous posters touched on reasons why the data has supported this notion. Divorce does not typically erase animosity; it quite often increases it and adds many new strains and stresses from the children’s perspective. Now they not only witness parents fighting all of the time but they also have to deal with moving, switching off between mom and dad, worrying about parent's availability, feeling displaced, increased animosity between parent's, feeling like they have to choose sides, and the list goes on and on.

Certainly there are many negatives about two people staying together only b/c of the kids and there are probably many exceptions (i.e. abuse) to this research. Yet overall, in terms of psychological and emotional well-being, divorce is typically worse for children.
What if both parties are in agreement that divorce would be the best thing on both sides, and that after the fact they'd be perfectly content to get along for the child's sake. It would seem then that the pressures would be greatly lessened, no? Of course there would still be other factors, but if the biggest one is bitterness and contempt towards the other parent, if that fact were lacking it might not be such a bad thing.
Old 07-08-07, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by 4KRG
Why is it assumed that divorce automatically makes people happy?
someone i work with is a lot happier after his latest divorce. if people hate each other there is no reason to stay married anymore
Old 07-09-07, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Altimus Prime
Parents get divorced, child becomes focus of custody and visitation arguments, and gets bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball. Sees mommy with other men. Sees daddy with other women. Gets pawned off on grandparents and others when one of the parents has to work.

It's a fucked up situation that's gonna fuck up a kid. I'm seeing it happen.
It depends on the age of the child and the maturity and responsibility of the parents. Obviously, any decisions have to be weighed against those variables.
Old 07-09-07, 11:54 AM
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i never get divorces... if people getting divorced, why bother getting married in the first place? The only place that justify this is the dictionary...
Old 07-09-07, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Ocelot
i never get divorces... if people getting divorced, why bother getting married in the first place? The only place that justify this is the dictionary...
people change, people grow apart, a lot of people don't marry for love even if they don't know it.

years ago i read an article of some mental disease that people had that became treatable with some drug. a doctor was following up on old patients and found out a couple got divorced. both of them had it and they only married for support. once they were treated there was no more reason to stay married
Old 07-09-07, 12:51 PM
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I know life is complicated and all... i respect people's decision for divorces. However, once you got kids and all, forget it, put the kids' interest first. I feel sorry for the kids going through divorces...
Old 07-09-07, 01:03 PM
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Sure there's a moral reason to avoid it -- when you got married, you promised to stay married until death do you part. If you can't keep your promises, anything else you do to your kids won't matter much.

However, knowing that there is, in fact, a messy world out there, my advice depending on the situation would be to stay legally married but maintain separate domiciles. That way, you would avoid all the legal and financial minefields that divorce puts you into. This is what strict moralists used to tell couples contemplating divorce back in the days before one was so simple to get. And unless you have no children, I still think it makes sense. You made a baby with this person, so you're going to be connected with them for the rest of your life anyway. Might as well be legally connected. Of course, when one of you wants to remarry, everything needs to be renegotiated.

The main reason I would avoid divorce is financial. It's a huge blow to your wallet.

Last edited by Vibiana; 07-09-07 at 01:05 PM.
Old 07-22-07, 12:48 AM
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So maybe I'll get flamed and whatnot but I'll just come out and say it. Why the hell not right? Well, one of parties involved in my hypothetical is myself in case it wasn't already inferred.

Last edited by prp2; 07-22-07 at 01:09 AM.

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